Catching up on some mailbag items…
Thanks for a great website. I am about to start a long time in a CB-6000 with PA cable on Thursday.
I do have an odd question for you….
I need to wear an athletic cup for sparing in martial arts. I know I can get the cup over the device but I suspect if I actually get kicked, the device and cup will work together to rack my balls badly. Any advice on this? (I wear the cup to prevent damage to my balls… I can handle some pain… I THINK!)
I know for a fact that one can wear these devices during physical activities, but I wouldn’t wear one while participating in a contact sport. A device ties all the squishy bits together in a way they weren’t designed so that as one part moves in one direction during a hit and another part might move in an opposite direction, they’re forced to move together and that might be bad. Especially if you’ve got a cable running through the whole set up that fixes the end of your penis in place with a ring that’s been punched through your urethra. Man. I get creeped out just thinking about it.
The cup might offer some measure of protection, I suppose, but if it’s like ones I’ve worn there won’t be much room in it for all the extra plastic. If it were me, I’d figure out a way to take it off while kicking and being kicked.
I have recently found your blog about male chastity, actually, I have recently found out about male chastity. I have been looking for a way to spice up my marriage a little. I have been married to a great wife for 14 years now, 3 kids and the spice is not what it used to be. We are both just starting to get back into wanting sex more. Although, she likes missionary only.
I am researching this as much as I can and like to talk with normal people that are doing this and what I can learn from them. Bringing this up to her and getting her to go along with this will be difficult, so wondering if you have any suggestions.
If you’re asking about how to approach her, I’m not a very good resource. I don’t really have a strategy because when I first found out about enforced chastity I immediately shared it with Belle and we were on our way. We were in a particular place in our relationship where I felt comfortable sharing this interest with her. The best advice I have would be to explain that normal people really do do this. Really. Yes, it’s kinky, but not like taped up hamsters. It’s pretty tame, actually.
If you’re looking for things to share with her, I more or less think Sarah Jameson’s stuff is pretty good. That’s not a bad place to start. She puts things in a way that might appeal to the average woman and, as long as you can see through her submissive male bigotry, is reasonably practical. Obviously, I think the stuff Tom’s written is another great resource. Belle in particular has appreciated his point of view. Don’t forget Dev, either! I also think the gang over at the Chastity Forums are pretty levelheaded. That’s another good place for you to go as you figure out a strategy on how to move forward with your wife. Finally, I’m asking others to add their two bits and/or links in the comments. I know there are smart people reading this who could help.
I read your blog because you are an honest writer. You don’t pull punches or shy away from topics that um, well might embarrass others. However, having said that, you may not want to tackle the subject I am about so ask you to write about, because it’s so full of emotional, political, and even religious focus. The subject is homosexuality versus bisexuality. I have commented before that I find the idea of gay male sex a real turn on, but I have never felt a “man crush” for any man. Conversely, I have had many a crush on woman that don’t physically turn me on.
I also am one of the many guys that finds lesbian sex a huge turn on, but other then the fact that its usually two very attractive woman doing things that I like to do with a woman, I don’t know why it turns me on. Just watching two beautiful women kiss drives me crazy. And although two guys can talk about lesbian sex with zero social stigma, you rarely hear two guys talk about gay male sex. Kind of a double standard there, I think.
So, that double standard got me to thinking that bi-sexuality might not have the “falling in love crush” attached to it, but rather is simply physical pleasure derived from both the physical act and the “taboo” nature of the act. (not unlike anal sex for some). The hardcore homosexual organizations talk about bisexuals as a cop out or as an out right denial of sexual identity. And mostly they take this position for political reasons. They seem to be saying “We’ve worked so hard to get our rights established in the law, we don’t want any of you fence sitters screwing it up, come out or shut up.” That’s why I think that bisexuals get this horrible rap of being confused or closet homosexuals. I call bullshit on that. I’m not confused, I like the same kind of sex that homosexuals do. I just don’t feel like I could fall in love with someone and have a “pair bonded” relationship with them. Thank god there is strap-on sex…the closes thing I’ll ever get to gay male sex!
Help me explain this better can you?
I spent many years of my life essentially paralyzed by my seemingly contradictory impulses with regard to sex. I kept trying to find a paradigm I could fit myself into and it just wasn’t there. By the time I decided to stop obsessing and get on with things, I was approaching thirty. I lost most of my twenties, sexually speaking. It is a waste of fucking time.
Fact is, people are going to feel how they’re going to feel. Kinsey nailed it back in the Forties with his scale. Human sexuality is a fluid continuum that simply cannot be diced into orderly blocks to suit anyone’s moral preferences. We are all born this way, to one degree or another, as are many other animals. There is no right answer and its society’s problem that this isn’t recognized and accepted, not ours.
I’ve recently started reading a book called Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality. Here’s a snippet from the Amazon description:
Like the typewriter and the light bulb, the heterosexual was invented in the 1860s and swiftly and permanently transformed Western culture. The idea of “the heterosexual” was unprecedented. After all, men and women had been having sex, marrying, building families, and sometimes even falling in love for millennia without having any special name for their emotions or acts. Yet, within half a century, “heterosexual” had become a byword for “normal,” enshrined in law, medicine, psychiatry, and the media as a new gold standard for human experience.
I recommend you check it out! It’s an eye-opener.
The following came from a comment to another post.
This is from http://chastewench.blogspot.com/ and has nothing to do with your recent post, but it does describe my exact situation and I hate it! Any suggestions you might have that would smooth out the ups and downs?
Various blogs suggest that the way to motivate a man is to keep him desperate. It’s so scarily true.
A few days of tease and denial and I’m ready to do anything the Empress of my cock says. Yet once I’m sated it’s difficult to relate to why I was so malleable and so desperate to be dominated. It’s like looking at another person, one you don’t quite get, and finding yourself a little shocked by their antics. Thinking ‘was that really me?’
The peculiar thing is the more I’m denied, and the nastier she is, the more I crave submission, discipline, humiliation, abuse, pain. The desire to be dominated builds and builds. The constant forfeit of control and state of excitement is so addictive. Crazy as it sounds it’s almost as if the more she denies me the more a part of me wants it to continue. The more I sink into submission.
Then she lets me cum and then buzz is gone. I’m left bemused, shaking my head at my own behaviour. Having to remind myself that I signed a contract, try to rationalise putting the chastity belt back on, when I no longer really want to be locked away, I’m no longer in the mood. Then with a snap of the lock the ride starts all over again.
So, so familiar with that particular ride, as would be anyone who’s found themselves locked up for more than a single play session. It gets to the question of what is a true submissive. If one only feels that way after being denied (or feels it much more strongly), then is that person a real sub? Honestly, I leave that question to others to decide. For Chaste Wench and for me and for many others (maybe even you), we like that eventual feeling of profound submission. The part where you can’t get enough of whatever she’s dishing out. As far as I’m concerned, you need at least a seed of submission in you somewhere for it to grow, but really, if it feels good, who cares?.
The cratering of desire for all this chastity play after orgasm can’t be helped (assuming it’s a pleasurable orgasm). It’s chemical. Once you come and the brain releases its happy juice into your bloodstream, it snuffs out the other chemicals that drive the need to be locked and disciplined and abused. There really is no way around it, other than either always ruining the guy’s orgasm or never ever letting him have another (which is rife with its own set of issues). After the spurt, you feel kind of embarrassed for ever wanting to wear the thing in the first place and wonder what all the hubbub was about. If you have a blog like this one, you go back and read things that, even though you wrote them, you have a hard time feeling.
Personally, my advice would be to enjoy the ride. When it’s up, it’s the best fucking thing in the word (or at least feels that way). When it’s down, you simply need to take solace in the fact that, given time and a secure device, all will feel right in the world eventually. For me, assuming it’s just one orgasm, that’s about 2-3 days. Hardly any time at all!
9 thoughts on “Mailbag”
The roller coaster isn’t just for folks in chastity/denial, although I imagine the particular neurochemical cocktail going on there makes it even more intense. I switch, and have had weeks in which there’s one day when I want to beat the crap out of someone who worships me and another day when I’m almost literally aching to kneel and be collared. It’s a *very* weird feeling to look back at one from the other; when I’m deep in either headspace, I can’t imagine genuinely wanting the other one. It’s honestly frightening, and has led to some very serious “What if I don’t want to go back?” conversations with one of my partners, but in the end I do keep switching and everything keeps being all right.
This is why it’s useful to have the concept of “bisexual and bi-romantic.” That is, there are people who find the idea of sex with a same-sex partner erotically compelling, but can’t imagine being in a relationship or falling in love with a same sex partner.
However, it’s important to note that there are many bisexuals who are BOTH bisexual AND bi-romantic — I’m one of them. I have the capacity to feel BOTH sexual AND romantic attraction to partners of either sex.
So, this commenter and I are both bisexual, but only one of us is bi-romantic.
Many people who are bisexual but not bi-romantic identify as straight or feel that they’re “not really bisexual.” How they choose to identify, of course, is totally up to them. But one thing I think is important to examine is whether not being able to imagine yourself being in a relationship with a same sex partner is organic to you, or just a result of societal pressures. It could be either one.
That’s an excellent point. I am sexually attracted to men and enjoy having sex with them, but seem incapable of having any kind of relationship with one.
Thumper, Thanks for the tip on the book. Lily, I never thought about bi-romantic, it makes complete sense. I guess the best advice is forget about the labels and just enjoy the product! I’ve got to stop thinking like a scientist and just let it be.
@Just-Playing Thinking about and trying to unpack your sexuality is a Good Thing. Remember, all the thinking you don’t do about your sexuality your partner has to do for you. 🙂
Well, the first problem is that you’re hanging around places like this, looking for normal people. 🙂
Here’s an idea: Back when Mrs. Edge and I were dating (living apart), there were a few times that we’d mess around, and I’d give her an orgasm, maybe by oral, maybe with my fingers. Then I’d get ready to go home, telling her that I wanted to “save it up” until our next date. That used to make her pretty hot for the next few days. You might start off with something liek that to see if the concept is even interesting to her.
Don’t forget – you’ve been thinking about it, but her own perception on denial or control might be different.
Also, I’ve read Sarah’s book, and I really do think it’s a good approach. It was very difficult to sit down with Mrs. Edge a few years ago to talk about such things, but ultimately, you have to keep in mind that the both of you are invested in the marriage, and ideally have equal motivation for keeping it together.
Thumper, thanks. I appreciate your thoughts and help and I will do my best to learn how to enjoy the ride.
fwiw ~~ I think we are all on a x,y, z scale caught between homo & hetero sexuality and dominant or submissive I think all those intersect at differing points depending upon situation and people. And, like you, don’t fret it and enjoy the ride.
About the bisexual/homosexual thing:
I feel that the English language has a profound lack in this specific case. Other languages (that in many ways can be concidered inferior to English, otherwise) has the solution, or so I personally believe. It’s said by someone that words define how we think. If you can’t say it, you can’t think it. Perhaps this explanation will help your thinking. 😛
There is a difference, to me (a Norwegian), between a bisexual and a biphile. If you know your ethymology, you know that “phile” means love. This lets me differentiate between someone you fall in love with and someone you get turned on by and want to fuck. I believe it’s perfectly possible to be for example homophile (only falling in love with people of your gender), whilst being bisexual (being aroused by both genders). Or for that matter heterosexual (only being turned on by the oposite gender), but biphile (falling in love with both genders, but in this case only being aroused by one of them).
Ofcourse this is only my interpretation of how humans work. I might be wrong, as humans are very complex beings. But this explanation works for me. I’m hetrophile, but bisexual. So I don’t mind fucking other women, but I’ve never fallen in love with anyone who wasn’t male.