It’s been too long since my last post. One reason for this is that we were up at the cabin for the long weekend and, as I’ve said before, there’s no internet up there. The other reason is that I’ve been kind of in a funk and didn’t really know what to write, even if I could.
It started over week ago. Belle and I were laying on the bed and she said something that caused me to ask her why I was locked up. Funny that I can’t remember how I came to be asking her that, but it’s been so long that the details are getting kind of fuzzy. In any event, she said it was because I wanted to be denied. Yes, that’s technically true, but in fact, I would have rather heard it was because she wanted me to be locked up. The moment passed, but it kind of gnawed at me for the rest of the evening until later that night when she said, innocently enough, that she didn’t want all this stuff about denial and chastity and yada yada to be all that we ever talked about. She wanted some balance.
A couple of things. One, I was trying to give her balance before she said that. I know that I think about it and want to talk about it more than she does. I think that’s natural. For one, I’m a male and think about sex, like, all the time. For another, being a sexually frustrated and an “orgasmically challenged” male makes me think about it all the fucking time. But really, what most struck me about her comment wasn’t that. It was that this whole new twist to our sex life isn’t really about us as much as it was about me. That is, I feel as though I’m “coming out” to both her and myself regarding this side of my sexuality that’s been bottled up for so long. Yes, it’s also about us and our relationship, but not entirely. So, when she said she wanted balance and not to have to talk to me about all this sex stuff so much, it sounded like she didn’t want to deal with me and everything I was discovering and exploring about myself. No, that’s not what she meant, but it’s what I heard. It played perfectly into my own self-doubts. I lost it.
For a couple of days, I was a total disaster. Every time we talked about it, I cried. Not just a little. I fucking sobbed. Inconsolable. I really don’t know where all that was coming from, but I can still feel it within me. It’s as if all my insecurities fused together to form some kind of emotional shark that never stops swimming just beneath the surface of my psyche. It’s unnerving enough to be unearthing all kinds of new urges and desires, but to do it along side your wife of eleven years who, it turns out, doesn’t have any of the same proclivities is really, really hard. At least it is for me. Nothing she said was meant to reject or marginalize me or my feelings, but it all felt that way. As someone who is typically quite confident and who approaches life accordingly, this has been a difficult set of feelings to come to terms with.
At the end of our conversations, we decided that maybe limiting me to three orgasms this year was way, way too aggressive. Not only would that make it very hard for me to give her the balance she was looking for, it would also place a lot of responsibility on her shoulders in dealing with me and my constantly needy and sexually charged state. To be able to successfully take that on would require that she actually enjoy it and I just don’t think she does. Not enough, anyway. I’ve asked that we target ten more orgasms and see how that goes. If, as we go along, we want to take that number down, I’m all for it, but to jump right to three seems crazy for both of us.
So then, since I was such an emotional wreck, she took me out of the CB-6000. Not only that, she allowed me to have sex with her and I came. The actual orgasm was intense – almost too intense to be pleasurable. I found afterward that I wasn’t very happy about having come. I almost felt a sense of mourning for the period of denial I had achieved and let slip by. As if the coming was just a punctuation on my failure and bizarre fetishes.
ARGH. I hate this post. I hate how it shows how much doubt and insecurity I carry around and how uncertain I am about who I am and how to make that work in my marriage. I have a wonderful, supportive wife and yet I’m still kind of a wreck about all this. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Not for the first or last time, I wish I could just be fucking normal. Whatever normal is.
I should not even post this. I should delete it. But I feel like I need to emotionally vomit before I can start blogging again and I guess that’s what this post is: my projectile vomiting of all my inner demons upon you, my unknown reader. God, I fucking hate feeling like I’m not even sure I am what I think I am. I’ve been here before. Back when I was struggling with my bisexuality and not thinking you could be such a thing. But that was primarily a private struggle. Now I’m married with kids and a house and a dog and an expensive car and everything. Back in the day, I could withdraw. But not now. Now, I have to deal with it.
Someone please slap me across my face and tell me to snap the fuck out of it.
So, when she said she wanted balance and not to have to talk to me about all this sex stuff so much, it sounded like she didn’t want to deal with me and everything I was discovering and exploring about myself. No, that’s not what she meant, but it’s what I heard.
Thumpy, remember what I wrote a while back – your life has changed in a major way, hers hasn’t. Mrs. Edge has said similar things to me, and I’ve taken them the same way, until I’ve realized that the dynamic has changed mainly on my end, not hers.
If you’re just finally able to come out to your wife about your inner feelings of sexuality and intimacy, then you’ve got a huge reservoir that’s been built up, It’s hard on you, but you need to learn how to rein it in a bit so she’s not overwhelmed. And if the both of you aren’t accustomed to being emotionally intimate, then you’re busy learning that at the same time. You need to talk more, but try to be aware of how often you’re talking about what she perceives as sexual.
Look, I’ve been there, and it’s not easy. I have some suggestions, though. First, you need to talk about what chastity does for her. Limiting the orgasms may not work for her, you may need to allow her more to play with, especially since she’s new at it. Dice games, random events, etc., could help, as could just (as we do) allowing her 100% say so – twice a week or once in 2 months, whatever suits her.
Next, try not to dump everything emotionally all at once. Assume that you’ll have plenty of time to talk about things over the next year or so.
And write things out, it does help. Send them to her, if she doesn’t normally read your blog – it might help her understand on her own time, instead of feeling pressured.
Tom, I deeply appreciate your comment. It made me feel better for a variety of reasons. Thank you.
This sounds very natural and human to me. I guess I write a lot of the same kind of stuff about dealing with insecurities on my blog (especially in the past when things were harder). I don’t think you should feel bad about posting this way – I think it can really help to work out where some of the things in your head are coming from.
It might help to think that, when your wife says something like, “Can we talk about something else for a change?” (to put it a bit harshly), she’s not meaning to reject you personally or probably even your kinky desires. Most of the time people are stuck in their own perspective and are not thinking about you much at all – more on what they want from the interaction they’re having. I sometimes remind myself, “It’s not all about you (meaning me).” And I wouldn’t direct that to you harshly at all, but if you say it to yourself, it might help a little bit, not by making you feel bad or selfish, but just as a reminder that other people are blithely carrying on with their lives even though their words may affect you deeply.
This is a difficult thing. For some reason, I think about kinky men are their “vanilla” (for lack of a better term) partners/wives a lot. I don’t have a magic solution or I guess I’d write a book and make millions of dollars. But perhaps your wife can find aspects of the situation that she does find really sexy – things she can do or make you do that she wouldn’t have been able to do with a vanilla partner.
Meanwhile, it sounds like you have good communication, and that’s a really imporant thing. And I’ve rambled on way too long here 🙂
I know it’s been two years since you wrote this, but I wish I could give you a big hug. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your willingness to post this.