Furnaces going cold

Back in 2009, Ranat on Beyond the Hills posted a list of all the blogs written by submissive or switch guys she could find. That, in and of itself, created a vibrant conversation (as you can see in the comments).

Flash forward to now. Ranat has apparently abandoned her blog. The last post was from April…of 2012. The one before that was posted in September of 2011. The most recent comments appear to be from spammers. Except this one, left by the inimitable Tom, from just the other day:

So, here we are, 4 years after, and I just happened to be searching for FLR-type blogs, preferably ones run by women. I Googled into this discussion, and realized that most of the blogs you’ve listed are long dead — except, interestingly, for the ones that you’ve noted as being non-traditional.

But the bigger point is that 3/4 of those blogs are dead, and yet I haven’t found any decent replacement blogs that aren’t more of the same.

He said that on a dead blog. Ironic.

The thing is…blogging is hard. It’s hard even when you’re not blogging about your life and your failures (as so many FLR blogs end up being about since they’re often written by guys in relationships with women uninterested in being the F in an LR). Also, even though it’s just four years ago, the internet is a very different place now. There’s Facebook (which, of course, there was four years ago, but it’s SO MUCH BIGGER now). There’s Twitter (also, around four years ago and, also, bigger now than then). A metric crap ton of the conversation that used to happen in blog comments happens on Twitter  and, I admit, I feel a little left out because browsing Twitter is like drinking out of a fire hose. Be that as it may, it certainly is true that blogs (like this one, I suppose) seem to flame out. Just the other day Belle was saying how it seems like the people who comment on this blog seem to be all different than in the “old days.” It’s true.

It’s somewhat depressing. You “meet” these people, in a way (and sometimes, you actually do meet them), you enter into their lives through their writing, you follow their ups and downs, and then, one day, they’re gone. It doesn’t always happen at once. They just post less often, they comment less often (the only way you know they’re reading your stuff), and then…nothing. They go quiet. They disappear. Many of the links on my own (infrequently attended) blogroll are defunct.

Of course, these are blogs about personal things. People change. They evolve and grow and move on. I think a lot of people blog for very specific reasons. Like, blogging helps people (like me) process and think and learn about themselves or get through a difficult time in their lives. In many cases, once the need for them is done, they’re abandoned and go to seed or are imploded by their owners. And for those of us “left behind” it can be hard. I said over on Ranat’s old post that it’s weird to be having a discussion on a blog that’s been left for dead. Like going to your high school best friend’s parent’s house and hanging out by the pool like in the old days even though your friend doesn’t live there anymore and the pool’s empty and the house is boarded up.

I said that to a new blogger on the scene who calls himself Schnoff. He’s only got the two posts so far, but I like his stuff a lot. I like that he’s gay if only because there are so few voices speaking from that perspective on this topic that I know of (and, as I’ve said, I find gay guys playing with chastity and denial totally hot). Will he last? I can’t say. There have been other exciting new voices who open up and then disappear just as quickly. I hope he sticks around.

And then there’s this blog. In a way, I still feel a bit like the new kid, though I know I’m not. I’m veritably venerable at this point. I admit that my fire to blog waxes and wanes and I’m finding myself, for whatever reason, disinclined to give the kind of blow by blow accounts of our sex life as I once did. I feel like I’m in some kind of metamorphosis state, though it could just as easily be a kind of torpor I’ll snap out of at some point. What is the point of Denying Thumper anymore? It’s not here for the reasons that started it, that’s for sure. Sometimes I think it’s inertia. That act of blogging and writing begets more blogging and writing. Let it go cold, and it dies. Maybe that’s what happened to some of those old bloggers. They let their furnaces go cold.

No, I’m not announcing anything. I’m still doing this. I’m not going to go cold. In a way, I feel like a dinosaur. Not old, but doing an old-feeling thing. Like a cold-blooded creature that needs to keep active to survive while a bunch of warm-blooded newbies skitter around my feet.

I guess what I’m saying is I know where Tom’s coming from. I feel it, too.

24 thoughts on “Furnaces going cold

  1. He said that on a dead blog. Ironic.

    LOL – I really did feel like I was dangling my feet in that empty pool, too.

    We forget that blogging was one of the earlier forms of social networking. If you had more intelligent things to say than the typical MySpace writer, then you started a blog. Yes, then Facebook and Twitter came along, and suddenly it was a lot easier to write a paragraph or two… which then became a sentence or two.

    I’ve noticed a lot of the “old” bloggers on Fetlife, and some of them, while they don’t blog anymore, still keep their accounts active in order to comment on the handful of us who are still writing.

    And keep in mind that blogging is still *huge* – witness the number of blogs still active at WordPress, Blogger, Livejournal, etc. ; it’s just that sex blogging seems to have fallen off, and I’m inclined to agree with your analysis; that it serves a purpose for some people, and when that purpose is done, it’s too difficult to keep it going any longer.

    Frankly, I’m impressed that you keep managing to turn out so many personal posts and essays, and that you manage to keep finding new perspectives. Me, even though I have an idea, whenever I get time to sit down, I get distracted and start surfing Tumblr for pretty pictures. Sic transit gloria wordpress.

    1. Yes, FetLife! Of course. I knew I forgot one. People are definitely there, too.

      Frankly, I’m impressed that you keep managing to turn out so many personal posts and essays, and that you manage to keep finding new perspectives.

      It helps being an attention whore.

      Me, even though I have an idea, whenever I get time to sit down, I get distracted and start surfing Tumblr for pretty pictures.

      Since yours was one of the first I found and an inspiration to me at the start, I wish you’d knock off the porn surfing and get to work!

  2. I for one would miss your updates. I started reading your blog only one week ago and it was a revelation. Here was a man, in love with a woman, who was in love with him, taking a journey in which he would lay himself bare, for all to see, exposing parts of him that he never thought he could before. As a read this, my own life flashed before my eyes. You gave me the confidence to talk about this with my own partner and the inner secrets about my own sexuality that I’ve effectively hidden from her for 6 yrs!

    This week, in no small part to your writings and the writings of others, we’ve just taken a huge step in reconnecting, because, for the first time in my entire adult life I’ve taken the inspiration and chose to open up about me, who I am, what I am, to not feel ashamed and to deal with the consequences. Twitter and FB can’t do that!

    To all bloggers who write about their most intimate thoughts, I applaud you. You don’t need to be prolific, but just to know that their are others who feel the same is such a relief.

  3. I don’t consider a blog ‘real’ until it’s been going for at least 3 months with regular posts. I think that to many it *seems* like a fun idea to blog, but when they actually start doing it, they quickly get bored with it or run out of ideas and ‘poof’, it’s gone.

    I think for medium term blogs, they write to work stuff out, and when it’s resolved (whatever that means to them), they don’t really have a reason to blog any more. Gone. Fair enough too.

    For long term blogs, I think there comes a time when they’ve said everything they have to say and they find themselves repeating the same things (‘oh, I wrote about that already!’) or recounting the same scenarios/situations etc, and that’s not interesting to write about. So they either reinvent their blog in some way, or they drift away.

    I have a theory that happiness is bad for writers. When people are happy and content and have no struggles or conflicts, they are kept so busy rolling around in their own bliss that they don’t write. Instead they go to Twitter and tell everyone what they had for breakfast (coffee, scrambled eggs)…

    I feel like a dinosaur also… my blog is nearly 5 years old. I’ll be wanting cake!

    Anyway, don’t worry, I have no plans to be happy. Ever, apparently *laugh*.

    Ferns

    1. For long term blogs, I think there comes a time when they’ve said everything they have to say and they find themselves repeating the same things (‘oh, I wrote about that already!’) or recounting the same scenarios/situations etc, and that’s not interesting to write about.

      No shit! I go back and read old posts and think, damn, I’m still writing the same damned things! Yet people still read them. Apparently.

      1. *laugh* Well, if I repeat myself it’s because I’ve forgotten that I said it before and I figure no-one else will remember either (though sometimes a unique phrase seems very familiar, and I *will* do a search for it… I just had that feeling with ‘romantically irrelevant’…).

        Anyway, I’m nowhere near bored with you yet. Carry on.

        Ferns

      2. The worst part is when you repeat yourself and, in doing so, totally contradict what you said before. Oh well.

        Glad you’re not tired of me…yet!

    2. I have a theory that happiness is bad for writers. When people are happy and content and have no struggles or conflicts, they are kept so busy rolling around in their own bliss that they don’t write.

      Bitchy Jones was the first thing that came to mind. Long after Thumper and I become too addled to write, people will *still* be talking about Bitchy Jone’s Diary because she had so much great stuff, and well written. Seriously, I see people still referring to her blog on Reddit and other forums.

      And then she had to go and actually meet somebody.

      1. *fangirl over Bitchy Jones* (I STILL have her on my blogroll).

        BUT, I am not convinced she met someone. Things fell apart with Jack (her secondary) and she very BRIEFLY had a post up about writing a book (and hence having to remove some of her material) then she wrote about having nothing left to say and THEN she was gone.

        Since I am a scary stalker-type, I remember all this even though I can’t remember what I did last Thursday. I feel as if I should be concerned about this…

        Ferns

  4. Twitter is a thing, I am told. I know some people who blog about their professional lives and use Twitter to announce new blog posts. There is still room for and demand for the ‘long form’.

    I don’t know what your blog is for _for you_, but I can tell you what it does for me: in the aggregate, all these posts create a story of relationship building, a sort of trajectory of hope. They act as a catalyst for thought. They make it easier for me to think about what I want, and what I do not want, as you kink on things in your own unique way.

    The question of ‘sticking around’ is already in my mind. I started the blog because – well because attention whore of course, but also because I had one particular thing to say that I had not seen before: If your self control sucks, be aware that some males cannot, physiologically, come without Frenum stimulation. That one insight has led to a whole torrent of changes in our D/s dynamic over the past week. Which gives me more stuff to blog about.

    And I can see the end of that coming. Pretty soon. And then? If I can be brave, I could use the blog to get out of my comfort zone. I am terrified of writing fiction. Because, you know, “I’ll suck”. Rationality doesn’t come into that. So, maybe, fiction, eventually. I don’t know yet. Or maybe it peters out as quickly as it began, a flash in the pan. That’d be kinda sad and pathetic, but it’s been known to happen.

    Are there people who kink on their blogging careers being short, sad and pathetic? 😀

    1. “Are there people who kink on their blogging careers being short, sad and pathetic?”

      I’m now imagining people masturbating furiously as they delete yet *another* blog that hasn’t lasted a month… awww yeahhhh… nnnggghhhh…

      *laugh* Oh god. Please let it be true!

      Ferns

  5. Over time, perspective changes. While it may seem that you are writing about the same situation over and over, your reactions to the situation have changed, so there are things to discuss that hadn’t occurred to you before.
    Blogging is a kind of public journal. The long form allows the writer to explore more complex thoughts than can be well expressed in 160 characters. Twitter gives sound bites, often context-free snippets of information. A blog lets you take your time.
    One reason I saw for this blog was a desire to find out if the larger world would respond positively to the story of your transformation. You were doing this huge, scary, very non-normative thing. Belle was hesitant, if willing to try. There was a desire for feedback from others, to get an idea if what you wanted was really ok to want, and that you weren’t alone in wanting it. As you both have gotten comfortable with your new relationship you care less about what others feel about it. The dynamics are more familiar, and need less examination.
    Also, it’s less shiny and fascinating. It’s how you live your life.
    I suspect that some of the now defunct blogs were written by people who tried out a different relationship dynamic and then stopped, for whatever reason. If you started a blog full of enthusiasm and then found you were really unhappy, you probably wouldn’t want to keep blogging about it.
    Always delighted to read your ruminations, whenever you get around to posting them.

    1. “I suspect that some of the now defunct blogs were written by people who tried out a different relationship dynamic and then stopped, for whatever reason. If you started a blog full of enthusiasm and then found you were really unhappy, you probably wouldn’t want to keep blogging about it.”

      Or if you were very happy. Happiness is dull. What’s there to write about? I know. That’s why I don’t write much anymore.

      1. “Gesunde Menschen machen keine Kunst” (Healthy people don’t make art) I don’t know who said that, or whether I made that quote up from bits and pieces – but so true.
        Or Hemingway: “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

      2. It might be true. People who write are the people who feel they see the world differently than others, and want to explain it to themselves or others. I do make art, however. My sex life is just largely left out of it…

  6. I’m glad you’re still around too. I have been lurking around kink for a while, but just very recently got into the chastity scene. I was looking around for blogs and other people’s experiences, but you’re right. It seems that a lot of them have gone cold.
    I started my own blog as a way to get my own thoughts out as I had SO MANY new experiences when I first had the chastity device locked onto me. I didn’t want to keep texting and bugging my Lover with them all, so I started the blog as a way to clear my head without distracting her from all of the things she needed to do.
    She was all for it.
    Recently, over dinner, she asked me “Are you going to continue the blog after this?”

    I didn’t know how to answer. I don’t know what I would say on the blog after I’m out of chastity. After the wedding.
    I suppose though, in light of this, that I should continue to update with various experiences, if only to keep there from being one more black hole of kink on the internet.

  7. I just found your blog not long ago, so I wouldn’t know if you are repeating yourself. What I do know is that life is fluid and many of the same questions and concerns we think we have put to bed seem to come back up periodically and we need to wrestle with them again. At least this has been my experience.

    You are well written and pertinent and I happen to enjoy what I read off of your blog. Thank you for your honesty and candor.

    yours in life and leather
    Aira
    slave of DarkHouse
    Dungeonbag.com
    Corsetpassion.com

  8. Being a self-confessed, Thumper lurker and stalker, I always look forward to your posts. The courage you have to put your personal life out here in the cyberworld such as you, is absolutely amazing! As I have indicated in past posts, I am always checking in to read anything new you may have put up here since my last visit, which usually isn’t very long. I sure as hell hope you don’t decide to stop and close up your blog. I may need one of those 12 step programs or something to cope with no new posts, stories, and pictures that I faithfully check each day. Reading blogs such as yourself led me to start my own personal journal where I can write. And you are very correct when you say bloggers tend to write when things aren’t going well but but as soon as things are going well, tend to stop posting. I can say its the same for me, but no less theraputic. Hope you continue to bring on the goods here even during these great times!

  9. I was recently asking myself if I should shut my own blog down because of the same points you brought up. It indeed is a different Internet than before.

    I was around in the “old days”. Heck, my first blog was on yahoo 360. And as crappy as yahoo was, I loved the interaction a ton of us had with each other. I followed you on blogspot when I started my own blog there. For various reasons I shut it down and had to start a new one. Now I wonder if I should have even started my current one two years ago. The comments section is a ghost town compared to what it used to be.

    It really is sad if you think about it. But the thing that keeps me going is that I need an outlet with which to write. I love to write, especially about my perverted inner thoughts. I think a lot of people had blogs because it was the thing to do, when now they can just run a tumblr page or as you said, tweet. Anyway, I’m rambling. Just wanted to say I strongly share your sentiment.

  10. I’m still here. And Tom and Ferns and Perverse Cowgirl. And Pastrychef. But I miss Ranat and Dev. And Feminist Sub. They were my people and now they’re somewhere over there. Living without me. And so am I, for the most part.

    I didn’t understand it at first. Why did people start out so enthusiastic and then disappear. I thought their lives had become dull once more. But I know that’s not the case with me. I just don’t need the validation anymore. I don’t need to get someone else’s perspective on the things I want or do. I don’t feel… guilty anymore for betraying the feminist movement. Or bad or any of that.

    It’s so simple isn’t it? When you get it, you just don’t need anyone’s help anymore. Their help, their words that used to console you and help you figure your way out of the maze of normative sexuality, shame and guilt.

    Now it’s just. The knowledge in me will make a difference in the world and not in a way I thought. I am not as quick to judge as I once was and I can stop and listen to people now. It makes a world of difference. I’ve found many people in the real world, outside kink community, who want these things, who fight the same fights inside their hearts. Who have won and are strong in love. There’s so much out here that I just couldn’t see before.

    Sometimes, though. Sometimes. Something happens. And I want all the people gone to know. So I blog about it. Because I know somewhere they are still, maybe checking my blog once a year. Listening in the silence because they don’t need to speak anymore, just like I don’t. I want them to know that I’m alright. Or how I am.

    It doesn’t mean we’re out. We’re still here.

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