Belle read my previous post about the penis problems from the other day and, while liking it in general, thought I was being defensive in the comments. Mostly because she was on the same page as the other women who left their thoughts. Essentially, women are conditioned/assume that if a man can’t get it up it’s somehow a reflection upon them, the woman he’s with, and not something else going on with the guy. The male commenters who indicated an opinion on the matter seemed to back me up. That erections were not as simple as showing a guy something sexually stimulating and waiting for the spongy tissue to fill up.
As the conversation went on, I realized that perhaps I was being a bit defensive, but I honestly don’t think it was underserved defensiveness. Usually, when I feel that way, it’s because the basic point of whatever post is being commented on has been missed. While that post didn’t have a salient point (some do, some don’t), I did try to establish as a man with a penis attached to his body that the simple stimulation = hard-on idea was incorrect. Yes, even men in all their supposedly binary simplistic ways, have a bit of nuance in how their sex works.
The notion that men’s sexual stimulation is as simple as a flicking a switch and that any issues he has, assuming they’re not physiological, are the responsibility of his partner seems to me sexist all the way around. As if men are simple bits with on and off settings and nothing in between and no psychological dimension to their arousal and, similarly, if he can’t get it up, it’s her problem, not his. That’s all kinds of fucked up.
I try not to go out of my way to find offense in things like this and I’m not trying assign the label of “sexist” on anyone in the conversation (and I’m fairly surprised to feel as though I’m on the other side of a sexist notion, to be honest about it). It could even be argued I’m overreacting. But it’s how I feel and, I think, the root of my “defensiveness.”
Of course, I didn’t need to write a post about erectile dysfunction issues. I could have glossed right over it. I don’t write about everything, after all. But I did and part of why I did was to hash out the difference between not getting it up because I wasn’t turned-on and not getting it up even though I was. Plus, I very specifically wanted to disabuse Belle of any idea that she was responsible. She may own the penis but she can’t control its function with such granularity. I became annoyed because the comments immediately went to where I specifically tried to redirect the issue. It’s fair to say women are conditioned to think their partner’s erections are their problems, but it’s frustrating to see that notion defended by women. I don’t think it’s fair nor anywhere near as simple.
I’ve written many times here that chastity and denial have rewritten some of the basic penis programming. It gets hard significantly less often due to stimulation while locked up than it does when unlocked. Additionally, once she comes, my body reacts in many ways as if I’ve come, though with less intensity than if I actually had. I also don’t think it gets quite as hard as it used to in similar situations nor does it stay as hard for as long. It’s very much a different organ than it was when we started (this even extends to the physical — there’s a permanent dent in the shaft now right where the Steelheart’s tube would hit during an erection). Plus, of course, chastity, denial, and D/s make me think about it and its role a lot more than a vanilla guy would. So it’s not really surprising to me at all that it would, on occasion, develop a hiccup. Even if only once in a while.
I can’t say to what extent Drew factors into any of this except to make the point as delicately as possible that the penis is usually not hard with him except when I’m under very specific stimulation. I have some theories as to why I seem to have had an issue resetting to being with Belle, but none of them are scary or menacing or anything at all anyone needs to worry about. It’s just how it is. A temporary blip.
For the record, the Sunday morning the penis worked exactly as designed. She told me I could fuck her and, as soon as I felt her wet pussy, it was ready for the task. No delay. It stayed that way the entire time until I came. The orgasm was intense, even painful, but not unpleasant. Clearly, whatever the cause of the previous day’s issues, they were resolved. I’d prefer not to think of it as a “problem” and it’s certainly not Belle’s to worry about. I really wish she wouldn’t, regardless of conditioning.
The penis is a fascinating “device” that has a mind of his own very often. I tell my wife I wish she should just have it for a day (I’d swap for breasts for 24 hours) and she’d know. But your blog is one of education so thank you.
Not to belabor it, but what you said with Drew I find to be the same with my boyfriend, and every now and then with my wife. I don’t worry about it with him because the relationship is about his dick, not mine and he doesn’t care. He’s not hard all the time either which held my ego to.
JC
If the sexuality of men were simple, this blog wouldn’t exist. Most of the Internet wouldn’t exist, come to think of it. Surely there don’t need to be millions upon millions of different fetishistic websites to satisfy the desire to men to look at boobies and feel friction on their penises.
I’ve had similar experiences. One was massively upsetting. In the last relationship I had before meeting and marrying my wife (about 12 years ago), we were at a BDSM weekend event. A friend (submissive woman…I was a top, mostly, then) asked if she could stay in our hotel room with us. We had a single, king-sized bed. I had topped this woman before, so there was intimacy in that I had handled her body for hours. I had never had sex with her. She was unbelievably beautiful. My partner, also submissive, suggested that I have sex with this woman. My partner was bisexual and hoped she could have some fun too.
Sounds great, right? We went to bed the first night and I fooled around with the new woman. I got her off several times. But I just couldn’t get my erection fired up. Nothing worked. It wasn’t that I felt shy or guilty. I had been in a two year relationship with two women, so the concept wasn’t new.
The equipment wouldn’t work that night. I was understandably upset. She wasn’t. The next day we were up in the room and magically things worked as they should and we had great sex.
My point is that this sort of thing seems to have a basis somewhere deep in my psyche, but not obvious to me. I suspect that as we age this sort of situation comes up more and more. I don’t think it is physical, nor do I think the cause is clear to us. I am convinced that the obvious explanation – guy shy due to my partner in the bed – is almost certainly wrong. It could be role confusion Maybe even back then I didn’t like my top / dominant role and my subconscious was informing me in a very physical way. I just don’t know.
It seems to me that over thinking such events is probably a good way to assure they will happen again. Sometime erections, or the lack of them, are like earthquakes; we know there is a cause but that doesn’t help us predict or prevent them.
Stiffies are affected by all sorts uncontrollable things . . . depression, blood pressure, placing emotional pressure on yourself, etc. Im 52 and was having similar symptoms / issues prior to engaging chastity in our life. As a matter of fact, and this is typical of male reasoning, I thought this may add whatever stimulus was missing – I wont say more on this at this point. As much as women believe we are always rarin’ to go, it’s simply not the case.