Thumper’s top ten rules for locked men

We’re in Mexico for Christmas. Ten days away from cold and snow and sunsets that seem to begin right after lunch in exchange for warmth and walks on the beach and sunsets that happen at reasonable times and look like this:

Now that’s a fucking sunset.

It’s not all sombreros and sunshine, though. I came down here with a nasty cold and it got worse on the way. Kept me from diving one day and is threatening to do it again (you can’t scuba dive if your head is so congested that you can’t equalize the pressure outside your head with the pressure inside your head). I’m feeling better, though now my mother-in-law and daughter have the cold (which seems to have infiltrated the family through Belle).

Anyway, once I was starting to feel better, Belle allowed me to get her off two days in a row. The first day, I stayed in the Steelheart and the second she wanted the penis so I was out. She got carried away and decided to get on top and ride it which lasted about 48 seconds but she paused long enough for me to avoid orgasm (though it was a messy near miss). This morning, I was awake well before she was and the Steelheart was heavy and full along with my balls which felt huge and seemed to hang down far lower than usual between my legs. She started to wake up and I spooned into her, nuzzling the crowded steel tube into her ass.

“Not today,” she told me while wiggling her butt a little.

A complicated cocktail of emotions followed. Sure, I was horny. But I was also content. Because there are rules that dictate our dynamic and specifically sex. And I’ll share them with you now.

These aren’t the same as Belle’s rules for me. I think of these rules as how men locked in chastity should behave, in general. Of course, there’s no One True Way™ and everyone gets to figure this out as they go, but these are the rules I’ve made in my head and applied to my relationship and they work for me (and us, I suppose). If I taught a class on male chastity as a lifestyle, this is how I’d tell the men they should approach their new lives. As a man who’s given up control over the thing that defines his manhood. You give that up, you give up a lot of other things, too.

Thumper’s top 10 rules for the well-behaved and happy locked man

  1. Sex is a service for your keyholder.
  2. You don’t decide when and how or how often sex happens.
  3. You are not entitled to sex.
  4. You are not to have any expectation of sex.
  5. You are not to initiate sex other then to reinforce your availability to your keyholder to satisfy their needs and desires.
  6. You are not to demonstrate any emotions that indicate dissatisfaction with their decisions regarding sex.
    • It is acceptable to show sexual frustration, within reason, assuming your keyholder is OK with that.
  7. Pleasure you experience while servicing your keyholder is secondary to theirs always.
  8. When your keyholder allows you to service them sexually, it is a gift.
  9. Always do your best, but don’t expect perfection from yourself.
  10. Your keyholder can situationally alter these or any rules based on their needs and desires. In other words, don’t be pedantic.

Most of these go against everything culture tells men they’re entitled to. Accepting and embracing these realities are among the hardest things I’ve ever done. But now they’re so deeply embedded in my core code, I don’t think I’d ever be capable of acting like a “normal” man again.

So, when Belle told me not today, I felt frustration and regret…but also acceptance. And contentment because I know what I am.

Whatever she wants. Always.

Mailbag

Last time I logged into FetLife was more than a year ago. At least, that’s what I surmise from how old the messages are in my inbox. Since some of them are inquiries for advice, I’ll answer them here for all to see. I’m leaving all the names off since none of them consented for me to make their messages public.

Hello Thumper, I enjoy your website. Thank you for your info & reviews. I’ve learned a lot from your writings.

For 24/7/365 wear, what is your TOP recommendation for a device?

We’d like something that breathes, non-noticeable, comfortable, secure, and perhaps goes with a PA piercing.

The search for a perfect device is so frustrating!! Thank you very much!!!

The PA part is what makes that tricky. The one I wear 24/7/365 (or could if Belle wanted me to) is the Steelheart. But “breathes” is tricky since it’s totally enclosed. I don’t really have an issue with “breathing,” but some folks get squicked out by the closed nature of the tube. If so, then the Half Shell is pretty good, though I can’t pee standing up while wearing it and don’t like how the contents are exposed underneath. 

In non-metal, you could look into a 3D printed device. I have limited experience with those, but there are several that have integrated PA fixings. The Holy Trainer is a great choice, but doesn’t utilize a PA piercing. 

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a perfect device. 

I’m a 31 year old Spanish guy, cut as well, and interested in chastity.

I have a doubt… if you’re submissive and wearing a chastity device, doesn’t your offspring know anything?

I don’t think so. Of course, I have no idea what they’ve snooped and found, but I have no reason to think that have. My daughter has had inadvertent contact with a device, but it was fleeting and I don’t know what she made of it. 

Typically, I try and avoid situations where that could happen. I angle myself away when hugging and will even tuck the whole package between my legs when laying on the couch watching TV or whatever.

Regarding the submissive stuff, sure, that’s more obvious. But I’m not on all fours and eating off the floor or anything, so I look like a husband who defers to his wife more than average, I suppose. 

I have been reading your blog when I was searching around the web on male chastity. As I became more involved in your background I found myself reviewing my life and my experiences which has similarities but much different outcomes.

I was married to a woman and we have one daughter. I found myself questioning my sexuality and was open with her about this fact. I went to marriage therapists and personal therapists and found myself in a position that I needed to make a black or white decision. I was attracted to men and porn and the leather kink side of things. An extreme opposite of the vanilla background I had experienced up to that point in my life. I loved my wife and she wasn’t keen on getting out of the relationship but wanted it done and over with so she could have closure. We are still very close and also live nearby so our daughter can be near both of us. We have been divorced for almost 10 years, and I had one relationship with a guy early after our divorce, but he died of brain cancer a 4 years ago. I have not had any meaningful relationships with guys after that experience. Your comments on sexual attraction versus love and the descriptions with magnets struck a cord with me. I have met alot of great gay friends and I can appreciate they are wired totally gay. I find myself falling in some continuum in the middle, and honestly I find both sexes attractive and I appreciate your Tumblr pages depicting both. I wonder what my life would be like if I managed to walk the path that you experienced in yours. In addition, I often wonder how you find opportunities to meet people like Drew. I don’t seem to find [FetLife] to be a forum to meet any kinksters in my area that’s for sure.

Sorry to be all over the board on this message. It’s just a bunch of my thoughts that I wanted to spill out as I was thinking about them. Thanks for your amazing blog. It was really helpful as I was able to reflect on my experiences.

Life is strange. We always seem to want to boil it down to a limited number of options. Gay, straight, male, female. But it’s not like that. You know what I’m talking about. 

With only a few minor changes, I might have ended up on a path more like yours. I know I faced a great deal of external pressure at one point in my life to accept the homosexual acts I performed as who I was. Doing so, in some ways, would have been an easier choice than to deal with my bisexuality. But I wouldn’t have been happy. And while I still doubt I could ever feel romantic love with another man, at this point in my life I’m not sure if a strong D/s dynamic with the right guy couldn’t approximate it. I just don’t know. But there’s little chance I’ll find out. Those paths have already been passed. 

On one hand, I’d like to go back thirty-five years and tell myself some things. About sexuality and what kink was and what I felt when doing certain things meant. But on the other, had I done that, who knows where I’d be today. Would I be with Belle? Would I have these amazing children? Probably not. And I’m unwilling to imagine a life like that. 

All we can do is live in the now and worry about the future. The past is past. It can’t be rewritten and shouldn’t be. I don’t sense remorse in your message. I hope you don’t feel it. 

How do I find guys like Drew? Well, so far, I’ve only found the one! Him and the guy I was most serious with as a teenager who is willing to look past my lack of a functioning penis. Drew came to me thanks to this blog and the other one I met in German class in about 1983 so I don’t have much advice to offer in the ways of meeting men, I’m afraid. Perhaps my readers have some ideas for you. 

Have you found a chastity device that you could not get out of without the key? I find that I can always pull my penis back through the retaining ring and get it out. If the cage and ring are close enough together, I can’t get my balls free though.

Last time I travelled in the Holy Trainer v3 Nano, I found that one of my balls had slipped out the back of the ring. The opening on the bottom of the tube is ridiculous and I blame that. For the life of me, I couldn’t get the damned thing back in and leaving my balls half in and half out felt very strange so I popped the other one through and slipped the whole damned thing off. It was quite disappointing.

I have never worn a device I couldn’t back the penis out of absent a PA fixing. Even the Looker 02 with it’s urethral insert. I don’t believe any device without a way to secure a piercing is secure. Some feel more secure than others, but none of them are. Not one.

I’ve been following your blog and your journey, thanks for your candidness.

Seems that you’re quite the subject matter expert with living with a Steelheart. Do you have any good tips on keeping clean with it?

Also, have you had to fly / travel with yours?

I have travelled wearing with the Steelheart, but have never taken it through security. When I do that, it’s in my carry-on and I put it on in the bathroom once through. 

Regarding cleanliness, I try to wash it every day. There’s really no way to keep it from getting smelly otherwise and even then it will occasionally become aromatic in between showers or rinses. It’s the nature of the beast, I’m afraid. 

I did make a video showing how I cleaned mine, once upon a time. 

Got a quick question for you regarding Steelheart sizing, since you’ve got a good bit of familiarity with Steelworxx’s offerings.

I’m planning on ordering a Steelheart with the steel tube ring and integrated lock options. My question is related to the tube length. Their site advertises an “overall length” of either 60mm or 130mm (which can probably be customized, at least as implied on some of your blog posts). Are they basing this measurement of the tube length only, or also including the width of A-ring and the space between the ring and the tube (such that the ‘tube length’ would be less than either 60 or 130mm)?

My recollection was it was from the base ring forward, but it’s been a while. I’d clarify that in my order if I were you (which you probably did months and months ago). And yes, Deitmar will make any length you want. 

I have a shit ton of regular messages in my inbox to get to. Will try to do that soon. 

Holiday confinement

This Christmas, we’re going on vacation. This is something we did for the first time a few years ago. Everyone (Belle, the kids, her parents, her sister’s family — everyone) went to Hawaii. Which was, of course, super fun since it was friggin’ Hawaii. Big island. Good times. 

This year, we’re going to Mexico for ten days. Specifically, Cabo San Lucas. Just our family of four and Belle’s parents. Even though I grew up in SoCal, I’ve only been to Mexico once before. Long-time readers might remember since I wrote a post about it (so long ago, the penis was still being called a cock lol). That trip was to Puerto Vallarta which reminded me a lot of the Caribbean islands we’ve been to. Cabo is way dryer and deserty. There will be lounging poolside, sun, scuba, Christmas palm trees. You know, the usual. 

It has been not uncommon when we’ve been on vacations for Belle to leave the penis out of its confinement. Presumably, this is because we’re on vacation so maybe she was thinking the penis could be on supervised release, too. A little vacation for the little guy. 

And that’s been on my mind for the past few days now that we’re officially in same month as our trip because the prospect of being out for any period of time kind of makes me angsty (see previous post). So while we were on the couch tonight kissing and waiting for the Flynn sentencing memo to drop (like most romantics), I asked her to leave me in even when we’re away, regardless of activities, unless (of course) she wanted to use the contents. 

Belle assured me that that would indeed be the case. She may have once felt she was being nice by letting me out on trips and vacations, but we’re past that now. Contained and secure is what I am and should be. So, Holy Trainer on the plane and Steelheart once we’re there. 

There is no holiday from confinement.