I’m paying a lot of attention to my feelings and stuff since that last orgasm. It happens so infrequently. Seems like a good opportunity, you know?
At first, it appeared as though things were going to be OK, but for the last several days, I’ve been in kind of a funk. This funk has included feeling not very good about being in the Steelheart. It’s been annoying to me and has felt like it was sapping energy rather than generating it for me. Just a big metal hunk hanging between my legs. I mentioned to Belle a few times that it’d be nice to be out but she didn’t take the bait. I went so far as to ask outright last night while making dinner if she’d unlock me and she turned me down flat.
Oddly, I was more affectionate with her last night than I have been recently. Today, I find myself in a better place about stuff. I don’t know if there’s a connection between getting shot down and the improvement of spirits or if I’m just getting back into the swing of things or what, but I can feel the edge coming back that I like to ride. That low-level gnawing need that comes from denial.
What’s difficult now is we’re not far from the weekend and the possibility of more naked fun time. Next weekend, I’ll be at SXSW. Less than 24 hours ago, I wanted the device off so there’s still the thought that I’d really like to get it off for sex, but I’m not sure I’ll want it back on right away (I had to force myself to put it back on last time). I might lobby to leave it off and then she might let me. Next thing you know, I’m off to the airport and maybe it’s still off and I’m on my own. Based on previous experience, I’m pretty sure that won’t be good for my emotional state.
What’s hard to do is to step out from myself and think about my state as if it belonged to a third person. As if I was counselling Belle about this guy she locks up and denies and it wasn’t me. If I was to do that, I think I’d advise not letting me out for sex this weekend. I’d probably say the best thing would be to keep the penis locked away and essentially ignored until I have to go to the airport and then make sure it’s back in as soon as possible after I get through security. Belle’s best bet, if she wants me back in my more normal place (well, normal for me, anyway) would be to rub her pussy all over my face and make me breathe deeply her essence. That would probably be good for me.
Of course, this sounds like the dreaded topping from below. I’m not doing that. I’m…I dunno. Topping from the side? I have as much of a motivation as Belle does to put me back in my normal space. The space I love as much as I think she does. It’s frustrating that an orgasm more than two weeks ago is still affecting me. Well, potentially affecting me. I don’t know for sure that’s what it is. What I do know is I’ve been cruising for months and now I’m not and the only thing that’s changed is I came that one time.
So anyway, that’s where I am. Not great. Not terrible. Somewhere in between and rising.