The other day, I was IMing with Dev (formerly of Devastating Yet Inconsequential) and the notion of chastity and orgasm control being a kind of life hack came up. According to the Wikipedia, a life hack is “any productivity trick, shortcut, skill, or novelty method to increase productivity and efficiency.” Seems to me that denial and chastity definitely do not increase the “productivity” of a very specific thing, but work with me here.

Cast your minds back to the beginning of our journey into the life of male orgasm control. We, Belle and I, had been through a hard time in our relationship resulting from the fact that we had pretty much stopped having sex. I went outside our marriage to find the kind of intimacy I wasn’t getting at home. I suppose it would be an easy thing to then draw a line and say I cheated, therefore I ended up in a chastity device and, as punishment, rarely get to have any orgasms. But that’s all wrong and kind of backwards.

Our problem wasn’t that I cheated (though, yeah, that was a problem all right), it was that we weren’t connected to one another sexually. I loved Belle. Never stopped loving her. Never wanted to leave her. I’ve never wanted to be anywhere but with her from the moment I realized I loved her. But we were not intimate with one another anymore, emotionally or physically. We were roommates running a live-in day care center. As I suggested yesterday, kink of any kind, when successfully executed, is the result of and the catalyst for emotional and physical intimacy. It’s only done well after a lot of communication and honesty with one another. The fact that we have kink in our relationship now is because we were open, communicated, and all that. The kink helps keep us that way, but kink is definitely the egg in this model, not the chicken.

The hack part, for me, is the denial aspect. Remember, my problem was that Belle and I had disconnected sexually. I relied on myself for pretty much all my sexual satisfaction and I resented it. She didn’t seem to care. I craved intimacy with another person, not just my hand or a sex toy. By slaving my orgasm to Belle (using the non-D/s definition of “slave” — a component controlled by another machine or component), we have essentially produced a situation where we cannot ever find ourselves in a disconnected place again. This isn’t about quantity of sex, mind you. We don’t have sex as often as I’d like. We have sex as often as she likes. But it forces the issue of emotional and physical intimacy. She controls when I come. She controls pretty much all my sexual activity. One of my primary sexual releases is her orgasm. We can’t move too far outside of one another’s orbits before the issue becomes evident and then it can only be corrected together, not by me slinking off to the bathroom after she falls asleep to jack off in the sink. I used to worry that we’d slip back to the old way. The disconnected way. In exchange for her controlling my orgasms and access to sex, I got security.

Sexually, we are one. That’s deeply intimate. It’s hard to get more intimate than that.

Another part of the hack is how it fucks with my hormones. I’m about to be 46 and, in the greater scheme, that’s not that old, but biologically, shit’s not as easy as it once was. Even if I wasn’t being denied orgasm, it would take me a lot longer to bounce back from one than it used to. When I was 17, I could fuck four or five times in a day and come each time. (I recall one day in particular when I did something like that and the last orgasm, which was maybe the sixth or so, was dry and hurt like a motherfucker…but I digress.) By not coming and leaving all those hormones in me, I feel as close to 17 as I’m likely to get again. Yes, the trade-off is huge. I rarely get to feel the awesome five to ten seconds of real, uninterrupted, unqualified orgasmic rush. But in exchange, I feel like a total raging sex god. Sometimes. At least when we get to fuck (and there’s been an awful lot of that this past week since the kids have been away).

I’m not saying we’ve discovered the key to marital bliss. We’ve discovered a key to marital bliss. And we’re hardly the first to use some flavor of male orgasm continence. I don’t know how what we do would work for a guy who didn’t want to be dominated or wasn’t all that into the bondage aspect of chastity or was just too wrapped up in his own masculine bullshit to even consider limiting how often he came. But it is a hack of the male sexual circuitry and it does work. At least for us.

9 Replies to “Hacking”

  1. Well, when you put it like that I am terribly enivous of what you have and it painfully obvious to me that I do not have the personal fortitude to change my relationship to even come close to the personal and spiritualness that you have with Belle. It makes me sad to think that I will never experience something so special.

      1. Its all good. Just a powerful reminder of what is lacking in my life and how far you and Belle have come from your relationship/sexual wasteland to where you are today.

  2. Thumper…the chastity philosopher : ) you’re blog is such a joy to read. In 2010 I faced a similar crisis with my wife…Sexually we had just been drifting apart for years. This led me to satisfying my own needs, although I never had the courage or maybe more accurately the opportunity to pursue an outside relationship…Instead I flew solo…a lot…way more than a man of my age should…One day my wife confessed to me that she was lonely, that she didn’t feel the intimacy that we once had. I thought about that and realized that I had replaced intimacy with her for porn and masturbation. I tried to stop and then read about chastity devices. I have always had a fetish for bondage and submission so it fit perfectly. Well not the first device, it was a bon 4 silicone crap…but the second device did the trick. I confessed to my wife about my feelings and my fetish and from the day it arrived (ironically on our wedding anniversary) for almost two years thereafter I wore it 77 % of the time. The big ah ha for us was that she felt I was pushing sex on her all the time, so when she took control all the pressure was off and the tease was on! Great! And since she was controlling the when and how, it let me build on sexual fantasy that make our sex incredible. Within months the intimacy was back stronger then ever before in our marriage. I also came to realize that there is a hormonal /chemical reason for my behavior that also benefits from denial and orgasm control. It’s almost Zen like now and we both love it. I only am able to wear a device on the weekends now, because of my job, but I still where it every chance I get. When I can’t wear it, I sometimes just wear a metal cock ring. (brass ring from the hardware store…I have to tell you this is the most kinky store in any town :). Okay. well I get where you are coming from and love reading your blog and of course viewing your portfolio….the mix of both sexes is also something I really get…Keep on truckin!) -jp

  3. This:

    “Sexually, we are one. That’s deeply intimate. It’s hard to get more intimate than that.”

    Who wouldn’t want that! I don’t know if my gf is the one, but if she is I will go to my wedding with my wedding ring already in place and THE SMILE on her face because she knows it is

    I am only in my early twenties and want to tell you Thumper that you are-not-a-dinosaur-because-people-like-me-need-you. God bless you for being here to teach if that is ok with you. You teach by example, and honest example at that. My gf knows about chastity thanks to your help, and the help of others the like of which can be found at chastityforums etc.

    It’s her decision I only offer her the opportunity to make many other thing her decision. But I can think of no other more forceful form of persuasive argument than the conviction of others who have successfully trodden the path to marital happiness, difficult as it is. Marriage rates are at their lowest point ever. Who here doesn’t think that if male chastity and orgasm denial were ever to become commonly associated directly with the married state for a man, that marriages wouldn’t simply last a whole lot longer, and so see weddings climb inexorably to where they should be.

    I mean if females were to awaken to the idea on mass, and men were to accept it’s viable nature? I see you saying ‘not yet’. I see the internet and blogs like yours changing everything. The longer they are around and the more young men and women see them for their entire lifetimes, which is only just starting to happen.

    The thing I really like to see is when I find something from a couple in say – their sixties and the man has been in chastity for like ever – I mean how inspiring!! That and other young couples that have embraced the idea as something kind of natural and are starting out with it in mind as the lifestyle (par excellence) for them – ’cause that is how I see it making a real difference. When you find the right woman, you get down on one knee and then you stay there if you want it to work.

    I love the term ‘wife worship’ (borrowed from Lady Misato) as it so accurately describes what I feel is the right path. However I won’t get married unless she definitely thinks it is too. And the more we can talk about it and oh, say -your experiences – then the clearer it will become to her. Repeat yourself at will, it’s like looking at a diamond from different angles til the sparkle hits home and brings forth THAT SMILE.

    Thanks, Thumper.

  4. You hit the nail on the head when you speak of men wrapped up in their own masculine bullshit to even consider this. Because my marriage is a testament to male chastity as well. I believe that the divorce rate would be more than cut in half if most guys were willing to go all in with their wives in this way.

  5. That’s the way I feel, too, although I would’ve worded it differently. Sometimes when I listen to my wonderful friends talk about the troubles they have I just think that how can any relationship survive without the constant demand of honesty and discussion and negotiation d/s entails. It seems that they don’t do very well without it. They just don’t share anything that significant with their lover or partner and there’s nothing as powerful to get them to really push themselves into radical acceptance and honesty. D/s does that whether you want it or not.

    Why is it so hard to ask for what you want? And why is it so hard to know, especially for women? That’s what I think, even though I’ve been through it.

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