I have a lot of conflicting thoughts right now.
Last night and tonight, Belle was out after work and not home until late. Yesterday, it was supposed to be just a quick thing, over at six, but she didn’t get home until after 10:00. She was tired and quickly went to sleep. Tonight, she was out again at a work dinner, got home after ten, and was quickly asleep. Both nights, I whiled away the hours between being Mr. Mom and the time she got home perusing blogs, reading porn, etc. Both nights, but especially tonight, I was expectational of some kind of sexual contact. I’ll be out of town tomorrow and Saturday night meaning tonight was the last chance we’ll have to have sex until Sunday night. However, both nights, nothing. At least tonight, she remembered to let me sleep naked.
I know, I know, I know. This is the deal. She gets to be the one to decide. But fuck, it’s hard. It’s hard because all I can think about now is sex. It’s hard because I’m still all locked up and Sunday will be one month without an orgasm. It’s hard, because when the cock’s trying to be erect and stuffing the device full, my nuts feel twice their normal size and I’m left absently stroking the hard plastic tube like it’ll lead to something. I’ve never been here before. On the one hand, I want to be the denied, chastised husband. The one who’s always horny and has no sexual power, but on the other, she just kinda fell asleep here two nights in a row. I know I’m not going to come (or even get out). I’m not asking for that. But I’m so, so desperate for her. I need to feel her or, alternately, at least hear her acknowledge my condition. But to just roll over and say goodnight? That’s fucking hard.
And, like I said, I’m full of confliction. As I write these words, I can see in them the appeal they’d have for a purportedly submissive male such as myself. They’re filled with frustration and inequity and reading them is like pouring lighter fluid on a fire. Outside the envelope of expectation, with my brain operating somewhat more clearly, the disappointment feeds my submission. I can actually feel warm waves of it wash up my spine with each throb of my heart. I’m locked, utterly denied, powerless. Like, really. In the past, I’d be angry. I do admit that for a few seconds, I was a little mad with her tonight, but it didn’t last long and I’m not angry now. Instead, I feel like my masculine prerogative is being popped like a stepped-on cherry. But it’s not going quietly.
My reaction tonight was very different than one I’d have had 3-6 months ago. How will I react in six more months? And how does the denial factor into this? Am I being made more docile through her control of my orgasm? Or am I really this submissive? I don’t have the answers to those questions, but I do know this: submission and denial is hard.
thumper – i think you’re ‘getting it’. Your post sums up what it is to realize that the control has swung over to Her, and the reality of that. In your previous post you describe how She said She liked keeping you locked up; that made me say ‘uh-oh’ on your behalf. you’re about to find out what it’s like to live denial 24/7 while Belle charts the course for both of Y/you.
For me, the status is crystallized in the moment She comes noisily while Her property – in its xxx week of lockup – swells painfully in its tube. One thing that helps is refraining from looking at J-O material. It only makes things more difficult. Let your frustration be the fuel that spurs you to serve Her as She would like.
I think the thing that made the past few nights so hard was that it didn’t feel like she was “charting a course”. It felt like she was just kinda drifting, not really putting her hand on the rudder. I know that this is totally natural and this kind of “non-controlling control” is just another form of how the power transfer will play out, but it’s the hardest of all since it’s so passive.
Yeah, yeah. I know. I really shouldn’t. But until she says I can’t do it anymore, I know I’ll be back like a bee to honey…
Well, being denied wouldn’t hold any charge if you weren’t feeling denied. If you had no interest Belle wanting you sexually then her just going to sleep wouldn’t matter to you. You need her acknowledgment of your state of mind as much or than you need the plastic tube.
Again, while you do sound like you’re very happy having Belle control your sex life, it also sounds like a big part of this power shift was done as a way to get her to have to pay attention to you sexually in ways she hadn’t in the past. So when she fails to do so you’re dumped right back to where you were when you started-wanting something she isn’t giving you and not knowing how to get it. Now you’ve agreed to lock your attention on her (as it were) and in doing so you’ve become tightly focused on her. But she still seems to be less invested in paying attention to you in a way that makes you feel reciprocated. It sounds like that dynamic would exist with or without the denial, etc. It may be a part of becoming as submissive as you want to be, and may just be another issue to think about.
(My psycho-babble for the day is now over.)
I think it’s a matter of scale. Yes, we’ve had issues regarding sexual apathy in the past. However, when we were at our worse, we would have sex maybe every 6-8 weeks. Recently, we’ve had sex about once over the past two weeks, but in general we’ve averaged 2-3 times a week. Yeah, I’d like it every day (twice on Saturdays), but relatively speaking, things are *so much* better than they used to be.
That being said, you have touched on the salient issue. On the one hand, I want her to be comfortable setting the sexual pace she wants. I don’t want her to feel pressured into sex. I also don’t want to feel I have any control over when it happens. Of course, I still *do* want it to happen. But not if it’s due to her guilt. I guess I want her to want to have it more often, but really, is it reasonable to expect an every-other-night kind of schedule? And does it matter that I’m all horned-up? It kinda looks like I will *always* be that way.
Anyway, I think you’re sniffing around the right area with your comment, but I don’t think it’s as dire as you comment makes it sound. I certainly don’t want Belle to think alarms are going off in my head. I’m nowhere near that.
You could look at this like a “submissive-in-training” exercise. Or like the Seals who go through all sort of torment to achieve their heart’s desire. The truly wonderful things in life do not come easily. She is treating you almost like an inanimate object – like “Pink”! Does Pink feel slighted when lying in the drawer and not being used? No. Pink waits patiently, never complaining, never anticipating, forever accepting of her “place”. If she is used, fine. If she is not, fine. Belle’s will be done.
I am quite surprised Belle has not curtailed the porn thing. Where the mind goes, the body follows – and does not your body belong to Belle? Allowing your sexual energy to focus on something other than Belle – does that jive with your Covenant? To be truly “denied” entails the mind as well as the body. Conversely, a pornless existence would keep you in deeper subspace. Denied. Body and mind. Totally, totally denied.
Thumper,
In my mind there has always been a difference between chastity play (as and extended brand of foreplay) and submission. As I read blogs of CB wearers who’s wives really start taking advantage of the CB, they often blog feelings very much like yours. There are times when sex takes a back seat, and suddenly chastity play is no longer just a prelude or enhancement to sex, but rather a submissive gesture.
I think most of us who are into male chastity long to be locked up by our horny wives, while providing sexual service every day. When the game becomes non-sexual for a while, we get conflicted and frustrated.
You’ve set a pretty “aggressive” lockup schedule for the coming year – you won’t be getting much. Here’s hoping that your Belle’s libido perks up when work calms down, so that the experience is more fun for you. However, during the dry spells, you might want to revel in the submissive aspects of chastity play. Coffee in bed, a foot rub, or drawing a warm bath for her might be just the things to get her out of “work” mode, and jumpstart her libido, while at the same time becoming part of a more submissive and service-oriented lifestyle.
Best of luck!
mikecb