Why o why

Reader Plotin sent me this question:

I wonder if you know of some good reading material, that describes FLR in a non-creepy, not overtly sex-centered way. You know, something to point your vanilla girlfriend to as a starting point. Something along the lines “Why it is a good thing to have a submissive guy in your life.”

Most of the go-to stuff like Elise Sutton or the like strongly advocate the general superiority of women, that I don’t believe really exists and might creep out a vanilla girl more than help her understand what this really is about.

Maybe you have got a blog post of you own, other then the “Dominate me” one somewhere in the depths of the posts I haven’t read yet, that might be what I am looking for. (Or maybe you’d like to write one *hint, hint*)


I’ve been thinking a lot about this “why is it a good thing to have a submissive guy in your life” question Plotin asked. Like it’s same thing as asking “why is it a good thing to own a terrier” or “why is it a good thing to have DirectTV rather than cable?” And I realize I’m not sure I have an answer. And, even if I do, it’s not the answer I would have given him back when I started my own submissive journey.

It may not be a good thing to have a submissive man in your life. It may be that you’re fundamentally incompatible with someone who needs to sub to you. Maybe submission squicks you out. Maybe you are also a sub and can’t switch or find a way to be happy topping them. Maybe your concept of a male partner is ridiculously and permanently fixed to the Western archetype of the strong and silent man and nothing else will do for you. Or maybe you’re so uptight and weirded out by sexuality in general that the idea of someone with something outside the norm leaves you cold. So, right off the bat, I think I’m disappointing Plotin by disagreeing with his premiss. *sad face*

But let’s say that’s not the “you” in Plotin’s question. That that you doesn’t have any fundamental problems that keeps them from hooking up with a sub guy. Let’s say that this you sees all the other qualities in the subbie guy’s persona that makes them attractive. The way he tells a joke or absentmindedly pushes the hair out of his eyes or how he makes that funny little sound just before he sneezes. Whatever the weird alchemic magic is that makes one person want to be with another. If that’s you, then think of his submissive nature as a prize inside. And think of his exposure of that need to you, specifically, as an indicator that he feels for you the same as you feel for him. That he finds you worthy of his submission.

That’s a Big Fucking Deal.

And yes, there is a sexual element. Sure. He’s going to ask you to do things or approach sex in a way maybe no other guys has. It’s going to seem weird. But let me tell you a secret: Every motherfucker on the planet is weird. There is no normal. There is only the question of whether the person you’re with lets you in on their weirdness or keeps it secreted away from anyone’s attention, maybe even their own. So, I’d say, one reason you want to be with this submissive guy is he’s already demonstrating some emotional awareness other guys don’t. That doesn’t mean he’s perfect, but he’s got a leg up. He knows himself.

Practically, there are some perks for you. He’s going to show an incredible (sometimes obsessive) interest in your satisfaction. He’ll want to do things for you maybe nobody has before and he’ll want to be the best sex partner you ever had and, honestly, he may only get annoyed with you with you fail to take advantage of him in the way he craves. But that’s not all without cost. Sometimes, it may seem overwhelming to have to worry about his fucking orgasms or to make sure he’s obeying all those rules he seems to care about more than you do (but are supposed to be your rules). Sometimes, it’s going to feel like a lot of extra work.

But what relationship isn’t work? What anything worth having isn’t work, at some level?

That’s not to say you should let him off the hook when it comes to holding up his side of the relationship. He needs to be fair in what he wants from you and respect your own needs and desires that don’t neatly fit into his subbie worldview. And don’t imagine that it’ll be your job to satisfy all his sexual fantasies. That’s nobody’s job. He will need to mold his expectations as much around you as you need to adapt to him.

Assuming you can get all that together, you’re opening both of you up to a deep, romantic, satisfying, and fun relationship dynamic. And, really, regardless of your orientation or proclivities, isn’t that what we all want? So give the subbie guy a chance. Accept the gift. You might actually like it.

Now, with regard to what was perhaps the real point of Plotin’s question, I’ll ask my readers to suggest “good reading material, that describes FLR in a non-creepy, not overtly sex-centered way.” I’ll be curious to see what they suggest.

4 Replies to “Why o why”

  1. I think Plotin’s question is an excellent one, Thumper.

    Presentation is important.

    If she feels like she has to change who she is in some fundamental way…

    Or if you (the sub/would-be sub) make requests/demands (and yes, subbies can be demanding when they think they know what they want but do a half-assed job of explaining it and use porn for reference) that make her feel like you don’t value what she already brings to the relationship…

    Well, let’s just say the potential shit-storm could be an F-5 on the Fujita scale.

    There are *more than two sides* to every story, and there are a lot of trust issues that factor in when establishing *any* kind of D/s relationship, FemDom or otherwise. And if she doesn’t grok the idea, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she has a “concept of a male partner {that} is ridiculously and permanently fixed to the Western archetype of the strong and silent male and nothing else will do.” If you are already in an established relationship, it more likely means…

    I don’t have any idea what FemDom is…

    I cannot live my life like a porn movie…

    I feel like I’d be treating him like a child…

    The idea of inflicting physical pain on the man I love makes me want to cry…

    Does this mean he doesn’t love me the way I am?…


    Plotin, this is my two cents:

    If a woman has naturally dominant tendencies outside the bedroom (Is she the primary decision-maker in your relationship, by any chance?), but is otherwise fairly egalitarian in her approach to your relationship as a whole… I’d say you have a fighting chance. If she tends to be more of a sub-type… You might have a harder row to hoe. I think the fact that you are concerned about *how* to broach the subject shows a tremendous amount of respect for your partner, either way.

    I don’t have any advice in terms of books on the topic or ‘non-creepy’ media to which you may refer.

    I *do* have this: Take a good, long, hard, honest look inside yourself and OWN what you are asking for. There is a difference between a sub and a domination fetishist. There is a difference between bedroom-only and 24/7. There is a difference between releasing authority and releasing responsibility. There is a difference between what you want and what she wants.

    And it’s not going to happen overnight. You may have started on your mental trek toward FLR several years ago. Recognize that she is at the bottom of the first foothill, looking up at a huge mountain.

    You still have to be willing to find common ground, to try new things, to communicate about what works and what doesn’t, to examine changes within yourself and within your relationship dynamic over time, and to make adjustments as you go.


    I also have THIS: If any woman out there is looking for balls-to-the-wall honesty, for another woman’s story, for support along the way… There is a sassy, brassy, brave, honest, to-hell-and-back FemDom on WordPress who I admire greatly. She’s funny and forthright, and she’s not afraid to answer questions or talk about her struggles. My pet name for her is Serendipity, and she can be found at http://thesuburbandomme.com/.

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