This is my 18th day since I last came, but, more importantly, it’s the fifth day since I was last able to give Belle an orgasm. It’s starting to get to me. Her release is my release and when I’m not able to achieve that I start to get squirrelly. Just as our yellow sun provides Superman his powers, contact with Belle’s flesh and exposure to her pleasure keeps my submission on the side of truth, justice, and the American Way. Absent that, and it’s Bizzaro Superman: dark, imperfect, wrong.
Complicating my feelings today is a rather large fight we had on Tuesday night. We hardly ever fight anymore. I think this is at least partly because my ego is less of an issue when I’m in the subby mindset. However, I can still get pissed, as I did Tuesday.
It started with a conversation about the dildo/harness thing again and she, yet again, expressed no interest in it. I tried to lobby for it the best I could, but she finally pulled the Dominant card. Is she not in control of when, where, and how we have sex? Yes, of course. OK, then. I promise never to bring it up again. I’m sorry.
But she wouldn’t drop it. She accused me of wanting to introduce it to our stable of toys primarily for my pleasure. In fact, that’s entirely untrue. Yes, there’s a part of me that really gets off on the idea of fucking her while not fucking her – of replacing my meat with something else – but the primary reason I want it is because I know how much she enjoys the act of being fucked by me. And yeah, I like fucking her. But, when I’m being denied, the act leaves me an emotional wreck. Nine times out of ten, I come (especially if it’s been a while). I do nothing but obsess and worry while it’s happening and, afterward, I really and truly feel like shit. So, yes, I would get something out of it (submissive charge from being “replaced”, freedom from orgasm angst while pleasuring her), but she would also get something out of it (enjoying a good fuck more often, enjoying a phallus engineered to give her pleasure). But she insisted I was not telling her the truth. That I was trying to spin this as a plus for her when, in fact, I was thinking more about myself. That pissed me off.
Then, of course, there was the other thing. Even though I’ve written about how I really never want to experience true sexual satisfaction again – that is, I never want to come so much that I lose my constant desire to come some more – I’m not sure she really believes it. So I was pouring my soul out about this significant change in me and my approach to my sexuality, really trying to make her understand how profound I find this realization – when, at the end of my little oratory, I found she had fallen asleep. Yes, it was 10ish, yes, the candles were glowing, yes, we were laying in bed and, of course, she had consumed her fair share of the wine, but come on! She fell asleep on me. While I was emoting.
Poof. Any and all subspace totally evaporated. That left me a pissed off, horny, locked-up dude (if not for the device, I’m sure I would have rubbed one out right then). I blew out the candles and put on some clothes (sorry, did I not mention I was naked through this whole exchange?). She woke up, tried to pretend she hadn’t fallen asleep, and then the fight part started. She was pissed at me for being pissed at her for falling asleep. I thought that was total bullshit and told her as much. Evidence of the bunny was nowhere to be found. So, we yelled at each other for a few minutes before finally settling in to talk some more.
Bottom line for her was two things. One, she felt sex had taken over our relationship. I told her, IMO, sex was our relationship. I’m a guy. Guys need sex. We equate sex with love and connection, etc. This had been covered at length in our counseling. If she thought I was placing too much emphasis on it, that’s fine, but, as far as I am concerned, we have just enough sex in our relationship right now. If she ever thought I was making too big a deal over it, she was entirely within her rights to tell me to back off. In fact, she could even do so within the construct of our dynamic and still give me a form of what I was looking for.
Second thing for her was her continued insecurity with regard to her role in our dynamic and the potential that she was not living up to all the things I wanted from a dominant partner. She was afraid of disappointing me. I told her I fully expected her to disappoint me. I totally accept that nobody could be the perfect dominant I have in my head. In fact, I’m not even sure what that ideal would look like. Disappointment in any relationship is par for the course and unavoidable. All I want from her is to be as comfortable as possible with herself and let the rest happen as it will. In fact, I am, as I have said here multiple times, over-the-moon happy with her and our relationship. I am happier now than I have ever been with anyone, even her for the first 10 years of our marriage. I have shared things with her and done things with her I never though I would do with anyone. I could not be more satisfied with her or where we are as a couple. Except for this gnawing insecurity on her part. I worry that she’s only going through the motions to make me happy. That she really doesn’t want to live this way or do these things. She says that’s not true. She says she likes where we are and likes to keep me locked-up and all that. I believe her, but struggle to make her understand that, more than the ideal dominant partner, I need a confident partner and that she has every right to feel confident in her role right now. She rocks. She’s amazing. She is so, so good for me. I say it all the time (or, at least, I feel as though I do), but her doubt and insecurity lingers.
I told her last night that really, truly, this is what I want. I want the denial. I want the control. I want to live with the constant sexual frustration. I want the basic unfairness of the arrangement. Really. I will never, ever hold it against her. It’s how I want to be. All she has to do now is believe it.