In the past few months Belle and I have fought just a handful of times. I attribute that to our having strengthened our relationship overall in the wake of my infidelity last year. Better communication, more intimacy, and frankly, less resentment towards each other has kept us from tripping on the small stuff. Now, apparently, we only fight about big stuff.
I have no idea when last night’s conversation turned the corner from a discussion of how we deal with my increased sexual interest vs. her non-interest to an all out screaming slugfest that, at one point, had her telling me to sleep downstairs. And it’s still so fresh and intense that I’m not sure I’ll be able fairly relate her point of view. I do know that the entire D/s framework that we’ve built around our relationship is barely standing this morning.
The evening started out great. We were laying in bed, making fun of the news and generally being wise asses with each other. Lots of laughing. Then, the TV and lights went off, she told me to get naked as usual, and I folded myself into her. For me, approaching two weeks without a proper orgasm, that kind of contact with her in that unclothed state makes me think of pretty much one thing. When she moved my hand to her breast, I took that as a positive sign. Apparently, though, she didn’t want sex and only wanted me to hold her. Most nights, she assumes her roll as Belle Fille and shuts Thumper down. Last night, she was my wife and I was (apparently) making her feel guilty for not giving me what I wanted. This initiated the conversation. I said I didn’t need sex from her every night, but that I did need to see some engagement by her in the power exchange dynamic. She said she felt inadequate to the task, didn’t want to always be playing the game, and worried that I was unhappy. Eventually, the conversation burrowed all the way back to the infidelity and her fear that somehow her denying me (to which, of course, I’m a party) would lead me back to the frame of mind that allowed the infidelity to occur. Then, at some point, there was yelling.
Of course, the whole D/s thing was totally shattered. I felt ridiculous as the only naked person in the room, doubly so with the stupid polycarbonate attached to my dick. I very nearly got up and removed it about a half dozen times, but I never did. Somehow, it was the last vestige of what we had built up and to remove it would signal a total collapse. I didn’t want it on me, but I wanted it off even less.
I suggested to Belle that perhaps this type of dynamic was inappropriate for us to play with. If she could tie it somehow to the years of issues that led to the infidelity – a position I can’t understand as I see the attention and commitment to our D/s as proof of how far we’ve come from that time – then it was either not the right thing for us in general or it was the wrong time for us to do it. If she’s going to have a hard time dealing with my perpetually high sexual needs, to the point of us having a screaming fight, then we needed to get rid of them.
I don’t know what all this means. I don’t know where we are now. I am completely taken aback by what happened as I was pretty happy with where we were immediately prior to the fight and had no idea it was coming. Further, I have no idea how I’ll feel if we pull the plug on our D/s experiment. We’ve invested so much into it. It’s become something of a compass for me. If it were to suddenly disappear, I fear we’d be adrift. At least temporarily.
Obviously, we need to talk.
Just my two cents here but… The D/s thing shouldn’t be a means to fix the relationship. I have no idea if that’s what’s it’s been for you guys or not, so don’t take this the wrong way if it isn’t… The D/s is sex. That’s it. In my opinion, anyway. And yes, sex is an important part of a relationship, but it isn’t the relationship. If it brings you guys closer together, then that’s good. But that makes it a tool maybe? Or a circumstance. But it’s still sex, and if there were issues that were not resolved following your previous problems, then they surely have not magically disappeared.
The other thing that struck me is her feeling she’s not up to the task. I’ve felt that way, with my Boy Toy. I still will, most probably. The danger in this is that I actually do things for him, because I’m afraid not being kinky or dominant will end up with him unhappy and dumping my ass. I’ve often worried about not doing “enough”. So it worried me to see you say “I need to see some engagement by her in the power exchange dynamic”. Need?
She might feel pressured into this, when it should be fun and games. That she called it a task makes it seem to me like she is seeing it as “work” (a feeling I sometimes get, too).
She needs to know that if she’s not feeling like playing, it’s OK. I think this is really important. Even if she doesn’t feel like it for weeks. Normal sex is good, too. That’s one thing Boy Toy does really well: he never let this feeling grow in me, that I *had* to do it. I talk about this somewhat, in this post.
Maybe you might want to make it about her for a while, see what SHE wants out of all this?
Anyway, I might be totally off, here. I’m only going with my own experience. So forgive me if anything I said crossed the line or something.
Absolutely not. I couldn’t agree more.
Again, agreed. The D/s dimension of our relationship is not related to the trauma it sustained except in that our exploration of it was only made possible by the increased communication and intimacy that followed. Unlike others you and I have seen on the web, our D/s and her control over my orgasms were not entered into in order to control my wandering eye or repair other, larger issues. It was made possible *because* we had worked on fixing those issues.
Yes, need. We all need things in our relationships. If Belle had locked up my cock and ignored me sexually, I would have considered that neglect. As the denial extends and my frustration intensifies, I find I need more attention. Not necessarily sex, but an indication that she has not forgotten me. In fact, a demonstration of “engagement” on her part. She probably thinks I need more of it than I should. That’s sort of the crux of our issue, actually.
It absolutely *should* be fun and games. I couldn’t agree more. Usually, it is. Sometimes, it becomes too serious. I have no idea why, yet.
I feel as though I am continually trying to capture that. I want her to enjoy all this, as well. I absolutely do *not* expect her to live up to some ideal in my head. I’m feel as though I’m way past that phase.
Far from it. I truly appreciate your perspective.
Why, thank you. You really answered very clearly to all the concerns I expressed.
I forgot I had read your post about how other men into this kinda turned you off. If I had remembered that, I wouldn’t have mentioned that the D/s shouldn’t be a means to fix a relationship.
Seems like you’ve really thought it thru and you sound like you are on top of things. I hope my impression is right, and wish you the best of luck.
Let us know that things got better, k? 😉
On top of things!? Oh, the irony! 😀
lol!
Oh how familiar this all sounds. Ive been there and done that so often! It does feel silly with the plastic on your knob, and you want and dont want to take it off. Luckily it passes, nothing like orgasm denial to get the horniness and submission back quickly. Sometimes too quickly!
I must admit a few times after our worst arguments I went and jacked off, out of anger more than anything else. Needless to say they werent especially pleasurable.
Good luck.
M
Dude! At the height of the argument, I had that very same thought! “I’m going take this fucking thing off and go jack off. Yeah, that’ll show you.” Glad the urge passed…
Haha, glad im not alone.. Course it wouldnt show them at all, but the thought makes sense at the time. Foolish emotions!
I may be coming from unexpected direction with my comment, but I have something significant to add. You said, “In the past few months Belle and I have fought just a handful of times. ” While this is admirable, I question the need to fight in the first place.
My wife and I used to fight just as you do. At some point I came to an understanding that yelling, accusations, name calling, throwing things, etc., may be theraputic for the moment, but are totally non-constructive. It took me to realize this and then stop doing it (actually, I have never thrown anything at her or call her names, but I did the other stuff). After that the fights were very one-sided. It is difficult for a person to fight when the other is not responding in a like manner.
I am not a pacifist. I will not simply turn the other cheek. Just that I don’t feel the need to respond in kind. I like to control my own behavior. On the long run, and it has been several years, we don’t fight. We discuss problems and do something about them. She is more emotional, and sometimes loses her composure, but I don’t add fuel to her fire. At the end we are happy.
You have often said that you feel that giving your cock to Belle at least partly required her to be more engaged in your mutual sex-life. But if one of your conflicts is different levels of interest in sex in general, perhaps this makes her feel that she is now required to engage when she isn’t interested.
How much time do the pair of you spend figuring out what will make HER happy, not just what will make YOU happy? Because if her thoughts about OD are that it gets her out of having to deal with your sex drive by locking it up-and you like it when she does so is a perk, then any time she feels like this is work or all about you then there will be conflict.
And the whole trick of refusing to fight works really well. Despite what we’ve been told about venting, getting angry all the time just leads to feeling more anger in general. It is very satisfying to get loud and aim to hurt, and it often seems that a forceful enough expression of our feelings will convince that other person of our views, but it doesn’t work out like that very often.
Best of luck!