Month: January 2011

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Denial is a river in Egypt

The other day I mused on the subject of orgasm control vs. orgasm denial. I don’t know if I actually came out and said it that clearly, but that was the point of the post. Right now, Belle denies me orgasm (rather severely). Denial of orgasm is a form of orgasm control, of course, but it’s not at all the same thing. Orgasm control does not imply denial, though it’s a direction it could take.

ANYWAY, point being (and the point I made in my previous post) is that I firmly believe orgasm control is Right and Natural. There’s nothing kinky about it. It’s totally clear to me now that literally every man in a relationship should have his orgasm controlled by his partner (no, I’m not ignoring you gay guys, but I need to leave you out of this for clarity’s sake). I know that sounds very out there and draconian and like I know what’s best for the entire world. Can’t help it. You can disagree with me if you want, but it seems that, for a man, the act of committing himself to a woman would take on so much more significance if he was also committing one of the critical things that defined him as a man: his orgasm. Not only that, it would make it much more difficult for his partner to drift away. If he really meant it and lived up to his word, the two would be forever locked in a symbiotic feedback loop.

Yeah, like I said, out there.

Of course, there are probably a bunch of men who don’t want their orgasm controlled by anyone. That’s fine. It’s a free country. I think they’re wrong, but that’s my right, too. Everybody should be doing it this way.

I only bring it up again because it seems to have developed into a little meme. Sarah Jameson sent one of her email updates the other day on this very subject. She starts out…

Hi Thumper,

Gee, it’s like she wrote it just for me!

She continues…

I had an interesting conversation with John last night about the difference between orgasm control and orgasm denial.

Because they’re not the same thing, even though we tend to see them and talk about them as if they were.

Our conversation was prompted by a couple of emailed questions from a lady who wanted to know, in effect, what I and other women get from subjecting (or treating, depending on your perspective) our men to orgasm denial.

I honestly tried to figure out which bits I should quote with the idea that maybe she wouldn’t want me spilling the entire thing here in a public forum, but I found at the end, “Share this email with a friend or lover. Thanks.” While we’re obviously not lovers, I shall, for legal purposes, consider you all friends. For the time being, anyway. If you like what see, go to her site and sign up.

For many men… male chastity isn’t about orgasm denial… it’s about…

Orgasm Control

Of course, orgasm control then gives rise to the likelihood of orgasm denial, but it’s not always a given. I know from my inbox, many women don’t practice orgasm denial in the sense they always allow their man to come whenever they make love, but they don’t allow it at other times.

Is this orgasm denial? I wouldn’t call it that, but then I’m not the final arbiter of these things, and neither is anyone else.

To my own way of thinking orgasm denial is both more long term and more explicit, meaning we engage in lovemaking and John doesn’t get to come. To me, allowing him to come every time we made love, even if it was only when we made love, well that would be more just orgasm control.

Now many will argue these arguments and discussions are irrelevant and unimportant (and if that’s the case for you, then for you they are).

But I, think they are important, and I know many agree with me.

Why do I think they’re important?

Because to John and to other men, the distinction is very clear.

To John…

Orgasm Control is the Key

Meaning, while he loves orgasm denial for the feelings it gives him, both physical and emotional, and while his full year of orgasm denial is going to drive him up the wall with pleasure and frustration, the real deep satisfaction comes from my orgasm control.

In other words, his greater pleasure, long term, comes from knowing I am the one who gets to choose when he comes. And while if I chose to let him come every single time we played around it would probably take something away from the game, it’s also true that allowing him to come once a week, once a month, or even at random times would be just as pleasurable for him as the full year is proving to be (even though he’s not even a full month in yet).

Just food for thought, I suppose.

Fact is, for most men, at least in my experience, it’s the orgasm control not the orgasm denial that’s important, and as a woman I admit I find the former much easier to understand than the latter.

I have no idea what drives the need for orgasm denial. I think that the desire to be locked up, at least for me, eventually grows out of being denied in that it’s just easier to live when the cock has been removed from the table if I’m not going to be allowed to come anyway.

Case in point. Last night, Belle was out of town and I was feeling a little horny. Even thought it’s been almost a month since the last orgasm, yes, it was just a little. But I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t look at porn, I didn’t try to self-abuse. I didn’t do anything. Because the cock was off the table. There was no point. In the past, that would have saddened me (and it may again at some point), but for the time being, it just made everything easier. I know that, had she been gone and the cock hadn’t been locked up, I would have spent a great deal of time playing with it. Not being able to was a great relief. It’s taken me more than two years to think that way and it’s required a total commitment on my part to Belle’s control (and denial) of my orgasm.

The second part of my mini-meme theme is from a new blog, Delving into Deviance. It’s written from a dominant woman’s POV and includes a post called “Orgasm Control”.

Fuck toy and I enjoy control, but I don’t like putting him in chastity for too long because I enjoy his orgasms and I enjoy riding him for ages and then coming together. In fact, for his impending birthday I’m going to make him come till it hurts, and that’s a very exciting idea.

That’s the flip-side of orgasm control, obviously. Over orgasming. That sounds fun, too.

However, all of these are things that he can do with me. He’s not going to be allowed to come on his own anymore. That isn’t to say that he’ll come any less often or that he won’t be allowed to watch porn. Just that his orgasms always have to happen with me. Being so intimately tied in with his sexual pleasure will be fun. Just as Thumper’s said, I have no problem with men’s masturbatory habits generally. Masturbation isn’t a problem or anything. And sometimes, if I’m sleepy, I may allow him to simply masturbate beside me as I snuggle up to him. But always sharing that moment will, I think, be rather magical and deepen his submission.

Sometimes he won’t be allowed to come, and there will certainly be plenty of times that he doesn’t get to come as soon as he’d like too (I love edging). However, realistically, most days he will have an orgasm because I enjoy watching him in that moment. I love his face, his noises, his surrender. It’s beautiful.

In the beginning, when for me this game was all about denial, a dynamic like this would have been very unsatisfying. Now, though, I think I could live indefinitely as described above. I’m not asking or suggesting Belle change anything, but like I said, I am now totally and completely committed to Belle owning my orgasm. I will come whenever and however she lets me and I’ll be thankful for it. I won’t push for any specific duration and I won’t be disappointed, regardless.

I want to be tortured, and I want to be made to squirm, and I want to be pushed, but more than any of that, I want Belle to always control my orgasm. Always. Because that’s how it should be.

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A token’s worth

The good news is I didn’t lose control of myself yesterday. Yes, there was good deal of self-abuse and I enjoyed myself very much, but I never quite crossed the line into orgasm. I got right up to the line, but didn’t tumble over.

The interesting bit regarding that is the internal conversation that takes place in the moment of trying to stop whatever it is I’m doing in time to avoid the inevitable. It’s like, “I’m getting really close, I’m getting really close, I’mgettingreallyclose…STOP! Stop, stop, stop!!” And everything grinds to a halt. But in those moments of “I’m getting really close” recognition, there’s this other voice interjecting it’s own agenda.

“I’m getting really close.”

“Yeah, so?”

“I’m getting reeeally close.”

“I know. It’s no big deal. You can go further.”

“I’m getting really, really, really close!”

“OK, just think for a minute. Should you stop? I mean, honestly? Imagine how good it’ll feel if…”

“STOP! Stop, stop, stop!!”

“Goddamn it.”

The ancient reptile part of my brain conspires with whichever little bits of my higher brain are against this whole orgasm denial thing – not in order to talk me out of stopping, but to distract me for just a tiny bit at the end when I’m so close that even a second’s worth of dithering will mean I go over the falls and squirt violently all over the place. I was there four or five times yesterday but it wasn’t until the last two that things got dangerous. Both times I stopped in time to avoid the internal fireworks, but not in time to avoid ejaculation. So, if nothing else, I’m well milked.

Having the cock as a member of my little party was highly unusual. I’d pull up just in time and look down at it all shiny and slick and it, in turn, looked back up. It doesn’t have a face, but it’s distain for me was apparent.

“Oh, just fucking do it, already!” Throb. Squirt. Throb. Bob.

But no. I didn’t. I did exactly what I was allowed to do and no more. And before anyone thinks of ripping me a new one for my prolonged masturbatory indulgence, remember I had permission.

Afterward, I took a shower and decided it would be best if I put the Steelheart back on, but the 5:00 hot spot I talked about yesterday was still pretty hot. Belle inspected the situation last night before sleep and said she’d give it another 24 hours to heal. I enjoyed my freedom and still hope she might want to take advantage of the situation for herself somehow, but honestly, the distraction of having a cock I can reach down and touch, with real hard erections and everything, is almost too much for me to handle. I will be grateful to be shut off from it again.

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Hot spots

Imagine we’re facing each other and I’m naked. Yes, I know, it’d be an incredibly surprising situation for either of us to be in, but I’ve put us there to help illustrate something.

So, we’re facing each other and I’m naked. If you were to look at the cock (go ahead, look – Belle won’t mind), you might be able to see, in about the 10:00 position, a irritated line about an inch long curving around the top of the scrotum. Also, down below (where you can’t see, unless you ask me to lift my balls) is another little spot at about the 5:00 position. Both of these were caused by the Jail Bird’s tight ring. I switched back to the Steelheart but was only able to wear it for a day until those two hot spots forced me out. They hurt.

Interestingly, they appeared after I had been able to wear the JB for a week. I had started to get used to it’s insistent grip so that at night, when all the plumbing is at it’s highest pressure, the bad kind of pain was starting to wane. I had thought I’d be able to wear it until whenever I get the new tube for the Steelheart, but alas, it was not to be. I probably didn’t keep the ring lubricated well enough.

In any event, Belle’s let me out until I’m better or Thursday, whichever comes first. She goes to San Francisco to hang out with her best friend for the weekend. I won’t be left unlocked, of course. Until then, she said she’d check the hot spots every night and, if they looked better, put me back in. Regardless, I go in when she leaves. It’s a nice feeling, that kind of attention to my well-being.

I’m stuck at home today for mundane reasons and, before she left, Belle told me I could consider myself gifted with the Token. That is, I’m allowed to pleasure myself however I want (short of orgasm, naturally). Problem is, there are people in the house doing work at the moment so I’m unable to partake. Also, unlike every other time she’s let me have at myself, this time I have free meat. I’m not sure she’s thought that permission through all the way. I don’t want to come and wouldn’t plan on doing so, but accidents happen, especially in the heat of the moment.

Maybe the strangers hanging around is a good thing.

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Pillow talk

It went something like this…

“I’m horny.”

“I know.”

He grinds into her, pressing the steel cage between their bodies.

“It’s been a long time.”

“A long time?! It’s only been…what? Two and a half weeks?”

Whimper.

“You’ve gone far longer than that, haven’t you?”

Quietly, “Yes.”

The cock in the cage swells.

“You’ve got a long time more to wait.”

Quietly, “I know.”

“Two weeks is a long time for a normal man, but you’re not normal, are you?”

“No.”

“No. You’re more…evolved. Aren’t you?”

Whimper.

“You don’t need to come as often as regular men. Two weeks. That’s nothing for you, is it?”

“No.”

The cock is pretty hard now, but stifled in its prison. Her cock, not his. Right where she wants it to be.

“Maybe you’re getting weak. Maybe we need to push you to new feats of endurance.”

Whimper.

“Stop whining.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He kisses her on her lips. Her full, warm, lips – redolent of all the things he wants but will not get. Not that night.

“Good boy. Now, I’ll let you give me an orgasm.”

“Thank you.”

Whimper (inside).

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HNThumper XXVIII: Caged

One of the things I wanted to know before we got the Jail Bird is how it looked when its contents were stimulated. I had visions of the little side vent holes from the CB6K where flesh looked like extruded Play-Doh pushing though. Not so sexy. Also, more than a little painful at time.

Turns out, it doesn’t look at all like that at all. For those of you who don’t have a Jail Bird (a number that seems to be getting smaller every day), and thanks to the wonders of HNT technology (combined with my alarming lack modesty), you can see for yourself.

Continue reading “HNThumper XXVIII: Caged”

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Talk radio

Chastity Forums member pamdipot sent me a heads up that a local sports talk radio station had a segment regarding male chastity on yesterday. Yes, it turned out about as horribly as you might expect.

Click here to listen.

Ugh.

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Mixed nuts

Over the weekend, Belle let me share a few of her orgasms. Both times I used Pink and both seemed to be really good for her. Pink, by the way, showed up again. We thought we lost her (and why we call a vibrator “her” is beyond me, but that’s what Belle calls her) and ordered a replacement Pink then the old one turned up in a bag of other toys. So now we have two. I’d like to use both at the same time on her, but the opportunity hasn’t presented itself.

In any event, as I was saying, Belle came twice over the weekend. The first one was an unusual morning event on Saturday. I had been pretty worked up the night before and couldn’t sleep so I spent time consuming porn on the iPad. There are more and more iOS-friendly porn sites around now and I’ve found the iPad to be an almost perfect porn consumption device. So yeah, obviously, when you’re too horny to sleep the first thing you should do watch porn, especially when there’s nothing you can do to relieve yourself. But that’s what happens more often than not. A few hours later, after the sun came up, I was feeling Belle come and the cage straining. All that day I felt little burps of precum leak out, no doubt formed the night before and that morning. It’s a weird sensation to be sitting at a table doing something innocent and then feel a slug of clear fluid work its way past my perineum and down the cock.

After she came, I told her how much I wanted to fuck her. I say those things to her not in the hope that she’ll let me, but because I love to hear her tell me I can’t. If she ever did unlock me and let me have at her after I said something like that, I’d probably feel bad. But hearing her say I’m not going to, not for a long time, that I’m not allowed and am in exactly the place I should be, locked and horny and dripping and…and…

Woof.

This is the game we play, right? The “oh god I want to so bad (but not really)” game. I mean, I really do do want to fuck her, but more than that, I want her to tell me I can’t. I want to feel the desire flame and burn in me. I want to feel that I have no control over my own sex. She knows it, I know it. We play the game. It’s pretty awesome, actually.

For whatever reason, I asked her if I could change into the Jail Bird. I wanted to see if I could wear it for the weekend and, when that went OK, I left it on. I’m trying to see if I can tolerate it for a week. So far, so good. Half the nights, it’s been so tight as to wake me up with moderate testicle pain, but the other half of the time, I’ve slept right though it. I think this has more to do with the relative intensity of my nocturnal erections more than anything else. Last night I got up because it was pretty painful only to find everything was so tightly packed I couldn’t even squeeze any piss out. It helps me in moments like those of pain or discomfort to recall her words. I am as she wants me to be. I am how I’m supposed to be. She thinks it’s good for me. And I’m not getting out.

In Steelheart news, I sent my original, larger cuff ring back to Dietmar in the Fatherland in order to fit a smaller tube to it. Both my rings are identical, so what fits the big one will fit the small one, too. It’s totally counter intuitive, but smaller cages seem to make more comfortable chastity devices. The JB is difficult to wear, but the actual cage portion, while significantly smaller than the SH tube, feels really good. Also lighter and easier to carry around in my pants all day. The bitey ring and odd spacing aren’t fun, but the cage is great. I’m really looking forward to getting the smaller SH tube, even though it’ll set us back another $300. We have quite the collection now.

Mailbag
I received the following via the feedback page:

Thanks so much for your really informative website. I am using a CB6000 (started a week ago,) and I really devoured your “tips and tricks”

It has been my biggest fantasy for about 18 years (I’m 36) and I’m so grateful that my wife is happy to give it a try. I am in London, England.

I know you are very busy with your work, your blogs and other things, I wanted to briefly share my first-time experiences and I had a couple of questions to ask you, though, if you had the time. If not, thanks anyway for the all the great blogposts.

I feel kinda bad since this came in during my recent quiet period. I’ve been meaning to get back to him…

Of course the first thing that hits you is the reality that this will require a lot of “getting used to” and working out the right sizes, how to clean, lubricate, etc. On the whole, though, I’m surprised how comfortable it has been.

After fiddling for a few hours, I got it on the first time, with the largest ring. No great discomfort, put it on in the evening, went through the night without any terrible pain. I started with the largest ring and longest spacer. Took it off in the morning.

Went back on the next evening, and stayed on for 72 hours straight, this time went down one ring size. The first night I only slept for a couple of hours (I work v late once a week), but the next 2 nights have been agony, exactly as you described. About 3 times of waking up, really bad pain in all the places you said. I don’t have any problem with my chastity entailing pain & discomfort, but I can’t make it stop whatever position I change in bed.

As soon as I get up and even sit on the toilet (without even urinating) my body kinda “gets the message” and the nocturnal erection dies down. I read what you wrote about the body eventually getting to this etc.

Very familiar. I don’t know how it is for everyone, but I find, even in the Steelheart which is, overall, a very comfortable device and one my body’s grown accustomed to, that I still experience moderate discomfort from time to time. It was much worse with the CB6K and the JB can be quite painful, but there never exists a time when I’m totally comfortable. That’s just how it is.

The question is, how much is too much for you? I found over time that either my body adjusted so what was painful stopped being that way or I just developed a tolerance for it and didn’t feel it as much. Once that happened, I’d push on to smaller rings or spacers. Personally, I like how a tight, close-fitting device feels over a loose one than drops down.

1. My question is, do you think I should go back to the largest ring for the night? I intend to move another size down, to the third largest ring, for daily wear soon – should i persevere through the night with the same ring size as day?

I persevered. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t always fun, but I just pushed on through. It did get better. Make sure you’re reasonably lubed up at night. That’ll help reduce the burn. You could use a larger ring at night, but the swapping back and forth would, I think, get tiresome after a while.

2. Have you ever come across people having a stomach pain with this? When i get an erection in the CB6000, i feel a strong ache in my stomach, near the waist, at the front. It feels like i have pulled a muscle, or have some kind of cramp, not deep inside, like from digestion, but a muscular thing. As soon as the erection is gone, that pain is gone, too. Is that something you’ve felt / heard of?

Yes, I’ve experienced that early on. Not anymore, that I can recall. Can’t remember when it seemed to go away. Or maybe it’s just one of those things I don’t feel anymore. It seems likely that the pain is caused by the fact that what’s normally sticking about six inches outside your body is now being forced to stay inside. It may be that things rearrange themselves eventually or certain bits stretch out, but at least for me, it got better.

BTW if this works out, quite high on the “to-do-list” is to fill the ventholes with something, and to see if i can buy a CB6000S cage.

As I said above, I think smaller cages are better. I’d definitely think about that. I never filled in the vent holes, though I know some who have.

Thanks so much for your time

No problem!

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Just don’t

During my recent week of ridiculous orgasmic bliss, while laying in bed with Belle enjoying the afterglow of maybe the second or third she had let me pull out of myself and onto my hand and stomach, I said something to the effect that all orgasms should be like that. That is, enjoyed in the company of one’s partner.

In the moment – that dopey, sleepy, unfocused moment – it seemed so right. So natural. It was one of those “everybody should be doing it this way” kind of epiphanic visions that those of us who fuck around with our hormones experience from time to time. If the time comes when Belle and I no longer use chastity devices, I think this will be a permanent modification of our lifestyle. It seems like I’ll only ever come with her knowledge and/or permission from now on.

I realize this is skating pretty close to the point of view that it’s men’s “addiction” to masturbation that drives couples apart. I still don’t buy that. Men are not addicted to masturbation. Saying that is like saying they’re addicted to breathing or eating when they get hungry. A man’s reproductive system and the motivation behind his need to orgasm are totally different than a woman’s. It’s kinda like that candy production line Lucy and Ethel worked on where the chocolate keeps coming out, forever and ever, no matter what they do. With age, the line might slow down a bit or even stop, but for the majority of a man’s life, that line just keeps on chugging, driving the desire for release, piling up little chocolates that need to be wrapped.

We know what happens when that cycle is tampered with. I’ve been trying to describe it for the past 2+ years on this blog and I still can’t fully relate what it’s like, but the net result of letting that natural desire for release build (and then attaching it to your partner’s pleasure) can lead to relationship-altering benefits. It’s not all sugar and fairy dust, to be sure, but then again, nothing ever is.

So anyway, back to my moment. I saw that absent a device and absent the partner’s control over the release, another way this could work (and perhaps work just as well) would be to always – and I mean always – come in the company of your partner. Just don’t ever let yourself fall into the lazy trap of disconnecting sexual pleasure from your partner. That’s what happens when men become “addicted” to masturbation. They and their partner allow them (consciously or not) to take the path of least resistance and, after time, a groove gets carved into their brain and it becomes the main way they achieve the release that’s always building within.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Just don’t let it. Just don’t come without them. I guarantee you they will be thrilled by the idea. You don’t need to bring D/s or chastity or any of the “weird kinky shit” into the conversation. Just tell them you never want to have another sexually pleasurable moment without them ever again. They’ll melt.