Stacks

Maymay has this blog post that’s been sticking with me recently called “How not to fuck up a D/s relationship.” In it, he correctly points out that successful relationships are not a monolithic mass but are actually made up of multiple layers (like onions or, perhaps, parfaits), each building upon the last.

Expounds brother Maymay:

There’s this concept of layers, or more technically a stack, that is fundamental to the construction of many things in our world today. The basic idea is that one layer builds upon the things it receives from the layer beneath it and provides things to build upon to the layer above it. In this way, a robust and reliable system can be developed—and maintained—by segmenting different pieces of the system.

I think that a D/s relationship could benefit from a construction similar to this. It’s the way I think about my relationship with Eileen. I am at once her friend, her lover, her boyfriend, and her slave. Indeed, I am her slave because I am her boyfriend, and I am her boyfriend because I am her lover, and I am her lover because I am her friend.

I was reminded of this because, for the past two weeks or so, there’s been a kind of dissonance between Belle and I that’s taken the wind out of the sail for the sexual part of our relationship. The cause of the issue stems from a commitment Belle made to me a few years ago totally disconnected from anything this blog usually covers so the specifics are not important, but I’ve been noticing that she hasn’t been living up to it. For whatever reason, I find it hard to discuss this particular issue with her so I let it stew until it became a real impediment to everything else.

I finally asked her what the deal was. Why had she not done what she said she would? Her answer was, “I guess I just got lazy,” which is funny because the first thing I said in response was, “I don’t get the option of being lazy in my commitment” meaning, of course, that the device doesn’t allow it.

This is where it gets kind of squishy. I do think of her commitment as being more important (i.e., a lower stack, in Maymay’s parlance) than my commitment to chastity, but I think in Belle’s mind my chastity has stopped being just a game we play. It’s been elevated over time to be a fairly significant commitment I’ve made to her. A sign of my devotion. A permanent part of our relationship. And for some reason, I played right into that by equating my chastity to her commitment. So, I guess, what this boiled down to was a conversation about our commitments to each other and how we need to keep them. And a tacit implication that I will probably be chastised for the rest of my life.

So anyway, after Belle said she’d change her behavior back to match my expectations, I felt like a valve had been opened inside me. Within hours, I found my entire perspective about the device and our exchange of power had flipped. Before, I had developed a kind of begrudged resignation toward the device and had more or less lost my interest in being sexual with or even touching Belle. Last night, though, I was all over her and fell asleep clutching her body, my hands up under bedclothes. Her hand was down around the device and she stroked my balls as she fell asleep and I just about melted. On the way into work this morning, I sensed the tube on my body and the stirring of the cock inside and a warm, excited fluttering was in my chest. Once the issue with the lower stack was resolved, the issue with the higher one was, too.

All this is a long way of demonstrating that every time Tom says $200 worth if plastic locked on your junk won’t fix your relationship is totally and obviously correct. Also, chastity has stopped being a kink for us. I don’t think of it that way anymore at all. It’s how we are, not what we do.

9 thoughts on “Stacks

  1. Once the issue with the lower stack was resolved, the issue with the higher one was, too.[…] Also, chastity has stopped being a kink for us. I don’t think of it that way anymore at all. It’s how we are, not what we do.

    Thumper, this is a “growth post” for you. That is, you’re demonstrating a new insight that will, ultimately, lead to a better relationship, and a better understanding of how you got there.

    All this is a long way of demonstrating that every time Tom says $200 worth if plastic locked on your junk won’t fix your relationship is totally and obviously correct.

    You can expect me to be selling WWTD? bracelets very soon.

  2. How very interesting. I like maymays idea, though I can tell he is a techie at heart, but it’s true. Sandy and I always struggled in the past because the base layers were flawed. I can understand you losing the will to make your commitment or sacrifice if she wasn’t making hers. I might add though that the layers feed back to each other. I’m a better sub because we are in love. But I fall more in love when I see me submission is appreciate and valued. That is a higher stack feeds back and strengthens the lower one as well. 

    So Belle considers chastity to be a foundation layer now. I’m very curious as to why she feels that way. If you would like a new post topic that would be of real interest. 

    How did you feel when you realised that chastity is always going to be expected of you?

    1. Things have been moving in that direction for a while now. Her actions and words have left me fairly certain that this is how she wants things from now on. The idea that she’d let me go free just because is not one she’s been willing to entertain. She wants me locked up for long periods of time with only brief interludes otherwise (and those are usually for health and hygiene issues more than anything else). Bottom line is, she prefers her husband when he’s not coming and not able to touch himself.

      The idea that she’s consciously using device to modify my behavior (like you would with a muzzle on a dog or a bridle on a horse) sends a little thrill deep down to my core. But that’s my internal sub talking. The thing is, the device has stopped being a kinky sex toy since I wear it all the time and there’s no sign I’m going to be stopping any time soon. In a way, it’s become like any other mundane object of our everyday lives.

  3. Sorry about the delay in replying!

    I suspect she is doing it consciously, after all if she prefers you this way and therefore won’t relinquish control to her cock she is in effect making yours life what she wants it to be. Scary isn’t it sometimes, knowing this is now a permanent way of life, but good scary.

    I wonder what it is about you she prefers locked up?

    I confess I could not be in your place! I would miss sex far too much and it would make me angry eventually. I do like to be regularly teased, its part of what meets my need for intimacy and knowing I am cared for. Also sex is my favorite recreation and in some form I need it regularly. I get the feeling her love of keeping you locked does the same for you, meets your need for love and acknowledgement.

    1. I confess I could not be in your place! I would miss sex far too much…

      That all depends on how you define “sex” and whether or not it’s something you do with your head or your dick.

  4. Very true. It’s mostly in my head but I crave the stimulation. I can give up orgasm for long periods, but I can’t give up stimulation without getting irritable. It’s turned out to be a surprise to me as I like the fantasy of long term lock up s lot. The reality just didn’t work fr us. I still like to think about it though.

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