Descent into subdom

I am totally the alpha dog in my office. Granted, it is a relatively small office and I am an owner and all, but sometimes I find it dizzying to move from my role as supreme creature in one environment to my wanna-be guysub role in the other. The fact that I read the blogs and write this one often while in the office only makes it weirder. Yes, it’s nice to be the boss when you want to dick around on the web all day.

It makes me wonder about the difference between those subs who are subbie in all they do vs. the ones who are quite the opposite in other aspects of their life. The bloggers I most enjoy, on the male side, are those who appear to only be submissive when it comes to sex. But I really enjoy the dominant female bloggers. That’s one of the reasons I was sorry to read of the demise of A Place to Draw Blood Laughing, though I expect it’s less a demise and more a caterpillar cocoon phase thing. I’ve recently acquired a taste for the omnipresent Bitchy Jones (and really, who hasn’t?). But wait, I’m digressing.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. All-the-time subs vs. sexual subs. I think a big part of why I like being sexually submissive is because I’m so not all the rest of the time. It’s like taking off a heavy coat at the end of the day or something. And I think I’m really starting to get the hang of it. I find myself less and less obsessive over what Belle’s going to do or let me do. I accept that I can’t have my cake and eat it to. Either she’s calling the shots or she’s not. I do feel free to make requests, but I have no expectation that she’ll go along with them.

I also find myself wanting to more and more do things for her around the house. The past three days, I’ve totally handled the end of day stuff (dinner, clean-up, even picking up both the kids a couple of time). It’s not as though I never wanted to do things for her before, but now I find I want her to spend as much time as possible relaxing and less time doing all the things she would be “expected” to do based on her gender. I want to take more and more work from her and am feeling less and less selfish. I’m turning into a total stereotype! All I need now is the fucking maid’s dress and black pumps.

I suspect this new found desire to be her housemaid might be coming from a combination of being terribly horny and her recent ability to make me hurt. Like I said following the silent ice and clothespins episode, I woke up the next morning still feeling the subbie headspace lingering over me. Over the course of the week, as we’ve had sex and she’s hurt me more (like last night – two words: yay clothespins!) it’s remained. In fact, it’s strongest in the morning. The hornier I get and the more she hurts me, the more I want to make her happy in any way I can. It may not be PC to say this, but it feels like the penis-hating feminazi femdoms might be right about the salutary effects prolonged orgasm denial has in controlling the feral manbeast. At least for this feral manbeast.

I have spent a lot of time wondering if I’m thinking about this or feeling it “right”, as if there’s One True Way to sexually submit. That’s one of the big things I’ve learned in that past few months: there is no One True Way. This will feel for me the way it feels. I will not expect myself to be one way or another nor will I deny any feelings that arise along the way. It is the way it is. And the same goes for Belle. She will be what she is and feel what she feels and like what she likes and I will adjust and adapt and get the fuck over whatever doesn’t match my preconceptions. Note, I will continue to obsessively self-analyze, I just won’t get too hung up on what I find along the way. Anyway, that’s the plan.

What I’ve found this week is, when it works, it really works. I get all warm and fuzzy and happy and want to curl around and into her. I don’t expect we won’t still hit our share of bumps along the way, but the past several days have shown that this path is not wrong for us. I adore where we’re heading and she’s starting to unearth what she likes about it, too. What a difference from ten days ago.

5 Replies to “Descent into subdom”

  1. Thumper,
    I’m shocked! We have a PIC guy amongst us!
    I must agree though about the salutary effects prolonged orgasm denial.
    Nice rambling.

  2. “I think a big part of why I like being sexually submissive is because I’m so not all the rest of the time. It’s like taking off a heavy coat at the end of the day or something.”

    Yes. Excactly. It’s funny you should mention all the gender stereotypes in the next paragraphs because for me, as a woman, it’s to be expected that I would submit. But I am not submissive at all, on the contrary. I hate housework, I detest being held captive by my gender and the expectations I suffer for it. I’m driven, I’m fairly known in my field of expertise, I draw submissive men and I’m as competent as they get.

    And yet I want nothing more than to cuddle under my beautiful Wonderboy and him to strangle me and hit me and tell me he will only use me. Umm… But the dynamic between us is that I’m the go to person, I’m the socially outward person and handle most of the decision making. And he’s the Wall. I can trust him. I know he’s always behind me and my decisions. That’s the way it works for me. Because the dynamic is the opposite everywhere else I can let myself indulge in bed. I can let myself go even though I feel it enforces the gender stereotypes I vigorously fight outside the bedroom. I guess that’s what you were saying too.

    But. I’m kind of surprised to hear you say that it would be intrinsicly submissive to do the housework. I know you’ve talked about it *not* being all that for you. But where I’m from it’s expected that both parties do as much. It’s just egalitarian, it’s not submissive from either side. And yeah, picking up the kids a couple of times is not submissive if she’s still doing it most of the time.

    Ofcourse this is an old post I’m commenting and I probably read too much in to it anyway. I guess I’m just sensitive that way because of the expectations regarding my own gender and not fitting in them most of the time myself.

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