Month: October 2022

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Evotion evolution

I mentioned the other day that we were going to start exercising more key discipline. Specifically, my “emergency” key would be secured with a numbered tab and hers would be inaccessible to me. Either hidden or secured some other way so that I couldn’t get to it easily/ethically.

I got her this lock box from Amazon which I thought would allow her to keep the key in her nightstand as usual, easily unlocked with her phone or a code, but she decided to hide it somewhere in the house. Now it’s not only secured from me, it’s also stashed away, I know not where. So the other day, when I asked for her key to change out of the Evotion 8 and into something else, she…was disinclined to acquiesce to my request.

Turns out, she likes the Evotion 8 and didn’t really feel like getting the key (and potentially giving away its location) and didn’t really see the need for me to be in anything else at the moment, my desire for a change notwithstanding. And it’s like…damn. OK. That’s how it is.

I have become very accustomed to being able to pick and choose which device I’m in depending on my whims. And now when I look at the Evo, I think about how it’s there without regard to my feelings on the matter. And yeah, that’s way hotter.

Speaking of Evotion, I had planned on ordering an Orion. The 8 is one of my absolute favorite devices and I was very curious about the Orion’s simplified design. I reached out to Yvonne at Evotion to see if they had my 8’s measurements on file to use as a starting point, and she offered to comp me the device because, you know, internet personality and all. I am paying for the hollow titanium PA pin, so it ends up we’re about splitting the cost. I mention this because I rarely review devices I haven’t paid for and I think it’s important for you to know when I’m talking about something I got for free (or deeply discounted). In any event, the device is in the works and I hope to have it sometime around the start of December. It’s going to look a lot like this one but with a hollow PA pin.

The thing I really appreciate about Evotion’s designs is how they’re a) plastic (for when plastic is called for), b) custom printed to bespoke measurements, and (uniquely, I think) c) have optional integrated PA security. Whenever I’m in a Holy Trainer or Cobra or other plastic device, it just doesn’t feel the same. PA security is very important to me and changes the emotional experience of being locked up, I find. And AFAIK, Evotion’s are the only bespoke plastic PA-secured devices out there.

Look for my review of the Orion sometime around the end of the year. Assuming Belle lets me take the 8 off. Ever.

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Fourteen

Today is the 14th anniversary of the first time a chastity device was locked onto me (which means we’re also a little over a week past the fourteenth anniversary of the start of this blog).

It’s hard for me to really get my head back into the space I was in when I first felt what it was like walking around among muggles with a device in my pants, let alone what it felt like having my erection contained and constrained for the first time. But I do recall the first time Belle denied me an orgasm after she got one. It was such a rush. I felt high the whole next day. But being denied has changed so much over the years. From it making me annoying and selfish to…whatever I am now. I don’t think I’m nearly as much of either. I feel like my — ahem — head is in a better place.

I’ve said before, being kept in chastity no longer feels like a thing I do or is being done to me. It just is. It’s how I am. It only becomes a thing when I can’t be kept locked. If I have to come out for some stupid reason like travel or a doctor’s visit or one of those times the contents need to heal from something a device did to it. I was just off camping in the wilderness for a week and was in the BA-31P the whole time. Mostly because not being in it would feel weird and wrong and distracting. As if being so would be inauthentic and unnatural. Basically, “weird and distracting” went from being how it felt to be locked up to how it feels not to be. Also, Belle’s rules say I have to be locked up all the time and I have proven there’s no practical reason I can’t be even deep in the woods for a week.

Seeing the contents outside of a device has become off-putting. It looks pale and exposed. I don’t want Belle or anyone else to see me that way. It’s embarrassing. Somehow, it feels more naked than naked is. Like some inner part of me is exposed. I guess that’s what the contents literally are now. An inner part.

The milestone of being kept for 14 years has me wondering how much of that time was spent locked up. Of course, locked men tend to obsess over duration. Kinky people in general seem to over index as stats and metric obsessed folk. I don’t count the days like I used to (even between orgasms which happen so infrequently I can’t even remember them), but I still track what I’m locked in and for how long. I began using an app to track which device I was locked into back in January 2016 (actually December of 2015, but only for like two days), so a bit more than half way between the first day and today. I don’t have data for the first seven years or so. But here’s the breakdown of each year since then.

Hours LockedHours Unlocked
20166,800 (77%)1,984 (23%)
20178,579 (98%)181 (2%)
20187,194 (82%)1,566 (18%)
20196,661 (76%) 2,099 (24%)
20208,371 (95%)413 (5%)
20218,535 (97%)225 (3%)
2022 (YTD)6,966 (99%)90 (1%)
Total46,856 (88%) 6,558 (12%)

Two things jump out. One, 2016, 2018, and 2019 had a lot of unlocked time, relatively speaking, while the other years tracked were more in line with one another. Two, the trend for the past three years is curving towards zero. This is due to Belle wanting the contents out far less often than she used to and me being better at finding ways to avoid being out when in the past I might have thought I had to be. But, the question was how long have I been locked up over the past 14 years? I think the previous 7 would be more like 16′, 17′ and 19′, so let’s just say the average for all of them is 75-80% locked.

That’s something between 92,000 and 98,000 hours. Which means in this, my fifteenth year of enforced chastity, chances are I’ll cross the 100,000 hour mark. That’s more than eleven years.

Of course, this is meaningless. I am locked. By default and whenever I don’t have to come out due to circumstance or Belle’s (increasingly infrequent) demand. As far as I’m concerned, the number is basically ∞.

But since we’re at this moment of recognition and reflection, I can say I never want to be any other way than kept in chastity. The changes that have come over me for being so are indelible. Sure, I could not be locked up and be touching myself sexually and having regular orgasms like a real boy at some point in the future. Theoretically. But it would never feel right. It would never be right. I would always know that being that way wasn’t my authentic self.

I’ve been locked in chastity for fourteen years today. Hopefully, I will never not be ever again.

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Stiffening the stifling

I spent a lot of time thinking about this, from my last post, last night instead of sleeping:

In fact, she related, she does want me locked up. More now than before. Meaning she doesn’t want me not locked up. … She 100% prefers locked up and denied Thumper to the other kind. She’s never been more committed to my essentially permanent enforced chastity.

And then this snippet I neglected to include that I mentioned on Twitter:

And what I couldn’t stop thinking about and was making the Evotion 8 tight was the idea of suggesting she make how she’s feeling now official. As in, I will never be allowed out except for absolutely necessary situations and never be allowed to fuck her again.

I mean, even pecking those words out on my iPhone makes the device thump in time with my heartbeat and tighten uncomfortably.

But I can’t suggest that. It violates the spirit if not the plain language of one of my rules: I am not to volunteer how I feel about having an orgasm…

And I said something that follows that logic in my last post.

My denial and chastity need to be in service of what she wants, not just because I want to be locked up and denied. And actually, what I want shouldn’t even be a consideration. That, truly, is what I want. For the concept of my sexual satisfaction to be completely irrelevant to how she decides I’ll be in service of her needs and desires. In fact, to hear her say she wants me always locked up and denied because it makes me the more perfect version of the partner she wants is…perfection. To me.

So I can’t ask her to tell me the things that turn me on so much. I mean, I’m so far beyond trying to figure out why the prospect of never again feeling sexual pleasure through the contents is so hot, but I’m not so far gone as to know if and when I ever hear those words, it 100% cannot be at my suggestion.

And yeah yeah yeah I know writing a post about it which she will read could be construed as some kind of passive bottom topping bullshit, but read on…

What my higher brain understands is that just because she wants me locked up more now than ever before does not mean she wants to preclude from her available options what it feels likes to be fucked by a real cock (even if it’s just the one on me) and then feel me come inside her. I get why she would like that. And it’s absolutely not up to me to decide or, really, have input regarding what she does (or does not do) with the contents.

And if my higher brain is honest with itself, it also understands that maybe one of the reasons being denied is so hot is the hint of the barest whisper of a chance that I may not be denied. And if suddenly I know I will always be, would that take something off of it?

Honestly, I have no idea.

If I take my recollection of her words to heart — I don’t ever want you out — well, then, I have what I was fantasizing about. But it’s also the case she may have been exercising a bit of hyperbole and really meant hardly ever and so very rarely but I reserve the right, etc.

Hilariously, I know I ended my previous post talking about open, frequent communication but I also feel, as mentioned above, that open communication on this topic (outside, perhaps, these pages) is not an option for me.

What I feel I can do with a clear conscience is suggest some addendums to my rules that will make her more in control of when and how I’m in chastity.

  • She will retain sole possession of her key in a manner such that I cannot ethically obtain it without her knowledge. Meaning, it should no longer be kept in the little silken pouch in her nightstand along with her vibrator and should be someplace like her purse where I don’t normally go. It doesn’t have to be secret, but it should require a larger effort on my part to get to it.
  • “My” key will be once again secured in a manner that makes unauthorized access impossible. Like in the little Steelworxx key safe thing with a numbered lock. Right now, I keep it unprotected in the little box I put my earrings and PA jewelry in.
  • I will only be allowed to be outside a device for regular maintenance or other standard reasons (such as swapping from one to another) in her presence. Currently, I will change devices as I please and when I need to take one off for deep cleaning, hygiene, and/or hair removal, I do it behind a closed bathroom door. This behavior is technically a violation of the “I must be wearing a chastity device at all times, unless she says otherwise” rule and, clearly, I need it to be more robust. She knows I do these things, but I need her to really know I’m being good and following the rules at all times.
  • Finally, I’d like to have to answer to her every day that I’ve followed her rules to the letter. This is the one thing that’s slightly bottom-toppy, but I do crave some required regular demonstration of my fealty to her control and having her ask me, “Have you obeyed all my rules today?” and being required to answer would be 100% hot and 100% soothing to my submissive soul all at once. And I’d like this to happen even when we’re apart and whenever we have the ability to communicate with one another.

None of these things are the hawt chastity fantasy I described above, but together they represent a (ahem) stiffening of her control and that’s not nothing. Truth is, after nearly 14 years of being this way, we’ve both let enforced chastity become a normalized feature of our relationship. And that’s led to some lackadaisical behavior on my part. I want to show her I’m more committed to being locked up today than ever before. For it to be as obvious as possible as often as possible.

It would be like recommitting my dedication to the dynamic as we sneak up on the 14th anniversary of the first time I was locked up. I don’t want her to think I ever take for granted how she keeps me in chastity. It’s a mutual gift we give each other every day.

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It’s supposed to be hard

Even after nearly 14 years of enforced male chastity being an integral part of our relationship, the wires can get crossed.

Day before yesterday, after (due to one reason or another) it had been weeks since I was able to get Belle off, we finally had the opportunity. And while I was pretty worked up at the prospect, I took it slow and gave her what I thought was a lovely orgasm. In fact, it occurred to me while it was happening that I was ten or twenty times more skilled now at getting her off with my fingers than I ever was using the contents, even when it was still a functioning sex organ.

As I’ve said in the past, it’s those moments right as she starts to come and for a lingering period after that I always find most difficult being locked up. I never want to shove the unencumbered contents into her more than right then. The craving urge passes in a few minutes, but…yeah, that time is rough. Some days more than others.

And day before yesterday was one of the rougher ones. Following the weeks of not being able to have sex with her and a weekend away from her with Frodo (and god only knows since the last time I came), I was feeling it. Hard.

So, after a period of respectful waiting so she could bask in the afterglow, I climbed up on top of her and between her legs. Since I’m in the Evotion 8 with its little open bits, I could actually feel her pussy, if only a little. That only made my urges more intense. I pushed her legs farther apart with mine as if I was actually fucking her and moaned into her neck.

Yes, it was indulgent. But I also feel that when I do that I’m showing her how much I want her. And I think that’s a positive thing. And usually, she just allows me to do it and says something dismissive about how being locked up is good for me, etc.

But for whatever reason, that morning my actions rattled her confidence. Words (not angry ones) were exchanged — something to the effect of don’t I want her to keep me locked up? And I asked if she wanted me that way, and she said something like, “If you want me to.”

And all of a sudden the entire foundation of our chastity dynamic seemed like a weird feedback loop. She was keeping me locked up because I wanted her to which, of course, I do, but not just because I do. I need to feel as though I’m being actively denied, not humored.

So yeah, a few moments of existential angst. But they soon passed.

We talked about that moment several times over the past few days. The air was cleared and the foundations of our dynamic were found to be in top form.

Sometimes, she told me, she can feel the nagging socialization of needing to please her mate gnaw at her resolve to deny me the traditional way men are pleased in bed. It makes her doubt if she’s doing the right thing or being a good wife. Because, of course, there are no Disney princesses who lock up the dicks of Prince Charming and life before chastity had no archetypes for either of us to factor into how we do male chastity together. And at that moment I was on top of her and pushing her legs apart and feeling the heat of her snatch through the bars of the Evotion, it seemed like I needed something she could give me but was not.

In fact, she related, she does want me locked up. More now than before. Meaning she doesn’t want me not locked up. Not only can I not remember the last time she let me come, I can’t remember the last time she let me inside her (those were the same day, whenever it was). She 100% prefers locked up and denied Thumper to the other kind. She’s never been more committed to my essentially permanent enforced chastity.

Which is exactly what I need to hear. My denial and chastity need to be in service of what she wants, not just because I want to be locked up and denied. And actually, what I want shouldn’t even be a consideration. That, truly, is what I want. For the concept of my sexual satisfaction to be completely irrelevant to how she decides I’ll be in service of her needs and desires. In fact, to hear her say she wants me always locked up and denied because it makes me the more perfect version of the partner she wants is…perfection. To me.

When I climbed up on her (and every time I do it), it’s not to pressure her to let me out to fuck. It’s to show her how badly I want to. To demonstrate how intense my craving is. Because, in a way, it’s my gift to her. My submission and suffering is for her. Because it makes me more like the partner she wants. Because it keeps me focused on her pleasure. Because it keeps me focused on serving her.

And of course I don’t want her pity. I don’t want her to ever feel sorry for me. Because, she’s right, I do want it as much as she does. I could, theoretically, withdraw my consent to be locked. But I never do. I never even consider it. So, if anything, I want her to tease me and twist the proverbial knife. Make it harder for me. Because hard is what I crave. And if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t do it, would I?

I relate this story because I think some of my readers think, after all this time, we have it all figured out. And maybe we have it mostly figured out. But even for us, things like this happen. And it’s only through open and honest communication that these bumps can be smoothed out.