It’s been 45 days since I last had an orgasm. I’m not writing this for any other reason except Belle’s still out of town (back tomorrow night!) and I’m really starting to feel both her absence and my extended orgasmless existence. I’ll admit up front here than I’m kinda all over the place tonight. No actual point to make, just feeling the need to express myself.
I’ll start by giving myself a little credit for mostly avoiding websites that’d make me even hornier than I already am, but it’s getting harder to resist. Especially since I’ve just found two cuckolding blogs (one fiction, one non-fiction). Thing is, this cuckolding stuff really turns my crank, though I know it’ll never happen. Belle’s said she has zero interest in going outside our relationship. Not only is she very much a one-man woman, she’s also very satisfied having sex with me. She loves the cock and loves that I know how to use it (though, admittedly, I was better at it back when I wasn’t always trying to keep myself from coming). So anyway, yeah, the cuckolding thing will remain pure fantasy, albeit a hot, blood-pumping one.
I realized today that the majority of the porn I’m consuming of late is heterosexual. In the years leading up to the introduction of D/s into our relationship, I enjoyed mainly gay porn with only an occasional foray into straight stuff. Nowadays, though, I’d say three-quarters of the stuff I look at or read is straight, kinky, female dominant entertainment. I always figured I liked the gay stuff before because, as an avowed bisexual, guys were what I couldn’t get at home. Now, though, I’m seeking out and enjoying themes that are either exactly what I get at home or variations on that.
A little while back, there as a bit of a debate in the comments about porn and my consumption of it. Belle was considering cutting me off in an extension of her control over my sex but ultimately decided she didn’t much care if I looked at it or not. Jane Docent had a good point when she said:
Are you really denied if you make yourself “hard and bothered”? You’re supplying your own sexual stimulation. Supplied, not denied.
I actually agree with that which is why I would have acceded to Belle’s restriction, had she required it, but I think the opposite point could be made that it isn’t whether or not I get turned on that’s important, but that I can’t so anything about it. That’s her control. If I had to, I could use my imagination to create my own internal porn. In either event, I couldn’t provide my own relief or even touch myself.
The question was also asked as to why I’d even want to look at porn. Tim said, “It almost sounds like additional suffering!” Well, yes. It is. Maybe that’s the point! I’m still wired to seek out the stimulation even if all it’ll do is build and stew inside. It makes my head buzz sometimes, but as I said in my reply comment, a lot of what gets me going sexually is excessive stimulation. Being locked up and letting the porn push my arousal to ever higher levels is part of what I’m in this for. My only regret is that I’m so turned on without Belle. Everything’s better when she’s with me.
So, anyway, she’s out of town and I’m locked up as I always am when we’re apart. She told me before she left that I would be secure until we leave next week on a short trip to Mexico (probably getting out on the 13th). She’s going to be nice and let me out for the entire trip which is very sweet of her, I think. I’m not keeping track officially anymore, but in looking at the blog since September 1, it looks like she’s kept me locked up 28 out of 37 days. If not for the fact that she really likes her cock, I probably would have been in longer than that.
Regardless of whether or not I’ll be secure on the trip, based on the very few hints she’s dropped, I don’t get the feeling I’ll be coming any time soon, even on vacation. Like I said, it’s been 45 days. How much longer? If it’s not until we get back, that’ll be over two months.
Assuming, of course, I don’t fuck up in Mexico.
“My only regret is that I’m so turned on without Belle. Everything’s better when she’s with me.”
I liked reading that.
“Assuming, of course, I don’t fuck up in Mexico.”
Fucking up is only okay if she’s on top 🙂
Ba-dum-CHING!
Thumper,
This is meant to be a slap in the face, which is tough for a sissy like me to do:
You’re the submissive, so it’s all about her needs, not yours. Porn takes your attention away from her and her needs. When she’s not home, her needs are for you to be the little woman of the house, not to be playing around on the internet. The only thoughts about sex in your head should involve Belle. I think this has to be a goal for you. Simply ask yourself if what you’re doing at any moment would meet fully with Belle’s approval. If not then you’re failing as her submissive……the sub you asked to be.
I understand your feelings to express yourself but quit the whining and get back to work. If you’re not the best sub you can be then work on it!
Porn = Bad
Tim
Oh, Jesus, Tim.
Not every dom (I would know) wants their partner to forgo all personal pleasure and relaxation in order to remain 100% dedicated. That’s just not how life works best for most people.
Also, “little woman of the house”? That’s a ridiculously sexist comment.
Ah, somebody got to Tim before I did. And more tactfully, too.
Yeah, what she said.
Go ahead, slap me around. I’m into that, remember? 🙂
I disagree. As I’ve written before, sub or not, I still have needs and they still need to be met. I’ll go so far as to say it’s *mostly* about her needs because, you know, I’m submissive, but who the hell would want to be in a relationship where none of their needs were ever met?
As a matter if fact, my looking at porn has been approved by her explicitly, so when I’m doing it, it does “meet with her approval”.
As I said in this post, if she had told me not to look at it, I wouldn’t look at it.
I don’t recall whining (in this particular post).
Porn = Awesome (at least sometime…if it’s good)
You’re the submissive, so it’s all about her needs, not yours.
There’s so much wrong with this black and white statement I’m not sure where to begin. Any relationship that is so blatantly one sided is doomed to fail.
Being submissive is a need in itself so by the above definition we all must be wrong.
Finding what’s right for you and Belle is the ultimate goal. Keep black and white commandments out of your relationship and leave them for crazy religion of which D/s is not.
Dear Thumper,
This is difficult for me to say, but I feel you must be told: you are going about having a happy, meaningful marriage WRONG.
It needs to be far less mutually satisfying. Otherwise, you’re not really submitting. I think this has to be a goal for you. I hope you work on it every day. Maybe you should put a written reminder to yourself somewhere where you’ll see it every day. On the mirror you use to shave, maybe. I would suggest that it say something like, “If you aren’t miserable, you aren’t giving her your ALL!”
Maybe you could have more than one. (“Masochism isn’t supposed to be PLEASANT!”) Did that guy in that story get mad at his wife after she didn’t let him come for five years? NO! He’s still waiting! Or would be, if he were real.
I hope you won’t think less of me for saying this…I just felt it needed to be said. Then, when you are TRULY submissive, I expect I’ll also see you telling other guys on sex blogs what they should be doing with their lives and partners. Because you’ll have reached that place where you have no thoughts which are not properly subby; and you’ll know how to help others get there, too.
Remember, you can’t spell “relationship” without the words, “only her”!
You just have to spell it with an I.
Sincerely,
Bean
Maybe you’re right, Bean. i’ll endeavor to be more like those guys in the porn i’m going to stop looking at (even though i’m allowed to, i see now that it’s got nothing to do with serving Her and that i shouldn’t do it).
Thanks so much for the tough love.
I think I’ve just developed a crush on Bean.
Seconded.