I have a couple friends with whom, regardless of time apart, I can fall into conversation with as if we did it every day. One is the boy I kinda sorta dated during high school and after who ended up being the best man in my wedding and the other is a friend I met though work twenty-some years ago (and to even be able to write a sentence with that kind of time span in it freaks me out). Last night, she was in town on business. It happens somewhat infrequently, but we ended up having a lot of one-on-one time. I suppose I should come up with a name for her, but I can’t think of anything at the moment so she’s just “her.”
So anyway, we spent a lot of time taking about our personal lives and how they’ve evolved over the years. Both of us happened to fall in love with married people at about the same time, though the outcomes were very different, so there was much catching up and comparing of experiences. Also, after I first moved to this city, I wrote a lot. I did this because I was an angst-filled youth in a new town with no friends and not even a TV. There was time, so I wrote. Not unlike how I write now, but that was all fiction while none of this is. I used to send it to her to read back then. This was, of course, before the internet. We’re talking wood pulp marked with petroleum-based ink being manhandled by government workers.
In any event, she asked me a couple times if I still wrote and I gave sort of mumbling noncommittal answers. She even suggested I was writing in secret which was either very perceptive or a lucky guess, but she eventually pressed me by saying, “You don’t even have a blog or anything?”
“Oh, I have a blog.” What? How are you going to explain this, bunny boy?
I guess I thought I’d just say it was secret and leave it at that, but over the years we had shared very personal details about ourselves and she was having none of it. She wanted to know what it was about and why was it a secret. I told her it was started immediately after Belle and I had issues in our marriage and it detailed our relationship. She pressed some more. I said it also described my evolving sexuality. She said she knew I was queer and I said there’s a lot more to sexuality than gender preferences. Finally, I told her reading the blog was not unlike cracking open my head and peering into the most intimate and private part of my brain. And that there were explicit pictures. Of me.
She was perturbed. She felt I was keeping it a secret, even then, because I didn’t have faith in her and didn’t think she could handle what she saw there. I tried to explain that it was not that at all. That not everyone wants to know the kinds of things I say here about the people they associate with. I have many friends whose sex life I’m not even remotely interested in and frankly don’t want to hear about. My reticence in divulging the blog and its contents were out of respect for her right not to know everything about me. But she wasn’t buying it. Then I got nervous.
It’s not that this blog is embarrassing to me. It’s not. Really. This is who I am and I have no issues with it, but there are only two people I know of who know me personally who also know about this blog (and I’m married to one of them). Widening that circle is sort of a big deal. Also, it’s not just about me. Belle’s in here, too. At this point, I maintain my secret identity mostly out of respect for her.
In the end, I spilled my guts. Everything. We discussed my perversions, we discussed the relationship dynamic, we talked hardware, she knows I haven’t come in a month. The sky did not fall. There were many questions and I was forthcoming with answers to them all. We have very different life perspectives, but we respect one another and (I assume) her opinion of me is safe (but there are almost 700 posts here for her to read, so we’ll see how that goes).
So now there are three people who know (you know, not counting the teeming horde of you guys who come and read my drivel).
14 thoughts on “Bean spilling”
Good for you thumper. I enjoy reading your posts.
I do think that you are a wonderful writer….maybe venture into some erotica?
I’d like to, but the damned hormones leave my attention span in the nanosecond territory. I have some ideas, but I can’t get myself to focus on writing them down.
Maybe start with a story to go with a wonderful picture from your tumbler? I think the choices are very artistic and usually do seem to have a story behind them. Maybe that’s why you pick them?
I forgot that I did start a story. Part one is here, and part two is here. I never finished it, though. I couldn’t figure out what to do to the guy…
I love it!!! Definitely write more!!!
Wow, Thumper, that’s amazing! I’ve daydreamed about telling someone I trust about the whole chastity lifestyle, but it’s only in my dreams. I mean in a really strange way you are providing a public service here. Someone who is letting it all hang out (sic)….so to speak. I think it makes a lot of sense to keep your identity under wraps because everyone judges everyone else and at the end of the day, their opinions are just that, opinions. But I could see where you would want to tell a best friend about it, because it’s kind of a very different perspective on sexuality and commitment in a relationship. Your blog has inspired me to work on things about my own sexuality and the sexual relationship I have with my wife. We have never been closer nor had better sex. So keep on blogging and congratulations on having the balls to go out there and widen the circle! I hope it all works out. JP
Geez, you’re going to make me tear up over here.
Guess it’s sort of like going to the gym, eventually, the truth comes out. For what it’s worth, good for you.
Sometimes we need moments like that in order to come face-to-face with who we are and affirm the truth.
In addition, it’s always nice to have really good friends.
I have a similar reaction to you about sharing my blog with people in my life:
“…not everyone wants to know the kinds of things I say here about the people they associate with.”
But I feel its inverse even more strongly:
“… I don’t want people who aren’t in my sex life to know the kinds of intimate things I say in my blog…”
And it’s not about ‘perversion’ or shame, it’s just that Barry my accountant doesn’t need to know that I had someone’s cock in my mouth last night. My best friend doesn’t need to know that I had a tongue in my arse. The thought makes me feel socially uncomfortable, like they have been peeking in my bedroom windows (perverts!). Really and truly T. M. I. for people in my life who will never see me naked.
Good on you, though, for doing it. It sounds like you are happy about it.
Barry, as an example, would not have been given the information. Had she not been who she was, I would have deflected or said, “God, is that the time?!” or something like that. The thing is, we put ourselves out on the internet for all to see so it’s at least *possible* that someday the Barrys of the world will stumble behind the veil. If that happens, so be it, but in the mean time, I see no reason to advertise my proclivities.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you will also share her reaction after she read your blog and how it influences the relationship you two have (which might be: nothing changed). Played her gender, next to her personality, a role in finally spilling the beans for you, or not at all?
Thanks again and safe travels
“Played her gender, next to her personality, a role in finally spilling the beans for you, or not at all?”
I’m sure that the way I’d talk about it to a man is different that how I’d describe it to a woman, but the fact that I was able to talk to her about it had more to do with who she was and the relationship we have rather than the fact that she’s a woman.
I didn’t know there was anyone who knew, before. But I’m happy that you have a close friend who you can now share this incredibly important part of yourself. I’m sure she’ll be worth your trust and that you will get a lot of good things from being open. Because what is blogging about our sex life if not an outreach for some understanding and acceptance?