March metrics

IMG_1958I keep saying these months are weird and they are but if this keeps up I’m going to have to find a new adjective. Belle often has a bunch of travel in the first quarter and this year I do too plus Spring Break and shared hotel rooms, etc. I find it hard remembering what normal was like.

Anyway, Belle only had seven orgasms in March and I only gave her two of those. The rest were self-administered. Part of that was due to a trip of hers over a weekend and two more weekends in hotel rooms with the kids, but she did take care of herself one morning after the kids and I left her alone. That was both slightly painful since I would have liked to give it to her but also cool that he took matters into her own hands. Regardless, her number was a bit below average.

I was allowed out of chastity three times to fuck her. The last time, about mid-month, she told me to come and I did. Well, as well as I can now. It wasn’t especially great for me. As I’ve said, my orgasms are kind of broken. I honestly can’t remember one that felt really good. They don’t feel a ton different from the leakages that happen when I fuck Belle except for the post-orgamsic feelings (and even those are less intense than they used to be).

The more observant among you might be saying, Wait a minute. He fucked her three times but only got her off twice? Yes. She got herself off one of those times since she had me come before she did. I laid there and gave her moral support, though.

In reflecting upon that orgasm and my recent funk, it seems they must be linked. My sub drop was too extreme to be from anything else. But it couldn’t have been just the hormonal release that made it happen. I haven’t dropped that much from an orgasm in a long time. I think it was less hormonal and more emotional. My orgasms are so pathetic now and really give me so little pleasure and I feel sort of resentful about that. Not that they’re that way. Not that they’re not the events they used to be. But that they happen at all.

This gets dangerously close to topping from bottom. I’m not allowed to ask for or refuse orgasm. But it’s how I’m feeling. I wish they didn’t need to happen. I feel like enough “plumbing” issues are taken care of with the occasional expression of fluid when I’m allowed to penetrate Belle. I just really, really, really don’t want to come. Really. Clearly, this is something we need to talk about.

Last night, perhaps as a preface to this line of thought, I asked Belle to leave me locked up longer. I’ve already been in for three weeks without release (since the day I came) and I feel a powerful need to stay locked up longer. It’s hard to explain. I don’t want to see the penis. I don’t want to feel pleasure through it. I only want to feel it strain and crave and be denied. I want it out of sight and out of mind as a thing separate from its containment. I feel as though this is part of the evolution I talked about a few months ago. That I feel my predominant sexual identity is “bottom,” not bisexual. And I define “bottom” as someone who only provides sexual pleasure to another. I love getting Belle off. I love feeling her orgasm course through her body. It’s a potent thing for me to experience through her. I know in my subbie heart I need to be there for her when she wants to feel a hard penis inside her. I know it’s my duty. But…it’s hard. And getting harder.

I reject the old trope that being locked up and denied for longer and longer periods makes one hornier and hornier forever. That’s simply not how it works. But I do subscribe to the idea it makes one more of what they are. It makes one more submissive or more whatever. The hormonal load one carries around is like sexual MSG enhancing all the preexisting predilections. I surmise it would be possible to back me out of this frame of mind regarding orgasm and penis use if I wasn’t locked up all the time. If I was able to pleasure myself with it and even have regular orgasms. I think that would eventually reset everything. But that’s not where we are so that’s not how I am. And in the meantime, my predilections are becoming more and more prominent. I do not have an opinion as to whether or not this is mentally healthy. I think someone from the outside would read all this and think I was in a bad place. I don’t feel that way at all. I feel like it’s all perfectly natural and in a lot of ways it just feels right. But I am left with the internal conflict of not wanting to do for Belle something she wants and needs from me. At least not right now. That’s causing me angst.

Whew, that got really serious and deep. More than I expected. Let’s talk about chastity devices and lighten the mood a bit, shall we? I primarily wore the Steelheart in March. I traveled earlier in the month wearing the Holy Trainer v2 and over Spring Break wearing the Holy Trainer v3 nano. The gap on the bottom of the HTv3 tube really pisses me off because without it that device would be spectacular. However, it’s so bad I found one of my testicles behind the ring three times over ten days. I was even able to take the device totally off and put it back on again in the shower, all the while leaving it locked. That’s simply unacceptable for a male chastity device, in my opinion.

I went back into the Steelheart as soon as we got home and it feels enormous. The HTv3 nano is a perfect size and much smaller than the Steelheart. I feel like it’s time to size down again. I’ve been chatting with a guy on Tumblr who has a new custom device from Steelworxx that’s kind of part Steelheart and part Looker with a locking PA fixing underneath. I’m going to ask Belle if I can start working with Deitmar on a new design that’s basically a Steelheart with that locking PA part, a slightly larger base ring, and a shorter and narrower tube. It would need to maintain the Steelheart look Belle prefers but I’ve definitely…er…”outgrown” is the wrong word. Undergrown? Whatever. It needs to be smaller.

Note, I am not saying the penis is shrinking due to chastity. That’s not a thing no matter how hot the idea sounds to you. It’s still the same size it was the nine plus years ago we started all this. But my preferences and tolerances definitely have changed.

Anyway, due to all the traveling, my locked up time was 99.7% of the month. I was out only 2 hours and 13 minutes, mostly to fuck but also for some cleaning. That’s one minute less than last month and 8 minutes more than January. The one-third of one percent free time average has extended for three months now and is about half the time out I was allowed out in November and December and is much lower than 2018’s year end total of 2%.

So now it’s April and it’s snowing outside. Great. More weirdness.

11 thoughts on “March metrics

  1. “I reject the old trope that being locked up and denied for longer and longer periods makes one hornier and hornier forever. “

    There has to be some upper limit. I mean, if being locked up for a week makes you horny, then locked for two weeks would be hornier still. And then it’s two months. Six months. At some point, it’s junt not going to get any more… whatever.

      1. I don’t know. During the day I am usually not horny though at times I do go through these periods of super or hyper horniness. Still when I’m edged I’m very very horny. I think much hornier than when I orgasmed all the time.

      2. I’m the opposite – I’m charged up in the morning, but by the time my work day ends, I don’t care about anything, much less an orgasm or sex.

  2. I’ve been having a conversation with a friend recently on the long term implications both physically and mentally of continual chastity. I suppose I thought it would just make you hornier and I guess in the early days it would but as we all know, the longer you go without something the less you want it. It was interesting reading about how you don’t want to orgasm now. I think there are plenty of guys who are just as devoted to oral servitude but still want to cum. Of course, chastity might not be an added element of their D/s. There are so many different levels on this so it was really interesting reading your experiences here. Thank you for the insight. I hope you get to have that conversation. Communication is so important.

    1. It’s complicated. I don’t want to come but I want to feel the need to come. I do feel that. When I’m locked up and making Belle come, the penis strains and aches for her pussy and the desire to fuck her and come is tremendous. But it’s sort of like having a bunch of cupcakes sitting around. I want them, but know if I eat them I won’t be happy afterward. The reward of denial and chastity is the craving and the hunger and the feeling of being kept. Indulgence is easy. Not being allowed to is hard. And also more rewarding.

      1. You’re addicted to the need rather than the outcome. It’s like a drug. I totally get that. I wish I could get into that mindset with the cupcakes. I just eat the cupcakes.

    2. A while ago, I noticed that for me, my arousal built up steadily for about 3 weeks, and then I reached a kind of plateau – a point or plane at which I had a continual buzz of low-level arousal.

      That has changed a bit over the years as we’ve gone along, but it also depends on how busy we are, how much teasing she’s doing, things like that.

      1. Yeah, life can get in the way. Sometimes you have to nurture the desire through or other things just dwarf your spark.

        I don’t know whether denial works in the same way for women. I know there’s a whole bunch of other hormones involved and orgasms are very different for us than for you so I don’t know whether denial has the same effect long term or short term. I know that the longer I don’t cum for the less interest I have in wanting to, but like I said, that’s generally because vanilla life gets in the way sometimes and I like to have something to focus on so if there’s no prospective around I’m less likely to concentrate on it.

  3. Looking at your most recent post – you seem pretty conflicted about whether you want to go “more bottom”, want to lose your ability to orgasm. Have you thought of just taking a break from chastity to get some perspective?

    I have an odd sexuality. I’m gay, but I also like emasculation. You would think that makes me a bottom, but I’m really not. They’re more like two spirits of mine: one likes fucking guys, one likes being made to feel passive – maybe by being fucked, but as a means to an end. What I’ve found though is that if I indulge the second spirit, it starts to take over.

    Once I thought this meant it was my ‘real’ sexuality. Now I have a different perspective. Being emasculated is sexy and intense, and almost addictive, but it’s only part of the whole. In later years I’ve come to appreciate the other part of my sexual self, which has its own depth. Truthfully I don’t like how self-centered my fetishes make me, and I don’t want to miss the joys of being a top.

    I can’t say how closely your sexuality may or may not align to mine (substituting male for female). One thing I will say is my experience has taught it’s very easy to lose perspective in subspace. Just because a feeling is intense doesn’t make it more exclusively “you”. And there’s a lot to be gained by taking one kind of experience and applying it to the other: bottoming makes you a better top, and vice versa. Take care.

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