I am not dead!

Anyone who’s read this blog for a while knows that extended periods of quiet are signs of alarm. Not unlike a collie bursting into the room and barking like mad (which might lead you to look around for young Timmy, whose absence would then cause you to run off to check the local well/abandoned mine). In any event, I haven’t posted because a) there wasn’t all that much to talk about for a bit, and b) there were, in fact, issues.

The issues are basically the same we’ve gone over before and involve the fact that my internal submission engine requires a certain level of sexual frustration to remain engaged. Belle left for NYC immediately following my last post, which was fine because our sex the night before was outstandingly frustrating. However, for a variety of reasons, we didn’t do much of anything sexual from the time she got back through the next weekend. In addition, she wasn’t giving me any tasks to perform or otherwise flexing her domination over me (and, in fact, did several things I told her I’d be happy to do for her). By the time Sunday night rolled around and she fell asleep while watching the Vikings collapse in front of a national audience, my tank was full of fumes.

I laid there, listening to her sleep, and calmly thought through where we were. I, certainly, was not feeling it. She, it appeared, wasn’t feeling it. Not only that, she didn’t seem to have any desire to bring it back (and, of course, by “it” I mean our D/s dynamic). I wasn’t really mad or full of despair or anything like that. It seemed normal that after a year or so of messing around with this and after a several month period where she left me locked in a chastity device pretty much 24/7 that maybe the one or both of us would get our fill. I really wanted out of the CB6K. Once I felt I wasn’t being denied as much as detained, the bloom was off. Also, since living with the Steelheart for a while and even the chrome CB6K, the old clear CB6K is only barely erotic for me (and her, I think).

So, long story kinda but not really short, I decided to propose a break the next day. By “break” I meant no device, I can come whenever I want, I’m not submissive. At least for a while. Until we both wanted it back. That was the idea, anyway. Turns out, when I said it, she took it pretty hard. What seemed to me a logical extension of how we were living, to her, was a rebuke of sorts. I didn’t mean it that way and didn’t expect her to take it the way she did, but there it was. She gave me the key on Monday morning but was also obviously distressed to do so, so I gave it back to her and said we’d discuss it that night when we had a chance to talk.

Monday night came around and she removed the lock. I was very happy to be facing the prospect of taking it off, but it was still obvious to me that she was unhappy about it. She said it made her feel like she didn’t own the cock anymore. That wasn’t my intention. Really, all I wanted to do was take it out for a spin. Laying there, device still on but unlocked, and against what I wanted, I suggested she put the lock back on. She declined. I offered again. She declined again. Soon, I was practically begging her to put the lock back on. The deliciousness of the situation (me, begging to be relocked even though I really wanted out) was not lost on me and I found myself forcibly holding the device together as it strained against my erection. I finally told her to replace the lock just for the night. Whatever she wanted to do the next day, we’d do. Obviously, the device and the control it represents has developed into a potent symbol between us.

Next day, she let me out. Her period had just started, so she said we’d do the opposite of what’s normal and I’d be unlocked until she was done bleeding. However, we were not going to be on a full break. I was not allowed to come without her permission. I really did want an orgasm (more to the point, I wanted a whole fucking lot of them), but wanting out wasn’t the same as wanting to be out from under her control. Feeling full and unencumbered erections was, I admit, glorious. I also admit to doing what came naturally with those erections, though I never went all the way to the logical conclusion.

Last night, Belle started giving the cock some pleasant attention (mixed in with occasional and random strikes to the balls). It got hard again, really hard, and I wasn’t sure which I wanted more: the nice cock contact or the ball hitting. I rolled over and got onto all fours and she started to milk me like a cow. I closed my eyes and zoned out on the sensation of her hand moving over the hard cock. It didn’t take too long for me to start feeling the tickle of an orgasm bubbling up. I warned her, asking if she wanted me to come. She said I could.

Because I’m me, I didn’t think, “Oh, fuck, YES!” I thought, “Oh shit, not on the sheets!” I cupped my hand under the end of the cock just in time to catch the spurts, but doing so took my eye off the ball just long enough that I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the orgasm. Regardless, I really liked it. I wiped my hand off on my balled-up underwear, curled into her, and almost immediately fell deeply asleep, heavy scent of ejaculate hanging over the bed.

This morning, the PA piercing kinda hurts. She was pretty rough on the cock and the ring flopped around with a lot of force. I’m totally feeling it today, along with the normal post-orgasmic rush of additional horniness. One orgasm never seems to get it all out.

4 Replies to “I am not dead!”

  1. In my view, “we didn’t do much of anything sexual” is the most difficult thing to cope with when denied. I listened to a Kink on Tap podcast (Number 6 on Tease and Denial: http://kinkontap.com/?p=24 )a while ago and it really resonated when Sara Eileen made the point that somebody being denied was effectively in a 24/7 BDSM scene.

    I think it can be difficult for the denier (for want of a better word) to empathise with the constant, low level mind-fuck that their partner is experiencing. Especially as it’s, for the most part, hidden. Communication is often mooted as the answer but it can easily appear as pestering and that’s no fun.

    I don’t really have an answer and I’m babbling so I’ll just add that it’s good to see you back.

  2. I think it can be difficult for the denier (for want of a better word) to empathise with the constant, low level mind-fuck that their partner is experiencing. Especially as it’s, for the most part, hidden. Communication is often mooted as the answer but it can easily appear as pestering and that’s no fun.

    This is something i’m working on with my husband … i’m locked up 24/7 and constantly horny, and it’s fantastic when we’re playing – if i’m getting touched and squeezed and bitten and rubbed, or i’m doing the same to him, or if i’m getting him off somehow, it’s all fantastic. But when a day goes by and we do nothing, it’s troublesome, and when it goes more than a day, it becomes a problem … but, he’s busy and i’m busy, so that’s going to happen from time to time.

    So it’s hard to tell quite where the right balance is. Certainly I could not do what thumper did and ask to get out — I would feel like i’d failed him, and he’d feel like he’d failed me, and that would just suck all around. But neither do I want to pester him.

  3. I am glad you got some of what you needed and desired. I understand your frustration with not getting anything on the long run. I have written about that on my blog under “Ignore and denial”.

    Some women, most I think, don’t see sex the way we do. Once she is satisfied for the moment, nothing matters. Then again, that can be said about men, hence “chastity” and “tease and denial” became an issue.

    The difference is the degree and frequency of need for sexual release between men and women. In some marriage or partnership they may be grossly different. And there is the rub.

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