Advice for Miles

Reader Miles wrote in:

Hey Thumper,

I have been following your blog off and on, and lurking on the chastity forum for q little more than 2 years. It was almost exactly 2 years ago that my wife and I had our first conversation about chastity. She immediately thought it was hot,  and had me locked up as soon as my first device arrived. I bought her a book that I think was called “Locked Up Love,” which she read in one evening and then we had a lot of fun for most of the next 5 months, building to lockups of 2 weeks.

We have faced some obstacles. Aside from always kinking on bondage and being turned on by the idea of having my cock locked up, this was meant to be a way to keep me interested when my wife goes through longish periods of low libido related to feeling tired, anxiety, and stress. I didn’t want to have a sex life without her, so I wanted to be locked up when she wasn’t interested . All along, I have been jealous of other guys whose wives like playing with their husband while he is locked, so I really would love to be denied longterm, but my wife really only gets off with PIV and is only rarely interested in receiving oral or our vibrator.

As time went on, her interest in all things physically intimate have faded, and as of a few months ago, I felt like I was really struggling with feelings of inadequacy, worrying that she was falling out of love, and that she didn’t value the intimacy in our relationship that I so badly needed.

At that time, I began entertaining myself by reading Craigslist personals and fantasizing about meeting someone who would play with me while I was locked up to keep me from feeling so depressed and unwanted. Cheap, I know. I am a terrible husband.

At the beginning of last month, I encountered a personal for a guy in my neighborhood who likes to play with bondage and a ton of other kinks with men and women. I met him twice, played, and enjoyed the sessions way too much. He did things to me that I never would have known that I wanted. I was overcome with guilt and ended the second session early crying and feeling completely awful about everything.

I channeled that guilt into communicating with my wife and trying to improve things. For a couple of weeks she stepped things up, and I felt so good that I was certain that I wouldn’t be seeing him again. But now we have slipped back into our sexless new normal and I can’t stop thinking about returning to my new playmate. I emailed him yesterday, and am looking at meeting him Thursday.

Your perspective would be much appreciated. I feel terrible leading a double life and violating my wife’s trust, but I also feel like a bad person when I resent her decreased libido and neglect. What should I do?

There are times when I listen or read Dan Savage and I think, hey, this sex advice thing isn’t so hard. Then there are times when he gets a call or letter like this one and I just go…gah.

Your message speaks to me. The order of operations is mixed up, but I was where you are. With the guilty crying and everything.

First things first. I do not consider you a bad person. You have needs. Basic, simple needs. Your wife may not (or may not consistently), but I really understand how your craving the kind of human contact you’re finding with this other guy would drive you to him. I do not fault you for needing that and, no matter what, I don’t think anyone should shame you into thinking you’re bad. Not even yourself.

That said, the only way to resolve this is to lay it out for your wife. You’ll either continue to feel like shit for going outside your marriage without permission or become numb to it — neither of which are good outcomes. Whatever the solution is, she needs to be part of it. I assume you have not yet told her about the Criagslist guy. But I think you should. As hard as that may be for you. She may not know how far you’ve gone to get what you aren’t getting at home but she needs to. She deserves to. You will not resolve this issue until it’s out there for both of you.

You say she’s tired, stressed and anxious. Is it stuff around the house? Kids? Her job? What are the proactive things you can do to help alleviate her issues? How can you lift those worries from her?

You say Craigslist guy did things you never knew you wanted. So now that you’ve had them, is there any chance you can get them from your wife? Even if her libido was back? If not, that’s something else that needs to be addressed. Either you will live without them or she’ll help you indulge those needs or she’ll give you permission to seek them elsewhere. It’s hard, though not impossible, to repack those crates once they’ve been unpacked.

Ultimately, I think you need to get into counseling, but I’d make sure to find one that’s kink or sex-positive in your area (Google can be your friend). I’m posting this as opposed to replying directly to your email in hopes some of the smarter people reading my blog can weigh in. I’ve found recently there are some not-so-smart or sex-positive readers, too, but I’ll bat them away as necessary.

As I said, your message really spoke to me. I feel you. I hope some of this helps.

9 thoughts on “Advice for Miles

  1. Try getting her hormone levels checked. This happened to my wife and they found her testosterone level had dropped to near zero. She was given a hormone replacement cream that’d has brought her libido up to a much more normal level.

    It’s not uncommon, but you will have to fight the doctors to get it, most don’t know that this therapy is ok for a woman.

  2. My situation is not very different from yours, Miles. My wife has had almost no interest in sex for years now. I have a long interest in enforced chastity and decided to approach her about locking me up. She wasn’t enthusiastic but agreed to make me happy. I also started a blog (Thumper, not here to promote it!). My wife agreed to post along with me. I didn’t start the blog to help my relationship, just to try to provide an honest perspective on enforced chastity.

    However, it turned out that our posts provided insights that have turned my sex life around. She is still uninterested in sex for herself, but now understands my needs and is consistently providing me with the attention I need.

    The key is communication. My choice isn’t for everyone. However, even if you agree to exchange daily emails about your needs and thoughts and she does the same, you may be surprised at the results.

    In terms of discovering that you like some of the things the Craig’s List male did to/with you, represents your sexual vocabulary expanding. You have a couple of choices: discuss (or write) about your needs with your wife. See what she says. If your interest is in the activity and not the fact that your partner is a male, maybe she can give you what you want. If it is the fact that you want to relate to another man, that can change things.

    Neither my wife nor I are interested in opening up our relationship. But if you find you need that male companionship, you have to discuss this with her. Let’s face it, one sure way to screw up a marriage is to go behind your wife’s back for needed release.

    It may come down to deciding what is most important to you. If you can work out a way to get a good level of satisfaction from your wife without going outside the marriage, then all you have to do is communicate every day about how things are going. Get her to let you know how she feels about what she is doing.

    All I can say is that over the last 11 months our lives have changed radically. If you open up, you may be pleasantly surprised.

    One last thing: Thumper, your reply seemed to focus more on the fact that Miles went to another man. I can understand your sensitivity there. I don’t think that is the issue at all. It may turn out that male/male sexual contact is important to Miles too, but right now I think the issue is about communication, negotiation, and compromise.

    1. I also started a blog (Thumper, not here to promote it!).

      Link away, I don’t mind.

      One last thing: Thumper, your reply seemed to focus more on the fact that Miles went to another man. I can understand your sensitivity there. I don’t think that is the issue at all. It may turn out that male/male sexual contact is important to Miles too, but right now I think the issue is about communication, negotiation, and compromise.

      I don’t disagree with your conclusion, but I fail to see where I was sensitive about the fact that it was a man he was seeing on the side. I made no special comment about it other than to say what that person was doing was something Miles was getting off on, not who was doing it necessarily. It’s the what that he needs to figure out how to deal with more than anything as he progresses through this with his wife if the what is something she’s unable to perform, either for biological reasons or otherwise (which, by the way, was not my assumption — based on his comment, I assumed it was the bondage and “other stuff”).

  3. To Miles:

    . . . this was meant to be a way to keep me interested when my wife goes through longish periods of low libido related to feeling tired, anxiety, and stress.

    I’ve read through this letter three times and I keep coming back to this.^

    If the reason for you being locked up is to keep you interested… What’s in it for her, exactly? Because if she’s suffering from lowered libido, she needs something (someone?) to keep her interested too. And was this the reason that was cited before the lock-up agreement began? If it was, then a “let’s review our goals” conversation should be had easily enough. If it was your internal reasoning, however… That’s a huge knot to untie.

    I point this out only because it’s sometimes best to begin at the beginning. And if the beginning was paved on uneven stones, the entire road needs to be reconstructed.

    As for seeking what you need elsewhere… I absolutely agree with Thumper’s response on that point. I’m assuming, based on your letter, that you are in a monogamous (or presumed monogamous) relationship. That’s not where I’m at, but I’ve seen the devastation wrought by cheating. I hope you can find the courage, and soon, to tell her the truth. It’s the only way you’ll ever truly get resolution.

    I wish you the best.

    1. Like I said…

      I’m posting this as opposed to replying directly to your email in hopes some of the smarter people reading my blog can weigh in.

      And there she is!

  4. To Thumper:

    “Advice” is such a sticky wicket. For what it’s worth, I think your answer to Miles was well-thought-out and compassionate.

    One thing that resonated with me – HUGE – is the idea that some crates, once unpacked, are difficult to repack.

    I had a conversation with a friend about this recently about the old addage, “Ignorance is bliss.” In some ways, it truly is. There are things – amazing things, beautiful things, sexually fulfilling things – that, once discovered, can never again be unknown. And once you’ve (I’ve) had a taste of something you (I) never knew you were craving… The appetite that’s created will always hunger for more. And if that’s something you can’t get ‘at home’ (so to speak), it can make for some damned difficult decisions.

  5. One thing that seems to drive an interest in chastity is using it as a way to keep a sexual focus in a relationship where the partners have widely different levels of desire. If you start with chastity as a way to require your partner’s attention to your needs, you will hit this snag. Now the partner with less drive can “set it and forget it”, thinking that’s all that is needed. Check out some of the early posts here-Thumper had plenty of bad times as Belle worked out her new role in their relationship.
    If your wife has decided to ignore your desire for sexual closeness, even within the bounds of her low libido, that is a whole other conversation. After all, the enforcement part of chastity is a big part of the fun, right? It’s a head game. The contraptions are symbols as much as anything.

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