Mailbag, “The end is nigh” edition

Still going!

Louis lamented…

We recently received our Looker 01 and have had no luck getting the urethral tube in. We’ve done soundings before and are surprised at this as we didn’t except the size to be a problem but apparently it is. Do you have any suggestions on insertion or sounding stretching or? 

Gosh, no. Did you order the default size? While I’ve played around with it, I’m not a sounding expert by any means. You could try lubricating the insert beforehand, but I’d only want to do that with fresh, presumably uncontaminated lube. I suppose it’s also possible the size of the cage is small enough to be squishing the urethra so as to make insertion an issue. That’s all I got. 

Mike mentioned…

Just found your blog, it’s fantastic. I’m just getting into chastity, and pleasingly my wife is happy to participate. I’ve tried a steel cage with a 2 inch hinged ring, found this very tight with pain, as if I had a UTI, which I’don’t think I did. I then tried a CB6000 with their optional large rings, 2 1/4 inch, but still found it tight at very bottom of the ring, but at times could pop a ball through accidentally if they rode up, so clearly haven’t got the size right yet! I have very large balls (smallish penis) so I think I need these large ring sizes. You said that you started with 2 inches and went down to 1.5 over time, how does that work/happen? How much time? With the oval cages, I think the wide part is on the sides? For me I think I would want the wide part to sit vertically to deal with the pressure I’m feeling at the bottom pushing on my urethra. I was wondering about getting a custom cage without the full circle, with a small gap in the cage at the base of the cage to deal with that. Mature Metals Jailbird is the custom one I’m looking at. I would be very interested in your thoughts. Thank you.

To me, it sounds like your problem is the CB-6000 ring design which it awful and torturous and should be banned by international agreement. If you were wearing a ring like that found on the Holy Trainer, you’d likely be able to tolerate a smaller size. 

Regarding going down in size, I did go smaller after a while. I can’t say for certain why that was but I suspect it was various bits adjusting in their placement internally or just getting used to being squeezed and/or a result of my scrotum getting stretched. Regardless, oval rings are more comfortable because the most sensitive stuff down there are the tubes on the side running down to your testicles and the surrounding parts. As I said, if you’re feeling it mostly underneath, I’d say it’s because the CB6K ring is terrible and sharp.

If you get an MM device, I’d suggest you get the double-width ring option. It makes the device more comfortable overall.

George gorged…

Just want to say thank you for the website and sharing your experiences. I have been in an HT2 for one week, my wife has been a willing participant and am excited to see where this journey leads. So just want to say I appreciate your posts and info your website has. It has been helpful to me.

Excellent! Another satisfied customer. Best of luck to your and your wife.

Kinkngso croaked…

Just ordered a chastity devise with a uretha tube. What should I know about wearing it, maintaining it, etc.

Read this and then this and then this and then this and then all of this. That ought to do it. 

Lea labored…

I am very interested in your lifestyle and your blog. I would like to read it from the very beginning but can’t find the way for that. I know there’s link to the very first record in about section but how to continue to next ones? Can you help me please and advise of the way how can I go from oldest to newest? 

Man, these are easy ones. Here you go.

Ben buoyed…

I currently wear a holy trainer and is going well so far. 

do you have any opinion about strap ons for this chastity device? what works well with, etc… 

thanks for all your help

Here’s a relevant post. With regards to harnesses, try and find one that has two straps underneath that can go on each side of your locked penis. You’re more likely to find those on sites that cater to gay men

An unidentified woman asked…

Greetings Thumper, I know you don’t write an advice column, but maybe you can help me understand the realities in my current situation. I am a 54 year old woman’s with “hard wired vanilla sensibilities.” I discovered your blog as I was learning about male chastity. I love your writing, your story, your blog, and your posts. If I could have dinner with you, Belle, Drew, Axel, Ferns, GeekDomme, and a few others whose names I can’t remember, how fun would that be? Anyway, my partner and I have been living together two years. Dave is 10 years older and is retired. He came out to me as kinky shortly after we started sleeping together. I have never had any kinks or fetishes and I was very unfamiliar with anything to do with what he was telling me about, so I sought as much information as I could, in order to be “GGG” and see where I fit in and what I might like. I have always considered myself a sex-positive woman, and have found that sex over 50 has been the best of my life. Fewer worries, more freedom. I know myself better, and what I like, and have the confidence to ask for it. My partner Dave is a master cunnilinguist. I have never been able to orgasm from PIV, so this is ideal for me, although I do enjoy a lot about cock. First, he told me he enjoyed erotic pain, so I started by experimenting with electro-sex with him, which included bondage and a little cock and ball torture, and I thought it was mutually satisfying. It was fun to see him squirm and his cock definitely liked it, which was what I enjoyed the most. I will admit that as these scenes continued and escalated as I tried to find more things to turn him on, they seemed to amount to a lot of work on my part, and at some point I think Dave assumed that I was play-acting for his sake, and that took him completely out of the head space and it was no longer enjoyable for him. I am not a domme, it just doesn’t interest me, so yes, I was doing it for him. Words or acts of humiliation are anathema to me, and I could never ever humiliate, or cuckhold or sissify him, even though I know he enjoys exactly that. When Dave brought up chastity, and I read books and blogs, including yours, and it seemed like a way to meet both our needs. I wanted Dave to get horny- hopefully for me after enough time. I wanted him to be able to get an erection- again hopefully with me (usually it takes Viagra for him to get it up with me, although he masturbates with no problem at all, so I thought chastity might help with that.) I have been feeling that he has been spending too much time with his fetishes and fantasies on the Internet and in his head, and I want him to focus on reality. Right now, he is obsessed with cock- he wants to get fucked, he wants to suck cock- and I am okay with that. I want him to be able to go outside our relationship to get what I can’t give him. I want him to have his Drew, or his Frodo, and then come home and fuck me when I want it. I don’t want him to spend time watching sissy training videos and masturbating. I feel like this is taking him in the wrong direction, so that’s why I put him in chastity. So now I am a little confused- he said he never should have told me about his latest fetishes because now I am trying to change him and get him to give that up. I told him that I don’t care what gets him off in his head when he’s masturbating or coming, but that I don’t want him wasting time on sissy training videos with fantasy porn stars. If he wants cock in his head, he should go out and get some IRL. So which is it, is putting him in chastity trying to change him, or am I trying to control his orgasms? I am sorry I am not as kinky as he is, because I want him to be happy. I have never been able to get him off- not with my mouth, my hands, my pussy. But I am not trying to make him less kinky, am I? He was single for almost 20 years before me and jerking off was his life when he wasn’t working. I am sure he has settled into patterns that he enjoys, so I know he is reacting to not being able to enjoy that any more. He tells me he can’t imagine living without me, and that he loves me, but perhaps we just aren’t sexually compatible? Because of his skill at servicing me orally I could be happy with just that forever. I have dildos and toys that he or I can use in lieu of an erection, but I still think some of his porn viewing and jerking off is an issue- hence the chastity. So just wanted to know if I am off base thinking chastity is appropriate in this situation? If you have suggestions where he should start IRL for his cock fix, let us know. Thanks for listening!

Dave needs to figure out if he wants to be with a caring woman invested in his happiness (which means he may not get the entire salad bar of his kinks satisfied) or if he’d rather be in a relationship with his hand and the computer for the rest of his active life. I can’t say if you’re compatible sexually, but it sounds like you’ve been more than GGG in trying to find a place where you’re both able to be happy. To me, Dave sounds like he can’t get over the fact that the real world isn’t his fantasy world. I get that. It’s a trap a lot of men fall into who have been jacking off to their kinks without acting them out with a real person. 

I will say chastity cannot change anyone who does not want to be changed. If it was your idea and isn’t a thing he kinks over, then it’s got no place in your relationship. However, you should not be expected to be everything he’s ever wanted in a sex partner. That’s not a kink thing, that’s a life thing. None of us is everything our partner will ever want or need. That said, you’re well within your rights to ask he stop spilling his seed looking at porn by himself and focus on you. In fact, that’s his responsibility, as far as I’m concerned. I have zero tolerance for that stuff. 

I hope you can find a way for you both to be satisfied. 

And that’s it! The end of the feedback mailbag. Whew. Got a question or a comment or whatever? Send it to me. I’ll get to it. Eventually…

Mailbag, the “There’s more where this shit came from” edition

We will continue to dig through the mailbag backlog, this time starting with the most recent.

Zel zipped…

First of all thanks for keeping the blog alive. In some weird way it feels that I know u and the rest of ur close friends. 

I was wondering if u could have tried the axel from drew or any steelwerks extreme. I think it’s time to replace my dickcage for something that can be used more permanent. But I’m between steelworxxs and steelwerks extreme. 

I’ve never tried it on. Chris at Steelwerks is, as I’ve said, an artist. His prices are high but, if anything, they’re low considering the amount of passion and craftsmanship he brings to his work. Steelworxx are far more affordable but also well made, though using very different techniques and materials. I don’t think you can go wrong with either. It’s all a matter of how much you’re willing to pay. Don’t forget Mature Metal. Also affordable and they offer excellent customer service.

AJ asked…

Do these male chastity devices completely rob you of tactile sensation? Im interested in something that will prevent me from being able to feel my penis rub the inside of my clothes. Ideally, it would also keep me from being able to become, um, engorged to any degree.

If you get a closed tube device like a Holy Trainer or the Steelheart from Steelworxx, no, you will definitely not feel your penis rubbing around inside your pants. However, if you wear them as much as I do, you’ll feel nothing but your penis inside your pants when you’re not locked up. Being enclosed and robbed of feeling makes the skin hyper-sensitive for a while right after getting out. 

They also don’t keep you from getting engorged. Your dick will still try and get hard, it just won’t go very far. It’s a common misperceptions that chastity devices keep you from getting hard-ons. They don’t. All they do is squish the fuck out of them (which can be, in itself, an intensely erotic sensation).

Chris crooned…

I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I’m hoping maybe I can get some advice. My wife and I have been practicing chastity and orgasm denial for a little over a year and we’re both enjoying it. My wife enjoys denying me orgasms and keeping me locked up, but she also likes my cock and getting fucked by it. The issue I’m having is that, after a few weeks or even months without being allowed an orgasm, I can’t go more than a few strokes without wanting to explode inside her. 
You might say “Well, what do you expect?”, but after reading some of your blog posts, it appears that you can go long enough to at least allow Belle an orgasm. I don’t know if she cums especially quickly during PIV or maybe there’s something I’m not seeing, but I just wanted to ask for any advice you have on holding back your orgasm so that you can give Belle hers. 

We’ve purchased a cock sleeve and my wife likes it, but sometimes just wants *me* inside her. Did you work up some “tolerance” over time? Numbing cream? Any advice you have would be great. Thanks!

Ah, yes.

No, you don’t develop a tolerance. If anything, the longer you go without coming, the less time you’ll last while fucking. The only way to last longer is to come which, of course, defeats the purpose of the excercise. 

Also, context matters. When Belle wants me to fuck her so she can get off, I find it incredibly difficult to last. I can’t sustain any kind of rythym and she can’t get off from me. Some of this is because the pressure of my having to hold off so she can come first is too great, but also she makes all these wonderful noises while getting off and that can make me come all by itself. If she’s already come and just letting me fuck, I can sometimes go for a long time (but also sometimes not). Then she asks, “Where was that when I needed it?” You’re right that I used to be able to do this for her, but then I also used to come more often. It’s nearly impossible for me now.

You can try numbing cream. I’ve written about it before (here and here and here at least). It works really well, but it takes time to take affect and you need to take precautions that it doesn’t get on her and numb her bits up, too. It’s not a good thing for us because Belle doesn’t like to wait around or use condoms. Hoestly, I think the sleeve is the best compromise. When she really wants to feel you in there, she should wait until she wants you to come and do it then. 

Jaime juxtaposed…

I’ve been reading your blog intermittently since forever, and I think my beloved has read the occasional post as well. It certainly has influenced our sex life, in good ways, which is a good thing. So, Thanks.

But now that I’ve figured out how to conveniently get here more regularly, I’ve noticed that you’re scarce. So this is a note hoping you are well. And if you’re not, sending you best wishes for the great “out there.” However tenuously connected, I’m sure you know there’s a wide net of folks who care about you.

Aww. Thanks. 

Rick rocked…

I don’t know if this has been discussed before with the CB6000s , but I produced a simple anti-pullout device out of a piece of fishing line, and in my opinion, it seems bullet proof to me. I created a 6″ length of line which has about a 3/4″ diameter loop in each end created by a single “overhand loop” (see wikipedia for an example). then I created a slip knot out of one end by feeding one loop through the other. Just before attaching the cage, place the slip knot around the penis and feed the other loop through the bottom slot on the side of the cage. Feed the loop up to the one of the pins and slip it on, then install the cage, trapping the loop — one end captured on the pin, the other around the penis behind the head. The length should be enough so the slip knot can grow to the inside diameter of the cage, but there should be very little extra length to play with, so you might have to make a few to get it right. When you try to pull out, the noose tightens around penis preventing pullout, but even if you do get out, it is almost impossible to get the noose back around the penis without removing the cage. The best thing about it, is that its not noticeable, and the worst thing about it is that you know it’s there and it would be a mistake to try to defeat it, because she’ll know.

Clever. I think the “if you do it she’ll have to know” kind of security set-ups are second best to the ones you can’t defeat at all, but since those require body modification, second best is pretty good for most. 

Mike marked…

Can u plz re explain sock method for cb6000 trying to understand and re read and re read

Even better, I’ll show you a video.

Allison allowed…

Hello! We have praise and questions. First, thank you ever so much for your awesome blog! It’s been a HUGE life-changer for us and is simply the most educational site for what we’re into (for example, we learned almost exclusively from your blog that we’d fallen victim to the “room-to-grow” fallacy (phallus-y? 🙂 ) so anyway, big love for Belle and Thumper. 

Question: We can’t find info on this anywhere else, so we are to ask you. Did Thumper get his Prince Albert before, or after starting chastity training? Our training is such that we are about ready to get a custom steel cage, but she has also decided she wants him to get pierced, and he will wear a cage whose design accommodates that. What we’re wondering/trying to decide, is if he’ll be doing any chastity training during the recovery from his piercing? Would the cage cause problems during healing? Would it be best to simply regard the new jewelry as chastity enough until it’s healed? Obviously he can’t have sex during the healing process, and I hear erections during this time can be total hell. Not that we’re trying to torture and inflict pain, and we certainly don’t want to cause any damage to our …uh….favorite toy.

I got pierced after we started locking the penis up and in large part because it would allow a more secure chastity experience, but I also really liked the look of a pierced cock and really got off on the idea of physically modifying the penis to make chastity more hardcore. Let’s say it was 80% about function and 10% about fashion and 10% kinky hot shit. I had no idea that it also made sex and masturbation so much more pleasurable.

No, I would not advise locking him up until after the piercing is fully healed. Any kind of tension on the piercing can be very painful during that process and even slow it down. Also, the inside of a chastity tube is exactly the last place one should be healing an open wound. If he gets poked in the peepee, enforced chastity should be off the table for 4-8 weeks, depending on how quickly it heals up. 

Rusty ruminated…

I have just recently been introduced to chastity and I love it. I have not yet defined why, exactly, this is but the sensation of being locked up and out of reach from my own hands is strangely intoxicating. It’s only been about a week of being “locked & denied” but I’d like to see if I can make it a full 30 days. At least to start. 

Over a decade and a half ago, I gave up masturbating for Lent but only made it 21 of the 40 days before exploding like a fire hose. I have a feeling that being under lock and key will extend that record considerably. 

Thanks for your blog and all the advice and insights you provide. As I save up for my first metal chastity device, have you any suggestions on how I can prevent my CB6000 from pinching and even cutting into the underside of my ball sack? There are times it fits just fine and others–frequently–when it becomes so tight that the pain is not only a distraction, but its slicing into my skin requires me to remove the CB and see to the cuts. 

I do enjoy chastity, and would like to keep going, but not at risk to my health. Thank-you in advance

My advice is buy a Holy Trainer. It’s SO MUCH better than the CB6K and for exactly the reasons you’re experiencing. It’s significantly simpler, in design and construction, and better in every way other than perhaps cost and customization. Then go back to saving for your steel. 

Well, that put a dent in it. Still so much to get through. Next time…

There ain’t nothin’ wrong if it feels all right

 Deep sigh. Here we go again.

There was a mall near where I lived as a teenager and at this mall, out in the parking lot between it and the 10, was a building called Tower Records. I know, there were lots of Towers but this was my Tower and the one where I discovered music. Not specific music, necessarily, but MUSIC. My parents didn’t listen to a lot of it as I was growing up. The only album I remember my mom playing was a Connie Francis boxed set and my dad’s coolest 8-track tape was Hot August Night by Neil Diamond (and this explains my appreciation of Barry Manilow to this day). Anyway, Tower is where I discovered that music was a thing that could speak to you and mean something and wasn’t just pleasant noise. I’d go there with my friends and spend the little money I had on records, usually whoever it was those friends were listening to since they knew about music and I didn’t.

Except one day. One day, I bought something that wasn’t as a result of a friend’s tastes. At the checkout counter was a display filled with 7″ singles pressed in purple vinyl for a song I knew nothing about by an artist I never heard of. It was the first release of When Doves Cry by Prince (b/w 17 Days). This was before Purle Rain came out and before the album was released. I played that little record again and again and again.

Prince sounded nothing like anything else I was listening to at the time. He was funky and screamed and sang in falsetto and played the meanest fucking guitar around. When Doves Cry led me to 1999 and that led me to Controversy and Dirty Mind. And then I saw Purple Rain. And that all made my head explode. Prince has been called the master of the single entendre because when he sang about sex, it was fucking sex. And, it seemed especially early on, that’s all he sang about. He sang about a lot of casual sex and cheating sex (and incest and oral and even cuckolding). Some of his most famous songs were about women who had sexual agency. They weren’t always being seduced by him. In a lot of cases, they were the ones seducing. They were the initiators. The one looking for the easy hook-up with no strings attached. In a way, he was the first to tell me the conventional trope of how men and women related to one another was bunk.

He landed in my world at the very moment I was starting to appreciate how I wasn’t like all the other boys and Prince, like David Bowie, showed me that not all the other boys were like them either. His sexuality was slippery. He sang about men and women but had enough little things dropped in along the way to make you wonder what else he’d been up to. He presented a masculine persona but his outward gender expression was plastic. I didn’t think of him as bi like I did Bowie but I also didn’t think of him as 100% straight. He showed me that sexuality was personal and didn’t have to fit in a box and that sex itself was a thing to celebrate and enjoy.

I will tell you, Prince inspired teenage me to have a lot of sex. I jacked off to both sides of the Dirty Mind cover more than once.

Lovesexy was about the time I started to drift away from Prince. The world had moved to compact discs by then and, for whatever reason, he released that album as one long track so I rarely got to the end of it (even now, the digital version on Tidal is all one chunk). He also started singing more about God which I couldn’t identify with and some of his songs seemed downright hokey (Raspberry Beret, which I like now, seemed especially bizarre to me…Old Man Johnson’s Farm?). Then he fell out with Warner Bros. and stared releasing albums on his own with no marketing. I was shocked to see that the music of his I was familiar with probably didn’t amount to more than a third of what he put out. So much to catch up on.

Prince was an inspiration to me. The way he created his own sexuality that couldn’t be compared to any other. He allowed himself to be exactly what he was. We should all be so lucky.

Mailbag, the “better late then never” edition

I am a terrible person. That’s how I feel every time I realize I have, yet again, totally ignored my Thumper email address which is where all form submissions from the feedback page go.

See, I am continually on the hunt for the perfect email client and, as yet, I have not found it (though I’ve been using Outlook for iOS for a while now and, surprisingly, like it). Each time I try a new one, I set up my main email accounts (work, work 2, personal, personal 2) “just to see how it goes” and never include the Thumper mail or other accounts until I settle in. Thing is, I often forget and those email addresses fill up with unanswered and unseen messages, most of which are crap but some of which are from real people who would like to know what I think about things.

Anyway, that’s my excuse. Let’s dig in to a large backlog…

A guy named Ray asked:

Is there a short chastity device that allows a man to pee standing, without making a mess? I’m not well endowed, but enjoy chastity!

Yep, an enclosed tube design like the Steelworxx Steelehart makes that a snap. It’s possible in devices like the Holy Trainer and CB6K, too, but a little fussier and more accident prone.

David wanted to know:

My partner and I are big fans of your blog and we decided to take your advice and make our first device the Holy Trainer v2. However since the arrival of the device, I have been unable to wear it for more than 12 hours, due to the fact that while it fits snugly when I’m flaccid, when I gain an erection I get a large bulge at the back of my device, my head pulls back from the end by about 2.5cm and the whole device shifts up my balls until it is squeezing them between the device and the base ring. This sensation becomes incredibly painful, especially when I’m so horny that my erection doesn’t go down. I have been told that there is meant to be a certain amount of erection coming out the back, but this seems really excessive. So much so, that when I am fully aroused in my device, all it takes is a little tug downwards on the device and my penis will come out of the device entirely.

I don’t know what the problem is, I was hoping that maybe you might have some insight into this.

Hmm. I’d be curious which size Trainer you got, the normal or the short. Also, how big are you when erect? Also also, how much scrotum do you have? In other words, are you high and tight or low and loose.

Yes, a certain amount of bulge at the back of the device is normal. I found that the bulge was more internal when I started wearing a device but, over time, my ballsack stretched to such an extent that it was outside as well as inside. This is normal, I’ve found. Also, yes, some discomfort during erections is to be expected. What’s insufferably painful for me might be moderately uncomfortable for another, so it’s hard to know if what you’re dealing with is too much. My rule of thumb is if things are blue and cold, it’s too tight. If they’re just flushed and squeezed, that’s more about personal threshold.

To me, your issues sound like they stem from the Trainer being designed for the high bits of the bell curve and your bits falling outside that range. I don’t know why your head would pull back like that. When I wore the CB6K, the tube was too long and if the penis was pulled back a little that’s where it’d be during erections, but it didn’t pull back because of erections. If you can so easily pull out while hard, it may be the case that the A-ring is too large.

Good old schnoff said:

I came across this on Fetlife:

Following a visit to the doctors after a few months of discomfort, it turns out I have two epididymal cysts and am in need of further scans as they’re rather large

Googling that condition shows that these cysts form when ” fluid builds up in a tube behind the testicles called the epididymis, which stores and transports sperm.” 

Have you heard of people having that kind of an issue? I’m guessing the most likely cause is a ring that’s just a bit too tight. Though for all I know any ring, no matter how well sized, when worn for months, could have this effect.

I’ve never heard of that, no, nor have I experienced it. The linked-to article says it’s an issue in a third of men, so it’s not technically a chastity issue, though I suppose not having regular orgasms and being confined in a device could exacerbate the condition. Also, good to hear it’s typically benign.

Ronjoe wondered:

As a fellow wearer of a Steelheart, I’m looking for some advice. I’ve been trying to push toward 24/7, but I’ve been having some irritation at “10 and 2” positions on the ring after about five days. I’ve got a short cage, keep well-groomed, and use petroleum jelly as my primary lube. Any suggestions?

Two things. First, knock it off with the petroleum jelly. It gets sticky which is the opposite of what you want it to do. Use silicone lube. Expensive but totally worth every farthing. Second, I find that I develop similar irritation in the exact same spots (where the top of the ballsack folds over the shaft of the penis) in the days following shaving. The newly emergent stubble rubs against itself and causes problems. This is exacerbated by continued shaving of the irritated area. I only shave every few weeks and live with the grown out hair, at least in that area. I shave once it gets to about a 1/4″ or so. I bet if you upgrade your lube and cut back on the hair discipline, your problems will go away.

Mike shared:

I am 30 straight, new to chastity first time being locked and locked myself in a HT V2 for the last 2 days I woke up today with the extreme urge to have my ass played with and i had leaked all over the place during the night and I am still leaking as i type this. I have never even thought of playing with my ass before. Is this something that I am going to have to get used to or does it go away?

Wow, two days? I mean, yes, as you become more frustrated you will find the idea of doing things with parts of you other than your penis becoming more erotic. You might find men to be sexually attractive or (and these two things are entirely different) you might suddenly develop an urge to play with your butt. There’s nothing straight or gay about enjoying ass play (the prostate gland knows no gender or sexuality). But two days? That seems pretty fast, though who knows. We’re all special little snowflakes.

Will it ever go away? In my experience, sexual desires, once recognized, never go away. However, I bet if you jacked off you’d find the notion far less attractive immediately afterward.

My wife/keyholder and I are still relatively new to chastity (less than 1 year). We have been using a CB6000S off and on since March with my current time locked now approaching 60 days, my longest such period yet. 

My wife would like to be able to wear my key as a pendant on a necklace, but the standard padlock keys are not exactly attractive as jewelry. Do you know of any site or outlet where we can find attractive locks and keys that will fit a CB6000?  

I’ve found that the prettier the key, the less secure the lock. For example, a heart-shaped lock has a fairly attractive key that could easily be worn as a pendant, but the lock itself is stupidly easy to open without the key. So, is she wiling to trust you? Can you trust yourself? If so, that’s the way to go.

Hank hunkered:

I’m looking for advice on devices. 

But first, I want to commend you on being a really great source of information on chastity. You are articulate, intelligent, but more than either of those, sane and sensible. These last two appear to be strangely (extra-) rare in the online chastity community, for some reason. The advice I’ve obtained from various sources is… strange. 

I’ve now gone through a normal progression of cheap metal devices. I have one that works… okay, but isn’t functional without significant amounts of rubber tubing covering problem areas of the device. It is also chrome plated, which means the clock is ticking on its lifetime. 

The rubber tubing, which makes the device wearable without inflicting those small cuts within hours, precludes overnight wear, as it causes the device to not slide or shift against me at all. Overnight wear becomes incredibly painful. All the skin just comes right along with, as opposed to sliding. 

I’m looking what so many others are looking for – a metal device I can wear for a week at a time (with free time for cleaning and fun). 

This is going to cost me. The money isn’t an issue, except that I’m frugal, which leads me to the question: 

Assuming I measure correctly; 

It’s obvious I can easily spend $500-$1000 on a device. Do these custom made devices actually work? Are they a long-term solution? Am I going to have the same problem with a cheaper device, where it arrives, I wear it for twenty minutes before finding 15 problems that immediately exclude it from any further use? I don’t care so much, when its 20-30$ that turns out to be a total write-off. Spending hundreds for similar results will change chastity from something my wife and I enjoy and need in our life… to a mistake we’d rather forget.

The custom device I wear most often, the Steelworxx Steelheart, would be on the low end (if not under) your range and is absolutely a long-term solution. I have worn it for upwards of a month at a time with little or no breaks (months at a time with only a day or so out for R&R). Mature Metal makes several devices that would be in the same price range as the Steelheart that are also very much “lifestyle” wear devices. 

Reader Rex rumbled:

I think I read you saying your steelheart is your most secure device? (you’d have to cut it off). So are you also able to pull out of it like your other ball trap devices. Thanks for the clarification. 

I’m in a home made harness that is quite secure. A PA would be fun someday, if my wife ever likes the idea

Without the PA fixing, the Steelheart wouldn’t be very secure at all. It’s my position that no trapped-ball device, absent a PA fixing, is 100% secure all by itself. Even anti-pull out additions only slow you down. I know full belts are considered more secure, but never having worn one, I don’t know. 

I love my PA. Haven’t regretted it for five seconds. If your wife doesn’t like the look, you could always leave the jewelry out when not using it in a device. With a small enough gauge piercing (say 8ga or so), it’d be hard to see.

OK, that’s enough for the moment. I have a ton more of these to get through still…

Presumptive assumptive

You’d imagine that at some point I’d learn not to make assumptions. My assumption this morning was, since I volunteered to get locked up so as to ensure my good behavior yesterday and, had I not, I’d’ve likely been left unlocked until later today, that I was going to get out again this morning.

She told me to go close the door and I did. When I got back into bed, I was on all fours and she reached up between my legs and started to caress my balls with her fingers. All five of them running down the sides of my increasingly taut ball sack, a few occasionally stroking my perineum. The kind of touch that makes my limbs weak and the cage so crowded.

“I’m going to leave you in there this morning.”

Whimper. Then she made a half-laugh amused sound.

But she kept at my balls so I almost didn’t care that I wasn’t getting out. Almost. I kept thinking about her hot pussy and sinking back into it. But then she’d stroke my balls again and the thought would falter and go unfocused.

“You’re leaking on my arm.”

Whimper, again.

The Steelheart was so tight. So fucking unrelentingly tight. I could feel my heart beating inside it as the erection fought the warm steel. Futile. It became a fight between feeling the wonder of my balls being caressed and the ring and tube crushing them in response. Then she pressed on them. Hard. The sack being so tight made it especially vulnerable to that kind of action. I moaned/groaned in response.

“I don’t know how to interpret that.”

Me either. It hurts and I’m frustrated into a stupor but I like the intensity of it. The loving hardness of her. Don’t stop doing it/stop doing it.

I repositioned myself to lay beside her and she pulled off her night clothes exposing her beautiful breasts. I put both my hands on them and rolled her nipples between my thumbs and index fingers. They hardened to my touch and the mean steel pressed into her leg. Her hands went straight for her pussy. Her hips were grinding and moans left her lips and she got herself off while I focused upstairs. I wasn’t expecting this.

Her pussy is so much to me. The whole world. After yesterday’s wonder, today was turning into the opposite. I was getting zero pussy. I could tell by her sounds and her movement this wasn’t a warm up act. She was going all the way and, once there, wouldn’t want or need me to touch it.

She came as loudly as she dared and maybe a quarter as loud as she would have liked. Yes, Belle’s the kind you can hear from down the block in the summer.

Whimper, 3X.

This is a different kind of denial. Denial of access. Of feeling her come. Sure, I was there. In the room where it happened. But it was all hers. It was hard for me. Harder than being locked up. Harder than making myself avoid orgasm when every cell in my body wants it.

We laid together after. She was coming down and I was vibrating inside. Uselessly. There would be no focus of my energy in our bed today.

“I’m so horny,” was all I could say. Stupidly. Of course I am. But I needed to say something and that was the only thing that pulled itself together.

“Hmf,” she replied. In a way that clearly communicated the lack of interest she had in my comment. The pointlessness of it.

“Being horny is better than not, right?”

“Thank you, Belle Fille.”

Later, in the kitchen making breakfast, I felt amped up and jumpy. Wonder why. But I also realized that my earlier comment sounded passively manipulative. What she wanted this morning was to make herself come. There’s nothing whatsoever wrong with that and, while I can be disappointed in not getting what I wanted, I don’t get what I fucking want. Because that’s not what our sex is about and I know that and that’s what I asked her for. It is pointless for me to say I’m horny when it was obvious I was. Being horny is normal for me and not her problem. It’s a feature, not a bug, so don’t report it.

I apologized for saying it. I reiterated that she should always do what she wants. I should never say or do anything that could motivate guilt within her if all she was doing was operating under the established rules of our dynamic. Which she was.

The problem wasn’t her. The problem was me and my assumptions. I cannot assume I’ll be let out. And, regardless, I cannot assume that when she gets off it’ll be as a result of my actions. Figure it out, you dumb bunny.

A good morning 

April, so far
Device distribution, April to date

When we got back from Spring Break, as I said, I locked myself back up in the Looker 02. In the weeks since, I only got out to swap devices and have otherwise been secured the whole time. I switched the L02 for the Steelheart because it’s Belle’s favorite and then, due to my own inattention, needed to go into the Jail Bird. Being locked up in a closed tube like the Steelheart as much as I am has made me much more aware of the changing chemistry of urine than the average boy, I’m sure. Suffice it to say, I neglected my hygiene routine for too long and things started to burn after peeing. Nothing a few days in an open air cage couldn’t fix. (For those of you who like their data visualized, I have included a chart.)

She felt it was important for me to stay locked up until today to help me reset my attitude and submission to her. What with all the talk about other men and what they were saying to her and threatening to do, I found myself craving her pussy more than at any other time in recent memory. Mind you, I like it a lot even on the worst days. What I’m talking about here is a whole ‘nuther level of pussy craving.

I woke up with the penis all pushed up against the bars of the JB. My balls have been feeling especially plump for the past week (likely a result of being so turned on so much of the time), and the whole package was the very definition of “straining.” She let me have the bit that fits the locking screw and it went well and fine until I had to get my nuts out. They were just too fat to slip through without a painful wince. In earlier days, this kind of thing would probably have left me feeling the symptoms of blue balls for two weeks, but I rarely feel that now. Just this ouchy quick trip through a steel ring.

Everything is more intense in those moments the penis is out and hard for the first time after a few weeks. I want to devour her from the pussy up and she needs to give me a figurative swat on the nose to calm down and remember my place. But god did I just want to plung right in and fuck her to bits. Regardless, I did my duty and kissed her and sucked her tits and fingered her snatch and felt the hard-on between us throb and grind into her thigh.

There’s this one little spot on her clit. On the right side, down a little. If I let my finger tip flick over it in just the right way I can make her right foot jump. I love that being so focused on her pleasure for so long has left me as familiar with her pussy as I am the penis. I know her spots. I know the places to touch to warm her up and how many fingers to use and where to go when she’s plateauing and then how to bring her home to orgasm. I know her rythym and what her sounds mean and where she is in the process of coming with me. I can tell the difference between her letting it take longer because she likes what I’m doing and when she’s having a harder time getting there. Her body and my brain connect there in a more intimate way than they do when the penis is inside her. And when she came this morning, I had to stifle my own exclamation at feeling her clamp down and pulse on my finger, back arched and eyes closed. The female orgasm — Belle’s orgasm — is one the most beautiful things in the world to me. And like all of them, they’re over too quickly.

I fought the urge to push in as soon as she was done. I found my body positioning itself above her even as I told myself to wait for permission. With just the slightest touch by her, I moved over and shoved the penis home. And…oh, my. I just. There aren’t words for how it felt. To be in her. Soft and warm and wet. The feeling of total gratitude towards her for sharing that part of her with that part of me. Millions of years of evolution to make it as inviting a place as possible to a man all came crashing down on my head and I nearly shot my load the second the penis was totally in her. But I didn’t. She told me I was expressly forbidden to do so. So I fucked her slowly and gently and with a constantly changing rythym so as to avoid getting too close too quickly. I felt like the first time I had to stop to avoid coming she was going to tell me to get out so every fiber of me was focused on not getting there.

Sometimes, when I get to fuck her, I fantasize about other men having been there first. In the past, that was entirely fantasy. To an extent, it still is. Maybe it’ll always be so. But the fantasy is ever so slightly more real now and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that what she was letting me do to her she was letting me do to her. That I didn’t have any special claim to that place. That someday another might be there instead and her soft cooing would be the result of his actions and her hands would be wrapped around his neck and on his back as he pumped into her as I was. My heart was filled with gratitude that I was being allowed the pleasure. And it was so much pleasure. I concentrated on how it felt to such an extent I could feel the grip of her pussy precisely and the feeling of the individual petals of her labia rubbing past the flair of the penis head as it slid by. I could feel the tip of the penis barely graze her cervix and couldn’t help but think if I was going after him I wouldn’t be near it. I felt drunk on the passion of it all.

I lasted a lot longer than you might imagine. It was glorious, but eventually the lizardly part of my sexuality snaked up out of its hole and muscled in. I started to fuck her harder and faster. I pushed in as far as I could and tried to push in deeper. Her breathing changed as the impact of my body into hers bacame more intense and purposeful. I could feel an orgasm rising in me. I could feel it shoving its way past my inner guards as though she had given me permission to come. But she hadn’t. This wasn’t about having an orgasm. This was about coming in her. This wasn’t about pleasure, it was about possession and competition and making mine the seed she carried. It was older and more primal than love.

Just as the the orgasm started to touch the point of no return, to words screamed out in my head at the same time.



And I did. I stopped thrusting. I held still. The penis flexed and pumped like a drowning man clawing for a rope that wasn’t there. One lonely shot of ejaculate came out, then nothing. No orgasm. Just intense and nearly overpowering craving to do so. I growled like a Klingon into her neck. I fought the urge to bite her. The lizard screamed at me and yelled about how some other guy wouldn’t stop. He’d never stop. Idiot rabbit.

“Mine” it is not. The thing I was fucking her with isn’t even mine. None of if it is. It’s all hers. Every bit of it. My heart filled to explode. So much love.

Afterward, I asked to go back in to the Steelheart. I could tell the lizard was still slithering in the shadows. I could tell by how the penis felt and the impulse I had to grab it and yank on it. If she left me alone with it, things would happen. So she laid there as I assembled the device and turned the lock. And that’s where it sits now. Behind steel and beyond reach. Until she wants it again.

Options all around

Belle and I experience the openness of our relationship in different ways. For me, the possible reality of it being open in her direction as well as mine has all kinds of net beneficial impacts. My submissive instincts are heightened, I’m deliriously attracted to her, and I’m simply very happy that she’s excited and feeling good (side note: TOG didn’t blow it entirely and is still in the picture and back in Belle’s “good graces”). I remain totally free of jealous feelings and lack any notion of possession over her but do have a noticeable sense of competition resonating within me (not that I can compete with a thick 7½ inches, but I have lots of other talents and attributes). 

However, I don’t see a lot of these things happening in her when I’m with other people. I think there are several things that account for this. One, so far, I’ve only been with other men and she knows that I’m not able to develop romantic feelings for them. Close, physical relationships to be sure, but never achieving ingnition into love. In short, these things are really about sex. And the sex it’s about is the kind she has a difficult time giving me. The kind that involves props and pain and buckles that she could do but both of us would know it’d be just for show and then it’d lose its magic. So it’s more like letting someone walk the dog. Kind of a physical maintenance thing you’re perfectly happy letting someone else attend to. Finally, in these scenarios I do not have and will never have a usable penis. 

In as much as I’m unpossessive of her, she is intensely possessive of the penis. She feels as though control over it is control over my soul and, if that’s the case, it doesn’t really matter what the body is doing. She reiterated that regardless of who the potential partner is, the penis will never be allowed to penetrate them or be pleasured by them. It will always be secured. It belongs to her and she fucking means it. 

I admit, this really works for me. Not just because I’m a sub and like being controlled and denied and all that, but because it makes me feel special that she is so possessive over (at least part) of me. And that makes me wonder if my lack of feeling possessive over her could be construed as a negative thing. It shouldn’t be. It’s not that I don’t cherish her. I do. But for me, that manifests in a way that allows me to want for her all kinds of pleasure and experience. It seems so clear to me that I’m emotionally and mentally polyamorous by nature. But besides that, the notion of feeling possessive connotes an entitled control and, as a submissive, I simple don’t feel as though I can claim that. I’ve exchanged the traditional notion of exclusive partnership (as if that means much to me anyway) for a relationship dynamic that is much more emotionally satisfying and the net result is I have no right of possession over her at all. 

I hope that she feels compelled to explore this new openness in the future regardless of how current options play out for her. I’m also amazed and infinitely grateful that we’ve got an arrangement that allows us both freedom to proceed in ways that don’t compromise our conflicting expectations of what “open” means. 

In related news, Drew was in town again the other day. He has a client here now and will be visiting a lot more frequently and for longer stretches than he has in the past. We had dinner together at a South American restaurant (covered in some detail here). We had a good conversation and covered in frank detail the issues that led to the ending of our sexual adventures. I admit, most of the issues were mine so it was incumbent on me to be as honest as possible and I was. Maybe it was me playing to the audience of the big purple-haired possibly dykish bartender who overheard 60% of everything we said (and inexplicably turned me on), but I tried not to hold back. 

Short story is, we’re negotiating a resumption of that aspect of our relationship. Unlike last time when we kind of rushed into it and didn’t necessarily set good boundaries, this time there will be a contract and everything. Having clearly established limitations and expectations is D/s 101-type stuff. Of course, there is nothing kinky D/s folk love more than contracts. 

The big thing I asked of him, the “price of admission” to be able to top me again, was to choose which he wanted more: A friend or a sub. I fully admit that such a request seems cold and unfair, but to follow the whole “Mistress vs. Goddess” thing (but in this case, “Master vs. God” perhaps), I don’t naturally have it in me to worship a guy like I do a woman. It’s just another part of my flavor of bisexuality that I can’t love a man romantically and I can’t create in my head the necessary framework to allow a more passive domination over me by one. The only way a D/s thing with work with Drew is if he is actively working to extract my submission and the only way I can get myself into a place where what can happen is if I don’t have to find a place to put all his insecurities and random life issues while it’s happening. And I don’t say that to suggest he’s excessively insecure or anything. He’s like any other person and has all kinds of issues and attributes mashed up inside him. He’s an emotionally open person and freely expresses himself to his friends. That’s cool if he’s my friend. But if he’s my Dom, it doesn’t work for me. So I asked him to pick. And he did. 

The contract is essentially done. All I need to do is send it back to him with acknowledgment of such and it will take effect. I’ll probably do that today some time. One of its provisions is I won’t be expected to write about my relationship with him here or on his blog or anywhere else. It’s not that I don’t like to share the intimate details of my sex life (obvs.) but I found the expectation that I would to be difficult to deal with. So I’m sorry for the hot homo sex fans amongst you, but I won’t be going there this time (he is, of course, free to write whatever he wants on his blog). Also, the new deal more clearly establishes when I’m doing “Drew time” and when I’m exclusively doing “Belle time.” Also also, it makes clear that there will be periods when the contract is being recognized and followed and times when it will not be (and those dates will be understood by both beforehand). I think that’s important because I found last time I needed some space and never really felt like there was time to get it. 

So, that’s that. Further experimentation in ancillary D/s. Tally ho.

Hell hath no fury

I experienced a whole new thing on Sunday. Belle and TOG had arranged a time to Skype and the time came and went with no word from him. She was disappointed and hurt, as anyone would be, and I was mad. 

Thing is, “mad” doesn’t really capture the emotion. I was really mad. Furious, but not letting it show to her. There’s a flavor of anger that is specific to someone wronging one of your own and that’s what I was feeling. It’s not a thing I’ve ever felt in that context. I was left to comfort her because this guy had flaked out on her, like you would a good friend except this good friend was my wife. The objective, Vulcan part of me has tried to understand what his POV might be and appreciate what he may be going through, but the rest of me gives not a shit about any of that and wants to hurt him.

They have exchanged communications since but I’m not privy to the convo because she’s decided not to tell me. All I know is she told him what she felt she needed to considering his behavior. No idea if this is the end or just a bump, but I’ve decided to stop writing about TOG for the time being either way. There may come a point when it makes sense again, but not now. Last night, Belle said to me, “Your readers are going to be so disappointed,” sort of in rueful jest. That punctuated the growing feeling I already had that spending so much time documenting them here was feeling way too invasive to her. The very last thing I want her thinking about is how her outside relationship is potential wank fodder for people who read me for the prurient details (and trust me, I’m very much pro-prurient details in other contexts), how they’d react if that doesn’t work out, what they would say in comments, etc. I have enough trouble with that.

So, if I talk about it, it’ll be in an abstract way and from the POV of a submissive in an open relationship (while the idea of calling myself a cuckold is dirty hot, I’m not sure I am once since I am also free to have outside sex…as long as it doesn’t involve the penis). For instance, having to console her drove any and all sexy thoughts from my head. It made this even more a Real Thing, not just because it affected her but how it affected me (the quiet rage thing). This is the part the hawt cuck porn doesn’t help you with and accentuates how real life is. You get all kinds of emotions and outcomes, not just the formulaic. I was part concerned husband, part submissive partner, part comforting friend who wanted to drive over to his house and kick his ass all at the same time. He wasn’t the potential bull for my hotwife, he was an emotionally immature idiot who didn’t know how to use his words. Maybe both at the same time, but the one eclipsed the other (and still does). 

Objectification issue: Resolved

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

Mrs. Fever had a typically insightful comment to my last post regarding the issues of objectification in open relationships and it’s made me think. Belle, in particular, appreciates hearing her point of view. In any event, you should read it if you haven’t.

Objectifiction is tricky. Some of us want to be objectified, but that’s not my point. I think it’s well neigh impossible for us as sexual beings to avoid all instances of objectifying the objects of our desire. I mean, we call them “the objects of our desire,” right? If you’re checking out porn for the purpose of relieving sexual tension (I’m told that’s what some people do with it), then you are going to objectify. It’s inevitable. There are even times when you’re with a significant parter that you might slip into the mode where you’re objectifying them. What I’m saying is, I think it’s a natural human thing to do. But, I also get why someone wouldn’t want to be objectified. To be reduced to an action and have all the dimension stripped away sounds icky. 

I think this is more an issue with men than women, though I could be wrong. In any event, I’ve found myself both objectifying Belle and TOG over the past several days but also being very cognizant that they’re both real people with real emotions and motivations that have nothing to do with what makes the penis swell inside its steel containment. The second night after Belle revealed the extent to which she’s been communicating with TOG, my furtively fertile imagination simply would not stop imagining their time together. As the fantasy got into high spin, the scenes started to condense until the moment that looped through my mind over and over was a tight shot of his cock buried balls-deep in her, flexing in orgasm as he shot his load into her. It was pure pornography. It was the distillment of the cuckold fantasy. The literal money shot. And it wasn’t necessarily about Belle and TOG. It was about the concept of Belle and TOG and their actions in the context of our marriage. So, I totally get what Mrs. Fever is coming from. In the light of the day, I can still feel the significance of that image in my mind but I also feel a little guilty for it. Because I also know that those two are both complete human beings doing something that’s about them and not me but part of me wants to make it all about me.

The mistake a lot of people seem to make when they try and draw their partners into a D/s arrangement is wanting them to live up to the fantasy expectation they bring with them (perhaps that’s a problem with all relationships, come to think of it). I told Belle this morning that even though we’re perilously close to making real pretty much the most potent fantasy left in my head, I do not want it to happen at the expense of either her or TOG. She needs to think about her own emotional health and his and if shit happens and it doesn’t make sense for them to proceed, I’d rather that then know it was a bad experience but he still fucked her. Basically, I don’t want my kinks or desires to influence how their relationship develops. Even if that means it develops in a way that doesn’t satisfy my fantasy, either at all or completely. As in all other things, reality is better than fantasy because it’s real. At the end of the day, I love her and only her happiness is my goal. Also, I don’t want my fantasy to be part of fucking up what sounds like a nice young man.

In other news (yes, there are other things going on between us!), Belle thinks that during this period of my submissive “reset” that I stay locked up. That could be for a while. I think she’s right. I think what I need more than anything right now it to be woken up every morning with the Steelheart squeezing the the fuck out of the penis. That, to me when I’m in the state of mind I’m in now, is comfort and love. To be sure, I want to fuck her more now than I have in a long, long time. But I need to feel that and not have it satisfied. 

I feel bad for sort of unilaterally checking out of our dynamic like I did. I know why I did it, but it was unfair of me to do it without communicating. I asked her to not let me get away with it again. If I refuse chastity, I need to be able to explain why. And I also asked her to make me do it anyway. The most toxic thing to my submission is implied indifference. She wasn’t being indifferent, but I was.

I have, I until recently, thought of D/s as an overlay to our base romantic relationship. I think that was true, but it’s been overlayed for so long I’m not sure there’s any difference anymore. I find that I’m simply incapable of getting excited about sex that doesn’t have a power exchange component. That when I’m not actively giving up power, then I’m not really being sexual. It’s like the D/s is less an overlay than it has been laminated onto our base relationship. They’re now inseparable and there’s no going back. Not ever. With that in mind, I should not be allowed to pretend otherwise.

To help keep me centered on my subness, I have asked Belle to help me come up with some kind of active demonstration of my submission to her. She is much more the Goddess than the Mistress and doesn’t get off on making me actively submit, but I feel as though I need just a small token of that to keep myself from feeling disconnected. Some little submissive touchstone I can moor myself to. We’ve had versions of this in the past. For a while, I wasn’t allowed to sleep naked without her permission to do so. I would have to ask permission to get into bed with her as a reminder that it was her bed not mine. I suppose someone would point out that wearing a steel chastity device all the time seems like the ultimate “submissive touchstone” but that’s so much a part of me now it’s hard to see it any other way. So, I don’t know. Not sure what it should be and Belle doesn’t either. Ideas?

I have news regarding Drew to pass along, but this post is long enough and it really should have its own. That will have to wait just a little longer (also, it needs to perhaps gel a bit further). Oh, mysterious!