I admit right up front, I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about here. See, over the past ten months or so, as it’s become more and more clear that I have a side of me that is this odd creature called a “submissive male”, I have thrashed about trying to find a construct under which to operate. Some kind of framework assembled by those who have come before me to help me find The One True Way I will find happiness with my otherwise vanilla wife.

The web is terrific for this kind of thing. Well, I should say, it’s terrific at disseminating and echoing the prevailing thought. As has been pointed out recently by Ranat1, according to the web, there appears to be two One True Ways to be submissive and male at the same time:

  • The he-slime, boot-licking, worm fodder kind of malesub
  • The Arthurian knight-in-shining-armor kind of malesub

Neither of these things work for me so much. For one, I have simply too high a regard for myself to follow the he-slime model (for more than 45 minutes or so, that is) and the whole “good knight and m’lady” thing just seems kinda like it stems from those frustrated that their days in high school drama class are too far behind them. And, of course, at the end of the day it’s still just me and Belle, the two who have been married almost 12 years (11 of which occurred before my descent into depravity).

What’s become clear to me (and what Ranat’s post and the subsequent conversation about it have helped along for me) is that there is this other way. In fact, there are lots and lots of other ways. In fact, the best and most successful way is the other way. That is, everyone’s unique and they’re partnered with equally unique people. In some cases, there’s a huge overlap between what they’re capable of doing within their relationship and the prevailing paradigms, but in others, there’s less. Some poor bastards never figure that out. They look around, see guys in chastity belts and French maid outfits, and assume that that’s the way they need to express their need to submit to a strong woman. Unfortunately, the poor mate in this scenario a) may not be strong or much interested in pretending to be, and/or b) may not really want to live with a chastity-wearing male French maid since, you know, she’s probably attracted to virile men since that’s what she paired off with. These guys are doomed to failure. Years and years of failure.

Why? Because they define the way success looks based on their perspective (which, in turn, is formed by this fucked up, limited, web-propagated crap). There might be a way forward, but it sure as fuck doesn’t look like anything on the web. The measure of success Belle and I have enjoyed stems from being authentically who we are and not who others are or think we should be. In fact, we are the Borg. We (mostly I) troll the web looking at all the options, reading the perspectives, picking and choosing those that look like they might fit, trying them on, keeping some, discarding others (most). What we have created (and continue to create) is something wholly unique to us because we are unique people. It works for both of us, not just me and not just her. A lot of guys (and even me, sometimes) forget that there’s this whole other person in the relationship with their own turn-ons and fantasies and potential kinks who needs to be just as authentic as they do. IF they’re successful after the kink is introduced, it will only be because they are both being themselves, not because she finally clicks into one of the limited precast roles he’s trying to define for her.

As I said above, I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about. Some bloggers are really good talking about the Big Picture. I have been relegated to quite happily making the kinds of posts Steve called the “progress” type, as though my relationship were a train stopping at well-known femdom stations before we “got there”. Truth is, I’m still way too early in this to really know where that station is or what track will get us there (or even to know when we’ve arrived). I’m the reporter who says what happened to who at what time and in what way. I leave the why’s and what it all means to others. At least for now.

1 I’ve linked to that post now, like, 56 times which, from all the pingbacks it’s created, makes me look like I’m desperate for attention which, of course, I am but I don’t particularly enjoy looking that way and, in this case, is overstated. In any event, go read it and all the comments, because it’s some of the best intercourse on the subject I’ve seen in all the time I’ve been looking for such things (and yes, I said “intercourse”).

7 Replies to “Authenticity”

  1. I was really with you until you said, “We are the Borg,” and then I got squicked. I think of you guys mentally as pretty hot, but I don’t have the hots for Borg(s) in general, so, nevermind.

  2. Hah! Borg.

    “What we have created (and continue to create) is something wholly unique to us because we are unique people. It works for both of us, not just me and not just her.”

    This is exactly the realization I had a few weeks ago. Obvious as it may seem now, I realized I want my sexual expression to be what I create with a partner(s) not what I do out of desperation for any kind of expression at all. We could use a paradigm if we wanted, or we could go through some unknown windy path, or both. And maybe it’s really just prosaic, but that is so cool. We get to make it. Ourselves. How awesome is that?

    Also in the current culture scary and challenging. And sometimes slow. But amazing.

  3. We (Jos and I) definitely don’t get anything out of either the he-slime/french maid or the knight to m’lady models. (I love how you put that, btw.) I guess if I have a crazy mental model that we’re not living up (down?) to, it’s more like that I’m a rich person who owns a slave I can take out and beat whenever I want. And that’s not what our relationship is like either, but it’s kind of where my fantasies run, I guess.

  4. I find that it’s best to just admit up front that you’re an attention whore and get it out of the way.

    I was just saying… someplace in all this mess… I do not self-identify as submissive, although I do identify as a bottom who switches. Interestingly, Mrs. Edge does not self-identify as kinky at all. She tends to think of herself as a vanilla woman with a control streak.

  5. Some of us who talk about the Big Picture learn a lot from the other folks who rarely mention it. It takes all types…which I guess is the same point you’ve made in this post. 😉

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