Marked man

“You should probably just stop counting,” Belle said to me this morning after I mentioned that today made eleven weeks since she last let me come — approximately one-third of the total time I was denied before. Then, later, “I mean, you’ll just be counting forever.”

You see, Belle has decided I won’t have any more orgasms.

After talking about it, she’s unhappy with how I am after I come (even though it happens, on average, about once every 9 months) and is much happier with how I act and feel when I don’t and doesn’t like waiting around for my hormones to rebalance afterward (which, with the extension of duration between events, seems to take a lot longer than in the past). So that’s that. Calling a spade a spade. She’s happier and we’re better when I don’t come.

This concept has been bandied about before, but she’s pretty invested in it now. Belle said she thought something this momentous required a ceremony of some kind. It’s not unlike marriage vows, if you think about. Submitting to your parter’s control over your sexual release and willingly giving that up forever in exchange for her happiness and the salubrious benefits it has on our foundational relationship. Just saying, “No more for you,” without some kind of mutual acknowledgment of the significance of it would make backtracking too easy. Someday, maybe a long time from today, I’ll beg in a certain way and she’ll be in a certain mood and she’ll let me (like last time). Or I’ll be alone with the penis and allow it to think for me and I’ll fuck up. How can we take it a step further and solemnify the decision in a way that will make it more persistent?

DenyOver dinner last night, she decided what she wants to do. She wants me get a tattoo. And she wants to be there to see me get it. That will be our ceremony. The tattoo she’s chosen is the Japanese Kanji for “deny.” She wants it about an inch from the base of the penis, just above and to the right. It’ll always be there as a reminder to both of us that my denial is forever. If I ask or beg or plead to come, all she’ll have to do is touch me on the Kanji. Every time I’m naked, her decision will be there to see. Right next to the steel ring (usually) locked on me. I will never be in a position when I’ll be able to allow myself to forget my commitment to her control. Every time anyone sees the penis, they’ll see her decision right next to it. She wants me marked. So I will be.

And I’m telling you, she’s really excited about this. She was near giddy as the plan was falling into place during our dinner date last night. She was laughing and grinning and I was feeling nervous butterflies tumble around inside me as I sipped my wine silently. I’m both excited and a little scared. Probably how most guys feel when they get engaged. This is a Big Deal. Not the kind of thing that just happens.

Every time I think about it, I get hard. Not just hard at the idea, but from how invested in it she is. Whenever I see her do or say anything that shows me she’s really into this dynamic, it makes me happy. This, in particular, makes me very happy. This isn’t about humoring me. This is what she wants, too. No doubt about it.

It occurred to me this morning, while laying next to her in bed after she let me get her off and with the sticky penis she let me fuck her with between us, that I shouldn’t be thinking about this permanent denial thing as something that’s in the future. The tattoo and commitment “ceremony” are in the future, but the denial is already happening. As she said, I will be counting forever. The last time she let me come really was the last time.

And there go the butterflies again. This is what I’ve wanted. This is what I’ve asked for. But now it’s real. The tattoo will physically mark the day the phase of my life where I could hope for orgasm ended, but that’s a formality. In reality, that day is already in the past. That part of my life is over.

20 thoughts on “Marked man

  1. If this is what you both really want, then you should consider chemical castration. This would make it easier for you and would prevent future accidents. If the chemicals work out, then consider the surgery this would really make it permanent.

    My wife and I have discussed going a year for me, but I can’t be trusted and must wear a cage. The problem with the cage is that I’ve only been able to wear it for about 4-5 weeks before I get sores. She doesn’t want to spend the money on a belt, and we’ve discussed piercings, but she is grossed out by the idea, and I bleed easily. We talked about chemical castration. I think there are some natural herbs you can take, but I haven’t tried them. I would never want the surgery, but the idea of it is pretty kinky.

    Dave

  2. Wow, and holy fuck that’s big.

    From my reading you don’t want to be the court eunuch, but want to keep the edge that active denial offers you.

    Is there the risk that you’ll lose some of that edge if you aren’t aiming for a goal, or do you think the possible possibility of an orgasm is enough carrot to work with what is now a very, very big stick.

    1. …you don’t want to be the court eunuch, but want to keep the edge that active denial offers you.

      Exactly. Denial is what powers the dynamic.

      Is there the risk that you’ll lose some of that edge if you aren’t aiming for a goal?

      In a way, being denied *is* my goal. I stopped thinking of orgasm as a carrot a long time ago. I still crave them, but I don’t really want them.

  3. That’s heavy. Congratulations. Being marked like that is hot. I have no idea how “never again” would work. If anyone can make it work, it’s you two. I wish you a lot of enjoyment from her decision.

  4. You might wanna ask someone who knows Japanese if that sign has all the right connotations of ‘deny’. It might not mean what the literal translation says it means.

  5. One of my new patient’s came to me recently and he has a tattoo that went on in the 1970s when he was at college. It says “Keep on Truckin” He told me that he thought he knew then what he meant but he is certain that he is not really certain now what it means. He is not the first patient to confide in me with lament about a tattoo

    I am persuaded that everyone should have the freedom to choose what they want to do with their bodies. As you look / consider images, I would suggest that you look to something that has an affirming meaning… Such as the kanji for Commitment and Locked, or Service and Purpose. Just some ideas.

    Being marked in the manner you suggest is very powerful and frankly hot. My KH keeps talking about a PA all the time — something I am not keen about, but the day is coming I am certain.

  6. The commenters suggestion to fully explore the symbols meaning is a good one. You don’t want the wrong connotation. That being said, I don’t think Japanese is either of you or Belle’s first language so you are probably ok if the intended meaning is within the greater lexicon of it’s literal meaning. Guess I’m rationalizing a bit cause I want to see it once it’s done. Hurry the fuck up will you 🙂

  7. That kanji does mean ” deny, refuse, decline, no, negate, noes” so it would be correct. However if the tattoo doesnt have the strokes in the correct direction and places it could say something entirely different.

  8. I don’t think I would ever want this For myself nand David, the permanent denial, but I find it very intriguing and looking forward to reading more. Just discovered your blog.

  9. Kanji are Chinese characters which are used to write in Japanese Language along with Hiragana and Katakana (used only in Japanese), ( From a Japanese friend..)

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