Drew and I have put a break on the sexual aspect of our relationship, at least for the time being. A few points…
- It is not because I’ve finally seen the light vis-a-vis “cheating on my wife.”
- It is not because I’ve finally stopped being “gay.”
- It is not because I’m afraid I am turning gay.
- It is not because I’ve realized Drew is an awful person.
- It’s not because he leaves the TV on when he checks out of his hotel room.*
- It is not because [fill in your own theory].
In short, I’m not in a place right now where I can submit to Drew. It’s as simple as that. My sexual relationship with him is founded on submission and if I can’t get myself there, I can’t do it. This has not resulted from anything Drew did wrong. I don’t think there’s anyone to blame for where we are. It’s just how things have evolved between us.
There is no one single thing that’s made me all freaky and weird lately (freaky = depressed, weird = anxious), but feeling this coming has certainly contributed. I had his feelings to contend with (something I admit to not being exceptional at) along with weird issues around discussing it on the blog. If it hadn’t become such a fucking thing here, it may have been easier to address. This is a classic example of the Hawthorne Effect. I feel like the blogging and the sharing and the reality TV show aspect of all this is intertwined with where it is now, though I can’t say for certain we wouldn’t have found ourselves here anyway.
There’s probably more I could say about this, but I’m not sure it’s necessary at the moment. Drew talked about it on his side at greater length. I think I’m very purposefully going to leave some of this behind the curtain for now.
∗ Actually, that does really piss me off.