Reader Plotin sent me this question:
I wonder if you know of some good reading material, that describes FLR in a non-creepy, not overtly sex-centered way. You know, something to point your vanilla girlfriend to as a starting point. Something along the lines “Why it is a good thing to have a submissive guy in your life.”
Most of the go-to stuff like Elise Sutton or the like strongly advocate the general superiority of women, that I don’t believe really exists and might creep out a vanilla girl more than help her understand what this really is about.
Maybe you have got a blog post of you own, other then the “Dominate me” one somewhere in the depths of the posts I haven’t read yet, that might be what I am looking for. (Or maybe you’d like to write one *hint, hint*)
I’ve been thinking a lot about this “why is it a good thing to have a submissive guy in your life” question Plotin asked. Like it’s same thing as asking “why is it a good thing to own a terrier” or “why is it a good thing to have DirectTV rather than cable?” And I realize I’m not sure I have an answer. And, even if I do, it’s not the answer I would have given him back when I started my own submissive journey.
It may not be a good thing to have a submissive man in your life. It may be that you’re fundamentally incompatible with someone who needs to sub to you. Maybe submission squicks you out. Maybe you are also a sub and can’t switch or find a way to be happy topping them. Maybe your concept of a male partner is ridiculously and permanently fixed to the Western archetype of the strong and silent man and nothing else will do for you. Or maybe you’re so uptight and weirded out by sexuality in general that the idea of someone with something outside the norm leaves you cold. So, right off the bat, I think I’m disappointing Plotin by disagreeing with his premiss. *sad face*
But let’s say that’s not the “you” in Plotin’s question. That that you doesn’t have any fundamental problems that keeps them from hooking up with a sub guy. Let’s say that this you sees all the other qualities in the subbie guy’s persona that makes them attractive. The way he tells a joke or absentmindedly pushes the hair out of his eyes or how he makes that funny little sound just before he sneezes. Whatever the weird alchemic magic is that makes one person want to be with another. If that’s you, then think of his submissive nature as a prize inside. And think of his exposure of that need to you, specifically, as an indicator that he feels for you the same as you feel for him. That he finds you worthy of his submission.
That’s a Big Fucking Deal.
And yes, there is a sexual element. Sure. He’s going to ask you to do things or approach sex in a way maybe no other guys has. It’s going to seem weird. But let me tell you a secret: Every motherfucker on the planet is weird. There is no normal. There is only the question of whether the person you’re with lets you in on their weirdness or keeps it secreted away from anyone’s attention, maybe even their own. So, I’d say, one reason you want to be with this submissive guy is he’s already demonstrating some emotional awareness other guys don’t. That doesn’t mean he’s perfect, but he’s got a leg up. He knows himself.
Practically, there are some perks for you. He’s going to show an incredible (sometimes obsessive) interest in your satisfaction. He’ll want to do things for you maybe nobody has before and he’ll want to be the best sex partner you ever had and, honestly, he may only get annoyed with you with you fail to take advantage of him in the way he craves. But that’s not all without cost. Sometimes, it may seem overwhelming to have to worry about his fucking orgasms or to make sure he’s obeying all those rules he seems to care about more than you do (but are supposed to be your rules). Sometimes, it’s going to feel like a lot of extra work.
But what relationship isn’t work? What anything worth having isn’t work, at some level?
That’s not to say you should let him off the hook when it comes to holding up his side of the relationship. He needs to be fair in what he wants from you and respect your own needs and desires that don’t neatly fit into his subbie worldview. And don’t imagine that it’ll be your job to satisfy all his sexual fantasies. That’s nobody’s job. He will need to mold his expectations as much around you as you need to adapt to him.
Assuming you can get all that together, you’re opening both of you up to a deep, romantic, satisfying, and fun relationship dynamic. And, really, regardless of your orientation or proclivities, isn’t that what we all want? So give the subbie guy a chance. Accept the gift. You might actually like it.
Now, with regard to what was perhaps the real point of Plotin’s question, I’ll ask my readers to suggest “good reading material, that describes FLR in a non-creepy, not overtly sex-centered way.” I’ll be curious to see what they suggest.