Tuesday night, we talked about my continuing funk. Long story short, I no longer felt denied as much as I felt absence. I had come to the point where I wasn’t horny anymore. Even though we had had a few sexual encounters, we both knew my orgasm wasn’t an option, and the in-between time felt like sexual vacuum. Our not-quite-sex sessions (those in which I get hard and horny, and maybe she abuses me a little, but ultimately nothing happens) weren’t occurring since I was not allowed to touch her in that way without her permission. Those sessions are vital, I believe, in maintaining my arousal and frustration in between opportunities to pleasure her. I wasn’t coming, I wasn’t even getting really turned on, so my sex drive kind of curled up and went to sleep. That was my theory, anyway.
In order to help aleve that problem, she said I could start touching her any way I liked again. Wednesday night, I was going to touch the living fuck out of her. Groping, kissing, squeezing, licking – anything and everything she’d let me get away with before pouring the ice water of her feminine control over me and forcing me to stuff it all away. We even texted each other about it during the day. It was going to be fun. Finally, a little action just for me. And yes, even in a D/s arrangement, everyone needs a little something just for them. So the kids were all sleeping, the candles were all lit, and the iPod was making pleasant sounds when I made my move.
Then we had another talk. Turns out, she’s kinda over the whole D/s paradigm at the moment. She’s been very busy at her job working on a big project and said she feels like she’s drifting down a river and all the things she needs to do are little piranha taking bites out of her. Her “responsibilities” as the D were among those piranha. All she wanted was for things to go back to normal for a while. No having to worry about when I’m going to come or be locked up or what the Covenant says or any of that crap. Straight, vanilla relationship. At least for a bit.
She really didn’t think that little bombshell would ruin the moment. Seriously. More than anything else, I understand that least of all. God knows, these things happen. At any other moment in any other setting, we could have reasoned through it. I do understand where she’s coming from. But, at the very moment she laid this on me, I was naked, hard, wearing the big steel cock ring, and had her nipple between my fingertips. After, I was quiet, introspective, felt untethered, and was once again uninterested in sex.
I don’t think Belle understands how much our D/s has impacted me. My entire approach to sex and sexual gratification has been rewritten. To simply turn all that off and go back to the old days just isn’t something I can do on command. I could do it situationally. That is, if she integrated it into the D/s dynamic and, in effect, ordered me to behave the way she wanted. But instead, she pulled the plug. Thinking back, she may have actually pulled it over a week ago. It’s hard to say, but the funk I’ve been in could just as easily been caused by her undeclared decision to pull back from the D/s (whether or not that was even done consciously on her part). I wanted to make it my problem, but it could have been mutual. I don’t know. Not that it much matters at this point.
This morning, I masturbated to orgasm. It did not feel good, I didn’t enjoy it, and I wasn’t especially interested in having an orgasm. But I did it just the same. And now I feel terrible. Why? I’m no longer bound by the Covenant. She’s not interested in controlling my emissions. For the time being, I’m just as free as any other wanker in the world. All that’s true, but in fact, that act was my response to her decision from the previous night. It was probably rash and really not necessary, but it was the only way I could tease out a little show of control in a situation I really have no control over. So now the guy interested in being controlled by his wife is trying to find ways of fighting his lack of control? WTF?
My plan at this point is to stop talking about it. I know how to be her “normal” husband, so that’s what I’ll be. I really just want to move past this. If I’m something else in the future, that’s up to her. It could be a day, week, month or never. But I can’t make her do something she’s not interested in and, honestly, I wouldn’t want it that way even if I could.
Regarding this blog, what is the point of writing about Thumper if he’s not being denied? Good question. There seems to be a lot of this kind of talk going around lately. I guess we’ll have to see if I’m capable of forming coherent thoughts around what’s in my head or if I even feel the need to write them down if I do.
Sorry to hear things are rough.
But honestly I’m thinking if she likes putting hot massage salve all over your balls, she’ll probably be back.
In my case not talking about D/s at all during the hiatus was a definite winner. The responsibility to talk to me would have just been another on the list of pressures she was feeling at the time.
I think that no matter how much we try to think that taking on a dominant role could be liberating and relaxing, our wives are good enough people to realize that “with great power comes great responsibility!” and sometimes, they just don’t want it.
Anyway if my experience is anything to go by, things can pick up, and it’s not too hard to get back into the swing of things.
Salut,
Steve.
I agree with Steve.
And I think I can sort of relate to your wife. Have you read my several posts about D/s and whether or not Boy Toy and I are in it 24/7? The idea of D/s being on all the time is pretty scary, to me. It would feel like an obligation, maybe because, as Steve says, there is a certain responsibility that comes with power.
D/s wasn’t my idea in the first place, but like Belle, I haven’t run from it. I was intrigued, and playful enough to try it. It was fun. But it can also feel like… work, almost. I sometimes feel the pressure to “perform” for Boy Toy and if he acts uninterested for a while, I find myself wondering if I’ve been dominant enough, if I give him enough rules or whatnot. And if, on top of that, I’m stressed with, say, my job? Well it doesn’t feel that great and I might not be in the mood to whip my boy into submission.
But it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care about him or I’m uninterested. I would like to think that we are more than the D/s. Well, I know we are. We do good even when we’re just being vanilla. And it’s ok! As long as I feel this way, that I can take a little break, that I’m not pressured into it, and that I don’t feel that Boy Toy somehow resents me or loves me less for this, then D/s keeps on being interesting for me and I’ll go back to it.
I think if you give her your understanding in this, I mean your real understanding… that you don’t let this discourage you or bring you down… Well all the better for you guys. She’ll feel more comfortable and happy going back to D/s later.
I guess my point is, it can’t be D/s all the time. I just don’t think it can. Maybe it’s just how men and women are wired differently?
And I do think D/s impacts Boy Toy differently than it impacts me, for what it’s worth.
Anyway, that’s just me. No one’s the same and I could be totally off, here 😉
Oh and I’d love to read you even if there’s no denying going on. Hope you feel better with all this soon.
Don’t Panic. I’ve seen and read of similar happenings many times. It doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t get there in the end. I’m impressed with how much Belle has done and how far she has gone with this. Actually I think what you have both achieved so far is impressive. If she needs a break, she needs a break.
I enjoy reading your blog so obviously I hope that you keep writing, always providing that doing so is the right thing for you, Belle, and your relationship.
Regards,
Michael.
BTW I love your blog!
I agree with what others have said – don’t worry (too much) that this is the end of all the good sexy stuff.
D/s is work, and even as a quite kinky person I have had to really learn how to balance it with the rest of life. Really, what I’ve had to learn is how to make it something that I can put energy into (when I have energy to give), and use as a way of relaxing and being taken care of, when I don’t. It’s not that I switch back and forth between two modes, but rather that I just think of what I can give and get and choose on every occasion what to do.
Try to be a good friend to your wife, and a good lover for her when she wants that, and trust that this topic will be able to come up again (whichever of you brings it up) once she is feeling less stressed. Do whatever you can not to push – you don’t want d/s to feel like the hotel california (where once you check in you can never leave). You want it to feel like a fun, interesting, relatively low-risk place to visit.
I’m sure you know all of this already – I’m just trying to encourage you.
I am not a d/s person but reading this I wondered– is the only way you feel submission is if she is teasing and denying you? Because, as a toppy woman myself with loads of real life responsibilities, I can imagine that becoming a bit of a chore and challenge trying to manage someone’s submission if it only had one cause (that being the orgasm denial).
I have thought of commenting on this post about three or four times and still remain hesitant about commenting because I am afraid I will seem insensitive. i do not mean to be.
I personally do not want a d/s relationship but if I did, I would want the person’s submission to come from a place of actual desire to serve and support me, not from me having to manage his orgasms. If I had to be concerned that his submission was based on my management of his pleasure (or denial of) I would feel like perhaps I was actually the bottom in the equation.
I am not saying this is what you all are doing, but I am saying this has been my personal experience with a man (once) in chastity. I found his particular needs for his submission were ONLY surrounding his chastity and tending to him and managing that while in chastity was not fun at all after awhile. I am sure I was a disappointment to him, but I found the exchange difficult. I couldn’t figure out what was in it for me. Perhaps I just wasn’t approaching it right.
Then again, watching men come is a great, great pleasure of mine.
If your wife is feeling as if her life is so busy and full of responsibilities that she is overwhelmed enough to feel less sexual (which in my experience is what happens to me), may I suggest that you offer to provide some different submission in terms of helping her more in the way she may need?
Perhaps you have done this and I apologize if I’ve missed something, but maybe your submission to her would make her happy if she knew you were willing to subordinate your own chastity desires to her need for domestic and marital support.
That would in some ways be a kind of meta-denying if you could think of it that way.
I do of course understand that chastity and denial is something that really affects you deeply and can’t be substituted for. Much like people who need and desire spanking or lots of pain, miss that if things become vanilla. So I do understand you have needs.
if you give your wife the space and adjustments she needs, perhaps you both can find a way to come back to the denial in a way in which she feels less overwhelmed.
I do wish you luck because it sounds very frustrating. I hope both of you find your way back to the play you both find enjoyable.