A reader sent me an email chock full o’ questions and, since I can’t get motivated to write about anything else, I thought I’d reply to them here…
Have followed your postings for some time and really enjoy them.
Thanks. I enjoyed many of them myself.
Does Belle control your appearance and grooming…hair, body hair, nails etc.? Does she ever groom you or tell you how she wants it done? How are they kept?
Not any more than any other wife. She likes me to look a certain way, but it’s not always the way I want to look and also not always appropriate for work (don’t get carried away – she like me on the scruffy side, is all). I probably would modify my appearance for her if she asked me to.
Ever get into bondage or cock and ball torture? How have you been tied or what have you had done to cock and balls?
If you’ve followed me for some time, you’ll know I’m very into CBT and bondage. I’m not always in the mood, but when I am (or when Belle pulls me into it), I like it a lot.
As far as what’s been done, Belle’s punched me in the nuts, applied Icy Hot to them, pinched and squeezed them, affixed clothespins in and around the area, and (while tied up) rested a bag of ice on the entire package. I have a fantasy of her really kicking or kneeing them, but have thus far not pushed it because I’m not sure where the line is. I have grown to really appreciate testicle pain (again, while in the right mood), but am afraid of actually damaging them.
Now that I think of it, I recall that, prior to being with Belle, my masturbatory habits included wrapping a light chain (dog leash) around my cock and balls in order to cause constriction. In what was probably a strong foreshadowing of my future kinks, I liked the sensation of binding and squeezing. At some point, I lost the chain and used other various objects such as boot laces.
Ever get tied, tortured or used by another guy? Interested in that?
No, I haven’t. Interested? Well, sure, in the same way I’m interested in any guy at this point. I’m not going to be acting on my interests since the rules of my relationship don’t allow it, but I think the dynamic differences in being topped by a guy versus a woman would be fantastic to experience. Guys have the ability to penetrate in a way that’s very obviously dominating.
Do you find yourself more bi as you are in chastity without cuming longer?
I am not any more or less queer when in chastity, but I am metric tonnes more horny. I feel as though I’m a perfect Kinsey 3 in that I’m usually equally attracted to women and men. My level of frustration doesn’t change the direction of my attractions, though it can make them much more intense.
Ever made to service other guys or women?
I’m up to anything, but Belle’s not interested in sharing, as far as I know.
Sure these seem like random questions…I appreciate your answering them.
No problem.
I’d like to learn more about you.
Obviously!
Chastity is a huge turn on to me.
Me, too.
Indeed. So do women.
Of course they do, but not if they’re uninterested in wearing the equipment.
And if they’re uninterested in using their hands, or using another toy, or…. Penetration is not about equipment, is all I’m saying.
Guys have the ability to penetrate in a way that’s very obviously dominating.
That must be one of those punne things I keep hearing about, huh?
Thumper-thanks for being willing to answer all of these.
In the line of reader questions I’ll add my own… I flipped through your portfolio, again, and as I find almost all the pictures actually really arousing, I thought how I’d feel if Wonderboy would get off on other men, as well. It’s so threatening somehow, and I know I’m such a hypocrite for feeling that way since I’m bi myself and enjoy his total trust and lack of jealousy. You’re so open about your desires towards men, too, that I wonder. Has Belle ever felt uneasy about you being bi? Did you have to explain it to her a lot, in the beginning, or is she just so cool and sure of you, that it never was an issue?
I also wonder how you feel about the more intense sexual desire that comes with OD. Do you have feelings of shame or the sort if (when) you feel intensely (and I just mean arousal here) for someone else than Belle? (Or do you?) I know it doesn’t really matter because you will not act on it, and your orgasms belong to Belle, anyway, but I’m just curious about how the emotional side goes with all that.
It’s interesting that you say, as a woman who identifies as bisexual, that if your male partner identified as bi you’d feel threatened. There was a recent article on CNN (of all places) about bi men that seems to relate:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/06/28/bisexual.male.last.closet/index.html
It reiterates something I’ve both observed and experienced. Specifically, woman are “allowed” to be bi (even encouraged) while men are immediately suspect of really being gay but unable to fully admit it to themselves. I don’t know you and I’m not trying to psychoanalyze you, but your feelings around Wonderboy being potentially being bi seem like they align with the popular perception of bi males.
Have I mentioned how much I dislike the word “bi”?
Anyway, Belle would have to chime in here herself for us to know exactly what she feels, but I’ve never sensed any unease from her regarding my sexuality. She knew I was queer even before we started dating, so she walked in with her eyes open (*very* open – we watched some gay porn together, among other things). She also knows my interest in men is pretty much entirely sexual. I don’t have the emotional capacity to create a sustained relationship with another man. I think that also makes it less threatening to her.
And no, I don’t ever feel any shame or guilt when my OD flares in unexpected ways and for people other than Belle. There’s just no way to control that. Also, since the fact that I’m so horny to begin with is because she *wants* me that way, it could be viewed as an extension of her control over me. I “suffer” in lots of ways when I’m really horny and being unexpectedly and intensely aroused even when she’s not with me is just one of them.
Oh yeah, I’m aware of the typical reactions. Oh boy, am I. I’ve had gay friends (well, actually boyfriends of gay friends) who took me as a self-delusional lesbian (or a hetero who was trying to be funky) when they learned how I see myself.
It’s really great that you’ve managed to be so open about your desires, from the start. I’ve been really honest, too. Although WB didn’t much care for the gay porn, he took it as a lesson of sorts, and thought it was funny that I was so turned on by it. 😉 But I’ve seen it now a couple of times, that the first (positive) reaction isn’t necessarily the lasting one. It can be cool at first, but even WB was shook by the realization that he had to face many, many incidents where I was (for example) sleeping with a friend, possibly in the same bed, and he just had to trust me when I said “it’s not like that”.
But I guess, there never is any other way.
You might think I’m just taking advantage of the difference between sexes and being selfish as I wouldn’t want Wonderboy to have the same “freedom” as I do. But I don’t want to be cute’n’cuddly for anyone else. (And you’re welcome to use your mean skillz in kitchen psychology on me anytime. Unless it means I have to give up my wicked ways…)
It’s been actually pretty harmful for me as a queer (I first used the word queer in the earlier comment but changed it to “bi” just to be clear) to be held against the light as the cute, intellectual, bi-girl – like being everyone’s favourite toy. Formerly living the life to the brim, I now do struggle with boundaries as a side effect, setting them and keeping to them. Being open about being sexually fluid was more like a call to use me, for women and for men, and the excuse “but you’re bi, so it can’t be serious” was tossed around by all parties. I can’t say I’d prefer to be straight (whatever that means) but it would’ve been a lot easier.
Remember, when we at some point discussed that my fantasies involve two guys, and me as one of them? Maybe that has something to do with me being threatened by possible gay desires. If WB would be attracted to guys, it’s something I can’t give him, after all. In real life I couldn’t be the other guy (but I’d really want to!). And that would break my heart.
I did bug him about it, when we met. I guess I just couldn’t believe that he (or anyone) would settle just for me, or for women/men in general. Might be also because gay men hit on him constantly, and even my gay friend(s) couldn’t say about him.
I do believe it all comes back to me through his sexual energy, what ever detonates it, and he’s entitled to his (sexual) privacy like the rest of us. I guess, I’m struggling more with the idea that I’d have a hard time trusting myself if I was someone else. That, I think, should be psychoanalyzed.
I like the way you think about your unexpected flares of desire as an extension of Belle’s desire or control over you. I wish I felt that way, too!
But isn’t what I describe kind of the opposite of parents not believing their children are sexual or am I just too in the middle of it to see what you mean? I am, after all, overtly concerned about a sexuality WB doesn’t have. (Well, I’m not really concerned, but for the sake of the argument.) What kind of experiences did you mean, Maymay?
And I am sorry if I gave of the vibe that I was somehow worried about the gays out there lusting after WB, at some point I just thought it might also reflect his willingness to participate. And it didn’t. I think I actually trust gays more than heteros in that regard, because they always have to make sure what the deal is as opposed to heteros mostly just assuming everyone’s like them, and acting on it.
I feel that some kind of OD or OC (I feel Like Dan Savage now!) actually might help with the feelings of shame and guilt regarding how the desires build up and how they are targeted. Well, that’s after reading how Thumper describes his feelings, anyway. (That’s why I’m bugging you with the questions, Thumper!) Yet, I think it could possibly be warped if the OD had it’s roots in some sort of mistrust, even if it’s for myself.
But hey. incredibly interesting themes and point of views you both brought up. Those are topics I have read and thought about in the past. I am obviously not outside the society and so the common beliefs do sometimes show in my (well, especially) my feelings of guilt about these desires.
Well, I guess that partly depends on who you’re identifying yourself with from that news story. Either way, something that’s the opposite of something else can still remind someone of the first thing. 🙂 I didn’t really mean to read much into your feelings, Bambi, I just meant to voice my observation of a potential analogy somewhere in the midst of this. I’m sorry if I confused an issue for you rather than clarifying one.
I’m thinking, mostly, of my experiences as described on my former partner’s sex blog.
I see where you’re coming from, Maymay. And of course, I did see an analogy there, I just wanted to make sure how you meant it. I’ve read Sara Eileen’s blog in the past, but now I read the post you pointed to and understand more clearly.
I think, maybe, some of the problem is that the world at large seems to take jealousy and the feelings of entitlement (to the partner) for granted, even enforce them. And we (I might of course make a sweeping generalisation here) don’t. Like, you and me for example, feel that it’s an emotional disconnect or a “damage” we feel that way. And I do feel that not to trust my partner, and so in fact, feel jealous, get irritated or hurt, is a sign of a weakness in my own self image. It’s hard to shake off the doubts, when they are deemed as necessary to make a relationship work. It’s working against all you ever learned about relationships. But hey, I guess, so’s BDSM in general – especially if you’re into pain in any way.
**
Thumper,
I know that you as a couple aren’t going to go for cuckolding any time soon, since Belle didn’t go for it (and I certainly understand why), but I am intrigued, how even concidering it or growing to accept the lifestyle can change the general view of the partner’s sexuality as something that belongs to the other partner (and so can be lost and has to be guarded). If Belle’s sex (orgasms) is you’re sex, how would it work, if she was with someone else? I remember you at some point mentioning how it feels as your service has less value (my int.) if she’s not very sexual. Could it be enough if the sexuality was actually happening somewhere else and not with you?
I’m not exactly sure how it all locks together or if it even comes from the same place, but I do know that fantasies in which Belle makes me a cuckold are currently in tight rotation and make me very hot. I have to be careful when masturbating (which, being mostly unlocked of late, I am capable of) because going there can get me thisclose to coming in about 3 seconds (which, unlocked or not, I am not allowed to do).
Injustice, inequity, and just basic unfairness are things I totally get off on. That’s one of the roots to my enforced chastity and denial kinks. I suppose it would also be a big part of my cuckolding fantasy.
Hmm. That’s a handful right there. I mean, if you get off on inequity and injustice, it’s probably pretty hard to account for all the emotions and what part they play. I also get turned on by inequity to some extent, but for me it has to be (well, at this point, anyway) countered after the fact, otherwise I get totally mental. But I blame the “emotional damage” that May referred to. It’s just hard to get turned on by something (like cuckolding) when you might react emotionally badly after you’re not turned on anymore. And that’s why I linked these two seemingly foreign subjects.
I’d really much want to hear you talk about that, the fantasy life that’s probably going to stay a fantasy. I’m not so into the porn story type posts but I’d just like to hear more about how the unfairness kink works, thass all. I’m trying to wrap my head around it but it keeps escaping. I kinda know there’s something in it for me, as well, although not spesificly cuckolding.
As an afterthought,
I have a friend who isn’t in on the big secrets of BDSM. He is, none the less, very vocal about his want to be a cuckold (he doesn’t know the word, even) and has offered his wife to WB on more than one occasion (drunk). He’s a cheating sort of fellow and I’d claim he’s hyper sexual, and somehow, that translates to him handling loads of issues through his sexual life. I wonder if there’s something there I should understand.
Also, wanna hear why you’re all out nowadays.
If you haven’t yet, you might find my post called “Don’t Be Nice” interesting, as it speaks to exactly this desire of mine. I share many of Thumper’s fantasies, including “cuckolding” (a word I actively despise due to what I feel are deeply-ingrained misogynistic and often racist associations, but I have no better word at the moment). I’d be very interested in hearing more from Thumper about these specific thoughts/fantasies, as well, so consider this motion seconded. 😉
That description is precisely why I have a viscerally disgusted reaction with terms like “cuckolding” and, indeed, any expression of misguided sexual “acting-out” without self-reflection or consideration of others.
It’s funny that you hate the word so much. I totally understand why, but the same things that make you dislike it somehow make me love it in the way you love something that’s kinda gross only because it makes you so hot. I can see its repulsive sides, but I get all hard and glassy-eyed from it just the same.
Fair enough. I don’t like “gross” and I don’t like “taboo.” I find neither of these things sexy. The fact that some of the things I do are considered both gross and taboo by others only goes to highlight the subjectivity of both of these things. What I object to is that such subjectiveness is approached as though those beliefs are a universal reality. That makes these associations even more repulsive to me.
Oh, forgot to mention…
That old post of yours you linked to is really great. I totally and completely know what your talking about. What’s really interesting is Belle and I were just (like in the last 20 minutes) having a conversation about how I want to want to have orgasms but not to actually have them and how that’s sometimes confusing to her (how can you want something but not really?) and then BAM there’s your post. I will be directing her to it.
“Make me suffer. Please.”
I should get that tattooed on my ass.
I’ve actually read your post many times, May. I think I first read it more than a year, year and a half ago when I first started to accept my inclinations and was looking for stuff other than Bitchy to connect with. I haven’t really been able to comment on it or anything else, before now. And that’s (the ability) because of Thumper. When I read his “story” through, I really found enlightment. That this is a road like any other, that self-reflection and growth and heated discussion are fundamental and doubts are always there, lurking. I’ve found many facets of myself in both your posts, and they’ve helped me understand some things better.
Yes. Through those glasses I can understand what “cuckolding” might give to someone with those inclinations. Maybe it’s just hard for me (it hurts my brain ;)) to understand how you want something that emotionally hurts you. This passive you might even contain me in it, I’m just not there yet.
I agree on the terms, on bi and on cuckolding, but it just goes so musty if you can’t count on the old binary system (of the sexes) because language is mostly built on contradictions and contrasts. We need a word that describes it and that people will recognize. And cheating’s not it. 🙂
I’m totally in on that. But for me it would be the neck. Definately the neck.