One other time, I had a dream that I had sex with a co-worker. Couldn’t look her in the eye for a week. Then it happened again just a few days ago. Different one this time. Funny thing is, this time around, I couldn’t remember which one it was until she was sitting next to me in a meeting. Then it all came rushing back and I’m quite certain I blushed.
The dream is lost to me. All I remember is she was the aggressor in it. She’s somewhat aggressive in real life, so that figures. It’s still affecting me, too. She came to my desk earlier today to ask my opinion on something and, standing next to me, I felt somewhat…I don’t know. Uncomfortable. Hard to describe. Not bad. Just weird. My imagination drew suspicions from her movements and closeness, ascribing her dream persona’s motives to her in real life. Silly, but palpable.
Similarly, I was in a client meeting today (the client I’ve been so focused on recently). All men, which is rare. There are a lot of women in my field and they’re usually the majority of any meeting (as they are at my office), but not at this client. Kind of an old boy’s club. Their culture is competitive and the guys I was meeting with were all directors and above and, while being perfectly nice to one another, that competitiveness was always just under the surface. The room was barely big enough for the conference table let alone the nine of us. I found myself very much aware that I was the different one in the room. It didn’t show. I was holding my own, but I felt…again, I don’t know. Disadvantaged? In a room full of women, I can feel energized. My condition only accentuates that. I think they sense it and it works. In a room full of guys, visage aside, I’m likely the beta male. Of course, it’s possible (and even likely) that I’m not the only one there with one face for the public and another for my wife.
In any event, I realize that often the device and my state can feel like a superpower. But today it was the opposite. That which made me different felt like a detraction. Something in the room was my Kryptonite. It set me on edge. I was happy to be out of there.
When I was 24/7 subbing I often used to feel that sense of the two personas blurring in a not entirely positive way. I found it sometimes hard to switch to alpha office male and then sub at home. Either I was not pushy enough at work, or if I let that side of myself grow and come out then it would fight to stay on top at home.
Mine is a male dominated field.
Just thought you might like to know … I read every single one of your posts. They are kind of like holding back something I really like on my plate and eating it last… something held until the moment when it can be savored most. I love the way you write and put me right there seemingly *watching* in your life. (Guess that appeals to the voyeur in me.) More than anything, though, I truly appreciate your willingness to share. I find your viewpoint to be extremely educational. Education on a male through a male’s viewpoint. You open my eyes and I like it. I recommend your site to anyone I talk to that thinks they might be into chastity, or who is into it.
Thank you. That’s very nice to say.