6/24/182.5

So, yeah, six months. That’s what we’re doing now. What’s up with that?

A casual observer will claim this is topping from the bottom. I suggested it to Belle so, therefore, I’m a bottomtopper (or whatever). In fact, it was a suggestion. I brought it up but also made clear to her that it was nothing more than a suggestion that she could decide to disregard or modify or whatever.

The logic in favor was pretty simple. She likes me better when I don’t come and am locked in the device. I like me better that way, too. So, why not see what would happen if I was put into an essentially orgasmless existence. No coming and no chance that I would at all for a long time. That’s an interesting element since the way she’s handled me before now, there was always at any time a chance she’d let me come. Now, according to her, I will not be coming – no chance – until mid-September. Will that change how I behave? Knowing that nothing I can do will grant me relief? That was one of the things she made me agree to before making the final decision that this was what we were doing. She’s going to hold me to the six month term absolutely.

There are downsides, of course, and mostly for her. She likes to fuck me. It will be very difficult to do that for any extended period if she’s really serious about not letting me come. Also, she seems to like letting me have orgasms. Not frequently, of course, but she enjoys seeing me enjoy them. So, committing to this means she will be sacrificing, too.

For me, this is about taking things to their logical extremities and seeing how that works. Truth is, I still do like to come. The moment of orgasm is utterly fantastic and, especially when they come so infrequently, totally universe exploding for me. I come so hard now that it feels like I’m turning inside out from the effort. Icy tingles run over my scalp and down my back. Probably the most intensely pleasurable sensations I’ve felt. Those measly little squirts over the bathroom sink I used to give myself with regular frequency aren’t even the same species of what I feel now.

But, everything else that I feel is so much more exiting and just plain better when I don’t get to come. Those nuclear orgasms are really great, but they happen so fast. Once I know I’m going to get to have them, it takes just one or two minutes for me to get there and then they’re totally spent in about ten seconds. In exchange for maybe five or ten minutes of bliss (including the post orgasmic drunkenness), I get hours and days and weeks and months of craving it. Constant tension and expectation and dripping precum. I don’t know if you’re like me, but when I fix myself on something I want, I find that wanting it is almost better than getting it. The actual obtaining of my desires is often (though not always) a bit of a let down. I’m sure there’s a clinical description of this phenomenon and I’m also sure it’s managed by brain chemistry. What I’m not clear on is if it’s a universal behavior or if it’s only present in some people (and if its presence makes one more likely to kink on orgasm denial).

So, I have essentially three questions I hope this experiment will answer:

  • Are longer, extended periods of one kind of mostly low-intensity pleasure (orgasm denial and craving) in exchange for incredibly short yet powerful bursts of pleasure more or less satisfying?
  • How does removal of any hope of orgasm change how I feel and act while being denied?
  • Is there a point of diminishing returns after which continued denial is actually detrimental?

Let’s just say that the answer to the first question is, yes, I a find long-term orgasmless existence more satisfying than infrequent yet occasional orgasms. Plus, let’s say that removal of any prospect of coming does nothing to abate the behavioral benefits Belle and I both recognize as the result of not coming and that extending the denial for a really long time doesn’t have its own adverse results. Would we be able to logically conclude that I don’t ever need to come again? If Belle could accept the changes that would mean to her preferred lifestyle, could this mean I actually do start living an absolutely orgasm-free life (or one that’s essentially so because they’d occur with extreme infrequency and probably accidentally)?

The answer to these questions can only be found in the fullness of time. Also, the answers might not matter if Belle decides that she’d still rather see me come every once in a while. While a lot of this territory feels like ground we’ve already covered, the big difference now is that I’m aware that this is a two person arrangement. While it is, obviously, about me, it’s only partly so. Wherever this experiment takes us, it has to work for us both.

12 thoughts on “6/24/182.5

  1. I love it when you talk about logical extremeties… and you’re talking about your (and Belle’s) orgasms. It might be just human to desire more, when you can’t get it. That is the reason I ended up cheating in my earlier relationship. The chase for something I thought couldn’t be obtained – but then it could and it was a let down. I recognize the need, still, but I know now that there’s nothing to be gained from it. Also when it comes to my higher libido against Wonderboy’s: it’s no use begging for it, because I’ll only enjoy it thoroughly, if he really wants it. Measly is the right word for it, otherwise.

    I still do feel I get emotionally too dependant and tearful if I don’t also pleasure myself. It also feels like I forget how to get off. Maybe it’s a physical difference? Though, now that I think about it, I remember you having similar troubles at one point? But it’s not very fulfilling to either one of us, if I can’t get off.

    Didn’t you have a while somewhere along the road, when you actually did have a sub-drop from knowing you weren’t going to get any? Seems to me you’ve changed immensely from that, if I even remember right, but do you feel that’s changed? (What’s changed?)

    Do you really think what you did could constitute as bottomtopping? You haven’t lost your right to voice your opinion or ask for something, have you? It’s just the same thing I’m always tackling with: how and what can I ask for, if I’m supposed to be submitting? I think the best and maybe the only way is to ask and let the other one (not saying top, here!) decide, as you did.

    1. Didn’t you have a while somewhere along the road, when you actually did have a sub-drop from knowing you weren’t going to get any? Seems to me you’ve changed immensely from that, if I even remember right, but do you feel that’s changed? (What’s changed?)

      After a while, and depending on our activity and the basic ebb and flow of hormones and life, I’ll experience a subdrop. It’s inevitable and I know that now. I no longer think I’m on an ever-rising swell of excitement. There will be ups and downs. I do not know, yet, how knowing I’m still 3 or 4 months away from any kind of orgasm will change how I deal with those.

      1. I no longer think I’m on an ever-rising swell of excitement.

        This made me smile. Sounds good. Sounds exactly like what the cool, harmonius guy at the gym told me. “There’s only so much you can do with eating and working out. After that you just have to deal. You’re never going to be Arnold.” Seriously, this somparison makes sense!

        Maybe a subdrop won’t be so frightening anymore? If it won’t make you reconsider the whole deal, it’s really just what it is: a bad day or a week. Everyone has those.

        (But sometimes I do think you hope you’re on a ever-rising swell of excitement. Don’t you? :))

  2. Thumper,

    I also will not be coming for at least six months. February 18th was the last time. My wife has decided to ration them 10 to 1. Every 10 for her permits me 1 – if she decides. If our present pace holds I will not be coming again until August or September. And then, I might get another one before the year ends. Just last night she casually mentioned upping the ratio to 20 to 1.

    We still fuck quite a bit. She makes me “release” inside her with a ruined orgasm if I cannot control myself long enough. We have gotten good at having me do that without any of that explosiveness that comes with a true orgasm. It is frustrating beyond belief.

    I do go through moments where I wonder why I should “be good” when there’s no hope for an orgasm anytime soon, then I remember it’s not about me.

    Good luck!

    Michael

  3. I don’t think its topping from the bottom if it is what you agree together, nothing wrong in making suggestions.. I guess my main observation is why a time frame? If she enjoys you cumming then it is her enjoyment, not yours which is a side effect of hers that is the key? If you set a time frame and don’t make it does that make you a failure or make you feel bad? I hope you enjoy whatever happens. All the best.

    1. I actually *don’t* think I was topping from below, though similar activity by me in the past has been described by some as exactly that. Based on how I presented the idea and my intentions for doing it, my conscience is clear.

      It’s true that she enjoys me coming, but it’s also true she likes me when I don’t. That’s why I was clear with her that I understood the trade-off implicit in idea. She would be sacrificing something if we were to do this. Will she end up thinking the sacrifice was worth it in the end? We’ll see.

      If we don’t make it, I wouldn’t see that as a failure. Unless it was my fault. If she decides half way in that she wants to stop, I won’t be traumatized. I’m not sure that’s going to happen, though. She seems pretty committed.

      1. I hope it works out for you, I am damn sure I couldn’t go that long… CQ does have plans for longer cycles because as you so rightly put it, she likes me a whole lot more when I don’t cum and she does like the sexy look of the device too!

  4. Well said, Thumper. It is ALWAYS a two person arrangement. To think otherwise is fantasy (or potentially abusive, depending on how it plays out). The strictest top is still responsible for care of the bottom. The bottom is also responsible to the top – not only to submit, but to communicate and let the top know where they’re at, physically and emotionally.

    I always appreciate your thoughtful posts.

    Now I’m going to go read Rogue Bambi’s blog, because I too am one of those freakish chicks with a higher libido than my man has. :-/

    1. Welcome, Kiki, though I have little in the way of solace. And I’m not playing with chastity. On purpose anyway. 🙂

      Ps. I don’t really think it’s freakish at all!

      1. I’m not playing with chastity either. That was two months ago and my partner is indicating that he isn’t that into it right now.

        The reason I think it is “freakish” is that I am constantly being told that “men want it all the time” and “men always want sex more than women” etc etc ad nauseum. This is simply not the case in my relationship. Most of the time I am ok with this, but sometimes it really, really gets to me and I feel undesirable and sad.

        What you said about “if he’s not into it then it’s no good for me” really resonated. So I look forward to checking out your blog. We’re not a BDSM couple (although we do play that way occasionally, we are both switches). Sometimes I think it would be easier if we were more official about it. Because, the fact of the matter is that the one who wants it less is in charge. Period, end of sentence. And I have no desire to be in chastity, to be denied. It’s not hot for me.

        Anyway, this isn’t my blog so I will shut up now. Thanks for the response.

  5. I suggested it to Belle so, therefore, I’m a bottomtopper (or whatever). In fact, it was a suggestion. I brought it up but also made clear to her that it was nothing more than a suggestion that she could decide to disregard or modify or whatever.

    This is why I’ve pretty much distanced myself from the entire d/s paradigm. It’s perfectly fine for you to suggest something that sounds interesting because you are part of a relationship. It’s perfectly acceptable to do things that work for the both of you.

    “Honey, I’d like to…” is not topping, it’s communicating. Why do some people have such a difficult time with this?

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