Reader Mario commented:
I’m new here, so excuse me if this question has been previously addressed. Since your wife allows you to have sex on the side with another person and you’re doing that, obviously you could hardly object if she did the same (though I’m not assuming you would, in fact, object). If that has already happened, or if you anticipate it could happen, how do you feel about it? And I don’t mean as a fantasy scenario, but as a real situation.
I’ve written about this from both real life and a fantasy perspective, but I don’t know that I’ve really given it much time since our marriage has opened up.
First off, there’s no way I can have sex on the side but then pretend like for her to do so would be a problem. Of course, if it’s OK for me, it’s OK for her. This is speaking as Belle’s husband and not as a sub. I am quite confident in my position in her heart and am not worried she’d find someone she liked better than me. She might find someone she liked as much or better in certain regards, but I’m the love of her life and we both know it (as she is mine, of course).
With me, there’s stuff I want to do that she just can’t provide because of her gender. She could get pretty close using helpful objects and I’d be really cool with that, but she doesn’t want to (that’s more or less how we ended up with the current arrangement). On the face of it, it doesn’t seem like she’s missing out since she’s essentially into guys and I’m a guy. But, I’m not a normal guy and she’s not always able to have the kind of sex she likes with me. Plus, I’m all subby and shit and maybe she wants someone a bit more assertive or even dominating. I can pretend and play at that, but I’m sure there’s a style of sex she might want from time to time that I’m not so great at providing. I’m totally OK with that, perhaps because of my perspective as someone who wants things none of his sex partners can 100% provide. (Protip: Even if you’re not bi, no sex partner will ever give you 100% of what you want.)
Thing is, my Belle’s not just into sex. She wants there to be a more complete package. At least, that’s what she says. When she was younger, there was one guy with whom she had a relationship she pretty much controlled and they fucked just to fuck (at least, that’s my recollection of it), but she now professes a need for emotion to be involved as well. That also makes perfect sense to me as I’ve almost always been that way myself. I’ve had a lot of sex partners over the years, but very few that I had no emotional connection to at all (maybe not love, but friendship). So I wouldn’t be alarmed at the prospect she’d become emotionally connected to this mythical side person. I’d expect it.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be jealous. I know I would be, but I don’t think a little competition is bad at all. Again, it’s about confidence. The thought of having to vie for her attention to a certain extent, but assured that I’d always ultimately be her primary partner, is thoroughly exciting to me. Sure, yes, there’s a subby thing going on there. There are aspects of their relationship that could work really well against my kinks, but this wouldn’t ultimately be about me. It would be about her. I think it’s important to understand I get that and would never try and direct her somewhere to satisfy my desires through her actions.
There was a time when I would have said there was zero chance something like this would ever happen. I still don’t think there’s much a chance, but it’s more than zero. I love her enough that I’d do whatever I could to help her achieve this if it’s what she wants. Ultimately, I want her to be as happy as possible and to get as much enjoyment as one can from life.
I take it that this has definite appeal to you as a fantasy scenario, which is hardly unusual, but certainly she shouldn’t do it to cater to your libido, and it sounds as if she wouldn’t–just as she wouldn’t “humor” you by turning herself into a facsimile of someone like Drew (though that would have been a perfectly logical choice if it had worked for her). Essentially, she’s given you permission to play a game she doesn’t care for, but that wouldn’t apply the other way around, meaning there would be significantly more potential competition (especially if she went for another submissive male)–and that may or may not work out as you anticipate. Letting you play with Drew, within certain guidelines, is a more controlled and predictable proposition, not to say a safer one. If she were to play on the side, her prerogative, by definition, would of course be much greater than yours with Drew. Well, just throwing some thoughts out there.
One sub is plenty for Belle. I doubt she’d want to have to deal with another.
@Mario. Thumper said that Belle may want some varieties of sex that aren’t Thumper’s style. Drew’s given us hints of Thumper’s sexual skills, and they sound extraordinary, to say the least. Belle’s already got a wonderful and, incidentally, sub husband. I don’t see why she would gravitate toward another sub male. Is that, perchance, your fantasy? Have you fantasized that you’d like Belle to control you, that you would be the other man? Just because she dominates the sexual part of Thumper’s life, doesn’t mean she leans toward dominating any or all men. As Thumper suggested, she may want sex from a dominant man. I don’t see how a submissive man or a dominant man would be anymore of a threat to their obviously rock-solid relationship. From my female POV, the kind of relating and the kinds of sex with a sub male and with a dom male are so different that I don’t think they can be compared. Therefore, I don’t think it’s possible to say that one or the other is more dangerous. Or that the kind of relationship that Thumper has with Drew is more or less dangerous than a possible other relationship for her.
And, yes. I fantasize about Thumper.
Well now I’m fantasizing about you fantasizing about me.
Only Belle (and circumstances) would determine what kind of male she gravitated to, and of course it could well be a “macho” type or even a man that’s into dominating women. It could also conceivably be a younger, more physically attractive submissive male, for instance, if he struck her fancy. I wasn’t implying she would pick any particular type, but speculating that if she did go for another submissive, the potential competition would be significantly greater than between her and Drew, which is apples and oranges. And no, I was not fantasizing about putting myself into Belle and Thumper’s life.
How could anyone read through all 127 (it could be 128) years of Thumper’s blog and not think sexually about Thumper, Belle, Drew, and Axel?
Younger and more attractive for Belle? We don’t really know her, but I’d guess younger (by much) wouldn’t be in the mix for Belle. She wants the emotional connection too. He’d have to be old enough to know himself.
Bingo.
Also, more attractive than me? As if.
As I said in the comment that opens this post, I’m new here and have read very little archived material. Thumper “interests” me because I had a good shot at someone very similar (at least on paper) but passed on it because it felt too weird, for lack of a better word, and I suppose I was also greedy and wanted more than the situation could yield. I’m still wondering “what if” and trying to work through the whole general concept, possibly psychoanalyzing it too much or not well enough.
Whether you are interested in male chastity or not, Thumper’s blog is worth reading if only for the relationship part. Not to mention how freaking hot it is.
I don’t think there is such a thing as over-psychoanalyzing relationships. If one doesn’t know what they want and need and can’t or won’t express it, there will be pain. Our relationships needs must be met, if only in part. Thumper’s spot on when he says there no one person can meet all of those needs, even if we aren’t bisexual. Greed can get us into trouble. (Ask the Buddha.)
I’m not clear on who you had a chance with on paper: was it a “Belle” or a “Drew”?
I meant the man and his situation were similar to Thumper and his, at least as far as I can tell from my limited knowledge of the latter, hence the “on paper.” My chance with him was real enough, even though I didn’t take it very far.
Just wanted to say that your relationship with Belle–your love and the way you’ve worked out your sexual life so it’s fulfilling for both of you even though your kinks aren’t exactly the same–is an inspiration, and incredibly sweet. 🙂 And pretty hot, too. 😀
Two points: First, was the relationship that she was in when she was younger (which she controlled) did the guy want to be a sub? As in did he tell her that he wanted to be one? Because often times in relationships where one partner is “in control” and making more decisions than the other it isn’t because the other partner wants to be a submissive. Rather it is because they believe that they would be less likely to get a partner as good if they broke up. In other words, they think that their partner is in a higher “league” than they are. But even if one partner has better options for other partners, I don’t think they should take advantage of the situation by trying to “control” the other partner and always get their way. I don’t mean to judge your wife since I obviously have very little information on the relationship, but in general I hate when BDSM blogs (often Femdom blogs) praise relationships where the sub partner obviously doesn’t want to be a sub but feels pressured into it. That is immoral.
Second, It is possible for spouses to agree that it is okay for one to have sex with another person while it isn’t okay for the other one to. It all depends on what the agreement between the couple is. Just because she has allowed you to sleep with another man doesn’t mean that you must allow her to sleep with another man. Obviously the submissive in you would be more likely to accept that, but if you weren’t comfortable with her sleeping with another man but she was comfortable with you sleeping with another man, that should be taken into account. The agreement between a couple doesn’t have to be symmetrical (most BDSM relationships aren’t)
Hmm. You must be new here.
I am, but that doesn’t change the accuracy of what I said. If it doesn’t apply to your relationship specifically, great. But I think what I talked about can be issues in some parts of the BDSM/Femdom community.
I’m actually somewhat curious to where you’ve seen this (female dominants wanting subs who are not into submission). I don’t doubt that it happens–there are bad dommes as well as bad maledoms, and I have a friend who spent several years with one who sincerely fucked with his head. But what I’ve personally seen more is men who just really really want a woman to domme them and don’t care if she’s naturally dominant or not, they have NEEDs. In response to that I’ve seen a lot of female doms mock that attitude and say that a) sub men should treat dominant women like individual humans, not extensions of their kinks, and b) it’s good to figure out if you actually are submissive, because liking certain kinks is not the same thing as actually having a submissive streak, and it’s bad all around if you mix that up. (She wants you to submit, you want her to do XYZ when you say so, is a common problem. Dominant bottoms, dominant masochists, and kinksters not into power play all exist.) So pretty much the opposite of praising relationships where the sub obviously doesn’t want to be there.
I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying we clearly have different experiences. Hell, my unasked question about Belle’s former relationship was more like, “Did she really want to be dominant? Was she humouring the guy?” (Or was she like me, unaware of dominant tendencies that young but still stumbling towards something strangely attractive…)
So–where are these assholes? 🙁
(And a kink for “fantasies of non-consent,” as Literotica puts it, is a different thing entirely.)
Regardless of what happens in the BDSM community or anywhere else, I think a lot of being read into a short aside about a relationship Belle had when she was younger. I can tell you from experience that it’s not unusual for young men to be in a sexual relationship where the woman controls when and where and how the sex happens and there is zero D/s involved whatsoever. A lot of them are just happy to be getting their dicks wet.
Also true! (And this whole discussion is something of a derail, yeah.)
As a woman I can’t say I have a problem with the woman in a straight relationship saying when the sex happens. I mean, what, otherwise it’s him getting his dick when when she doesn’t want it, which is rape. (If she’s forcing him to have sex when he doesn’t want to, likewise, obviously.)
But ok, that makes sense. (Though still not sure where he’s getting “femdom blogs praise relationships where the sub doesn’t want to be there.” But I’ll bow out now. Sorry to encourage the off-topic digression!)