Belle and I had one of those checking-in moments the other night. She knows how desperate I am right now and wanted to make sure I wasn’t going off the rails. Usually, this starts by her asking me how I’m doing and me answering in a non-verbal grunt and shrug kind of thing. This from the guy who always says communication is so important in our kind of relationship.
She teased more out of me (so to speak). I told her I was fine. Not GREAT. Just fine. I told her how horny I was and she once again reminded me that I had only been locked up for a week. A mere flicker of a butterfly’s eyelid for me. Do butterflies have eyelids? It matters not. You get the gist.
I may have asked how long she meant to keep me in. Usually, it’s fairly easy for me to see the milestones upon which I get out. I can’t see one of those before mid-July at this point. She told me she was thinking of letting me out for Father’s Day. Honestly, I had forgotten all about Father’s Day. If I hadn’t, I might have dismissed it since it was relatively so soon after Memorial Day (about three weeks). It’s not always easy to know what “getting out” means. Do I also get to come? Or is it just freedom?
In my somewhat needy and totally horned-out condition, I admitted I didn’t want out. I didn’t want the device off and I didn’t want to come. OK, accuse me of bottom topping. Go ahead. I’ll wait…
Humming…
But it’s true. Yeah, my body is saying it wants out and wants to come, but my soul wants to stay in and be denied the pleasure. Even on Father’s Day. Especially on Father’s Day. The denial is so much more potent when it happens even when a reasonable person would expect otherwise. It’s best when it’s capricious and unfair and in no way respectful of what’s “right”.
What I want more than anything else is her. Not the porn, not the stories, not anything but her. To feel her writhe at my touch and hear her breathe fast and ragged before she finally tenses up in orgasm. That’s what I want. Not freedom. Not access. Certainly not orgasm. I have that feeling in my loins of a swollen prostate and I clutch and claw at the steel tube desperately wanting to get at its contents and I end up grinding into the mattress and being too distracted to sleep, but I also don’t want it to stop. Not ever.
I can’t tell if after all this time she’s thinking about letting me out because it’s what she wants or if it’s what she thinks I want. We seem to be past the point of her showing any kind of interest in the penis as a sexual object , though I supposed she might still want to feel it inside her. Maybe even wants to see it flopping around in the air. I don’t know. We kinda fell asleep after all that (which is to say, she fell asleep and I laid there soaking in my swirling hormonal caffeine).
Yesterday, I was grumpy at the end of the day. More annoying life stuff that I had misinterpreted or forgotten about or whatever. We were snappish at each other. Not sure how much of that was the hormones talking. It does manifest that way sometimes. I desperately wanted to defuse the situation so, when she came to bed, I offered to rub her feet with the lotion. I had hoped it would end in sex, but it didn’t. Just her feeling really nice (which is good, too). I again failed to fall asleep before 2:00. Still too wound up.
Belle leaves in a few days for a trip with some girlfriends. Yes, the kind of trip where in the porn stories the wife tells her friends about her husband’s locked penis. Just the girls and some wine in a quaint setting. I hope to be able to get her off before she leaves. If not, I’ll makes sure her favorite vibrator makes its way into her suitcase. If she’s going to be so relaxed anyway, it’s better for me to know she’s able to take advantage of the opportunity. Even if I don’t get to participate.
I don’t comment often, but I want you to know I love your blog.
appy
Thanks. I appreciate that.
Totally agree. I look at a bunch of chastity sites listed on KeyHeld, but this is without a doubt my favorite. (and not just because of the porn farm : ), Your honesty in writing about what’s really going on in your life and your head (yes pun intended) makes your blog one of the best. Thanks for sharing! ps. sorry about the stupid Soupy Sales joke I put in a while ago, I still don’t know why I wrote that…must be stream of consciousness….
Thanks, JP. And I don’t remember the Soupy Sales joke. I like Soupy. I’m sure it was fine!
Hi again…just trying to understand the dynamic here, that’s why I am asking this question….if Belle suddenly started taking hormones or something and wanted to use ‘her’ penis all the time, would that be acceptable as part of the locking up/control agreement? It does seem like you are intimate together even though you are locked up and that should bring closeness.
I have to say, I would love to see all your toys ‘flopping’ around the house all the time if they were under my control. I love that. I would probably just want to lock up when you were away from home so there would be no temptations.
if Belle suddenly started taking hormones or something and wanted to use ‘her’ penis all the time, would that be acceptable as part of the locking up/control agreement?
Absolutely. In the early days, this is how things were, but over time it became harder and harder for me to control my ejaculation while she fucked me. That created its own set of issues and, at least at first, I think she settled on other kinds of stimulation from me to get her off because it was just easier to deal with. However, it seems that she may actually enjoy the non-penile activity more now. There are many times when I would LOVE to fuck her, but she doesn’t let me. When I wasn’t locked up quite as consistently as I am now, she’d let me do that without coming, but it’s just not an option most of the time any more. She always gets off first and, once that’s done, she doesn’t feel like bothering with the key and letting me out and all that. It’s very much the case that what I want and crave is barely a consideration to her now. That sounds harsh, but it’s the truth and not too far from what I should expect.
I share the thoughts that you expressed so much. Do you think that there was a kind of epiphany for your wife or is it time that got her in the place where she’s now (being comfortable in denying you but also I guess the kind of satisfaction she derives from it if I may say)?
I think it was a combination of things. She, like a lot of women, enjoyed my orgasms (still does). Plus, she was conditioned to think it wasn’t real sex unless I came (she might still think that, actually). Finally, she really did/does enjoy penetrative intercourse. She had to learn that I really do find not coming to be more enjoyable than coming plus she had to let go to the idea that if I didn’t come there was something wrong with the sex *plus* she had to learn to be able to live without penetration. I think she’s in all those places now. The last couple of times she could have come on the penis, she chose not to. It may be the case that she’s come to like non-penetrative sex more or it may be that penetrative sex just isn’t worth the effort or some combination. I only get to go inside her now when it’s my time to orgasm, so not very often.
I have to say, I would love to see all your toys ‘flopping’ around the house all the time if they were under my control.
Belle’s told me many times that she prefers the look of me in the device. When it’s off, she often remarks how weird the penis looks unprotected.