There is no spoon

An interesting little exchange on Twitter about Tom’s chastity/denial matrix. I was trying to formulate a response but found the Twitter construct limiting so I’m doing it here. The exchange was this, in response to a tweet of mine about the matrix and asking people where they’d put themselves on it:

While I don’t think of chastity and denial as a punishment, I also don’t strictly speaking think of it as a life choice. I mean, yes, of course it’s a choice. I have a choice as to whether I’m locked up and denied. I entered into this arrangement with Belle and, theoretically, could get out of it if I needed or wanted to.

That said, I feel that accepting chastity and denial is more than a simple choice. I feel, deeply, that I am meant to be locked up and denied. That it is my natural state. It’s how I am supposed to be. Some of us are meant to have orgasms and some of us are meant to cause them.

So, no, I’m not being punished. Because I have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with me. But access to the contents of the device and the pleasure of orgasm are being enforced and subjected upon me. Left to my own devices, I would eventually succumb to desire and give myself an orgasm. My nature and my evolutionary programming are at odds that way.

Tom left a comment on my reblog of his post saying that too often chastity and denial are conflated as the same thing. Some men are denied but not locked up. Some are locked up but are allowed to come fairly regularly. And that’s totally true. Tom suggests it all falls under the umbrella of “erotic orgasm denial,” and that works, but I do find myself wishing we had a word that was exclusively for the part of the Venn diagram where one is both locked and denied. I have no idea what that word might be. Some people use “chaste” but that’s not at all right since it’s a synonym with celibate and chastity and denial lead to more and better sex, not less. Certainly not none.

In reality, being denied but not locked would make me a non-functional adult. I would not be able to concentrate on anything at all after a few weeks. The device makes the denial not just possible, but also doable. I’ve read some blogs where the sub or the Dom consider devices a crutch or not “real” denial. Because the sub isn’t in control of it, their keyholder is. Of course, there is no One True Way. But for me, deviceless denial is a non-starter.

Also, I like the gear. I’m a nerd. I like stuff. I like to think about stuff. I like to compare them and consider their plusses and minuses and how they might be made better. I’d miss if the device was absent because I like it as an object. And, as I’ve written about a lot lately, I’ve grown to think of the device as part of me. It’s not separate from my sexual existence. It is my sexual existence. Like I said above, I was meant for this.

Also also, I’m into the compression. I’m into bondage. I’m a masochist. I like the feeling of having a locked penis and especially when it’s locked and trying to get hard.

So anyway, to circle back, it’s not about punishment. But it is about discipline. And it is about control and order and security. And I crave all those things down deep in my core.

9 thoughts on “There is no spoon

  1. Yes, yes, yes! Thank you for teasing out what I so indadequatly expressed. And all beautifully summed up in your last paragraph.

  2. Also, I like the gear.

    Hah – that goes without saying. My two favorite colors are “tight” and “shiny.”

    but I do find myself wishing we had a word that was exclusively for the part of the Venn diagram where one is both locked and denied. I have no idea what that word might be.

    It’s been my contention for the last 20 years that the “chastity community” really does not have its own syntax for a lot of this kind of thing. Chaste isn’t really good for the reasons you mention. I’ve seen “chastized,” but there’s already a connotation for that word. Chanied? No, that just sounds stupid. Do we coin a word, or repurpose one? Like you, I don’t know.

    Last year I was trying to find a term to describe when locked guys use a strapon on their partner. I’ve seen the term “reverse pegging,” but that’s not exactly right. The suggestions we came up with were either unwieldy, or looked good on paper, but didn’t seem right when spoken.

    We’ve been doing this for years, why haven’t we figured this out yet?

  3. Thumper,

    I’m zeroing in on your ending comment regarding punishment. I think most people believe that punishment is a consequence of bad behavior. In the regular world, a spanking or flogging or denial of sexual activity would undeniably be considered a punishment. What happens in the irregular world? A world when the punishment IS the reward? In the world of chastity, the chastity is somehow both the reward and the punishment.

    IT’S THE REWARD: My wife didn’t dream any of this up–I asked her for it and I think you (Thumper) are in the same boat. If I ask you for something and you give it to me, haven’t I been rewarded? And since there isn’t a such thing as a truly secure device (arguably, there are varying levels of security from not secure to most secure, but not totally secure), I don’t think there is much non-consensual chastity going on. If chastity is consensual and you asked for it, how is that not a reward?

    IT’S THE PUNISHMENT: Orgasms feel good. If someone takes them away, how is that not a punishment?

    So, where the hell does this leave us? Somewhere in between. When I’m locked, I’m sexually charged and hoping and lusting for my next orgasm. There is an energy that builds that, when relief is granted makes it so wonderful. After that release, there is an empty hollow feeling. The game is no longer afoot and ask to get back into chastity to get back to that high again. It makes chastity and denial seem more like a drug.

    1. My wife doesn’t view lack of orgasms or being locked as a punishment. She’s jokingly said stuff to that affect but never meant it. To her, being locked just IS, and when I am allowed to cum it’s a gift. Which I get, especially since 99 times out of 100 I’m the only one benefiting from me having an orgasm.

      1. @Nicotime, “99 times out of 100 I’m the only one benefiting from me having an orgasm.” That made me laugh. The odds are more like 999,999 out of a million for me. I have two kids, so, they benefited. I can’t think of anyone else that has ever benefited.

  4. This subject is for sure a complicated psychological mind and body elixir. Several times I rebelled against the key holder and decided to remove my chastity cage and announcing to my wife I was done with it. But, within a short time I found myself trying to find reasons to get it back on like I felt unnatural without it. My wife knows that I believe I need to be completely under her control sexually 24/7 but she seems to be participating only on a part time basis. She pushes the buttons where my mental and physical emotions are working for me one moment and against me the next. While I’m trying to figure out the best way to utilize those crazy endorphins, which I understand play an important roll, I come to realize that my wife has total control of those little chemical bombs and I don’t. Where am I now? She has helped me into having intense body orgasms without a release or edging at it finest results in no after session let down and I like it like that. I stay charged and content till the next time. Happy trails!

  5. “Tom suggests it all falls under the umbrella of “erotic orgasm denial,” and that works, but I do find myself wishing we had a word that was exclusively for the part of the Venn diagram where one is both locked and denied.”

    I’ve got it. It’s been staring at us all along.


    Okay, I seriously need to get off the internet and do some work.

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