The other day, I found this sexual orientation test. Probably on Bluesky, but I can’t recall exactly. It’s not like I am wondering at all about my orientation, but I took it anyway just to see what it would say. I was almost immediately taken aback by this question:
For me, this was question 2. I stopped and stared at it. I was stumped because my immediate interpretation of “intercourse” was “fucking.” Of course, that’s not what “intercourse” means, but that’s how my brain read it and I didn’t know what to do. Once I decided to interpret it as what it actually means (“physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person”), I was fine. But, literally, I stared at that question for a full 30 seconds.
I just don’t fantasize about using the contents. At all. Even in my dreams, I’m not using it for anything. I’m always locked. Always denied. Sometimes, I have dreams with sex and I’m 100% always locked in those, but there are other times I have dreams in which sex isn’t a part and my locked status is still a part of the dream. Like, nobody is asking or can tell, but in the dream, I know what’s going on in my pants.
And my waking fantasies — not just the elaborate ones I really think about but, more tellingly, the ones that spring to mind unbidden and in the moment — never involve me penetrating anyone anymore. Similarly, unlike for a long time even years after enforced denial came into our relationship, I no longer fantasize about or have the urge to jack off. Being hard outside the device, let alone holding and jacking myself, just doesn’t appeal at this point.
The only urges/fantasies I still have from before being permanently locked is to orgasm. When those happen, I can hold those in my mind and examine them and know, at a high level, that I really don’t want to come because of what I’ll feel like after, but the residual directive from millions of years of evolutionary programming is powerful. So I’m left with urges to empty my load without any urges to do the things that allow me to do so.
Maybe, someday, that urge will go away too. I’m not sure how it can, though. I have a deep psychological need to feel permanently horny. Not, like, 150% full on white-hot leaking all the time and dazed kind of horny. I want that, too, but in smaller doses. What I want is like what the Hulk in The Avengers had at the end of the movie. I need to always have the ability to get horny whenever I need or want to (though for him it was angry, but you get the point). And I can’t see how being horny can be removed from the urge to orgasm. That’s literally what horny is.
But…I dunno. “Horny” used be defined for me as an urge to do the things necessary to shoot my load and now those things are gone. I want to be used to serve and pleasure others and left wanting more, not use the contents for anything at all. Could I get to a point where I was still horny but not having any urges at all to orgasm? I guess it would be silly to say never because I never thought I’d feel like I no longer had or needed a penis. No longer wanted to have or need a penis.
For a lot of my life, and for most people, “horny” is a thing you try and get rid of as soon as you start to feel it. You either hook up or jack off or do whatever you need to do to make “horny” go away. Living in a state where you can regularly banish “horny,” alone or with others, is considered normal and healthy. But for me, and I’m sure a lot of people like me, “horny” is the point. It’s the status quo. The lack of feeling it leaves a void. Its presence starts to define us and give our sexuality form and purpose. When I’m feeling that kind of nagging, lingering horniness that floats around and won’t leave, I feel the most like who and what I am. That can be really hard to deal with when it comes, but I need it as badly as someone else needs to get rid of it.
If I ever got to the point where I didn’t feel an urge to orgasm and it led to me not feeling horny, that would be a huge problem. I would be despondent. So, if the one is dependent on the other, that last urge is one I’m happy to continue to deal with. It could be that without it, I’m nothing.
P.S. Yes, according to the test, I’m still really, really bisexual. Whew.