Reader Miles wrote in:
I have been following your blog off and on, and lurking on the chastity forum for q little more than 2 years. It was almost exactly 2 years ago that my wife and I had our first conversation about chastity. She immediately thought it was hot, and had me locked up as soon as my first device arrived. I bought her a book that I think was called “Locked Up Love,” which she read in one evening and then we had a lot of fun for most of the next 5 months, building to lockups of 2 weeks.
We have faced some obstacles. Aside from always kinking on bondage and being turned on by the idea of having my cock locked up, this was meant to be a way to keep me interested when my wife goes through longish periods of low libido related to feeling tired, anxiety, and stress. I didn’t want to have a sex life without her, so I wanted to be locked up when she wasn’t interested . All along, I have been jealous of other guys whose wives like playing with their husband while he is locked, so I really would love to be denied longterm, but my wife really only gets off with PIV and is only rarely interested in receiving oral or our vibrator.
As time went on, her interest in all things physically intimate have faded, and as of a few months ago, I felt like I was really struggling with feelings of inadequacy, worrying that she was falling out of love, and that she didn’t value the intimacy in our relationship that I so badly needed.
At that time, I began entertaining myself by reading Craigslist personals and fantasizing about meeting someone who would play with me while I was locked up to keep me from feeling so depressed and unwanted. Cheap, I know. I am a terrible husband.
At the beginning of last month, I encountered a personal for a guy in my neighborhood who likes to play with bondage and a ton of other kinks with men and women. I met him twice, played, and enjoyed the sessions way too much. He did things to me that I never would have known that I wanted. I was overcome with guilt and ended the second session early crying and feeling completely awful about everything.
I channeled that guilt into communicating with my wife and trying to improve things. For a couple of weeks she stepped things up, and I felt so good that I was certain that I wouldn’t be seeing him again. But now we have slipped back into our sexless new normal and I can’t stop thinking about returning to my new playmate. I emailed him yesterday, and am looking at meeting him Thursday.
Your perspective would be much appreciated. I feel terrible leading a double life and violating my wife’s trust, but I also feel like a bad person when I resent her decreased libido and neglect. What should I do?
There are times when I listen or read Dan Savage and I think, hey, this sex advice thing isn’t so hard. Then there are times when he gets a call or letter like this one and I just go…gah.
Your message speaks to me. The order of operations is mixed up, but I was where you are. With the guilty crying and everything.
First things first. I do not consider you a bad person. You have needs. Basic, simple needs. Your wife may not (or may not consistently), but I really understand how your craving the kind of human contact you’re finding with this other guy would drive you to him. I do not fault you for needing that and, no matter what, I don’t think anyone should shame you into thinking you’re bad. Not even yourself.
That said, the only way to resolve this is to lay it out for your wife. You’ll either continue to feel like shit for going outside your marriage without permission or become numb to it — neither of which are good outcomes. Whatever the solution is, she needs to be part of it. I assume you have not yet told her about the Criagslist guy. But I think you should. As hard as that may be for you. She may not know how far you’ve gone to get what you aren’t getting at home but she needs to. She deserves to. You will not resolve this issue until it’s out there for both of you.
You say she’s tired, stressed and anxious. Is it stuff around the house? Kids? Her job? What are the proactive things you can do to help alleviate her issues? How can you lift those worries from her?
You say Craigslist guy did things you never knew you wanted. So now that you’ve had them, is there any chance you can get them from your wife? Even if her libido was back? If not, that’s something else that needs to be addressed. Either you will live without them or she’ll help you indulge those needs or she’ll give you permission to seek them elsewhere. It’s hard, though not impossible, to repack those crates once they’ve been unpacked.
Ultimately, I think you need to get into counseling, but I’d make sure to find one that’s kink or sex-positive in your area (Google can be your friend). I’m posting this as opposed to replying directly to your email in hopes some of the smarter people reading my blog can weigh in. I’ve found recently there are some not-so-smart or sex-positive readers, too, but I’ll bat them away as necessary.
As I said, your message really spoke to me. I feel you. I hope some of this helps.