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A boy and his best friend

There’s a saying about a dog being a boy’s first best friend but, in reality, the first best friend a boy has is his penis. It’s always there for him (and has been from the very start), is always ready to play, and, with a penis, a boy will never be bored for too long.

I suppose, kinda like a dog, when the boy finds a significant other that person can come between the boy and his penis except that the penis, unlike the dog, enjoys the other as much as the boy does so maybe the metaphor breaks down here, but the boy can always depend on the penis to be there for him even when the significant other loses their significance (and/or the dog dies). I can’t say if a woman’s relationship with her pussy is the same, but I don’t think it is. I suspect this is due to cultural indoctrination about what good girls do and don’t and what boys are allowed or even expected to do combined with the universal common knowledge that permeates our society as to how a boy can use his penis for pleasure by himself with no open discussion as to how a girl would do the same with her parts. Plus, I think penises are just simpler. Plus plus, women and their sexual needs are, I assume, fundamentally different in their psychology and mechanics than men’s. But I don’t have a pussy and, even though I know what they like, I won’t pretend to know how they are.

I say all this because I was thinking the other day as I lay next to Belle who had told me I wasn’t going to be unlocked at all and would therefore not feel any pleasure with the penis (regardless of how badly I was craving it) that boys (and the men they turn into) have nothing to prepare them for the kind of delayed and redirected gratification that comes with chastity and denial. We are physically and socially conditioned to expect on-demand gratification either from our partner or, lacking that, ourselves. In the forty-some years of my existence prior to having Belle control the penis, that was my life. If I was horny and she was unresponsive to my needs, I would jack off. QED.

But then chastity came along and I couldn’t do that. Plus, I was a lot hornier than ever before (excepting, perhaps, those years between my 16th and 23rd birthdays). And now, of course, I am specifically not allowed any such indulgence. What I did was take that sense of immediate need and simply make it Belle’s responsibility. I distinctly remember thinking she didn’t take my desires seriously enough considering the great gift of my chastity that I had given her. Double frustration. Not only was I horny as fuck, she didn’t seem to think it was her job to help me channel my frustrations.

I think this is a trap a lot of guys find themselves in.

Chastity and denial are, indeed, great at bringing couples closer together. But that can also do the opposite if the guy takes his perceived birthright of easy sexual gratification and pushes it over onto his partner. That is not the point of chastity. And it didn’t become the force for good that it is for us until I figured that out.

The only way to really quench my sexual thirst is to have an orgasm. But I only want that physically, not mentally or emotionally. She doesn’t want that either, most of the time. So I had to realize that my frustration and the constant need for sexual contact was mine to deal with, not hers. Yes, it often gnaws at me and flutters around in my chest and makes my balls ache and the penis hard and drippy, but that energy is what powers the beneficial aspects of chastity and denial. It is chastity and denial, not a side-effect.

I remember people telling me in comments on the blog early on that I wasn’t seeing the big picture. That I wanted her to control my sex, right? And wasn’t this what that meant? That I wouldn’t get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it? But I didn’t see it. In short, I was a spoiled boy who missed his best friend. I struggled to adapt. But yes, I did want her to control my sex and living with not always getting what I want is the point. And, strangely, being totally estranged from my first best friend and completely removed from instant (or any) gratification has made me significantly happier than I was before. I can’t explain why, but it’s true. I don’t know how it works, but it does.

So now, when she tells me I’m not getting unlocked or even that we are not going to have sex, instead of feeling angry or resentful or petulant, I feel warm and grateful. Grateful that she has accepted the true meaning of her control without guilt or excessive consideration of what I’m feeling. Yes, she does recognize that what I go though can be hard, but she and I both know it’s for the best. We both know it makes me a better person and partner to her and it’s what we both want. So she appreciates it, but what I crave is not a primary consideration when she decides what she wants to do. And holy shit, does that turn me on.

If you read this blog because you hope one day to have your partner keep you locked up and/or deny you your orgasm, you need to know that doing it the way we do it means more than just a stifled erection. It means truly subjugating your sex to theirs. It means finding a way to capture and use that pent-up sexual desire for productive purposes and not letting it leak all over them in destructive and selfish ways. That is fucking hard. Maybe the hardest thing you’ll ever do for your partner. But, if you can pull it off, maybe the best thing you’ll ever do for them and for yourself.

I mentioned up there the “great gift of my chastity” that I had given Belle. Yes, it is a kind of gift, but I know now that the gift of her control is at least as great. Maybe greater in that it wasn’t something she ever wanted to do with her husband or thought she’d need to deal with. Never forget that. Your chastity is not bigger or more important than what they give you in return as the one controlling you. Submission is not greater than domination. It is not harder than domination. They are equal yet opposite things.

I don’t want anyone to read all this and think chastity means less sex. That’s not what it means. For us, it’s meant more and so much better sex. What it means is fewer orgasms for you, that’s it. The trap is trying to get her to have sex with you every time you would have otherwise gone off to yank one out. That’s unrealistic and unfair. You need to find a way to get off on their being in control and telling you no. You have to get off on being controlled. I know, that sounds obvious, but it’s a lot easier to think than to do. If you can do it and also channel that energy into making them realize how good the extra hassle of being in control of you can be for them, you’ll wake up one day to find them as much or more invested in that control than you are.

You might miss your first best friend, but…you can always get a dog.

In the shadow

I’ve had a stressful week. I know, that’s not a very encouraging start to a post on a blog about kinky sexual practices.

I’m starting to wonder if I don’t have some kind of pathological disorder when it comes to getting stressed out about otherwise totally achievable tasks when they start to pile up. That, and leaving home. This week, I had a bunch of smallish things I had to do that you’d think someone in my position would be able to pull off without breaking a sweat but they were related to going on a business trip to a place I’d never been to meet people I didn’t know. That made me freak out a little inside. Well, maybe more than a little. I was functional, but eaten up with dread and that created a block that led me to put off what I knew I had to do for about two weeks until the last minute. And now I’m on said trip and walking around with a little ball of foreboding in my stomach. I’ll probably be fine once I’m actually in the conversations I’m here to have, but it’s leading up to them that’s bugging me.

The week started out, though, really well. Sunday, Belle and I had zero sex but I was left feeling very satisfied. I even told her I liked the day and she was surprised since I never got unlocked and never got into her pants.

That morning, she started out by telling me I wasn’t getting out. I was to remain as I had been and there would be no free penis time that week at all. That brought forth the forces of gnawing repressed sexual hunger and the warm and cozy sense of total submission to her. They met in my chest like opposing firehoses sprayed into each other’s maws and the resulting conflagration of energy combustion fueled my craving little bunny persona. I simultaneously wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her violently while also bowing down to her will and curling up in the shadow of her domination. That is what being submissive feels like to me and it’s wonderful.

In any event, we started to get down to the business of getting her off but were distracted by the noises of children and their sleep-over guests and she decided we’d stop. Of course, I wanted to keep going. Badly. Really badly. But her decision was enough to throw a blanket over all my cravings and I didn’t put up a fight. Again with the gnashing and thrashing of my subjugated sexual monster overlaid with the obedient fuzzy bunny rolling over on his back. I felt really good about myself that I was nearly as satisfied by my reaction to being left locked and loaded than I would have been by feeling her come against my fingers or tongue.

Later that night, as we went to bed, she said she wanted me naked and next to her so I was expectational but all she wanted to do was feel me there and I didn’t get annoying. Another win. She also said she kinda sees the point of the clear Holy Trainer in that being able to observe the penis all smashed in there and controlled was a turn-on to her. Not so much that she liked it better than the Steelheart, but she got it. She reiterated to me again (because I need to hear it) that, in fact, she prefers me the way I am when denied and locked up over the me who isn’t locked or has come and, while the sex lizard bellowed in anguish, the rabbit purred. If, indeed, rabbits purr. Whatever purr-like thing rabbits do, it was doing.

So she left me feeling exactly like I want to feel. On many levels. And there was no sex. And it was still awesome.

But then the week started. The thing I had put off was on and in the forefront of my mind and the trip was perched down at the end of the week like a vulture and these things were interrelated and bugging me significantly. Then the furnace started acting like a fuckhead. And then it snowed and got really cold.

Fucking life.

In short, I got moody and irritable. But I tried like hell to hide that from Belle. Turns out, a lot of that feeling got rerouted to Drew. I didn’t want to be a dick to him, but trying to raise the enthusiasm necessary to be engaged in that dynamic was very difficult. And it made me even more annoyed. Not specifically with him, but with it all just being one more fucking thing I had to stress over. More things that piled on top of all the others that were freaking me out. I was really kind of a mess.

But it led to us having a conversation today to reset expectations all around. We agree that what we are able to do with each other is frosting on the cake of our primary lives. It’s entirely optional. It has to live in whatever air pockets exist around our “real” lives. And in my case, this week there were none. Plus, for me, this is just about sex. And I don’t say that in any way that should be construed as minimizing it because I think sex is very important. But I just don’t know that I’m wired in a way to be able to handle what we had both tried to establish in the past few weeks. Which is to say, I’m not looking for a polyamorous situation (and I’m not saying he was trying to make this into one) and I can’t do what I thought I could absent that kind of commitment. What I really want and have always wanted was a friendship with a guy who’ll screw me on the side. And that’s about it. And that’s OK with both of us.

So yeah, resetting expectations. He wondered if this would look like some kind of failure, but I rejected that. We aren’t failing at anything. We’re doing something new for both of us that’s also quite complicated. It’s evolving. It’s adjusting to the contours of our primary lives. If we can make that happen and still feel like we’re getting what we want out of it, how can that be failure? Quite the opposite. And there’s still elements of D/s involved because that’s who I am and it’s the kind of sex I need to have (future post topic: kink as a sexual orientation). It’s also who he is and what he wants. So we’re not totally abandoning that aspect at all. Evolution.

I’m still feeling a little freaked out and hate that I’m not home with Belle right now, but I think I’m over the worst. The hardest parts are behind me and I’ll be home in less than 24 hours. Home to my Belle and the warm bed and my place next to her, curled up in the shadow of her dominance. Purring. Or whatever it is rabbits do.

Mailbag

A dude calling himself shinycell asked:

I’ve been a lurker for a few years and finally ordered a Steel Heart with CB fix and anatomical ring. It is awesome. My wife loves it and what it does. Oh… I love it too.

I’ve had it since May and find that after about a week, with her daily teasings, I get a crazy pinching between the A ring and tube…on both sides of the tube. that bunch of skin gets trapped between. It gets pretty bad to break skin and I have to go without til it heals.

I can tell that my scrotum gets pretty full after a week. Not a blue swelling, but just a fullness. It goes away after I take the tube off.

I’m wondering if you’ve had a similar experience with the pinching. I was thinking, haven’t tried, if the fullness would go away with a milking :). The A ring is a 50 and I’ve worn cockrings that size for weeks without the fullness, so I don’t think it’s too small.

No, I don’t think your ring is too small. It sounds like the space between the ring and the tube is. Did you go with the standard gap or change it? For me, the standard spacing was fine, but you might need to have Dietmar tweak it. Also, did you get the vaguely named “stainless steel ring?” The Steelheart I wear has that. It’s supposed to make the edge of the ring not so sharp. Perhaps he could add that if you don’t have it already.

WRT to milking, that would relieve buildup from your prostate, not your balls. I’m very familiar with the swelling you’re talking about. Pretty sure that’s unused testicular product backing up in the epididymis. In fact, that swelling is pretty obvious in this picture I posted to Tumblr earlier today. It would definitely get pinched by a tube with either too sharp an edge or too small a spacing (or both).

Aaaaand, that’s it. Thought I had more, but all the rest either needed no reply or were simple email replies.

The Stocking Method

I mentioned the other day that I was going to be wearing the Holy Trainer v2 for a while in order to write up a review of it. The tube of the small HTv2 is fairly tight (about an inch high and maybe an inch and a third wide) and squishing an octopus-like flaccid penis into it is rather tricky. This is compounded by the unique nature of the biosourced resin used in the device. It’s softer and grippier on the surface than the kind of polycarbonate used in a device like the CB-6000 (though nothing as soft and grippy as silicone).

In any event, a device such as this requires employment of the venerable “stocking method” of penis insertion. Just clip the end off an old pair of women’s stockings (or a very thin pair of men’s stocks, I suppose) and do what I do in this video.

The benefit of the stocking method is it puts the end of the penis about as far as it’ll go into the device. In the HTv2 (perhaps due to the sticky nature of the resin used), this means it will stay down in there pretty well and not sneak back up the tube. I find this makes urinating easier and may even help keep things cleaner.

The full review will likely be posted in a week or so.

Morning exchange

“Again with the feet.”
“I’m really horny this morning.”
“You’re horny because you looked at porn.”
“No, I looked at porn because I’m horny. I’m honey because you don’t let me come.”
“And that’s for the best, isn’t it?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good boy.”
“Thank you.”
“OK, you can make me come now.”

Why *do* we post?

An excellent question posed by mksboy on his blog.

In short, I post because I need to process my life and feelings through the written word. Were I living in 1920, I’d be writing a journal. But I live in 2014 so I blog. Way back at the dawn of time (October 12, 2008 to be precise — shit I forgot the blog’s anniversary again!), I said this:

The reason I started this blog, though, was not to categorize, compare, and contrast all the various practices (though that might happen along the way). None of the sites I’ve found seem to be written for me or my partner. There are elements of nearly all of them that appeal to me (and my kinky side), but when I think of how I want orgasm denial (OD) to work in our relationship, I can’t find an analogue. So, since we’re at the very beginning of our exploration and I don’t have anyone other than my partner with which I can discuss it, here I go. Maybe this will prove helpful for someone else.

So, even though I could still write a journal and be done with it, I also write a blog because it allows me to benefit from the community aspect of my readers (which, along the way, has been very helpful) and also to be a resource for those in a similar spot as Belle and I were in at one point. While I didn’t start out to become well known (at least to Google) on the particular subject of enforced male chastity, I’m not sad I did. But I am more than that.

Regardless, the subject of mksboy post wasn’t why any of us blog (and a lot of you do). It was about the other day when I was annoyed. His take on all that was:

If you are going to write about your life and your experiences with chastity (or any subject for that matter) you have to expect that some people aren’t going to like what you have to say.

Its not about right and wrong really. Its about people’s perception of what you write and who you are as a person. This often comes across as judgmental on the part of your readers. Guess what? It IS judgmental and that’s just how it goes.

Sure, I get that. If someone is massively turned off by the idea that a man would want to have sex with another man, there’s nothing to be done about that. That person is not wrong for what they feel just as the man who wants to bone another guy isn’t wrong in his feelings. Seems that’s from chapter one, page one of the Kinky Blog Reader’s Handbook. YKINMKBYKIOK.

Mksboy continues:

If I had any advice for Thumper I guess I would tell him to accept the negative and the positive comments. We learn from negative comments. Sometimes we learn that we need to reconsider our actions and make changes. Other times the comments just serve to reinforce what we already believe. There is no need to get defensive.

We blog and in doing so put ourselves out there for scrutiny. We are not always going to like what our readers have to say but what does it really matter? We have to have tough skin if we are going to put our sexual activities on the internet for all to read.

There’s a difference, I think, between negative comments and constructive feedback. Feedback, I’ve been told, is a gift, even when it’s negative (maybe especially then). Negative comments are just that. Of the three I quoted, only one could even barely be considered “feedback” (the one that warned, since I had had teh gay sex, to get myself tested for HIV). The other two were just negative and seemed to violate the YKINMK rule.

I have followed dozens of kink and sex blogs and sometimes they go places I have a hard time following. I DO NOT post to that effect. It is not my place to tell someone they’re doing something I don’t personally find interesting or sexy if it’s consensual on all sides. In other words, sometimes you just hold your tongue. I, as a reader, am always free to stop reading. I may judge them, but it’s not my place to tell them I don’t approve for no other reason than I don’t approve.

In my opinion, none of the comments that got me riled up were constructive in any way. They were rude and homophobic and distasteful. There was nothing whatsoever to learn from any of them and, being generous, two of them weren’t meant to be anything other than negative.

As I said, feedback is a gift. I will accept mksboy’s post in that light. But I disagree that I overreacted or failed to see the value in the comments in question. As always, I welcome feedback that is meant to be helpful. I totally reject anything that judges me or anything I do. I’m tired of being judged. Life’s too damned short.

Lunchtime chat

lunchtime chat

Addendum to previous post

Forgot to mention one other things Belle said last night. She was reading about the Holy Trainer v2 coming in and deciding whether or not she’d let me wear it (I really need to remember the order of operations on this stuff). Yes, she will, but she said the only way I’d ever see Drew was locked in the Steelheart. The Steelheart is, more than any other, her device. It’s her favorite. The one she’d leave me in all the time if she didn’t indulge me with some variety from time to time. I’ll never see him in the Looker or the Trainer or anything else. Just the Steelheart because it’s the most powerful symbol of who owns what’s inside.

Plus, you know, you can’t see the penis inside it. Drew doesn’t get to see that (in real life — I’ve left enough pictures of it all over the internet). The penis is 100% Belle’s and she will not share it, ever. Also, the Steelheart is the only truly and totally secure device she has. Not that she doesn’t trust me, but it’s not only the most powerful symbol of her control, it’s also the most literally controlling.

And…that’s fucking hot. All the way around. I love that she feel so possessive of it and me and that helps me appreciate what a great gift she’s given me in allowing me to see Drew.

And speaking of him, he feels terrible about he excessively possessive thing I mentioned. He suggested going back and editing that post, but I told him that was a bad idea. It’s already out there and, in my opinion, blogs like these only move forward. I’ve never gone back and substantively edited a post here. All my mistakes and foolishness from the early days are still there and, when I look back, I find plenty to be embarrassed about. Instead, I told him he should write a new post about it and move on.

Time and relative dimension in space

We have moved from the giddy, nervous newness stage of allowing a third party a place at my table and into the practical reality of how it’s going to function so that everyone involved, but especially Belle, feels comfortable. It all has to settle into a stable routine.

Each person in this little triangle has their own perspective and vulnerabilities. I feel it’s my responsibility to look out for both mine and Belle’s since I’m the one who wants this and she’s the one who has allowed it to happen. That’s not to say I don’t think of Drew in all this as well, but the priority is Belle, first and always. The thing I have been struggling with is that I’ve found myself putting me last in line. I suppose this is a submissive’s trap, but I’ve realized that if I don’t take care of myself then I’ll probably fuck up my first priority (keeping Belle as comfortable as possible with the arrangement).

For me, it all culminated on Sunday. I have some things I need to do for myself and a community of friends that I’ve been putting off since essentially the day Drew showed up and started distracting me. The day ended with me doing things for him and doing things for Belle and not having completed her list of tasks and totally ignoring my own needs and, on top of everything else, I fucked up my Achilles tendon and probably won’t run again until the end of December so my mood was shit. But I didn’t want to show any of that to either of them. I was feeling pretty crap and like I was holding on by my fingernails. Pressured.

Of course, none of this is Belle’s problem. She’s not expected to make room for Drew and how that changes me. I have to make the room. So this had to be an issue taken up with him. We talked yesterday and set some good ground rules going forward. Rules about when we communicate and how and what his expectations are with regard to my submission. We also discussed how I can easily share my sex and even my submission (to the right person) but I can’t share my heart. Not with him. There’s nothing wrong with him except that I’m not capable of feeling a certain way towards a man and I needed him to really and truly get that (which he did and does).

So on Sunday, late in the day, I was laying on the couch with my head in Belle’s lap while she watched football (three games). She was stroking my hair and mentioned she didn’t think she could let the Drew thing happen if he was local. She’d feel too possessive of me.

“You have the local franchise,” I said.

“I have the only franchise,” she corrected in a sweet yet totally serious and I better be paying attention tone. “He’s just renting.”

Then, last night, she told me she read his initial post over on his new blog. She said she wouldn’t be going back there, at least not for a while. She felt his tone was too possessive of me and I totally get that. I felt the same thing when I read it, but I know him and know that he came off sounding more entitled than he knows he is. But she doesn’t know that and she didn’t respond well. She’s still giving me the freedom to explore a relationship with Drew, but made it clear that there are landmines we need to be aware of.

This is, of course, exactly what I want us to do. Communicate. Be honest. I don’t think there’s a snowball’s chance this will work if we’re not. Part of being honest is establishing space. The space she needs apart from what Drew writes, the space she needs in our relationship that is exclusively ours and inviolate. The space I need from Drew to do that. The space I need to make sure I don’t get consumed by the task subbing to two people so it’s impossible to accomplish.

Moral of this post: We’re being cautious, sensible adults as we move through uncharted territory. And that’s good.

Holy Trainer v2 inbound

So since Andy’s review of the Holy Trainer 2 I mentioned the other day, the device has been on my mind. There were some loose ends from my original Holy Trainer review and I’ve always wanted to address them. Not only the new design, but the “biosourced resin” material and, specifically, the clear version which seems to get more reports of cracking and failure than the opaque models. Then, Belle and I scheduled a trip to NYC for next month in which I requested she keep me in the Trainer. So it was on my mind even more.

So, yes, I ordered the v2 Trainer this morning. The final straw was noticing that when one Google’s “Holy Trainer” my review is the first site listed that isn’t one of the holytrainer.com pages. It’s the same if you Google “Holy Trainer 2.” If you ask Google for “Holy Trainer review” or “Holy Trainer 2 review,” I get top billing. Well, friends, that was it. I couldn’t stand the thought that people might be coming here looking for a review of the HT v2 and finding a review of the old model. Also, since the clear resin might be a fatal flaw, I felt compelled to pick it up.

I started ordering from the HT site but thought $20 for shipping was excessive and checked out Kept for Her. The device is available there and ships via Priority Mail for $8. Total damage was $178 which was about five bucks cheaper than going direct (and, I expect, will result in faster deliver since KFH is domestic and HT is in Europe).

Back when I found out the HT v2 existed, I asked the manufacturer if they’d supply a review unit. They declined, as I recall, saying they had already sent out all the review units they were going to give away (since it’s highly doubtful they want any of them back). So here I am several months later shelling out my own allowance, but at least that means you know I have no skin in the game. No conflict of interest. In fact, if it breaks, I’ll be pissed. Also, dear reader, know that I bought the clear one especially for you. I prefer the look of the black device and so does Belle, as a general rule.

My plan will be to ask Belle if I can wear the device for at least a month. I want to evaluate how the changes in the design impact its performance and I want to give the clear resin a real test. I’ll likely post a new review based on a few days of wear but will be adding to it over time with notes on durability. KFH sent a shipment notification less than two hours after I ordered which says two things. One, I hope to be able it get it on soon. Two, KFH is on their game.

So, stay tuned.

Finally, I figured out my Google rankings might help determine which of the two best-known plastic chastity devices is the better seller if, as I do, you assume Google searches are an indicator of purchase intent. My CB-6000 tips and tricks page is also the top link if you Google for a CB6K review, so comparing the two pages’ traffic should be interesting directional information.

For the year so far, the Holy Trainer review averages 2,178 views a month. It’s usually in the top five pages every day. The CB-6000 review page gets  5,042 and is usually number two or three on the days I don’t post a new entry. Traffic for both is pretty flat and has shown little increase or decrease, on average, over the year. So, one might assume the CB6K remains the clear winner in the plastic cock lock wars. Pity, really, since I think the HT is a better device all the way around.

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