Unpainting corners

Eileen commented on “The one where Thumper get put into his place” and her words have me thinking. In part, she said:

I would mention from my own experience that if Belle is prone to guilt or being worried, this kind of interaction could be very tough for her. I often feel I have been painted (or have painted myself) into a corner by creating sexual expectations & buildup I simply can’t deliver on. For me, it took a very long time to get to a place where I could “take control” as you describe it, without some kind of emotional backlash from the part of me that feels obligated to create equity in my relationship with May.

Painted into a corner by expectations that can’t be delivered upon. Ouch.

Belle is prone to not only guilt, but also worry. The guilt might come from growing up Catholic, but the worrying is purely genetic. She inherited that from her mom’s side of the family. There is nothing my mother in law can’t worry obsessively about, and Belle’s has a bit of that in her. So, does she worry about meeting my expectations? I’m sure she does. The zeal with which I have embraced denial and submission is typical of how I attack new interests and, I admit, it could be off-putting. She may feel that I’ve worked out in my head how everything’s supposed to proceed and exactly what I want her to do to me. Truth is, I haven’t. There are things I want to do and have done to me, and I should be more open to her about them, but I can’t enjoy any of this if it’s proscriptive. Sure, there are things I really get off thinking about, but I don’t assume we will explore all those things together. I’m not trying to put her into a position where she’s responsible for making all my fantasies come true. One, that would be a hell of a lot of work for anyone, and two, I’m not sure I want them all to enter the real world. Basically, this will work best for me (and her) when we arrive at a place where she’s doing what she wants and how, and not just because I want it or enjoy it. This is not a place I’ve ever read about online since it will be unique to the both of us. My only expectation is that she will not do anything she really doesn’t enjoy.

Regarding any guilt she might feel from the inequity of the arrangement, I think that might be the easiest to assuage. I like the inequity! I get off on the unfairness! Being arbitrary and capricious in the doling out of sexual experiences is exactly what I want. She should come ten times more often than me. She should tell me every day for a week when I’m going to get sex and then, on a whim, decide against it. I want her to leave me straining and hard and constantly yearning for release. (God, just writing this sends waves of excitement through me.) Of course, simply saying this can’t stop her from feeling guilt, but I can only continue to say it in hopes that eventually she’ll see that keeping me frustrated and in a state “normal” society would define as terrible and unfair is one of the ways I can find happiness and some sort of satisfaction.

I’d tell her all this in person, but as I said yesterday, she’s out of town until Wednesday. And besides, this blog is partially for me to relate my story to anyone interested in reading it, but also (and, in fact, maybe mostly) it’s a tool with which I can organize my thoughts and relate them better to Belle. I do talk to her – a hell of a lot – but not always in a clear and succinct manner. Hopefully, she’ll read this tonight from her hotel room and see more clearly where I’m coming from. I certainly don’t want her to feel guilt or any kind of pressure. This is supposed to be fun, not all heavy and laden with baggage. I hope we can approach it full of joy and laughter as we discover a new and (hopefully) exciting way to enjoy each other.

Thanks, Eileen.

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