Belle had a business dinner at what’s probably her favorite restaurant last night. While she was dining, I dragged the kids off to Target to stock up for our Memorial Day weekend trip north then did my best to haul all the crap into the house and get it put away. Oh, and did I mention it’s in the high 90’s here? Flippin’ hot.
Anyway, I was laying in bed after getting both kids down for the night panting for the wrong reason and watching the Daily Show when Belle got home. She got into her jammies and plopped down next to me and immediately closed her eyes. I, of course, was hoping for some kind of interaction with her since I hadn’t seen her all day, hadn’t come in three weeks, etc. She did tell me to strip which I appreciated since it was so damned hot.
So there I am, naked except for the CB6K, laying next to her, both of us above the sheets due to the heat. I’m still somewhat self-conscious when totally exposed in the device and being in that state automatically drops into a subbie mentality. But, as soon as Stewart was done, she rolled over to go to sleep. I got nothing – no talking, no touching, hardly any attention at all, really. She wanted me to spoon into her, but it was too hot. That, and I was feeling sorry for myself.
Figuring out how to deal with the feelings of disappointment – even touches of resentment – is something I really need to do. I’m better than I used to be, but far from where I feel I need to be. I hate that I still have expectations with regard to her attention. If I was being true to my stated goals, I’d stop doing that. The constant craving for her interaction with her should be rerouted into more productive avenues. It’s OK to crave her, but not to expect anything from her. But it’s getting harder (pardon the pun) every day now. The incline of my denial is getting steeper and steeper.
And yet, I fear my own eventual orgasm. I don’t want to lose the way I feel right now. I like how denial keeps me focused on her and I don’t want to wait the week to ten days needed to build back to this point. No, I don’t want my feelings to get so strong that they become an impediment, but at the same time, losing them is also an impediment. I’d really like to find a way to skate the seam between overwhelming frustration and satisfied apathy.
Anyway, there you go. A piping hot heap of angst to accompany your morning coffee.