Morning angst

Belle had a business dinner at what’s probably her favorite restaurant last night. While she was dining, I dragged the kids off to Target to stock up for our Memorial Day weekend trip north then did my best to haul all the crap into the house and get it put away. Oh, and did I mention it’s in the high 90’s here? Flippin’ hot.

Anyway, I was laying in bed after getting both kids down for the night panting for the wrong reason and watching the Daily Show when Belle got home. She got into her jammies and plopped down next to me and immediately closed her eyes. I, of course, was hoping for some kind of interaction with her since I hadn’t seen her all day, hadn’t come in three weeks, etc. She did tell me to strip which I appreciated since it was so damned hot.

So there I am, naked except for the CB6K, laying next to her, both of us above the sheets due to the heat. I’m still somewhat self-conscious when totally exposed in the device and being in that state automatically drops into a subbie mentality. But, as soon as Stewart was done, she rolled over to go to sleep. I got nothing – no talking, no touching, hardly any attention at all, really. She wanted me to spoon into her, but it was too hot. That, and I was feeling sorry for myself.

Figuring out how to deal with the feelings of disappointment – even touches of resentment – is something I really need to do. I’m better than I used to be, but far from where I feel I need to be. I hate that I still have expectations with regard to her attention. If I was being true to my stated goals, I’d stop doing that. The constant craving for her interaction with her should be rerouted into more productive avenues. It’s OK to crave her, but not to expect anything from her. But it’s getting harder (pardon the pun) every day now. The incline of my denial is getting steeper and steeper.

And yet, I fear my own eventual orgasm. I don’t want to lose the way I feel right now. I like how denial keeps me focused on her and I don’t want to wait the week to ten days needed to build back to this point. No, I don’t want my feelings to get so strong that they become an impediment, but at the same time, losing them is also an impediment. I’d really like to find a way to skate the seam between overwhelming frustration and satisfied apathy.

Anyway, there you go. A piping hot heap of angst to accompany your morning coffee.

7 thoughts on “Morning angst

  1. Ya know, making the focus of your sex life all about her and finding ways of shifting your sexual tension into things like housework and foot rubs is all well and good, but it sounds like lately Belle has been using this as an excuse to just ignore you-not just to deny you sexual contact, but to ignore you as the person she’s sleeping with. If you weren’t locked in, and Belle behaved as you describe you would feel insulted.
    These recent encounters don’t feel very sexy-they feel rude.
    You may want to see if there’s something else going on with her.

  2. I think a couple of things about this.

    First, you have to keep in mind our vastly different appetites for sexual contact. Even under normal circumstances, I’d want sex five times more often than her. Now, we’ll have some kind of sexual encounter maybe three times a week, but I want one all the time. Twice a day, every day might be enough, though I doubt it. And even at three times a week, we’re doing it literally 20 times more often than before we transformed our relationship.

    Second, only a tiny fraction of our life together gets retold here. She’s a very caring, affectionate mate who, even though she has become more comfortable using and “abusing” me, remains very sweet. I have no complaints.

    Third, we’re both still developing with regard to this relatively new dynamic we’ve put ourselves in. She’s experimenting with different approaches in dealing with me and my amplified arousal. I actually vastly prefer her indifference in the face of my desire to her being apologetic or feeling guilty for not putting out. We are still no different than most married couples, except she has a permanent “get out a guilt, free” card when she’s not in the mood.

    I do understand how you’re able to draw the conclusion you have, but I think it’s due to seeing our relationship through the myopic lens of this blog.

  3. Thumper:

    You know the problem with impulse control? (I guess you do; that little thing around your privates may have some educational valve.)

    Well another problem is that you tease people who you really don’t know. Boy, am I going to tease you. (In good faith and with no malicious intent I promise, I really do, no fingers crossed).

    Good for Belle and…

    “If I was being true to my stated goals” and may I quote…”My desire for sexual gratification becomes a desire for her sexual gratification.” Or “So, all that being said, I love how it feels to be dominated by Belle.” And “In any event, I found my entire attitude changed. I’m still going through the motions of the FLR lifestyle (laundry, cleaning, dishes, cooking, etc.) but I’m not getting anything out of it. In fact, it’s kind of pissing me off.” Lastly “but I reiterated that sex is for her, not me. Whatever she wants, she gets. What I want should be immaterial. Honesty, there’s no other way for me to operate when I’m this horny. That’s the one huge lesson I’ve learned in the past few months.”

    Locked since 5/4/09
    Last orgasm: 4/26/09

    Is the laundry done? And what about the …

    A submissive dominant at angst and the battle rages. Good Luck

    Sincerely

    gat1207

    PS. Just wait until she makes you sleep on the side of the bed with just a short sheet.

    On a more constructive note.

    As men, I presume in the western world, we have been raised to be in charge, to maintain control and at least in my household the final say on, well everything. Many times we wish to give up that power, that responsibility and we shrink and look for ways to relieve ourselves from that ultimate responsibility.

    I have read, I no longer know if the current research shows, that men in powerful positions like D/s relationships, and at one time that was a comfort to me. By believing in that theory I maintained my power and thus my masculinity all the while asking my then wife if I could or would she please. To overcome socialization deeply engrained is, for lack of a better word, hard.

    I put forward thus your conflict. You like being in full lust with your wife, I would guess love and friendship also, but as a man am I still the ultimate authority. Of course you are and yes it hurts when we give the power and they actually use it the way they want to. But there is the fun. That is the power exchange. I have yet to meet a woman who will use power the way a man does. It seems that you can give them the full range of your imagination and such enough she will think of something that never crossed your mind (in my experience it seems like it is always something non-sexual; I offer to do all the housecleaning half naked and in a humbler and she picks taking the kids to the movies). All I can tell you is that women are much more practical and FLR is damm hard.

  4. Gender generalizations – ugh.

    Thumper, it sounds like you two are doing great to me. As I wrote you privately (and am repeating here for the historical record), I don’t think your blog makes Belle sound neglectful or like she is taking you for granted at all. Joscelin and I have no kids and one job each and we barely manage to have sex once a week – it’s not surprising that it’s not always possible to get everything you want, especially when your “want” is being artificially enhanced by chastity.

    Fun fun.

  5. Joscelin and I have no kids and one job each and we barely manage to have sex once a week

    Damn, is that what I’ve got to look forward to?

    Oh wait – you’re younger than I am,

    Dang.

    Thumpy, we go through the same thing around here. It’s all hot and heavy for a few weeks, and then there’s a month of barely brushing against each other in the shower.

    Thing is, if you feel a little neglected because of the sexual frustration, then you should let her know – never mind about sounding like you’re whining. Acknowledge that things are hard difficult for you , and that you’re still moving along, but you just need to sound off. Because if you don’t acknowledge it, then after a while it will feel like neglect, which really isn’t what you’re wanting.

  6. I have experienced the feeling that you convey by saying, “… And yet, I fear my own eventual orgasm. I don’t want to lose the way I feel right now. I like how denial keeps me focused on her and I don’t want to wait the week to ten days needed to build back to this point…”

    Yet, from time to time, I say, “what the hell”. And afterward, within an hour, all is well, and I serve my wife as ardently as before.

    The bottom line is “what your needs are with respect to the relationship”. If you are willing to serve her in any and all ways, no matter what you miss for the rest of your life, then by all means do nothing except what she tells you to do. Just don’t blame her five, ten, or fifteen years from now for not having given you what you expected.

    Please don’t assume that I am critical of you or her. I am a realist, and I know where life is leading me, although I tend to ignore the signs myself from time to time. What you lose today, you will never regain. Try to make the best of it.

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