Bifurcated

So I had this dream. Vivid. In it, I was being fucked by a man. In fact, a man I’ve been fucked by before. There was no actual plot to the dream that I can recall. Just him fucking me. Oh, and the device. I was locked up, of course.

It’s been coming back to me lately. Usually when I’m partially asleep or just waking up. Not that I have had the dream again (as far as I can tell) but the memory of it is there. Lingering. Of just being fucked. Being a hole for some big dick to use. Not romantic. Just fucking.

The funny thing is, I still have contact with this guy. Not in person. We play iPhone word games against each other. He was not only my on-again, off-again high school kinda-boyfriend, he was the best man in my wedding to Belle. He’s one of my oldest and dearest friends and has what is in my opinion one of the world’s perfect cocks. Not super long (above average), but thick. Nice and fat.

Anyway, yeah, it’s been in my mind. I can’t get it out. He’s a long ways away so I don’t have the risk of bumping into him. That would be oddly embarrassing. I remember one time, a long time ago, I had a dream where I had sex with a woman I work with and the next day I could barely look at her. It took me a week before I could talk to her normally.

I haven’t told anyone about the being fucked dream. Well, not until now. Certainly not that I can’t let go of it (or that it won’t let go of me). I don’t know how it is for other bisexuals in monogamous hetero relationships, but my desire for being fucked waxes and wanes. I’m waxing gibbous at the moment, if I had to guess. It’s not directly related to being horny since I’m almost always horny and I am not always thinking about the buttsex.

The obsession has led me to realize I’m almost exclusively a bottom (not just in the BDSM context). When looking at images of men having sex, I’m drawn to the receiving guy. When fantasizing about sex with a man, I’m always receiving. I never fantasize about fucking a man. Back when I had actual sex with men, I didn’t really enjoy fucking them. If I’m going to be inside someone, I much prefer women (and one in particular). I don’t know why I never really thought about it before, but I’m a total bottom in every sense of the word.

Why does any of this matter? I dunno. Just that it and this NYTimes essay on bisexuality have been bouncing around in my head. When you’re bi and in a monogamous relationship, I suppose there’s always a bit of you that’s going to be frustrated. Maybe my frustrated halves are merging. Before one of you says it, yeah, I know there are lots of ways to receive the kind of fucking I’m craving from Belle, but she’s never expressed any interest in that whatsoever. So I guess it stays where it is. Bunking with the other frustrations.

9 thoughts on “Bifurcated

  1. You could ask her. GGG and all that. Besides she may (like sandy) unexpectedly find she likes it. Something sandy had never thought she’d like before doing it.

    In fact the first time she hadn’t even noticed how much she enjoyed it until after she stopped and I touched her, finding her sopping wet like she rarely gets.

    1. Yeah, I don’t know. I wonder if the split between tops and bottoms and switches is the same as the general population of gay men or if us unicorns are different.

  2. I know exactly what you mean… I “live” exactly on that same place: monogamous heterosexual relation, fully in love… still I crave that feeling! To have IT inside of me… the frustrated side… Oh… if our girls could just have a nice dick… well, in this case, unlike Belle, sometimes mine gets “hers” out to play… 😉 I like the Feldoe but I am still looking for the perfect dildo for the strap on.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for “showing” that, after all, there are these weired common places…

  3. Thanks for posting the NY times article. It was interesting to read that she was in a long term relationship with a women but continued to find men attractive. It begs the age old question; “Is there a real difference between bisexual and gay?” I get aroused looking at both hot men and hot women, but I never felt like “mating” or “falling in love” with a guy. And like you Thumper, I am 100% a bottom, always on the receiving end (orally or anally in my fantasies) but with women I would consider myself a switch with a natural tendency to be submissive. I didn’t realize any of this until I started playing around with chastity. Being denied orgasm turned us both on because we discovered that I prefer to be dominated sexually. The more I explore my submissive side, the more I come back to fantasies about servicing strong muscular guys. I guess I don’t define homosexual as having sex with the same sex but rather having an emotional need (mating) with the same sex. And don’t get me started about T-girls…I am really conflicted about them…

  4. I’m bi, at one time thought maybe I was gay because I get turned on by one part of a mans body in particular. I notice everything about a woman’s body and I only ever notice women. I would never notice a man as attractive. Having said that though, I love big cocks. I am strictly a bottom with men and don’t get turned on by kissing , holding one another or sucking cock but if it is big I would do almost anything to get it in me. It really messed me up when I was younger because I didn’t want to be gay but was such an ass slut and into getting bent over with strap ons, fisted, and getting big cocks in me I figured I must be gay. I thought that if you were bi you were actually gay and in denial. As I experimented with men though I realized quickly that men dont turn me on other than in the way I’ve just described. That NY Times essay was really good but I dont know if its the same for women as it is for men. Or maybe each person is just so different. I don’t think anyone who is bi is attracted to both sexes equally. Its hard telling someone you are starting a relationship with this. My experience is it turns women right off. I am lucky. I am in a long term relationship with a woman that occasionally finds a guy with a big cock on the internet to fuck me because she likes watching it as much as I like taking it and realizes who I am and what I like and who she is and what she likes. I am betting most men into chastity lifestyles that are bi are bottoms. Seems the way it is. After months of not being able to touch yourself you will probably find that most men in long term enforced chastity will start experimenting with anal if they arent already in to it. Once that starts I don’t think it stops, the desire just gets stronger. Ha ha.

  5. ditto on pretty much all of it, as bi, monogamous with a woman guy.

    Oral or kissing, or , I’m an equal opportunity recipient/performer/agressor/etc…but all in all, I absolutely bottomed when i was with a man, or think about it now.

    It’s very relaxing to me. The strength of the top, his desire for me, maybe I’m bound or held somehow, the simplicity of action, eg: stay still and take it… all of it contributes to the “this is the only place in the world you’re meant to be right now, so concentrate on getting fucked, okay?” feeling that I love so much.

    which, yeah, similar to the reasons I like to bottom in the d/s sense as well. I also like topping, particularly w women, but it’s a very different mood…where as these two do feel connected.

  6. Probably the most honest and thoughtful blog post i’ve read in a very long time. Thank you for sharing what, for many, would be an extremely difficult topic to discuss. Following you 🙂

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