The one where I use words like “baleful” and “quadrilateral”

Some days, you want to write on your blog, but you can’t think of anything interesting to go on about. Other days, you have a thing to write about but no time. Still others, you have multiple things you want to say. That’s what today is. I have, like, three topics I want to go over (maybe four) but I have to spend the better part of the day at a photo shoot so just this one’ll have to do. Bonus points: it’ll be another post about me and Belle and me and Drew and Drew and Axel and I know how that riles up a certain demographic who reads me.

Drew tweeted this yesterday:

Then he wrote a post in which he mentioned a comment I’ve received but have yet to release from purgatory. The juxtaposition of these is interesting in that the commenter said something to the effect that he was surprised I was still seeing Drew as he assumed the “novelty” of the situation would have worn off for me by now. Then he said some disparaging and (perhaps unintentionally) ugly things about gay men.

I’m torn about releasing the comment since this guy’s native language is obviously not English. While I think his bigotry is pretty clear, I’m not sure I want to engage with someone who may not be evil, clearly needs educating, and doesn’t have a firm grasp of the words needed to talk about it in this forum.

Regardless, it’s the “oh, how happy we are” feeling that all four points in this quadrilateral relationship share against the continued feeling of some that a) Drew is an awful gay man bent of ruining my marriage, and b) Belle is a powerless victim caught up in my perverted fantasies. Or something.

An example. Last night, there was a ballgame on. I was watching in bed with Belle, my head laying on her stomach, her hand in my shirt rubbing my chest. This is my favorite place in all the world to be. Drew misheard something the announcer said and texted me about it. I laughed and told Belle what he said. She laughed. I texted back. Drew texted back. I told Belle what he said. We laughed some more. Then we kept watching the game.

Note, there was zero discomfort. Zero awkwardness. My phone was clearly visible to Belle the whole time the exchange was taking place (though, to be fair, some of it happened on my watch). Please, if you’re still harboring any doubt or concern about our relationship, knock it the fuck off. If you can’t knock it the fuck off, just keep it to yourself. I don’t want to hear about it.

Drew posits in his aforementioned post that the thing keeping some from accepting a merry band of four like ours is their own issues.

I actually now think the thing that is the hardest for most people to comprehend is the absolute 100 percent faith, trust, and allowances that our spouses allow us to have because that kind of freedom is very scary and something that many may dream of, but may not be able to handle when they are granted it, if they are granted it in whatever form or format that may take.

The two most important words in that sentence are “faith” and “trust.” He suggests that perhaps the reason some can’t get their heads around how we’re living at the moment is because they lack those things in their relationships. I totally agree. We are smeared with the fear and doubt of others as they try and fit our template over their lives and see nothing but grief and pain. It’s impossible for them to fathom that opening up our marriages in the way he have has led to more fun, more love, more contentment, and a deeper meaning for all of us.

At this point, I’m way past letting other people’s biases and fucked up issues get in the way of my happiness. Or Belle’s or Drew’s or Axel’s. If you have a problem with us and how we’re doing things, turn that baleful eye back on yourself and see who you are. Because we don’t have a problem with this. Not one of us.

8 Replies to “The one where I use words like “baleful” and “quadrilateral””

  1. I think you are exactly right. You have to live your life the way that works for you and makes you happy. People who are insecure will try to push their doubts on you. That is their issue and not yours. The older and crankier that I’ve gotten, I’ve realized that the people that I care about are what matters.

    It’s probably my hippy-dippy age, but I’m really all about letting other people live their lives the way they want unless it affects me. I think it is awesomely great that the quadrilateral relationship is working for you. Ignore the naysayers and just enjoy what you have. (Sorry, couldn’t come up with a way to use baleful without being ridiculous) 🙂

  2. Not much to say other than I just liked this post and I think you made the right decision to keep that comment in purgatory.
    My new goal is to use “baleful” AND “quadrilateral” in conversation tomorrow. I am giving a presentation to new people so this could be fun!

  3. I definitely think Drew is 100% correct, in that the kind of security and freedom and trust the four of you share is terrifying to those who cannot handle it. But I also think part of it has to do with the last vestiges of an outdated and obsolete (and prejudiced, and narrow-minded) cultural mindset.

    The fact that you espressly mentioned Belle being a powerless victim leads me to assume you’ve dealt with that accusation more than once. That, along with my own personal experiences, having to deal with the exact same accusation, makes me think it’s a very common mindset that harkens back to the days when women were seen as powerless, even by most women.

    And that was the same cultural mindset that condemned gay people for being “sinners,” “lewd,” “depraved,” and sometimes even downright “evil.” So, for someone who has not yet evolved from that grossly small-minded way of perceiving the world, of COURSE Drew is trying to destroy your marriage, and of COURSE Belle has no voice, no say in what goes on, and no choice. The minds of those people are locked in these tiny little boxes, and they’re just incapable of seeing it any other way. I feel sorry for those people. How drab and dreary life must look to them.

    As far as that commentor goes, you’re probably right in choosing not to engage. Not only could the language barrier complicate things, but really, who cares what that guy thinks, anyway? You, Belle, Drew, and Axel are by no means obligated to justify your way of life, or explain it to people if you don’t want to. It works for you, it makes you happy, and that’s all that matters.

  4. I would add another word …to faith and trust…confidence…
    You are all …. Also secure and confident…
    Unfortunately confidence is not something you can give to another..
    My opinion speaking personally… I have tried…in my relationship…
    Which is a happy long term one… I just need that something more…

  5. Dear Thumper, I suspect that I am the person you are talking about because my comment to you was not published. Thank you. I meant no office.

    I am still learning English and think I didn’t write what I meant. I was happy to hear you are still with Drew. By novelty I meant when the afterglow of a new relationship is over sometimes it gets tough, especially when it’s like it is with you. With the gay comment, I mean that Drew is not like most gays I know of through TV (not many in Russia here I know) because he seems big, strong, manly but seems to care about those in his life incredibly deeply.

    The only thing that confuses me is the word boyfriend because I can’t see that without romance. Is this what a bromance is? Because you two care but don’t love? Or do you love but not care in the day to day relationship way?

    If this was me, I am sorry.


    1. Yes, it was you. Thank you for clarifying your position.

      You’re either saying there aren’t many gays on TV in Russia or there aren’t many gays in Russia. The first is probably completely true, but the second is not. There are many gay men and women in that country (as there are everywhere) but they fear for their lives and livelihoods in the same way homosexuals feared for themselves here decades ago.

      “Boyfriend” is a title of affection, not love. It’s just a word to describe the unique position we have in one another’s lives. True, usually that word would be expected to be upgraded to “husband” or “partner” in most cases, but not for us. Turns out, there isn’t an English word we could think of that describes the guy you fuck with the knowledge of your spouse and like a lot but don’t love and will never have a romantic relationship with. So we rounded up to “boyfriend.”

      1. Gary, thanks on my side for clearing that up and double thanks for the “big, strong and manly”.

        Thumper, well said on the boyfriend part. Inventing a new word would have just been silly (only said because we couldn’t invent the right word).

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