One of the biggest impediments to people picking up the practice of chastity and orgasm denial mid-life as a way to build intimacy and/or strengthen a relationship is that a lot of people have very specific ideas of what sex is and is not. Who does what and when and how and with what. Of course, it’s that kind of thinking that generally leads to sexual malaise in closed, monogomous relationships, but it also makes the idea of chastity and orgasm denial weird and kinky in that the kind of sex it allows is not like “normal” sex. This was an issue early on with Belle who didn’t consider sex in which I was locked up the whole time to be us having sex.
Thing is, sex comes in all kinds of flavors, shapes, and sizes. I’m not going to spend too much time trying to define what is and is not sex, but generally speaking, if you’re erotically stimulated and doing things to specifically enhance that stimulation (up to and including orgasm), it’s sex. And you can even have sex just with yourself, though we call that masturbation.
So I wanted to put down some general observations that may come in handy for those thinking about doing this chastity/orgasm denial thing (they’re not the same thing, remember?). Things that now, to Belle and me, seem second nature but weren’t always that way. Things that probably everyone should know, whether or not one of them has their junk locked in a contraption.
De rigueur disclaimer that this post is very specifically written from the point of view of a man with a penis in a relationship with a woman with a pussy, though if that’s not your configuration I’m sure a lot of the concepts still apply.
1. The penis is not the point
I remember the first time Belle and I had sex during which the penis played no part whatsoever (mostly because I wrote about it). Fairly early on, it took us about five months or so to let go of the idea that if the penis wasn’t starring in the production, it wasn’t really a play worth seeing. This concept is not one that just men bring to the party. Women are socially conditioned to assume a supporting role. As if the pussy exists to create a place into which one puts a penis (remember, Belle didn’t used to think it was sex unless she got fucked). This is just complete bullshit.
Penises are not magical. There’s nothing special about them. Sure, I’m a big fan and think they’re really great, but a woman can be deeply sexually satisfied without involving one. Now, we have penis-less sex all the time. Sex in which I remain locked up and she never even touches me anywhere near the device is not that big a deal.
Even if you’re not in a D/s thing or chastity or whatever, the point is sex does not begin and end when the penis gets wet. As the post I linked to above demonstrates, sometimes it starts hours before. Sometimes it’s about things that are all in your head (or hitting your ass). It is actually possible to have really great, satisfying, and breathtaking sex without using the penis for anything in particular.
2. Your whole body is a sex organ
Related to the first point, there’s all kinds of things on your body that can either get your partner off or get you off. If there’s one thing not having access to a functioning penis can teach you, it’s that “erogenous zone” is a misnomer. Mine starts at the top of my head and ends at the tip of my toes. It’s only when the big obvious one is struggling against a hard object that the rest of the board lights up for some guys.
Alternatively, you can use all sorts of things to get your partner off. Sure, fingers and tongues are obvious, but I can also get Belle going by pressing my forearm against her pussy. Pressing my whole body into hers. Wrapping her legs in mine. Touch is what we crave. Sensual (as we define it — a hard slap on the ass can count for some) contact. A demonstration of seeking their pleasure. Of trying to find a vector into their ecstasy. I don’t have issues with porn as a general rule, but if you only watch the kind where the guy bangs the fuck out of the chick with big tits, you’re not only missing out, you’re probably going to end up with a lot of unhappy sex partners (unless you find one who wants to be that banged up chick).
3. Toys count
If you listen to Dan Savage long enough, you’re bound to hear a call from someone whose male sex partner finds her use of vibrators to get off threatening. It’s like clockwork. His poor male ego can’t handle the fact that she needs something more than his Wonder Cock to achieve orgasm. This fact makes several points for me. First, a very large percentage of women require clitoral stimulation to come some or all of the time. Like, maybe only half can come through vaginal intercourse all by itself. Two, what that means is the pussy is its own thing that needs what it needs and, a lot of the time, that’s something more than a penis (and sometimes, not even a penis). It is not simply the vessel of the cock. It’s not there solely to make a wet hole for one. Three, guys in general invest too much of their own personal self-worth in their dicks. Like, duh.
It is, OF COURSE, still sex if a vibrator is involved. Even if she’s the one using it and all you, the guy, are doing is attending to other points of focus (nipples, etc.). Think I don’t count it as sex when Belle pulls the vibrator out and finishes herself off? Oh yeah, I do.
The objective of a successful sexual encounter is mutual satisfaction. “Satisfaction” has a surprising number of definitions, it turns out, but it can’t be defined as only being archived via a specific method. There are a multitude of paths to satisfaction. If, at the end, everyone feels good about how it went, bingo.
4. Something something orgasms
This last bit has proven hard to put into words. There are some things I want to say that might be controversial. But, I think I can really get behind this:
She should always come first. Always.
This is simple human physiology. Men, after orgasm, are fighting millennia of evolutionary programming just staying awake whereas woman are often (but not always) just getting started. It’s an interesting question as to why that is. For the answer, I’d direct you to the exceptional Sex at Dawn. But I digress.
Men are designed to lose interest in sex after they come. So if you haven’t already been a good sex partner and made her happy beforehand, doing so after will feel like you’re doing it in molasses wearing 30 pound backpack (i.e., a lot harder).
Of course, I don’t think men need to come. They feel like coming, sure. It can become the most important thing in the world to them. And woman are programmed by our culture to invest a lot in his orgasm. They’re conditioned to feel guilt if they impede it (while also being taught that even to be in that position is not what good girls do). But there’s lots of good reasons they shouldn’t. But I guess this whole blog is about that, so we’ll leave that there.
The bottom line is there is no one way to do sex. We get too hung up on the standards. On the way it’s portrayed in popular culture. We lose sight of the fact that it’s about happiness and pleasure and therefore anything that leads to those things among consenting adults is fair game. This is all written from my point of view as the kind of man I am in the relationship I’m in. Your mileage, as they say, may vary.