BLOG WARZ: Bring on the hurt!

Over on Devastating Yet Inconsequential, Dev replied to yesterday’s post with one of her own. In the interest of full disclosure, I need to say I knew beforehand that she was doing it. In fact, I encouraged her to write it. It wasn’t like she took it upon herself to lay into me and Belle and our hamhanded attempt at a scene or anything. I thought the points she raised were worth further exploration. In talking about it, though, I thought it would be fun to create some kind of blog war in which we post ever-escalating vitriol at one another if only to drive traffic up on our blogs. That’s me. Always marketing.

Needless to say, since I totally just spilled the beans, I chickened out.

In any event, I have to say I find myself in basic agreement with Dev’s four points of what we did wrong. I’ll just use this space to help provide some texture to our POV.

  1. I should have told Belle beforehand that I wasn’t up to being beaten – Yes. Of course. However, I’m a simple creature who really wanted to have a nice time being abused and common sense did not intervene. I hoped against hope that I’d be able to pull myself together and enjoy it once we got going, but that was obviously a bad idea.
  2. Springing the punishment angle on me was bad form – In retrospect, that’s obvious now. I do give Belle props for thinking outside the box and trying something that, on the surface, sounded like something I’d like. In her defense, I probably would have done it, too. We’re both still pretty new at this stuff. On the plus side, we did figure out the parameters around which she could punish me which I think is a positive development.
  3. I should have safe-worded – Again, yes. Totally. I didn’t because I was too proud. I have a hard time admitting she took me to a place that was more than I could handle. Next time, I’ll know better.
  4. She should have provided after care – I’ll chalk this one up to inexperience, too. Plus, I’m not sure she appreciated how really fucked up I was (see point number 1). Also, I think she was trying to maintain her end of the dynamic in an attempt to salvage the evening. I admit, it was all a disaster.

As I told Dev already, the important thing is we learned from this experience. Also, that we’ve become confident enough that we were able to get over it relatively quickly and didn’t instead dwell on our shared suckage for a week or two. Had this happened early on, it would have been devastating. Everyone, I assume, goes through this kind of shit as they learn to navigate the minefield of BDSM (at least, everyone who isn’t doing so with a grizzled veteran).

Let our screw-ups be your guide!

6 thoughts on “BLOG WARZ: Bring on the hurt!

  1. It was all pretty innocent and understandable mistakes. Been there, done that.

    (Sorry. I too am failing at my end of the Great Blog War of ’09.)

  2. Hey, even vanilla dates can go horribly wrong when the people involved aren’t communicating well. You had a bad date, you talked some, you’re moving on to the next thing. It’s good to see that kinky sex can have an off night too-for all those folks who read along and want to know what they might be getting themselves into and so on.
    And doesn’t this represent a better level of communication than (or then?) you had previously?
    But both you and Dev really suck at being mean and rude and vitriolic.

    1. In my experience so far, kinky sex is only about 10 times more complicated than vanilla (which itself does not always come as naturally as you’d think for all!).

      I don’t mind making mistakes, but I really hate making them more than once.

  3. I’ve been baking professionally for over 2 decades and I still get burns.
    I guess I was thinking that you don’t need to blame the kink for this-no need to get into the whole angst about how “she’s only doing this for me!”. What getting kink right requires is being that much more mindful and attentive to your partner, and because it’s so taboo to discuss “weird” sex there are no templates. At least people trying vanilla sex can read a romance or watch a comedy and get to see what’s supposed to happen. Kinky people have to go looking for whatever they can find, and until recently that wasn’t much. (See what a force for good you blog can be!)
    Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar-you didn’t want what you thought you ought to, you tried to make it go, and when it didn’t you said stop. As you said, this would have been much harder on both of you if it had happened earlier in this phase of your sex lives, so it wasn’t quite the same mistake.
    And I would second another commenter-the tiny type and color scheme make this hard for me to read, especially the comments.

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