Adam made this comment to my CB-6000 tips and tricks page:

hi thumper. sorry for the weird question but, not sure if i missed it but was there any advice you can give please about dealing with the emotional side of being locked in chastity? how to cope/deal with…… not sure how to explain just really struggling here and only been in cb6000 just over 3 days now. lol. very inexperienced. been feeling really anxious etc.

In a way, this whole blog is about that. But since that’s a lot of reading, let me try and summarize.

First and foremost, being locked up is supposed to be fun, hot, sexy, etc. It is not supposed to be anxiety-inducing (well, not the bad kind of anxiety anyway). If you’re not having fun or feeling hot and/or sexy, STOP.

Second, you don’t mention if this is something you’re doing with yourself or a partner. If with a partner, you need to talk it out with them. Was this their idea or yours? Or a joint venture? What were you hoping you’d feel versus what you’re feeling. Try and suss out why it makes you anxious (assuming it’s more than just being really horny which can be enough, I know). I guess what I’m saying is, if this is a dynamic you’re trying out with your partner, they need to be part of the solution.

If it’s something you’re trying by yourself, then take the damned thing off and have an orgasm. When we first started, I could barely go 24 hours being denied. The day after I didn’t come for the first time I was bouncing off the walls. I had to build up to days at a time before days turned to weeks then months. There’s an adjustment period your body has to go through as it processes the hormonal load that usually dissipates after orgasms. So don’t try and jump right to advanced denial. Walk before you run.

Now, all that said, sometimes chastity is supposed to be really frustrating. Sometimes it’s about the struggle of coping with the anxious edge of being locked up and separated from your dick and horny as hell and totally controlled. Just like other types of sadomasochism (because that’s what enforced chastity is), there’s both a good and evil side. Pain can be a total turn on or a terrible turn off. Same pain in the same place administered in the same way, opposite results. Same with chastity. You need to be in the right frame of mind when you enter into it or close enough that the fact it’s happening can coax you over the line. But if you’re freaked out to begin with, it’s not going to work. Good luck!

Alex mused:

Hey Thumper, love your blog! My girlfriend and I have been reading it for a while and just purchased our first chasity device. The Holy Trainer 2. We got the clear normal sized one. Took a couple try’s to get it on. However, whenever it’s on, it protrudes 1-2 inches from my body. Basically pulling the whole device with my balls/penis away. And the pelvic area that protrudes is hard tissue, but not due to being aroused as I had just orgasmed to help that issue. Any advice?

Hmm. That sounds like you’ve got an erection. Pretty typical stuff when sporting wood. If that’s not the case, is it too tight? Are your balls cold and blue? (BTW, cold and blue is a bad thing.) Is your flaccid penis six inches long? You’ve stumped me on that one. Readers?

Had the following exchange with someone getting pinched in their tube by their PA ring:

Hi Thumper – I just received my new Steelworxx CB-Zero and thought you would like to see –

Dims – 45mm Ring, 31mm cage, 82mm length

Fits very well – except night time erections are OUCHHHHHHHH!!! I believe it is pinching between the open rings – basically feels like cloths pins.  Hopefully time will help this a bit, but if this continues I will probably send a message to Dietmar to get a steelheart cage and just use the CB-Zero cage for when my wife wants that one on.  (She loves the look of this cage and having the ever so slight view of what’s going on inside.)

I think there might be some pinching with the PA fixing also – I’m using a 5/8″ 8ga smooth segment ring.  It’s really difficult to tell – do you have any advice on the PA fixing and preventing pinching and/or twisting?

Before I had a chance to reply, he added:

Hey Thumper – I sent you a message yesterday and I wanted to follow up.

I believe I determined the source of the “pinching” with the PA fixing.  I believe the segment ring is getting pushed into the top of the urethra during an attempted erection.  There must just not be enough room in the tip of the cage with the glands and segment ring.  Have you ever heard of this compliant with a Steelworxx device utilizing a captive bead or smooth segment ring?

And I said…

I was going to say it was the ring. I have a segment ring and can’t wear it for the same reason, either in or out of the SH. I’d try a captive bead ring. That’s what I use. Even though my piercing is a 4ga I wear an 8ga ring because it takes up less room in the tube. 

He replied…

Any idea what the difference between the smooth segment ring and captive bead ring is?  Is it lower profile on the bead side?


In my experience, the edges of the segment ring can be too sharp (and you have four of them). The ball ring has nothing but smooth surfaces. Nothing to bother the very tender tissue inside the urethra. 

I find that my segment ring has exposed edges and those edges are sharp as fuck. I really like the look of a segment ring, but I can’t wear it at all. Captive ball rings FTW.

That’s all, folks. Happy new year!

Holy Trainer v2 review

Processed with VSCOcam with b4 preset
What you get in the box.

The second iteration of the Holy Trainer male chastity device was released about 12 minutes after I finished my review of the first. In my experience and opinion, the new version makes what was already the leading plastic device even better.

Note that this review primarily covers how the device has changed in its revised version. For the most complete version of my opinion the Holy Trainer, be sure to also read my review of the v1 Trainer. One NSFW image puts the rest of this post after a jump…

Continue reading “Holy Trainer v2 review”

Belle’s analogy

At some point yesterday, I was showing Belle something on the Facebook and a message from Drew popped up. There’s no telling what he might be saying (or showing) so I quickly flicked the pop-up away and we kept doing whatever it was we were doing. I was 22% flummoxed.

Last night, as we were laying in bed going to sleep, she told me I didn’t have to worry about going out of my way to hide how and when I message him. It wasn’t a big deal to her. Also, she volunteered that she thought about my time with Drew as not being unlike when she went for a mani-pedi. A treat for myself that just doesn’t involve her. Without the noxious fumes.

In addition, she’s given her approval for me to go to LA with Drew over some weekend this summer to take in a ballgame in my hometown. Haven’t picked the dates yet and I need to figure out the logistics around the various metal detectors I’ll encounter (not just at the airport — MLB stadiums all have them now, too). I may need her to either let me wear plastic rather than the Steelheart or we’ll need to figure out some kind of picture-sending thing to ensure security.

I tell you this for no other reason than to point out what an exceptional spouse I have. Opening our marriage up in this way has only made it stronger.

With that, I wish all my readers a very merry Christmas and joyeux Noel.

Dan Savage interviewed by Playboy

Dan Savage sat down for a lengthy interview by Playboy.

PLAYBOY: In your view, who are the most offensive homophobes now?

SAVAGE: Vladimir Putin and the president of Uganda. We expected the backlash here in the U.S., but the backlash is abroad. What is our responsibility to queer people in Uganda who are being brutalized because of the rapid success of the gay-rights movement in the West? In countries like Uganda, leaders have this easy way to assert their moral superiority: hating gay people in the same way shitty, fucked-up Christians in America do. Putin is very blunt about this. It’s how they prove their moral superiority to the West. They don’t have to take better care of their citizens, they don’t have to have a functioning democracy, they don’t have to have a decent environment, they don’t have to have a justice system that works. They just have to hate gay people really hard and they’re better than the United States, better than Canada, better than France. It’s exactly like the Christians. They don’t have to stop masturbating, stop having premarital sex, stop drinking, stop getting divorced and remarried. All they have to do to be good Christians is hate gay people. “I don’t have to keep my dick out of anybody; I just have to hate you and where you’re putting your dick.”

It’s shit like this that make me love Dan Savage fiercely. So frank and so true. Read the interview.


Last time we were naked and rolling around together, an unusual thing happened. I couldn’t get it up. You know, these things happen. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t freak me out, though. And kinda like when I can’t fall asleep, the issue itself starts to become the issue and the flaccidness/wakefulness causes me to focus on the continued flaccidness/wakefulness and perpetuates additional flaccidness/wakefulness.

I woke up that morning laying on a raging hard-on since Belle had let me out the day before. I was super fucking turned-on and squirmed and rubbed the stiffy into the mattress waiting for her to wake up. Then, before getting her off, I was still all hard and leaky. I thought about just jumping her (because I know she likes it and I was in the right mood) but I did the usual and got her off with my fingers. Then she told me to go down on her and I eagerly complied. Then she came. It was all good.

But right then I figured out something was not quite right. It’s hard to explain but when you’re really grooving in the sack nothing feels weird or awkward or out of place, but at that moment, disentangling from the sheets and moving back up to be next to her I felt uncoordinated and not sexy. Then I started to worry about how my face smelled like her and how she’s not the biggest fan of that (though I’d use it as cologne) and the next thing I know I’m on top of her with a squishy tool. It just wasn’t right. I did really want to fuck her, but the connection wasn’t being made somewhere.

I laid next to her and she had the penis in her hand and she tried talking dirty to me. Not just any dirty talk, though. The kind a subbie little wannabe cuck with a penis humiliation kink wanted to hear. She told me about her boyfriend and how big he was and how much better he was at getting her off and, much to her surprise, the penis started to grow inside her grasp. This is really weird for her because she doesn’t have any understanding of where this comes from for me. It’s really alien to her.

Alas, it was for naught. The meat wasn’t cooperating. It drooped again.

As she was talking, she was also asking what a better tack was. Did I want to hear that her mythical boyfriend was better than me (bigger cock, better lover, etc.) or that the penis was insufficient to meet her needs? Since I know the boyfriend is mythical, he doesn’t much work for me. Hearing that she would like one with a bigger cock, though, does. Hearing that she thinks the penis is too small or thin or whatever does. She said that’s hard for her since that kind of talk essentially disregards all safeties nice girls have conditioned into them. I’ve written before about how she’s always been super expressive about how much she likes the penis, how good it feels inside her, etc., to the point that I have often suspected she was trying too hard to make me feel good about it. Also, her first husband was apparently much bigger (before we were married, she once compared it favorably to the Jeff Stryker dildo — should have been a clue to both of us that hearing the news was in no way damaging to my ego and I spent a lot of time imaging her fucking that big dick). But I’ve also written about how I got her to admit that she really does prefer the bigger dildos she’s let me use on her before. The penis would be better for her if it was bigger (specifically, thicker). In fact, that’s something she’s joked about a hundred times in the time I’ve known her: It’s not about the length, it’s all about the girth.

So yeah, the small penis thing works because it’s kinda true. It may not be as true as if I was only four inches long and as big around as a white board marker or something, but it’s still true. And yes, I do want to hear her say that to me. As often as she wants. While we’re having sex. Tell me that it’ll never be big enough to really get her off and that she probably should look for a man with a real cock if she wants to feel one, etc. That so, so works for me.

Over on the FetLife, I read this posted to the “Submissive men and women who love them” group (by a sub guy):

Name calling and humiliation

Why is this necasary?

I personally am not a fan of it. I understand that sometimes when punishments must be metted out they might come out as part of it but why is it necessary at any other point?

In my opinion a Domme/sub relationship is that of a sub devoting himself to a Lady. Serving Her and giving his will over to Her; while She in turn gives him a safe place to take the world off his shoulders and focus on nothing but his submission to Her.

To me name calling and huliation are not a safe place because you can never know what will truly hurt someone to their core.

Is my evaluation of a Domme/sub relationship wrong?

Ferns‘ reply was perfection, of course:

It’s not ‘necessary’, but some people find it fun and hot and awesome. And that’s great.

Similarly, it’s not ‘necessary’ to flog/cane/peg/smack/fuck/kiss/any-other-form-of-play someone either. But some people find that fun and hot and awesome also.

Erotic humiliation is a form of emotional masochism, just like impact play is a form of physical masochism.

Like others said: if you don’t like something, it’s easy enough to avoid getting involved with those who do.

“Emotional masochism” is exactly right. There may be a place where I will be “truly hurt to my core” but I’m nowhere near it right now. I can’t even imagine it. Partly because I don’t measure my worth by the length of the penis. I know how much I mean to Belle and how much we love one another and, for whatever reason, none of that is in any way threatened when she tells me the penis is too small for her. I will never resent her for saying it. I crave to hear her say it.

I have a friend I’ve known since junior high. After high school, he moved in with his soon-to-be stripper girlfriend who all our friends, male/gay/female alike, acknowledged was super hot. Not just in how she looked (which was way above average) but in how she comported herself. She was a strong female and I was especially drawn to her (and spent far too much time thinking about what I was saying when talking to her). She used to call my friend “Dickless.” It was her little nickname for him. She used it all the time and in front of everyone. It really pissed him off. Since he was one of the few guys I knew who I didn’t fuck/get fucked by around that time, I can’t say if it was true, but it didn’t matter. She was gleeful at his outrage. The madder he got, the cuter and more adorably she’d say it. It was fucking awesome. I’m not going to say I knew at the time I wanted her to be saying that to me, but I do remember how it affected me. There was a certain thrill at hearing her say it to him in front of everyone. I never for a second felt sorry for him. I was in awe of her.

So, flash forward to today. I know, intellectually, that the penis is not so small as to be of no value to Belle. I can and do get her off with it. It’s a perfectly serviceable size. But I also know it’s not exactly what she’d prefer. So, also intellectually, I can honestly say to myself it’s…insufficient. That little leverage is the fulcrum she could use to really take advantage of this particular fold in my sexuality. And I really wish she would.

The next morning, she tried it out a little. I was still free but she wanted me in and said I had to “lock that tiny dick up” or something very similar. That was pretty great. She says she’s not wired to be so mean to me and that it’s a challenge. I get that and I so appreciate that she would make the effort. But I also pointed out denying me orgasm was something she had a hard time with, too, and now it’s second nature for her. She’d never go back to letting me come when I want. Perhaps, in time, calling the penis what it is will end up the same way.

Follow-up for Kerri


I keep thinking back to the note I replied to yesterday. The one from a reader named Kerri who said, in part, “I cannot tell you how grateful I am for you to share your journey so publicly because I have found a lot of comfort in knowing that my desires aren’t necessarily singular, alone or deviant,” and, “…I don’t want to bare my soul to anyone who is likely to think I am weird…” and “[I] am so terrified of losing my husband, I either need to not feel how I do, or ask him to be what I need.”

Thing is, she never really came out and said what she needed or what her kink was. Did she want to carry a key? Or be locked? Or something else? Top? Bottom? No idea. But really, that doesn’t make a difference and it’s not what I keep thinking about.

So, I’m going to take another pass at her situation, but this time from a higher altitude. She said, “I either need to not feel how I do, or ask him to be what I need.” I can tell you right now, Kerri, you will not be able to stop being and feeling what you are. That bottle may stay stoppered for the rest of your life, but those feelings will never just evaporate no matter how far down you stuff them or how hard you will them to. They’re yours to keep. They are who you are.

No, you don’t necessarily need to act on your feelings/urges/whatever. Not everyone does (and, just between you and me, not everything you think is sexy ends up actually being that in real life). But I’m guessing that since you took the time to write me, they’re pushing at you pretty hard.

The second thing you said — “or ask him to be what I need” — is equally fraught. He may be what you need. That would be like drawing a straight flush, though. More likely, he is what he is and perhaps he can act like what you need him to be or what you both are has enough overlap to work. That’s the best case scenario, in my opinion. It’s also possible he can’t even think of being what you need him to be. That’s a scary prospect, I agree.

I don’t know you, let alone him, but you fear losing him and destroying your marriage and breaking up your family because of the kind of sex you want to have. Only you know him. Is that really likely? Or are you shaming yourself for being who you are? Are you inflicting fear of rejection and loss as a kind of punishment on yourself for being unlike who you think you need to be? I would know from that as I did it. Many times I felt like a complete freak and, even after leveling with Belle on all my various kinks and desires, making our sexual relationship work often felt too hard and I knew inside it was all my fault. Because I was not normal.

What I know now, and what I want you to hear, is there is no normal. There’s different. There’s compatible and incompatible. There are things each of us like and don’t. But nobody on this earth is normal. Not you, not me, not your husband, not the fucking Pope or President of the United States. People act normally (or, what they think is normal), but I think we all have our little kinks and peculiarities. We’re all kinky little fuckers deep down inside. And none of us are to judge what turns someone else’s crank (as long as it’s all consensual and practiced ethically, etc.). Not even ourselves.

So, please please free yourself from that guilt. Of that dread. You deserve to feel as you feel. You deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with you.

I know I’m incredibly lucky. I have a wonderful and supportive partner/friend/wife/keyholder who has made the realization of my sexuality not only possible but also rewarding. And it’s because of her support that I know how empowering it is to feel outside the shell we can make for ourselves when it comes to walling off whatever sexual feelings we have that fall outside the bullshit cultural paradigm. You need to break out of that shell to feel whole. You need to face who you are and give your husband the benefit of the doubt to face it with you.

This advice shit is tricky. Like I said, I know nothing more than what you told me in your note. Your husband may be a dick and maybe you already know he won’t be supportive. In which case, I wonder why anyone would want to live like that. But I’m making the assumption he isn’t. I can’t map out all the moves for you, but I can tell you how great it is not to be living with an important part of you hidden away from someone you love and who loves you.

Sure, do the things I mentioned yesterday. Buy the book, go to FetLife, maybe find a local group of like-minded perverts. But whatever you do, start the conversation with your husband. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but make the commitment and start working towards it now.

And don’t forget: We’re all kinky fuckers, every last one of us, in our own special ways. And it’s great.


Johnny wanted to know:

Can you explain how  the steelworxx pa fitting works. How does it feel when flaccid or hard? Does it put pressure on the piercing.

The fixing goes through the PA ring and then into the tube and onto the tube’s posts before locking. It allows for easy movement of the ring back and forth and up and down (to an extent) but does not allow for the PA ring to be completely withdrawn (and neither, therefore, is it possible for the penis). I don’t feel it at all when flaccid and will only occasionally feel a pinch when hard if I’m wearing my normal 4ga PA ring. Usually (like now) I’m wearing an 8ga ring and it’s rarely uncomfortable.

Here’s a video (way NSFW) I made a while back that shows how the whole thing comes together.

Tyler asked:

Hey man.  I love your blog about your Looker 02 chastity device.  I am very interested in getting one of these as well.  I have looked at the steelworxx website and I am confused about how I order one for my size.  How do I size myself and know which sizes to buy?  Are you in the US?  Is there anywhere in the US to get them?   Thanks man

There’s three sizes you need to order a Looker 02 (and pretty much any other device like that one): Flaccid penis length, flaccid penis circumference, and flaccid circumference around both the penis and your balls. I recommend several measurements since penises are tricky beasts and move around and back and forth, all on their own accord. Get an average and make sure, if it affects you, to specifically not think about what you’re doing. Also, do not succumb to the temptation to add length for your erection. You’ll be more comfortable in a shorter tube than a longer one.

Note that the circumference of your entire package is probably the one you’ll get wrong. You don’t want whatever size cock ring you wear since a cock ring needs to accommodate a fully erect penis and the A-ring of a chastity device doesn’t. However, if you make it too small, your balls will turn cold and blue and that’s VERY BAD. My advice, assuming you have the budget, is to get two or more rings and/or prepare yourself mentally to be sending your device back at some point to get a new ring.

There are other measurements like the gap between the ring and the tube, but I let Dietmar use his defaults on those and have been satisfied.

No, there is no US location for Steelworxx. It’s basically one craftsman in Germany (as far as I know).

Kerri said:

I’m not expecting you to reply, I just hope maybe you can help my journey.

I’ve been following your blog for over a year now and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for you to share your journey so publicly because I have found a lot of comfort in knowing that my desires aren’t necessarily singular, alone or deviant.

I would like to find an online resource where I can ask for advice in a safe environment.  I don’t know how to process the way I am feeling or how to best explain it to my husband.  I have looked for forums where I might ask advice, but I don’t want to bare my soul to anyone who is likely to think I am weird.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12 and have 2 children.  I have always felt the way I do now but am so terrified of losing my husband, I either need to not feel how I do, or ask him to be what I need.

I don’t want to bother you with all our details, but if you can suggest any online resources that might help, please do.  I firmly believe that we can be great together based on the times we have experimented, but I would dearly love some advice on how to approach the situation so that I don’t ruin things between us.

I assume you’re a woman looking to be denied orgasm by your husband, though I suppose you could be the other way around.

I have never been asked this before, if indeed I’m correct about what you’re asking. You are not alone or deviant. Not at all and not in the slightest. My first advice would be to get yourself a FetLife profile and find a group of people like you and/or in your area. There’s also the book When Someone You Love is Kinky. You could get that and give it to your husband when you have the talk.

Other than that, I’m not sure what to say except that YOU ARE NOT A FREAK and if your husband loves you, he won’t think you are either. I have been where you are and felt as you do and am so much happier now to own who I am and what makes me happy. You will be, too, someday. I promise.

I ask my readers (many of whom are women) to chime in with their perspectives.

Niklas opined:

Sorry for the following cheesyness, but i really need to get this off my chest first:

“WOW!!! I stumbled upon your blog recently and its absolutely insane how much time and effort you seem to be devoting into it. Hands down: This is probably the best and most authentic ressource on the topic that i’ve seen and your videos and, posts and reviews have been a tremendous help and encouragement to give this whole thing a spin. Thank you SO MUCH for this great blog and keep keep up the good work”

You’ve got me to the point where i’m (quite literally) a mouseclick away from odering my first ever device and i’m sort of torn between the HolyTrainer 2 and the Steelheart. To me the trainer seems to make a lot more sense anatomically speaking and the steelheart seems to be kind of hard to keep clean…

However the price difference is not thaaaat big and you said the steelheart hangs lower (so is less visible?!) and generally metall i guess would be better. Also I have a PA so that would be a plus for the Steelheart.

I would still tend to the trainer but you seem to have such good experience with the Steelheart…

Also I’m wondering if there is a limit as to who can buy the smaller tubes with the Trainer. If i understand correct „the more squezed everything is, the more comfy, because an errections just doesn’t even built up“?

Maybe you’d give some advice to a novice if you have a minute. I’d be really really psyched.

Get the Holy Trainer 2. If you really dig it, upgrade to steel with a PA fixing later on.

The size of the tube is related to the size of your flaccid penis, not your erection. I can’t explain why, but giving your hard-on more room ends up being more painful than not.

Steph wanted to know:

Just looking for advice on what would be the best chastity for allowing one to workout .. these would be the areas i’d be considering —

cycling (spin classes and road bike), running, swimming, pilate/yoga

The choosing from my point of view really would seem to come down to having any behind-the-sac rings or going with tubes that would be kept on by pa piercings. i like the concept also of urethral tubes, but not too sure how that would go with working out.

A few months ago, I wrote this. Touches on a lot of what you’re asking.

That said, I don’t think any device will work for you doing pilates or yoga. Too much stretching, etc., and I’m assuming you aren’t interested in everyone seeing what’s locked between your legs. Steelworxx has several interesting devices (like this one) that don’t go behind scrotum, but I haven’t worn any of them. Perhaps one of those would be better for those kinds of activities.

That’s all I have right now. Regular apologies to those who waited for a reply.

Advice for Miles

Reader Miles wrote in:

Hey Thumper,

I have been following your blog off and on, and lurking on the chastity forum for q little more than 2 years. It was almost exactly 2 years ago that my wife and I had our first conversation about chastity. She immediately thought it was hot,  and had me locked up as soon as my first device arrived. I bought her a book that I think was called “Locked Up Love,” which she read in one evening and then we had a lot of fun for most of the next 5 months, building to lockups of 2 weeks.

We have faced some obstacles. Aside from always kinking on bondage and being turned on by the idea of having my cock locked up, this was meant to be a way to keep me interested when my wife goes through longish periods of low libido related to feeling tired, anxiety, and stress. I didn’t want to have a sex life without her, so I wanted to be locked up when she wasn’t interested . All along, I have been jealous of other guys whose wives like playing with their husband while he is locked, so I really would love to be denied longterm, but my wife really only gets off with PIV and is only rarely interested in receiving oral or our vibrator.

As time went on, her interest in all things physically intimate have faded, and as of a few months ago, I felt like I was really struggling with feelings of inadequacy, worrying that she was falling out of love, and that she didn’t value the intimacy in our relationship that I so badly needed.

At that time, I began entertaining myself by reading Craigslist personals and fantasizing about meeting someone who would play with me while I was locked up to keep me from feeling so depressed and unwanted. Cheap, I know. I am a terrible husband.

At the beginning of last month, I encountered a personal for a guy in my neighborhood who likes to play with bondage and a ton of other kinks with men and women. I met him twice, played, and enjoyed the sessions way too much. He did things to me that I never would have known that I wanted. I was overcome with guilt and ended the second session early crying and feeling completely awful about everything.

I channeled that guilt into communicating with my wife and trying to improve things. For a couple of weeks she stepped things up, and I felt so good that I was certain that I wouldn’t be seeing him again. But now we have slipped back into our sexless new normal and I can’t stop thinking about returning to my new playmate. I emailed him yesterday, and am looking at meeting him Thursday.

Your perspective would be much appreciated. I feel terrible leading a double life and violating my wife’s trust, but I also feel like a bad person when I resent her decreased libido and neglect. What should I do?

There are times when I listen or read Dan Savage and I think, hey, this sex advice thing isn’t so hard. Then there are times when he gets a call or letter like this one and I just go…gah.

Your message speaks to me. The order of operations is mixed up, but I was where you are. With the guilty crying and everything.

First things first. I do not consider you a bad person. You have needs. Basic, simple needs. Your wife may not (or may not consistently), but I really understand how your craving the kind of human contact you’re finding with this other guy would drive you to him. I do not fault you for needing that and, no matter what, I don’t think anyone should shame you into thinking you’re bad. Not even yourself.

That said, the only way to resolve this is to lay it out for your wife. You’ll either continue to feel like shit for going outside your marriage without permission or become numb to it — neither of which are good outcomes. Whatever the solution is, she needs to be part of it. I assume you have not yet told her about the Criagslist guy. But I think you should. As hard as that may be for you. She may not know how far you’ve gone to get what you aren’t getting at home but she needs to. She deserves to. You will not resolve this issue until it’s out there for both of you.

You say she’s tired, stressed and anxious. Is it stuff around the house? Kids? Her job? What are the proactive things you can do to help alleviate her issues? How can you lift those worries from her?

You say Craigslist guy did things you never knew you wanted. So now that you’ve had them, is there any chance you can get them from your wife? Even if her libido was back? If not, that’s something else that needs to be addressed. Either you will live without them or she’ll help you indulge those needs or she’ll give you permission to seek them elsewhere. It’s hard, though not impossible, to repack those crates once they’ve been unpacked.

Ultimately, I think you need to get into counseling, but I’d make sure to find one that’s kink or sex-positive in your area (Google can be your friend). I’m posting this as opposed to replying directly to your email in hopes some of the smarter people reading my blog can weigh in. I’ve found recently there are some not-so-smart or sex-positive readers, too, but I’ll bat them away as necessary.

As I said, your message really spoke to me. I feel you. I hope some of this helps.

Moist mishap

This past holiday week was not unlike having two and a half weekends all mushed together. And, as such, we had a fair bit of sex. Belle wouldn’t let me out of the Steelheart on any of the occasions I was allowed to get her off, though, and even though I’m still kinda getting over the two orgasms she let me have a week ago, that cranked me up pretty good.

I had that “orgasms aren’t that bad, maybe we should let me have more of them” thing going on but that’s since receded. What didn’t is the crazy intense urge to be inside her, especially after being given the chance to play with her pussy as much as I did. Serious teeth-grating kind of intensity. But she wasn’t having any of it.

Sunday morning it was unclear anything would happen since so much already had. Turns out, she was willing to let me have a fuck. And only a fuck. She didn’t even take her top off. It was very transactional. Like she was rolling her eyes and enduring what I wanted as a treat for good behavior. There was a time when that might have bothered me, but I was so horny and needing to get the penis wet, I dove right in anyway.

And it was pretty fucking great, to be honest. She didn’t let me do anything to get her juiced up so it was a tight, dry fit at first and normally I’d be worried about her but, you know, she told me to so I let myself get off on the feeling. I was doing really well and enjoying the lack of impending orgasm that sometimes happens when I know we’re not trying to make her come. I can just fuck and fuck and never get very close and that’s what it was like…until it very suddenly wasn’t.

I don’t know what happened. I think I got so into it and the feeling of it and how wonderful it was and how I wasn’t thinking about coming at all that when I realized it was all of a sudden and quite freakishly right fucking there that I froze. And just in the nick of time, too, because while I spewed forth all the seed that had been frustratingly collected over the past week and through all the sex, etc., I didn’t have any of the other orgasmic symptoms. I didn’t feel like I had come. Except in one particular way: The penis immediately and completely went limp.

“The worst thing in the world for you,” Belle said immediately after, “Something you can’t categorize.”

Funny. But it was kinda true. Such a weird thing. In retrospect, I’ve labelled it a ruined orgasm. The rapid depressurization of the penis tissue was, I think, caused by being freaked out by getting so close to coming and not having been able to feel it approach until the very last moment. But I was still pretty damned horny. Horny enough to drool over the Tumblr and feel more of that molar-grinding kind of frustration later in the day while the free penis meat moved around distractingly inside my pants.

And I’m still out. Belle said she was feeling lazy and left me free until we arrive in NYC tomorrow. Don’t know which she wants me in, but I’d vote Trainer 2.0 only because the plastic will make the various metal detectors tourists sometimes find in New York less annoying. And, since I’m basically on my own for the first several days we’re there as she does work stuff, I don’t know why she’d care. But it’s her choice, not mine. I can work around the steel if that’s what she prefers.

Finally, I want to wrap this by clarifying something that I think a significant number of you (though not a majority) appear to think is the case regarding Belle and me and the openness in our marriage she’s allowed. Namely, some of you are apparently of the opinion she’s being victimized or taken advantage of by me, her sex-crazed maybe-homosexual and apparently insensitive lout of a husband. Or something like that. Trust me, nothing could be further from the truth. I have been very careful to check in with her and get a sense of her well-being through this entire experiment. I continue to do it even now. She doesn’t post here so you have to accept I’m telling the truth and haven’t left her tied and gagged in the closet (which is my thing anyway), but it’s true. She’s perfectly OK with what’s happening as long as it happens within the bounds she’s set up. Really. And having those boundaries is a very normal part of open relationships. Look it up.

Second finally, it’s honestly shocking to me the comments I continue to receive here (let alone those on Drew’s blog) from those who have a problem with men having sex with other men. Or, even more unsettling, men falling in love with and marrying other men (as is the case with Drew and Axel). Please, if you feel that homosexuals should not marry or, if they have already done so, are not really married because they’re gay, get the fuck out of here and never return. I honestly hate you and it pains me to think you would gather any value from my blog. People like you are part of why this world sucks for people like me who are not part of the standard of normal, let alone for the millions of loving gay people who are just trying to have a fucking life. You are the worst.

And with that, I shall bid you adieu. If you’re a cool cat who lives or works in NYC and wants to hang out, eat something, or imbibe a beer or two, let me know. I’m pretty much a lone spirit until Thursday afternoon. I have some stuff I want to do, but my schedule is pretty open. Also, know that as an avowed introvert, placing myself out there like that makes me really freaked out. But I’ll try and be normal anyway. As long as you are. And aren’t planning on trying to kill me or something.