Koala Munchkin review

TL;DR version:

DO NOT BUY THIS THING.

Normal version:

Super minimal chastity devices appear to be a growing (lol) segment of the market in recent years. I have even reviewed one or two on my blog, but not one as totally nullifying as the Munchkin line of devices sold by Koala Swim. They create a totally flat presentation that not only presses the penis down, it also has a “peg” that pushes it in and inverts it entirely.

Personally, I prefer the look of a device that leaves some suggestion of its contents, but I also really get off on the feeing of erection compression so can at least theoretically appreciate why the Munchkin exists. However, as executed, it’s not just a terrible device, it’s also dangerously irresponsible.

Rewind a bit. One of the issues with super minimal devices is how they squish their contents and how their contents are used for the frequent act of fluid waste elimination. Lots of messy spray can occur. I found that to be the case with the one metal, nameless minimal device I’ve tested. The solution to this is a urethral insert to help guide the flow of urine. Normally, these are relatively short and made of metal (preferably titanium), but in the case of the Munchkin, it’s longish and consists of flexible plastic tubing (as it’d have to be) and a metal tip.

Right off the bat, you may be concerned that the tip might come off which would obviously be A Very Bad Thing. Good news is, the metal bit is very securely held in place. Bad news is…well, there are exposed edges. Exposed sharp edges. On both the metal and the plastic.

Maybe you don’t know (but I do) that the “skin” lining the urethra is very tender and sensitive. That sensitivity can lead to pleasure which is why sounding and other types of insertive penis play is enjoyed by many, but it can also lead to serious discomfort if the object being inserted isn’t perfectly smooth. The urethral tube of the Koala Munchkin is not perfectly smooth. In fact, it’s SHARP. AS. FUCK.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, how does anyone in good conscience sell something like this knowing a man is going to shove it up his penis!? Not that some dude might shove it up his penis. That they are expected to. I am honestly angry such a thing is marketed. It’s a goddamned crime, as far as I’m concerned.

Now, the insert is not required for use. I would have tried it absent that except for the fact it didn’t fit me. The sell a 38mm base ring and a 45mm ring with nothing in between (but probably larger than that, as I recall, but I don’t remember the specifics nor do I care to go find out). The Steelheart has a 40mm base ring which is just large enough for me to wear and, since little to no erectile tissue would protrude through the Munchkin’s base ring, I thought going down to 38mm would work. It did not. I could not get the…tube? Cage? Plate? Peg?…aligned with the screw hole on the base ring in order to secure it. The whatever-we-want-to-call-it was too thick to fit through the ring along with the bits of me also required to squish in there so I couldn’t get it on completely. Too bad because I suspect the 45mm version would have been way too big on me. Forty millimeters would have been perfect.

I suppose I can say the craftsmanship and finish of the parts that wouldn’t end up quite possibly causing a man to bleed from his penis were acceptable. Though the “lock” is just a hex screw so isn’t really at all secure.

So, yeah, not a complete review. Except to say their urethral insert is an irresponsible bit of malpractice and should be a fucking crime to distribute. I wouldn’t recommend anything they sell because of it and don’t think any of you should buy anything from them ever.

The two types

It seems to me there are two kinds of men in chastity.

  1. Men with cocks locked in chastity devices
  2. Men with chastity devices

I think way back at the dawn of time when Belle locked our first CB6K on me, I was definitely the first type. And a lot of guys are always going to be that type. For them (and their keyholders), chastity is a means to an end. They use it tactically to enhance their sex lives and make the inevitable release, fucking, and orgasm as mind-blowing as possible. For sure, all the second types start out as the first type. As I did. But then we find ourselves in a new place. Where being locked up is no longer a means to an end. It is the end. You do it for it.

And to the first type, the second type will either seem totally crazy, which means they’ll always be the first type, or totally terrifying. As I did. And that fear, I think, is the best indication that they’re not going to become the second type. They already are the second type.

There are lots of examples I can think of in my own sexuality where I was confronted with something I had no conception of that scared the hell out of me only later to realize it was me. If you’re not into something, it either squicks you out or you think it’s hilarious or crazy or whatever. But the fear is rooted in something else. It’s self-realization fighting with shame.

I can recall the first time I read accounts of cuckolding. Of being cuckolded. I recall how it made me tremble. Of how panicked it made me feel. Because I saw myself in it in a way I did not expect. And I had to deal with what that meant. Of how I had to reassess my understanding of myself.

I think with chastity and denial it was slower, but the same. In the early days, I was frustrated at Belle for locking me up but then not letting me have as much sex with her as I wanted. Perhaps in an attempt to get me to leave her alone, she’d let me go unlocked and allow me to edge myself for hours in bed next to her while she slept. I’d literally jack off for hours, frothing myself up, leaking like the Titanic and making our bedroom stink of ejaculate. I mean, honestly, in retrospect. What the absolute fuck was that about?

Letting go of preconceptions about oneself is hard. I spent the first 40 or so years of my life defining my sexuality around the contents of the Steelheart. I was always leaning into submissiveness since I always wanted to get my partner off first and was very invested in their pleasure, but I also very much expected and felt entitled to my pleasure. I had pride of penis. Of its role and primacy. I can even remember arguing with Frodo way back in high school about whose dick was bigger. And thinking mine was. I mean, honestly, in retrospect. What the absolute fuck was that about?

Losing my pride of penis was scary and hard because I had to come to grips with being the kind of submissive that was almost entirely focused on my partner’s pleasure to such an extent that mine was totally ignored. And that being denied like that was how I found my pleasure. A satisfaction and contentment far in excess of post-orgasmic stupor. I had to let go of being the archetype male who is the sexual aggressor and penetrator and whose sexual release is celebrated over all things and become instead…this other thing. The second type of man in chastity. The type who lets go of his penis, figuratively and literally. A type of man we have no archetype for.

And, of course, this is who I am. And it no longer scares me. It provides me comfort. I am living my true life.

It’s impossible to imagine finding myself here without Belle. She had to adapt to what I needed nearly as much as I needed to adapt to being kept as I am. She never signed up to be married to a kept sub bottom who didn’t want to (and now barely can) fuck. She likes being fucked. Riding my hard-on was her preferred way to come. But she’s allowed her body to relearn some things to accommodate me. We’re not sure she can come from penetration anymore. It’s all digits and tongues now for her.

I can’t ever really express how grateful I am to her. Her understanding and generosity.

But, getting back to this post’s premise, there are two types of locked men. It’s worth asking yourself which type you are. Are you appalled at the idea of letting go of your cock? Or are you afraid of it? Or do you aspire to it?

There’s nothing wrong with either type. You are who you are. Embrace it.

Mailbag

Two quick chastity nerdery inquiries.

Got this question over on Twitter:

I mean, I haven’t been in the market for a custom cage for a long time and it may be that my advice is out of date, but I would recommend the following makers:

Note that for some of these (Rigid in particular but also Steelworxx), I’ve been given feedback that their backlog is long and service/communication nearly nonexistent. I think anyone and everyone making bespoke devices is very busy and the waits are long. Back in the day, I found MM’s service to be quite good. Evotion would also get high marks from me.

Over on FetLife, I received this message:

i have been following your blog denying thumper for some time and really appreciate hearing about your journey into chastity.

i belong to Lady Angélie and have shown Her the clean design of the Steel heart.

am about to order and would really appreciate some feedback on the comfort for long term wearing with restrained release.

Was considering the additional stainless steel ring around the opening for confort but feel it’s not as aesthetically sleek design.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

The Steelheart I wear has the little ring on it. It’s supposed to make the fit more comfortable but I’d found the weld on the bottom where the ring is joined to the tube can be irritating. If I were you, I’d skip it.