Floating in the void

I’ve been trying to write something for a few days but each time the WordPress editor comes up, all blank and intimidating, I wither and slink off. I’m wandering around in a bit of a funk and I can’t say what it’s really about and if I can’t do that I certainly can’t write about it. I suppose I could do a chastity nerdery post and compare and contrast the CB6K and the Steelheart (and mention that I’m currently in the CB6K instead of the Steelheart because we’ve decided it needs to go back to Germany and get a smaller ring), but that wouldn’t feel right. I certainly will get around to writing all that, but to do so now would be like describing the ballpark when I really should be calling the game.

So yeah, malaise. I’ve been denied for 19 days today and locked up for just over two weeks. In the past, this’d mean something, but at the moment I’m not feeling it. I’m feeling something, I just don’t know what it is. Belle’s aware of it, of course, and we’ve bandied about the “taking a break” thing, but I don’t know what that would mean and don’t want to be any way other than I am now. I don’t want to come by myself. I don’t want to be unlocked. I don’t want my orgasm back. And that’s really the issue. I don’t want it, period. While I haven’t come in nearly three weeks or felt a free erection in over two, I’m kinda not missing them. And that bothers me. A lot.

It could be that we’re not being intimate right now. We’ve had a few moments. We shared her orgasm this weekend, but then I ruined it by letting myself get too carried away and not leaving her alone in the bask and glow stage. I felt very bad about that. Then the other night she slapped my balls around a little and I really liked that (so much so that it caused me to excrete a thick slug of precum afterward), but in between these events I’m not feeling what I used to feel. I’m not feeling horny, at least not a flavor of horny I’m familiar with. If she made a move toward sex, I’d do it happily and enthusiastically, but I’m not feeling compelled to push the issue. She doesn’t seem to want it, anyway.

It’s not just Belle. Porn, my old standby and the thing that’s in the past helped me get my motor running, hasn’t been very compelling. I used to be able to appreciate it even when locked up but now, while I might get a momentarily tight tube when looking at it, I don’t feel much interest in doing so and the residual affects are fleeting. I don’t recall there ever being a time in my life when I felt so apathetic towards arousal.

I wonder if this is the point I’ve been trying to get to. Have I lost my independent sexuality? Is it entirely about her now and, absent her motivation, do I not have a sex drive? And if so, am I OK with that? I really don’t know. I feel like there should be more. That I should be feeling more. I miss the subbie vibe and the drive to do things for her. Now, instead of feeling the need to demonstrate my submission, I just do it. There’s no charge around it. So, is this right? Is this where you get when the newness rubs off?

I don’t really know the answer to that. All know is I’m not horny, but I’m not not horny, either. I’m not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I don’t feel subbie, but I am acting that way (or trying to). I feel like I’m floating in a void, neither light nor dark, cold nor hot, no up and no down. I don’t want things to be different, but I don’t want them to be exactly like this, either.

4 Replies to “Floating in the void”

  1. It could be just a phase, and it will wear off, like depression or being happy or sad or anything else. Belle will say or do something that will start your motor again, and it’ll be like you never left it. It may be the beginning of being comfortable with not having an orgasm every day or two (or whatever). A strange feeling, but you should expect days where you are more aroused than others. This may be the real you that’s exposed when you remove the mask of cumming all the time.

  2. I’ve been feeling much the same recently and just emerged today for reasons I think I’ll babble about tomorrow.

    Keep your pecker up Thumper…. erm, well, you know what I mean.

  3. I can’t comment from your side, but certainly I keep an eye on my boy when he is in chastity (sans device) and he does ebb and flow, as do I.

    He is very much emotion-driven, and I get the impression that you are too. If he is flat, and I am not, I can easily pull him out of it. But when we are both feeling flat (and it is usually due to ‘life stuff’), I don’t issue a ‘get out of chastity free’ card, but the nature of it is indeed very different. He loses any charge from it, and it is exactly as you describe – it just ‘is’ (the sky is blue, the grass is green, I’m in chastity).

    For me, I just acknowledge that he is still in chastity in various ways so that he knows I have it in mind, and I am sweet to him emotionally, even if I don’t feel like playing with him in any real way. When the ‘life’ stuff that is causing the flatness passes, we get back to normal.

    I don’t think it’s really any different from phases of sexual energy (or lack of same) in any long term relationship.


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