Questions from a reader

I received a email this morning chock full o’ questions from a reader of the blog. I suspect they picked it up in the middle somewhere and then went back and reread the whole thing, though they don’t actually say that in their email. In any event, they’ve taken the time to ask thirteen (!) questions, some of which have been covered previously in one form or another, but many deal with topics I may not have addressed directly or at all. All of them are thoughtfully written. I plan on answering them over several posts since to do them all justice at once would take a great deal of time and many, many words.

And with that, let’s start!

Are you and Belle Fille concerned about your children either finding out about your current dynamic, or of them sensing that you are a submissive?  Do you find it has affected your relationship with them at all?

I don’t think I “present” as submissive at all. This will come up again in other answers, but I doubt anyone who knows me socially would peg me as a sexual submissive (double entendre and all). I say that because I don’t think either of our children, at ages 7 and 11, would pick up on any signs other than I tend to (but not always) defer to Belle’s wishes around the house and have recently started doing a much larger share of the household tasks than I used to. I’m not one of those subs who demure around their domme or otherwise act subservient and servile. In bed, yes. Around the house and socially, not so much. I’m willful and talk back. An uppity sort of sub.

I have no problem with my kids eventually finding this out about me (well, no more problems than anyone has with regard to their sex lives and how it should or should not be shared with close family). Even though I’ve struggled with certain aspects, I am not ashamed of what I am or what we do or what I like her to do to me. I don’t worry about them thinking less of me as a man or that I’m being less of a role model to my son. Quite the contrary, I’d like to present an acceptable alternative to him with regard to how men are “supposed” to be, especially with regard to how they interact with their mates. I don’t intend to somehow try to make him like me. My goal would be demonstrating to him that he can be exactly who he is without regard to cultural norms or expectations.

All that being said, the one thing I try to keep from them at all costs is the chastity device. They’re simply not prepared to understand or deal with that at this point in their lives (nor, I’m sure, would they ever want to know about it). Also, I’m not sure they’d understand the various implements she uses to hurt me. All the accoutrement of our sex life should remain firmly in the privacy of Belle’s bedroom/my pants.

With regard to affecting my relationship with them, I find myself being somewhat more deferential to my daughter (or, at least being more aware of it). I don’t know what to make of this. It could just as well be the well-documented way daddies are easily manipulated by their little girls. I also find that when I’ve been denied for a longish period of time and haven’t had access to Belle that I’m much more abrupt and have less patience with them (and the world in general). I start to resent their presence around us as I want to have Belle all to myself. This is totally unfair and unacceptable, of course, and I try to temper myself with reason when I see myself being that way, but it happens just the same. I feel as though the denial and dependency on her sets up a very primally competitive attitude. Since they’re around us more than anyone else, it attaches to them fairly easily.

Do you feel that you have changed in your other relationships such as with your friends, family and workmates?  You seem to be so focused on your sexuality and on Belle Fille, that I wonder if other relationships have altered?

Yes, I have greatly curtailed my involvement in certain extracurricular activities over the past year. There are many reasons for this, but the primary one is that I’m far more interested in what’s happening in my relationship and sex life than I am in other things that used to take up a lot of my time. In fact, I need that time to properly interact with Belle according to our D/s dynamic. I don’t in any way resent this change. I have enough time to pursue my interests and have maintained those friendships that matter.

My relationships with other family members outside our house have not changed in any appreciable way. Neither have my friendships except that I wish I had more friends I could talk to about my marriage and how it’s changed. When I was having my affair and afterward, there were many people I could have talked to about it, but ironically, now that my marriage is better than ever, I don’t feel comfortable getting into it with anyone because of how it’s been transformed. I guess this blog is an outlet for my need to share and verbally process everything. I guess these questions of yours are, too.

Two down, eleven to go!

10 thoughts on “Questions from a reader

  1. Great, thoughtful answers. I really admire how straightforward and considered they are. That’s actually one of the best things I’ve seen written about kids and D/s–same idea, but better words put to it than most. Yay.

  2. I agree that if my kids found out, for me it would not be too big a deal. I am comfortable with my maintaining my chastity commitment using a device. I do not see why if everyone on the subway knew, why it would cause anyone to care one way or the other. “Hey, that guy over there can’t get an erection because his wife has the key to a thing he is wearing.” Big deal. I think the anxiety comes from the person in chastity, not from outsiders. Others could most likely care less….

  3. @sera – Thanks!

    I think the anxiety comes from the person in chastity, not from outsiders.

    My obsession over stealth has decreased markedly from when I first started wearing a device. While I’m not advertising it with a sign around my neck, I’m also not too worried about a stray bulge being spotted from time to time.

    That said, I’m still careful to ensure my kids remain clueless. I don’t hide how I am but don’t think they need to know what I do.

  4. 1) Belle Fille is a bit of grammatical stickler and doesn’t like that Thumpie opened with saying “a reader”, which is singular, and then moved to plural references. While that is hardly the main comment/point at hand, I had to get it out there. Thumpie thinks he is in appropriate usage context, but William Safire is twitching in the netherworlds right now.

    2) This is a very interesting and deep series of questions. I will want to weigh in on a few of them as well over time. However, I’m still a bit stressed about the fact that I have not yet answered Ferns’ and Tom’s questions from several weeks ago. So that task is first, and then these.

    3) I feel inclined as well to comment on how we manage this with the kids. I always want us to be appropriately transparent with our kids about who we truly are, what we feel, and why we feel that way. That provides emotional context and learning for them that is very important. But I never want to disclose to them what we “do”, what we “use” and how we “do it”. That is their own personal adult journey. And they are so far away from being adults, and never need to know that about their parents.

  5. Interesting what you say about being more abrupt with the kids. I am exactly the same. Too much teasing and too little sandy make me edgy, not in a good way. I also have to be careful not to let the kids be disadvantaged by it. And I agree that the competition for her time is A big part of the cause. If I cum lots I tend to be a more relaxed person, but less considerate to sandy (though still a good husband).

    It’s a fine line this dynamic, at times.

  6. *laugh*

    “I’m still a bit stressed about the fact that I have not yet answered Ferns’ and Tom’s questions from several weeks ago.”

    Thank you Belle! You know I was just reading this and thinking… heeeyyyy… come on now… some anonymous reader gets thirteen (count ’em, thirteen!) questions answered over multiple posts and what do *I* get? Nothin’, nada, bubkiss!!

    Ok, actually, I wasn’t thinking that at all, but I do very much appreciate the thought and please don’t feel at all stressed about it! I look forward to hearing your thoughts, but I’m in no hurry.

    Ferns

  7. Belle Fille :
    William Safire is twitching in the netherworlds right now.

    I always thought it was “netherworld”. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone refer to an afterlife as “neitherworlds”.

    😀

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