Let it be

I was just having an email exchange with someone who has been struggling recently with the level of frustration and horniness he’s dealing with as a result of having been self-locked for a few months.

I, of course, understand those difficulties. While I’m not continuously and distractingly horny like in the old days, I still have periods of intense feelings. Sometimes they last for days but other times they come on in a great crashing wave from seemingly nowhere before receding into the background again.

My advice for guys who are like me and find themselves in places like that is to do what they can to focus not on the what and how but on the why. Being horny and locked up is what and how but the why is because we need to be that way. We need to have our penises taken away and feel the tool of that denial in their place. We need to experience the frustration of inaccessibility and the build up of unsatisfied sexual release. It’s how we’re meant to be. I can’t tell you why. That’s above my pay grade. But it just is.

We can’t stop the horniness from building and, really, we don’t want to. Once we feel it and live with it we know it’s supposed to be there and if it weren’t — if we did what needed to be done to make it go away — we’d mourn its absence. We’d be less happy than we were before. And all we need to do is to feel a hard penis in our hands or an unlocked one in our pants to know that’s the case. It feels wrong. It feels like cheating. Especially in the seconds after orgasm.

The horniness we live with, even when it’s distracting, is not the problem. It’s the point. It’s our natural condition. We can’t fight it. We can’t obsess over it. We need to accept it into ourselves and let it be present. To feel it as an affirmation rather than a distraction. Because when it’s gone, its absence will leave a sucking void inside.

Do not endure. Accept.

Something to show

When we marry or commit our lives to one another, we can wear a ring on our finger to show that. But when we submit to another, there are few socially acceptable ways to demonstrate it publicly. Which is interesting since submission often has a physical component to it, whether it be a collar or a chastity device or what have you. But those components typically don’t leave the private realm. Regardless, I know I have often wanted to have some kind of way to show my status that could pass through Muggle life without creating too much of a ruffle.

Of course, there’s little way I can publicly communicate my chastity, though I feel about it much like someone feels about marriage. The device has a potent emotional weight for me. And sure, sometimes someone might see it through my clothes and I don’t go to extreme lengths to hide it, but that’s not like wearing a wedding ring. I got a triskal tattoo on my wrist which is kind of an inside nod to those who recognize what it means but I think of that as communicating what I am, not my status. The best way I’ve been able to make that statement in a way that feels authentic to me is a stainless steel locking cuff.

More steel!

I got the first one about seven years ago from a site called House of Collars. It locks with a little headless screw that requires a hex key to get on and off and is hinged and cost $67 shipped. I so appreciate its rough and naked utilitarianism. I think it looks almost like jewelry but really, if you look hard enough, not since it’s got hinges and no visible means of closure. It’s heavy and, after all these years, had a nicely beaten up patina. It’s only drawback, really, is that the little screw has become loose and can work its way out after a few days (which is nothing some Loctite from the hardware store couldn’t fix). Its other issue is the hinges. They can tear at my skin and leave it open and raw. On the one hand, that kind of thing can be kind of hot, but on the other more practical hand, it’s also a pain. I wore it for over a week recently when we were away for the 4th and it left me with a nice little wound.

That got me thinking about a more civilized lockable cuff someone pointed me to in the post I wrote about the first one seven years ago. It’s from Träume aus Edelstahl in Germany (of course) and cost $185 shipped. It’s the first cuff’s spiritual opposite. It doesn’t have a sharp or uncivilized edge on it and is machined with exquisite skill. It locks with a hidden, internal screw mechanism and a special little tool with an oddly-shaped head. It came with just one special little tool with an oddly-shaped head, by the way. So best not to lose it. An extra one is $30.

They’re about the same thickness and weight. The older cuff is slightly taller than the new one, but they don’t feel that different on the wrist except for the missing sharp bits. The new cuff gleams while the older one is dulled by wear. While that dull patina kind of works for the tougher, more serious and less caring demeanor of it, I can’t imagine I’ll want the new cuff to end up that way. I’ll probably want to keep it polished and beautiful.

I thought I’d like the new one hands-down over the old, but in reality I can’t tell. Sure, I like not having a wound on my wrist, but I do appreciate the different vibe of the older cuff. It doesn’t fuck around or play hide and seek with its purpose. It looks like an implement of bondage. The new cuff is more demure. Deceptive. It wants to be be able to pass as something more than it is, and it does that beautifully. It’s very comfortable, very sleek, and very locked.

The difference between a wedding ring and one of these cuffs is that the wedding ring can come off. It’s a thing that represents a willing and equal partnership. But a thing that locks onto your body doesn’t. There is an inherent unequalness that resonates in the soul of a sub. Being able to put that condition on display is very satisfying, even if to the untrained Muggle eye it’s just another shiny bauble.

Wandering the vacant rooms

I was out of chastity for thirty-nine days. By far and quite easily the longest time I’ve gone without that restriction since Belle first locked me up over nine years ago. I came ten times during that period, each by my own hand. That’s twice as many orgasms in just over a month than I had all year in 2017.

Whilst I was away from home (Americans need to start saying “whilst” more, don’t you think? And maybe “betwixt,” too.), Belle sent me a text saying I needed to go back in the minute I got home. Hearing her express a preference and give me the direction was a step in the right direction for me and us. We still have things to work on, but that’s a start.

I wanted out of chastity because I was sad and feeling like an afterthought. I felt like our relationship had been given a spot at the back of the bus. And that left me feeling empty and lonely. But once I was out, I felt…more empty. More alone. But I also lost the sense of who I was.

I’ve been denied normal orgasmic release for coming up on ten years. The penis has been locked away, off and on, for the same amount of time (more on than off lately, recent issues notwithstanding). I think I’ve always told myself that I could go back to “normal” if I wasn’t locked up and was coming on a regular basis. Not letting the denial energy build up. Just squeezing one out whenever I had the barest urge. I told myself that, but had I really been listening, I would have known that wasn’t the case. That when I went back to “normal” I was just as miserable as I was before. Because I’m not normal. I’m not supposed to come whenever I want. I’m not supposed to be able to reach in my pants at any given moment and feel the penis, squishy or otherwise.

Whatever I was before chastity and denial and submission and bottoming is gone. Jacking off in the shower was like wandering my boyhood home after the last family had moved out. Vacant rooms, bare walls. Cold. “Normal” me — which was never really me, just the facade I put up for forty-some years to satisfy cultural expectations — is dead and irretrievable. I never want to live like that again. I can’t.

I had already decided to stop jacking off before I left on my trip. I needed to restart my pilot light and feel those denied urges again. Not that I would have been able to resist forever using nothing but will power. I was even toying with the idea of putting myself back in lock-up, but felt the only way I would in reality was if Belle told me to. And she did.

What’s been absolutely confirmed to me by this experience is how little I think of my own orgasm. Three to five seconds of bliss in exchange for all the energy and dynamism and emotion that comes from not experiencing it? To never feel the drop after coming. To maintain myself in a stable, denied, horny and headspacey state of being. It’s so much better for me. It’s so perfectly clear that it’s exactly who I am supposed to be and how I’m supposed to be.

IMG_0307So I was going on about ten days without orgasm when I was in the woods and got Belle’s text. I was already feeling a bit horny, but seeing her wishes spelled out and knowing I was going to go back in kicked it up a notch. That led to a night of less than two hours sleep as my imagination kept playing bespoke dirty movies inside my head. The penis was hard most of the time but I was sharing a little one-room cabin with another guy (and a mouse). I realized at some point in the night my underwear had a large patch of precum soaked through.

The next day, I spent time trying to nap in my hammock. Just me and my tented underwear. Again, the imagination and the penis conspired. Everything was firing now and I felt much more in my element. Horny and desirous. Only lacking the friendly confines.

I will admit to losing my will in my hammock. Inside the bug netting and under the rain tarp, it was the only place I could get some privacy and I did edge myself for some time. I didn’t come, but I did leak quite a bit into my hand and, having nowhere else to put it, I had to eat it. The fact that I could was the, eh…”proof in the pudding” as it were that I didn’t orgasm. The drive home was long but I didn’t whip it out on the highway. I did rub it quite a bit though my pants.

Literally within ten minutes of being home, I was putting the Steelheart back. And it all just clicked into place. It was a bit odd feeling the heft and the bulk of the tube again, but I got used to it quickly. It is, after all, more me than what it contains.

Of course, Belle left the next morning. She’s gone until Thursday. But the whole week after that we’re up at the northern compound enjoying Independence Day. We have some stuff to figure out, but the corner has been turned. Sanity is returning.

Sitrep

A month ago today, I took off the chastity device I was wearing. I haven’t put one back on since. I haven’t felt like it and Belle hasn’t asked me to.

It’s been incredibly hard for some time now between Belle and I. We went weeks and weeks without seeing one another. If she wasn’t gone, I was. And when we do happen to be home at the same time, there have been distractions. And she’s been consumed by her work.

We haven’t had sex since April. I haven’t initiated and neither has she.

Someone asked me if during this difficult time I didn’t find “comfort” in the chastity. No. I didn’t. Because even though I’m the only one who wears it, it’s a team sport. At least the way we do it. And it just became too hard. Too sad. Like sitting by yourself on a seesaw. So I told Belle I wanted to go on a break. From chastity and denial. Just like I’m a normal guy.

Being out and doing whatever I want with the penis has left me feeling…different. Unmoored. Like the center has gone. The bottom has fallen out of a part of my identity. It’s kinda like no longer wearing your wedding ring anymore. But the lack of its presence has become the center for something else. It’s bundled up a bunch of anxiety about how we’re not taking care of ourselves or each other or our relationship. We’re just…drifting. And not talking. And not doing anything about anything.

And it’s not going to get any better any time soon. I’m going to be in the woods for the next week. When I get back, she’s leaving for a week. Just like it’s been all year. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’m unhappy.

April metrics

IMG_2426A full third of the year is done and it’s yet another “weird” month where Belle and I have been apart far too often. May will be more of the same and it’s really starting to take a toll on me, but that’s for another post. This is just about numbers.

I was out of a device for just over an hour and a half which is the lowest amount since Locktober. That’s two-tenths of one percent of freedom, twice for Belle but there was also a day where I was out for cleaning and maintenance that was a long enough period (nine minutes) that I felt it needed to be counted. The Steelheart once again was the preferred deterrent, though I did dally with a few others towards the end of the month (Looker 02 and Micro). My own travel had me in the Holy Trainer v3 (I keep going back and forth between the v2 and the v3).

Belle let me fuck her twice and both times I leaked into her. No orgasms for me.

Belle only had six orgasms this month which is the lowest number this year and the fewest since June of last year. She gave herself two of them, I fingered her for the rest.

IMG_2429In the first 120 days of the year, I was not locked into a device for a skosh over eight hours. That’s just nearly three-tenths of one percent. Conversely, 99.72% of 2018 I’ve been locked. I have an appointment with my doctor later this week so the YTD unlock number will go up quite a bit, as a percentage, but I’m going to do my best to minimize the impact. Last time I saw him, I took the device off in the parking lot and put it back on in the car when I was done. I have been known to visit the doctor while locked, but only when I’m there for a specific reason unrelated to anything happening between my legs. This is more a general visit so I can’t be sure what he’ll want to fondle, fiddle with, or poke. I’m at that age where everything is game.

Belle gets home from Europe where she’s been since last week and will be going to the east coast tomorrow. Later in the month, after I’m back in LA, she goes to Asia. That all profoundly sucks. Maybe June will be whatever normal was…

Mailbag

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Steve forever

Welcome back to another exciting installment of the DT Mailbag!

Brooke bothered…

Hey Thumper, I was curious if you’ve ever come across the practice of using ‘Athletic Tape’ for light chastity play before. If you’re not familiar, it’s like a thin and stretchy fabric tape that athletes use to stick onto their skin. It’s designed for adhering to skin (although maybe not to genitals), and you can cover your glans & frenulum using a few strips. It works pretty well to stay in place, lowers your sensitivity from skin to skin contact, and is painless to remove if you gently peel it off. I like that there’s no prep involved to get protected fast (no stocking method), it’s lightweight, and you can sleep in it easily. It’s not supposed to prevent an erection or be a substitute for a cage, but in between it fulfills its role pretty well if you just need to not have a sensitive naked penis for a few hours or for one day. It’s also sold in most stores.

No, but it sounds intriguing. Seems like the instances of DIY or pervertable chastity play has become much less prevalent since there are so many devices out there now at nearly any price point. But the bondage enthusiast in me likes the idea of being bound up like that.

Mike mathered…

Excellent blog – it’s extremely useful to a newbie to this like I am. With your years of experience, perhaps you can help here?

I’m trying to move to a HTv3 after being in a CB-6000s; in the CB I was wearing the #3 ring width the second smallest spacer, and had been wearing for about 3 months. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, other than the usual CB annoyances with the ring.

I’m now trying the HT with a 45mm ring, and while everything seems fine before I put the cage on, once I put the cage on my balls start to turn a dark red/slight purple colour and get a fair bit cooler to the touch (but not outright cold). My veins also become more prominent on my scrotum, which has me believing that the ring + cage is too tight (despite being larger than the one I wear on the CB), even though I can slip a finger between the ring and my shaft.

In your expertise, is this indeed a sign that it’s too tight, and that I should look at moving up to the 50mm ring at this point?

Yes, that’s too tight. At certain points (full pressurization), a flushing of the scrotum skin isn’t out of the ordinary, but cold is no good at all and that seems too tight for those times it’s not stuffed with an erection. One of the advantages of the CB-X line is the spacers. Sounds like you need to bump that base ring up, at least for a while.

Another Mike mouthed…

Hi great blog, been a lurker for a while. and into the life for about 20 yrs off and on. Mrs M not really interested so tends to go in cycles

Just about to go full steel, currently self locked CB600 & more recently HT2 (plus some junk from China)

Looking to go with the half shell, however, struggling to get a reply from the website, do you know if they are still trading, any tips on getting their attention. Wanted to modify the head to a single hole as per your thoughts

Keep up the good work, you are THE resource for us out here…

I’ve heard from others who have had issues getting a response from Rigid. I also hear it about Steelworxx from time to time. Both these outfits are small manufacturers (AFAIK, it’s just Deitmar at Steelworxx and Rigid is, I think, a couple). They get backed up with orders and the response levels drop. I’d think that’s especially a problem with Rigid since their designs are so innovative. FWIW, that’s a complaint I’ve never heard about Mature Metal.

Apparently, there are many more penises looking for custom metal securement than there are craftspeople to make them. One of the reasons Chinese Ebay specials have become so popular, I guess. Cheap and readily available.

Darrell demurred…

I’ve ordered a steelworxx looker 02 about a month age ( anxiously waiting now ) any how 58mm total length you reviewed it quite some time ago just wondering what you think of it now having owned one for awhile…..do you still wear it…

Lol, yes, I still wear it. So far this year, I’ve worn it nearly sixty days total. My only complain is the base ring is borderline too tight. Other than that, it’s Belle’s main axe.

A mysterious stranger said…

I’ve been following your blog for a while and wanted to share some info based on your recent posting “Of Trust and Locks“. First off, I totally agree with you, a lock isn’t necessary and it’s the trust factor that’s important.

You then mention switching to the HT for travel. I just wanted to share that I just returned from my 5th flying trip in the last nine months and have had no problems with my Mature Metal Queen’s Keep. I have gone through metal detectors and the body scanners with no problems. I’ve been pulled aside twice and they wanded me and it gave a small beep, but then they just let me go. This has been both in the US (various airports) and in Costa Rica. I’ve got another trip coming up in a week and I won’t even think about it.

The first time was kind of a fluke. I had been locked for about 3 months by that time and on the day of travel I went to get the key (I knew where it was, but had never used it, as is laid out in your posting) and tried to unlock to no avail. I tried anything I could be for whatever reason the lock wouldn’t work. We just shrugged it off and took our chances and found out it was no big deal. I have yet to replace the lock (at 9 months continuous now) and have gone on numerous other trips all while caged. Maybe the Steelheart is different, but the Queen’s Keep is a fair amount of metal.

That’s really interesting. The Queen’s Keep does look like it’s less metal than the Steelheart since the Steelheart is a solid tube and the QK is mostly cage. I wonder if the Looker 02 would make it through security the same way.

It’s funny that I still see people worry about the little brass lock in a Holy Trainer triggering a metal detector. No way does that even get close. Next time I’m traveling alone or just with Belle, I might try wearing one of the less solid devices and seeing if I can get through.

YET ANOTHER Mike monotoned…

I read your blog about using the Njoy Pure Wand tool for prostate milking and I am thinking of getting one myself. What position are you normally in during your prostate milking session while using the Njoy Pure Wand? Which position is the best position to cause a release of seminal fluid? Do you think the Njoy Pure Wand is effective at prostate milking and causing seminal fluid to be released?

The curve should be aimed toward your belly button and the knobby end should be sliding over the gland. Other than that, it’s more about how hard you’re doing it and for what length of time. Also, it doesn’t always work for every guy. Some won’t respond while others will express quite a bit of fluid. It’s about how you’re wired and configured.

Personally, it’s worked for me maybe half the time I’ve used it, but every time is an intense experience. I prefer the larger end since it seems to make better contact and stimulate more surface than the small end.

Gimli gamboled…

I’ve just stumbled across your marvellous blog so I hope these questions aren’t too tedious.

I’m in something of a different head space to you in that I’m a solo player (my lovely partner lost all interest in sex at menopause) and my interest is in somehow denying that I have a cock – I’m not quite sure why my head works that way, I have zero interest in switching gender, so perhaps it’s a sort of revenge for the various escapades that my cock has led me into over the years!

I’ve purchased a couple of cheap Chinese devices in the past but the quality has left much to be desired and one of them delivered a nasty UTI (my own fault for being too impatient to sterilise it on delivery).

I was particularly interested in your review of a micro trainer, as it seems to meet my goal of making my cock ‘invisible’. However your comment about messy urination matches my experience. I’m wondering whether you have any feedback about whether a urethral tube would solve this problem, and what drawbacks that might have?

I’m also wondering whether you might have come across some device that traps testicles up in their canals, ideally while holding the penis down in a tucked position. Of course the obvious answer is a chastity belt, perhaps a female one, but most of those I’ve seen seem designed for their visual effect and not for practical daily wear. My ideal would be something that places the head of the penis about mid perineum so that urination (albeit sitting) could take place without removing the device.

Yes, I think a urethral tube would make urination a much better experience in that device, but they were sold out when I ordered and I didn’t want to wait. Without that feature, they’re strictly a pee-while-sitting device.

I absolutely get what you’re saying about minimizing the presence of the penis. The micro is quite good at that.

Yeah, I think what you’re describing is a full belt option. Perhaps a reader can leave another idea in the comments.

Bert burped…

Have you ever been on a nude beach / clothing optional area or resort wearing a cage? What was your experience?

No, never have. Alas. If only we lived in a world where a) more places like that existed, and b) chastity wearers would be accepted without issue.

Sam, a fellow rabbit, sidled…

I’m fascinated by the concept of chastity and really want to get into it. However, I’m a college student, and I don’t have the money nor the privacy to invest in most cages. I’ve almost pulled the trigger on many products, but I’ve been too scared to commit. Do you have any guidelines for cheap devices under $50? The last thing I want is an experience similar to your metal holy trainer or some Chinese plastic rotting my knob off. Your wisdom is appreciated.

Under $50? Your only option is a Chinese knock-off, I’m afraid. That comes with risk, sure, but it’s enough for you to figure out if you even like wearing a device. Recently, I got an inquiry from a site called Oxy Shop. Can’t vouch for them, but they have a lot of devices in your price range.

Andrew opined…

For 24/7/365 wear, what is your TOP recommendation?

We’d like something that breathes, non-noticeable, comfortable, secure, and perhaps goes with a PA piercing.

The search for a perfect device is so frustrating!! Thank you so much!!!

Holy Trainer. If the PA thing is important, then I’d say a Half Shell from Rigid (if you’re OK with waiting, see above).

Yes, getting the right device can be a long and expensive project!

Phil fancied…

I’m still debating the steelheart and I was wondering..

So.. in terms of the rod allowing the PA to slide up, wouldn’t a small divot in the middle that the ring can nestle into prevent that? Perhaps expanding the ends a bit longer to prevent it from sliding forward enough to escape the valley?

The idea of the fixing I designed is to allow the ring to slide up when the penis withdraws so as to avoid the Very Nasty Pulling that can occur. That last sentence…I just don’t understand. 🤨

Simon sashayed…

Getting through the night! I am on my second Jailbird much smaller and snugger than the first; I probably have on average a relatively high/ tight scrotum BUT I struggle with the pain of the device when I get nightly erections (I am 56), would be great if you have any helpful tips.

I’m assuming, based on what you wrote, that the pain you’re having is under your balls. Have you applied silicone lube under the base ring? That’s my top tip when it comes to that issue. Otherwise, a larger ring is in your future, I’m afraid. Also, of course, it’s kinda supposed to be some level of uncomfortable. Not painful, necessarily, but one man’s discomfort is another’s agony. Hope that helps!

Annnnd, that’s all I got for the moment! Usual apologies for those who had to wait a while to get their response.

Rabbit v. Lizard

Yesterday I said…

I’m not allowed to ask for or refuse orgasm. But it’s how I’m feeling. I wish they didn’t need to happen. I feel like enough “plumbing” issues are taken care of with the occasional expression of fluid when I’m allowed to penetrate Belle. I just really, really, really don’t want to come.

…and based on a few comments, I think that was misconstrued. Totally understandable since it deals with the most difficult to understand and explain paradoxes of enforced chastity and orgasm denial.

There are two aspects to what drives us to orgasm (and I’m talking about men since while I’m very familiar with how to make a woman orgasm, I’m not an expert in how they work internally, and this is entirely my take since I’m also not a doctor, sex expert, Holiday Inn Express patron, etc). The first is biological. Hormones and brain wiring and stuff that’s buried very deeply into our evolutionary source code. It’s an animal force and in my previous writing I characterize it as the Lizard. It’s less something we consider and more something we feel. It’s the thing that in most people works together with the second aspect that leads to orgasm. The higher brain is where imagination and emotion and logic and fantasy and all that stuff live. I’ve called that part of me the Rabbit. It’s the part that has allowed me to enter into this dynamic with Belle, to consider what it means to be a sub, a bottom, and to act upon those things. And while I think of this lower brain Lizard and higher brain Rabbit separately, actually they’re fused into what constitutes my sexuality. Within me, they wrestle and the Rabbit stays in control (most of the time), but they’re like two halves of a single thing.

An attempt at an example: sometimes guys jerk off in the morning right after they wake up. Their cock is hard and they’re groggy and they feel a tickle in their balls and the next thing they know they’re squirting on their stomach. It’s almost mechanical. That’s the Lizard. Other times a guy will be in a situation that’s hot and get hard. He’ll think about that later when he’s jacking off. Thinking about the person or the situation and fantasizing and playing with his cock until he explosively shoots his load. That’s the Rabbit. He stokes the flames the Lizard provides. Except in me, the thing that makes the Rabbit super hot is to not let the Lizard get what it wants. The concept of not coming is hotter than coming. Of wanting to feel like I want to come, but not doing it. In me, the Lizard and Rabbit are not friends. They’re in constant tension.

So when I say I “really, really don’t want to come,” that’s the Rabbit talking. Because it’s the Rabbit where all the emotional, psychological stuff resides. I think being in long-term “lifestyle” denial invariably creates a lot of conflict between the Rabbit and the Lizard. The Lizard wants to stick the penis into things and squirt seed all over and fulfill evolutionary destiny. My Rabbit couldn’t care less about that stuff and wants to be the best Rabbit it can be. But they need each other. The Lizard rages against its imprisonment and the Rabbit is constantly trying to do the right thing. To not let the Lizard influence it too much. To be a fucking rabbit.

As an aside, it’s kind of funny since my Thumper nickname was given to me by Belle when we started our relationship because she thought I wanted sex as much as a rabbit supposedly wants to fuck. And that morphed into Thumper because I also have this weird tic where my feet tap and wiggle when I’m really turned on. And it’s true rabbits have a promiscuous reputation and I truly do want to have sex quite a bit, but rabbits are also the bottom of the food chain. So even though they’re apparently ravenously sexual, they’re also constantly the prey and they need to balance that out. Without really knowing it, the nickname works for me on many levels. 

Anyway. The biggest thing that’s changed in the past couple of years and that’s perhaps accelerated in the last several months is that the Rabbit/Lizard power ratio has shifted dramatically towards the Rabbit. The Lizard has gotten quite lazy and doesn’t fight as much as he once did. The Rabbit has him pretty well locked down. He still stirs and pulls on the chains like the old days, but not as often. When I’m feeling Belle squirm and moan under my fingers, he’s there. Then the penis gets as hard as it can and the craving of feeling it slip into her is the greatest. And yes, at those times, I want to come. At least, the Lizard does. In the past, the Rabbit might be swayed by the power of the Lizard’s insistence, but not anymore. He knows orgasms are like cupcakes on the counter. They look good and will be fun to eat in the moment, but after won’t feel that great. After, there will be regret.

Long way to get around to saying “really, really don’t want to come” means the Rabbit doesn’t want me to come. I actually do have the craving to come that ebbs and flows and is impacted by life like everything else. And that’s the paradox of denial. The chemical Lizard craving for orgasm lives on while the Rabbit higher brain’s desire not to keeps it all under control.

Then I said…

I reject the old trope that being locked up and denied for longer and longer periods makes one hornier and hornier forever. That’s simply not how it works.

…which was not to mean being denied doesn’t massively increase one’s level of horniness. Of course it does. But there’s an element to some hawt chastity porn that it’s an ever-increasing line that stretches off into eternity. In reality, it builds up well past normal in the course of a week or so and continues to grow more slowly over a two to three week period but then it kind of plateaus. I find it can actually drop after that and slowly go up and down like long, rolling waves (while still remaining well above normal for a guy who comes whenever he wants). It can even drop way, way down. That’s the funk I was in last week and before. Where the desire to come and have sex is actually really low to zero. That’s the worst part of denial. It’s not common, but it happens.

The thing that’s not usually mentioned is how carrying a load of unreleased hormones around can cause super quick swings in desire. I can go from zero to packed tube in seconds in the right conditions. And then it can go back down again just as quickly. I also have pretty extreme swings in emotion, though I’ve gotten better at controlling those. I can be quick to anger or on the verge of tears very suddenly. I don’t think men are accustomed to or designed to have so many hormones in their system.

But like anything else, the body adjusts. The hormone load becomes the new normal and their absence the oddity. Not coming for three or four months at a time for years dramatically changes how your body works.

Right now, I am super horny. Which is my preferred state, though it can be massively distracting. I bet it’ll stay this way for a week or so more before leveling out and moderating some. What I do not want to feel is something below what’s normal for most people. For the Lizard to go to sleep entirely. Because for me, that’s death warmed over. When that happens, it’s like a light goes out somewhere. But right now today, the light is a roaring flame and the lizard is back to plotting his escape.