Belle and I had a lovely time out last night. The kids were at a community group event designed to give parents some off-leash time together. Belle thought a nice dinner would be a good use of our three hours while I voted for rolling around naked back at the house. She gets three more votes than me, though, so off to dinner we went.
We talked about a lot of things, even real life things like work, before turning to our relationship. At first, it was one of those general conversations where we reassured one another that we’re happy and satisfied. Even after a year (yes, it’s nearly been a year!) of larking about like we have, it’s necessary to keep checking in with one another to make sure we’re still on the right track. Once we had that out of the way, we talked about several things I think are worth relating here.
Belle told me I had been slipping lately in the service department, especially with regard to my morning duties (which are really quite simple). I told her I would endeavor to improve and found myself bringing up the idea of punishment again. As I’ve said here before, punishment is not the same as masochism for me. It’s really more about power exchange. That she would have the right to physically punish me based on her subjective opinion as to how I’ve served her, and that I would be required to accept her punishment regardless of my personal feelings as to its justification, makes my ears flush red. It’s not just playing at power exchange, it actually is power exchange. I crave that kind of submission. It speaks to the very base of my submissive nature and works on a lot of levers I’ve carried around since childhood. It was hard for me to even look at her across the candlelit table as I talked about it. It’s a very powerful subject for me.
I also feel that the threat of punishment will help focus me on doing the things for her I know I need to do but don’t always get to fast enough for her. I really want to be better at serving her in whatever way she requires and, like most people, I suppose, I often find myself slipping and doing things I want to do rather than those things I need to do. It’s not as though I have no intention of getting to those things, I just do the stuff I want to do first. Currently, there’s little downside for me reprioritizing things on my own. If she took the step to make me uncomfortable and embarrassed, I think it’d help me be more focused on my responsibilities.
So, with that all in mind, she asked me if I wanted her to kick it up a notch. Did I really want her to pile on some tasks? I told her I did, that I wanted to do whatever I could that would make her life better. That said, she gave me a number of tasks I had to perform this morning (all mundane) that she had planned on doing herself. That relieved her from running around like a headless chicken right after she got up and also gave her time to get her nails done (where she is right now).
We also talked about the idea, recently left by a reader in a comment here, that I should strive to be the “little woman of the house” (at least when Belle’s not around). I admit freely that the concept of the sissified submissive male is an alien one. Submission, for me, does not equal weakness or connote a feminine quality. I think part of the problem submissive men deal with (even in the BDSM world) is the perception that they’re all pink, frilly, or weak. I’m not weak, frilly, pink, or feminine, nor do I wish to be any of those things. I certainly don’t have any issue with those who do, but I ain’t one of them.
That being said, there is an aspect of male submission in the context of the whole “female-led relationship” thing that does suggest the transfer of certain activities or attitudes that our society identifies with specific genders. Traditionally, the female attends to meals and cleaning up, certain child duties, the laundry, etc., while the male initiates sex and, more often than not, is the primary beneficiary of sexual satisfaction and is generally allowed to wallow about the house while she attends to him (which is not to say she necessarily likes that arrangement). These are all stereotypes, of course, but stereotypes aren’t invented. They usually have some basis in fact. In some aspects of our relationship, I am very much “the woman” while Belle assumes what most would think is the man’s role. Mostly in bed, but even in other areas. However, I’m still very much a man and she’s very much a woman. She hasn’t become butch and aggressive while I haven’t become effeminate. But I do acknowledge that some kind of transference has taken place (and continues to evolve). I don’t have a problem with this or deny it, nor can I even describe it very well, but it’s intriguing to me. It’s too bad there are so few (if any) cultural archetypes to look at as our dynamic is developing. Images of men wearing hot pink chastity devices (to keep their hands of their “sissy clitties”, natch) under their fish net stockings and French main uniforms are certainly no help to us.
Another comment from the blog that we discussed was Sera’s thoughtful reply to my post about how Belle and I are slowly but surely having less sex as the weeks and months go on. She said:
It might be informative here to bear in mine that for women as well as men, it seems to be that sexual desire is a kind of “use it or lose it” thing. So that if Belle is not getting enough stimulation of the kind that gets her off . . . well, she’s not going to be in a position to give you the kind that gets you off.
And so I asked Belle, was she getting what she wanted? Was I providing her what she needed to get off? Turns out, maybe not so much. Belle said she needed to “connect” with me more than she’s been able to recently. I can’t say I entirely understand what that means yet, but it sounds to me like maybe we’re talking too much about ourselves and our relationship lately and not enough about our shared life. Over dinner, we talked quite a bit about our shared life before we moved on to discussions of relationship and sex and she said she needed more of that. I suppose posting almost every day to a blog that deals exclusively with issues related to our sex life and relationship doesn’t really help her feel as though I talk about anything else but those things. It’s another area where I, someone who literally carries a totem of his sexual relationship around 24/7, feels like I’m hardly ever talking about it since every word out of my mouth isn’t about our dynamic or sex or whatever. But she, who probably isn’t thinking about my chastity device or how many days it’s been since I came or how fucking horny I am or whatever for four out of every five minutes in the day, thinks it’s all we ever talk about. I understand and will try to do better.
So, as if to drive the point home through my thick, hormone-addled skull, once we got home and I put the kids down for the night, Belle let me bring her to orgasm. Stimulus…reward. Stimulus…reward. It’s the same way you train dogs. Anyway, it was your typical Belle ‘n Thumper orgasm and I was left very hot and horny and with a fully pressurized chastity tube while she was left relaxed, sleepy, and orgasmically sated.
In other words, exactly as things should be.
As always a thoughtful post, but it seemed to me that you avoided pursuing your deep seated need for real punishment. Where does non-physical punishment fit in your world? For example, corner time, mouth-soaping, sitting restrained in a chair? It would seem that it is not more tasks that you need, but rather Belle’s oversight and willingness to provide consequences for your shortcomings beyond just getting upset.
My default is to think of punishment as a physical act, but of course, it can take any form she wants it to.
Since the two of you have been at it now for about a year and you are both growing into your respective rolls and seem to be enjoying what you’re each doing, how do you visualize the process developing during the next year?
You stated the following: “If she took the step to make me uncomfortable and embarrassed, I think it’d help me be more focused on my responsibilities”.
What things would make you “uncomfortable and embarrassed” from your prospective and also from Belle’s prospective?
I have no idea how it’ll develop! My submissive side continues to come into focus and she becomes more confident as time goes on. The only thing I do know is that we’ll continue to make forward progress.
As far as what would make me uncomfortable and embarrassed, I think *any* punishment would carry a certain amount of embarrassment. She’s threatened to make me sleep on the laundry room floor and that’d surely be uncomfortable.
One thing that is interesting is that on a forum recently there was a thread where dominant women were asked “Does control turn you one sexually” much to the surprise of many men the resounding answer was NO. As I said there; “Control itself is an aphrodisiac in the right circumstances. But many more ingredients are required to make a meal.”
Last but not least. Feminisation of men does not indicate weak and frilly and pink. Far from it, I think. To admit and accept having that side takes real strength and guts.
The whole pink and frilly thing are as play tools for my boy and myself. In earnest when he is en femme and we would want to go out I want him to look like a beautiful woman, not a caricature of one. And truth be told he is so utterly confident, passable and looks wonderful, without frills, without pink.
I do realise that this is not the case for all feminised men. For some a humiliation factor is required or wished for. This is just to point out that there too are differences in that kink.
I’m not trying to minimize the strength required to come out to yourself or your partner as a sissy. Not at all. Nor am I looking down my nose at a kink I don’t share. I’m only saying, as a very prevalent variant of submissive male, it’s of little value to us since it’s not what we’re into.
I think the feminization Thumper is talking about in his relationship has more to do with subverting expected gender roles. He’s not interested in being forced to become a woman-it’s that the services he can do for Belle are things that are seen as “woman’s work” in our society.
You might think about using your scheduled nights of release as opportunities for this kind of talk-that way you both get the big reward 😉
If you’re going to make doing regular chores “tasks” that you must fulfill as your service, try to remember that life can always be more complicated than you think it will. Reading about your self-described bad day it seemed like you were blaming yourself for stuff that you had no control over. If you really want punishment you can come up with a way to deserve it that doesn’t involve you having to be able to know if it’s going to rain in advance (for example)or if something in the freezer is too old. (unless freezer organization is a task you’ve been given)
(As an aside-I spent several seasons in Antarctica -most frozen food is fine long after the date on the box)
Keep having fun!
I don’t disagree that much of what happened on that bad day was out of my control. I don’t necessarily want to be punished because it rained on day I said would be sunny, but I do want there to be consequences for those times I’m not performing up to my ability or her expectations.
I’ve always loved being female so this whole thing of humiliating a guy by femininizing him is lost on me. Requiring a guy to always stand in your presence, indeed forbidden to use the furniture at all; to make him use cold water for showers, to sleep on the floor by your bed or by the door, to make him take his meals from the floor (when the kids are away), the list is delightfully unending. Small, simple, effective ways to control/punish/dominate. A thousand small rules can be established for expected behavior. Corner time, writing lines, having him stand in front of you holding heavy books in his outstretched arms until the sweat pours down his body and he begins to shake uncontrollably, begging for release – all very effective deterrents as well as fun to watch. I think it’s a lot more satisfying to control a strong manly man than a prissy one.
Gee, it almost sounds like you’ve done this sort of thing before. 😉
The more I thought about this the more I’ve concluded that the punishment should be what Belle wants and not what Thumper gets turned on by. Belle must think about what it is the would excite her either sexually or otherwise and if its something Thumper gets turned on by, fine or if he detests it that’s fine also, and maybe that’s even better because punishment is not something to be enjoyed. Otherwise it wouldn’t be called punishment. I think during the past year Belle has only given punishment that Thumper has enjoyed, i.e. ball punching for example.
I don’t disagree at all. I’d prefer she do things she likes, whatever those things are.
I don’t think Belle has ever actually punished you, has she? I thought ball punching, for instance, was only ever for fun.
She didn’t allow me to participate in her orgasms for a few days once. That was about it. Hitting me in the balls, since I actually really *like* that, has always been for fun.
Oh I didn’t see this (was out of town getting fucked). Glad the comment was useful to you guys. 🙂 Sounds like you had a very nice and “connecting” dinner.
Actually, now that I think of it, this visit every time before Robbie went to kiss or nuzzle me (or worse/better), he’d ask some personal question about my life. I was like, “Why are you doing that?” He said, “You keep saying you need that whole ’emotional connection’ thing to get horny!” I wasn’t aware I was saying it, but Robbie’s pretty observant when it comes to what’s necessary to get him laid . . . So I guess Belle isn’t the only one. 😉
Just a thought (and maybe you’ve already settled the type of punisment dealt to you) but what I find surprisingly effective is a hard slap in the face. It’s really quick, and usually with me, followed by an avalanche of emotions, one of them shame. It just would be really easy for Belle that she wouldn’t have to make extensive plans and have a time to punish you, and from what you write it feels like she would still have you as partner around the house rather than showing (off) your submissiveness by – well for example – not sitting on the furniture for a period of time. You’ve also said many times that you need to be treated “like a dog”, punished immidietly. So slapping… anyone? 🙂
She’s gone back and forth on punishment but seems to have settled in to using Icy Hot on my balls. It’s easy, quiet (until the burning starts) and requires little effort on her part.
It’s odd how the idea of that, right this moment, makes me hard but actually *in* the moment terrifies me.
Oh yeah. I read about that. Ouch. But if you sometimes want something more in the lines of physical impact/contact (which ever suits you) don’t forget to slap – I mean clap your hands. 😉
(And ofcourse I have no kids so I didn’t realize the importance of silence.)