Secret sauce

Step one...

The other day, I went to my trainer session just as Belle was finishing hers. Our schedule is such that I’m always after her now. I helped scrape her off the floor and was being affectionate and stuff (I sometimes really like how the sweaty, post-workout Belle smells and tastes) and our trainer made some comment about “the secret” to our marriage. I have to tell you, I was seconds away from offhandedly telling him it probably had something to do with me only having one orgasm a year. But I didn’t.

This is a guy who’s juggling a couple of hotties at the same time and milking Tinder for all it’s worth (pun intended). He’s young(ish) and single and fucking all the time so I’m pretty sure the concept of withholding orgasm would make his head combust. And, I guess, rightly so. We backed into orgasm denial and chastity years after we got married, but it seems to me that its a strategy best applied to those in relationships. How would you even do it with random hook-ups? “Oh, that’s OK. I’m good…” Uh, probably not. 

I’m not even sure anymore that limiting and controlling male orgasm outside of chastity should even be considered a kink. I mean, for some people it is (when it’s part of a D/s dynamic or whatever) and clearly this kind of conversation is massively complicated by the tangled up yarn ball that is human sexuality, but even those people in vanilla monogamous (or -ish) male-female relationships would, I think, see benefits from keeping him from orgasming as often as he’d like. I’ve finally stopped reading that Cupid’s Poison Arrow book because I couldn’t take it anymore, but there is a kernel of truth buried in their pile of repetitive anecdote. Hacking brain chemistry by limiting (or even eliminating) orgasm in at least one partner can greatly benefit a marriage (or married-like arrangement). Especially for those people sneaking up on middle-age where refractory periods get longer and longer.

Over on the Twitter, Kitten asked…

I said I thought my orgasm was a fair trade for how it benefits our marriage. Even if it meant I’d never have it again. If I could take a pill or pay a genie or something to take away my ability to come (but not my desire to) in exchange for feeling like I do when I’m riding high on the denial magic carpet, I’d do it. In a minute (assuming Belle was OK with it). Kitten suggested that would leave me feeling “bereft” but I think quite the opposite. I’m thrilled we’ve found this and can use it to enhance our relationship.

And I know, a lot of people would read that and think I’m crazy. Orgasm is wired deeply into our brains. We get lots of happy brain treats when we do it. But, as the authors of that dumb Cupid book point out, there’s also a downside to those same treats. On that point, I think they’re entirely right. Post-orgasmic brain chemistry does, over time, seem to work against long-term monogamous relationships. I can’t prove that to any of you. I don’t have a peer-reviewed study to point to (though I’d happily participate in one). All you can do it take my word for it, I guess.

In response to my last post, Mykey suggested my funk wasn’t a result of my last orgasm…

Seems unlikely it’s the orgasm from that long ago to me. I wonder if it’s just a cycle, hormones or emotions. Maybe you are coming down with a cold.

I agree, it does seem unlikely, but I’ve discovered that the actual impact from one orgasm does last for multiple weeks. Most men wouldn’t know because, like I used to, they’re probably having two to half a dozen or so orgasms a week (more if you’re a young man — I can recall jacking off twice a day in my mid- to late-teens). If you’re never outside an orgasm’s overhang, you can’t know the extent of it. If I were in a situation where my orgasms weren’t being controlled, I’d probably have pulled one out specifically to feel the hit of happy brain treats way before getting to the point where I was even a week out from last coming.

On that front, I’m starting to feel that old tyme denial religion. Belle wouldn’t let me out for sex this weekend even though we fooled around twice. Saturday morning was a nice and simple fingering while Sunday was a lovely and lively full-on pussy eating. After coming up for air, I was drenched. I rubbed it all down my chest and just let her pheromones linger on me even as I went to the gym for a run. It was quite the run, though I can’t say for certain the two things were related.

In any event, I desperately wanted to fuck her after I ate her out. To slip into that hot wetness. But it wasn’t happening. Later in the day, I asked if I could be let out due to a small spot of testicular irritation that had been lingering for several days. Sometimes it happens in places where the skin on the scrotum is constantly pulled somewhat tight (especially during erection attempts) and they can never heal. She was very suspicious of my motivations, but I swear I’d never lie to be let out. Twelve hours later, I was right as rain again. That’s all it took.

She let me out Sunday afternoon and I went back in this morning. I could have gone back in last night but she gave me one more day of recovery. I went to the gym unlocked and she was gone when I got back so the the notion of not going back in until tonight was crowding around in my imagination (especially while working on the Portfolio this morning), but I was good and obeyed her wishes and locked myself into the Looker 02. And, even when Tumbling, I didn’t play with anything. Not even in the shower. I was that good. 

Which, I think, means things are getting back to normal. I’ll be leaving Friday morning for SXSW. We haven’t discussed whether or not she’ll want me locked up while gone. Last year, she let me use my own judgement and I eventually went back in on my own because the distraction of having a free penis I couldn’t play with was just too great. I assume this year I won’t have the choice, but we’ll see.

Any of you going to be in Austin this weekend? Let me know. Maybe we could meet up.

19 Replies to “Secret sauce”

  1. Hello. I live in Austin and have been following your blog (and heartily enjoying The Portfolio) for a few years. I’m a woman in my 40s in a het kinky relationship which is, sadly, long distance right now. If you’d like to meet up while you’re in town, let me know!


  2. “Post orgasmic brain chemistry seems to work against long term monogamous relationships”
    I don’t know what that means ?

    And can somebody give me the links to the blogs where the women wear the chastity metalwork

    And why do I think that theres an unspoken suggestion that if the cock wasn’t locked ,then testosterone would drive you to fucking like rabbits, So the CB300/600/25000 isn’t a manifestation of submissiveness but a trophy to your virility.

    IMO men would have sex with anything that had a hole in it, Women need a reason ( eg children /romanticism/nurturing) and if the reason isn’t there then the desire fades. And the CB300/600/25000 gives an excuse to have sex on her own terms , and not as something which either side has a right to expect on equal terms.

    Just my opinion.

    1. “IMO men would have sex with anything that had a hole in it, Women need a reason ( eg children /romanticism/nurturing) and if the reason isn’t there then the desire fades.”

      That’s just about the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

      “And why do I think that theres an unspoken suggestion that if the cock wasn’t locked ,then testosterone would drive you to fucking like rabbits,”


      1. Oh come on – you must have read sillier things than that.

        and in reply to the enigmatic “uh-huh” I would expand by asking you why you feel the need to have your cock and balls in restraint ,under someone else’s control. Presumably if it weren’t controlled it would act differently in exercising its freedom,and since it only has two functions pissing and sex , I would assume sex would be on the menu more frequently,hence my assumption (rabbits notwithstanding)

        And if we didn’t take different views on male and female sexuality then we should see more blogs on chastity belts for women – but we don’t – hence my assertion (silly or not) about the male/female sex drives

        hey ho another day

      2. Oh come on – you must have read sillier things than that.

        Sillier than suggesting women’s sex drives are motivated by their need to procreate and land a man? What, are you typing that from 1956?

        I would expand by asking you why you feel the need to have your cock and balls in restraint ,under someone else’s control.

        This entire blog is about that. Seriously, have you read it? Your questions suggest to me an understanding of the practice that’s not what I would expect from someone versed in what I talk about here.

  3. For me, after a long period of cumming even a short orgasm denial is intense. On the flip side when I’ve done long term orgasm denial (ie 4weeks or more) when the denial period ends my need for frequent orgasms is lower. That first 1-3 are needed quickly as you can imagine. But paradoxically after that my body seems to have enough for a longer period than i would expect after a long lockup.

    Makes me wonder if the hormone changes associated with long term denial also mean lowered testosterone (or other sexy hormone), such that the refractory period is longer than it would be for the same man when he is cumming regularly.

  4. I didnt suggest that a womans sex drive is driven solely by a need to have children or to land a man. Dont mis quote me
    You missed the point. Which was that we dont have the same sex drivers. And I said “EG” and EG women have a different biological imperative amongst other things – which men dont share

    As for reading the entire blog. You jest.

    1. Sorry if I misinterpreted your comment. It was barely legible, so that’s probably the issue.

      Otherwise, I can’t see the point in continuing a dialog.

  5. Disclaimer: haven’t read the book or the science behind orgasms and long term relationships.

    That said, isn’t prolactin the main culprit for the refractory period/orgasm crash? And I’ve heard men who take anti prolactin supplements for body building describe a frustration similar to the one orgasm denied men love so much. Like always being on the edge, unable to get to that final orgasmic stage followed by the exhausted/sleepy state. So I’m wondering if a little experimentation is in order… I sadly don’t have a testosterone filled human to test it out myself. Anyone who’s tried it and can report results?

      1. Well these guys were on prescription stuff, but I don’t wanna recommend any since I’m not a doctor and body building forums are prone to misinformation. Still, could be a thing to look into.

  6. Re: Womens reasoned to have sex
    Isn’t a good fuck and an orgasm or two reason enough? Or am I alone in that sentiment amongst females?

    Thumper, in all seriousness, have you come across any female devices or blogs? Yours resonates with me, but admittedly I identify with you more than Belle and believe orgasm denial could donkey a world of good on many level.

    (crummy phone reply, apologies)

  7. Could it be that the partner’s reaction to the male orgasm plays a role in the “drop” afterwards?
    My wife absolutely loves to make me come, and I rarely feel a letdown after. What I feel is that it takes me some days to get that cuddly feeling back, I have to work consciously to be affectionate at first, after a few days I am almost automatically.

  8. Conversation with my SO while we were having sex.

    Fuck Fuck Fuck “Can I come”


    Fuck Fuck Fuck “Can I come”


    Fuck Fuck Fuck “Can I come”

    “No and you already asked me that do you think I’m going to change my mind”

    Fuck Fuck Fuck “Can I come”

    “Now your just torturing yourself.”

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