This morning, before she let me get her off, Belle and I were talking about how long it’s been since I was unlocked for more than a day (1,332 days).
“You wouldn’t even know what to do with yourself if you were out,” she said. “It would be a disaster.”
Putting aside the point that I would, in short order I believe, find a thing or two “to do with myself,” I can’t argue with the disaster prediction. One orgasm can have a tremendous impact on the headspace of someone who is denied them for extended periods of time.
But beyond the sort of functional appreciation she has for how that works, I find the idea that she basically doesn’t trust me to have one because it would upset the status quo she has created by keeping me permanently denied incredibly hot.
She’s used enforced denial to mold my personality and how I interact with her in our relationship into something she prefers over the version of me who not only has free access to the contents but also the version of me who was allowed to fuck her a couple times a year. In fact, it was just a few days ago that she said to me that being permanently locked made me the “ultimate version of Thumper.”
This is the thing that’s sometimes hard for others to see in a relationship like ours, I guess. And it’s why I believe permanence was always going to be the ultimate expression of our relationship dynamic. My sexuality is one primarily focused on sexual service. As such, there is no greater way to express that than what Belle has made a reality for me.
I am permanently denied because it’s what she wants me to be. Because it’s how she realizes the greatest satisfaction from me. She uses permanent enforced denial to actively manage and optimize my expression of submission to her. And I not only accept that decision on her part, I welcome it.
And after all that mental processing, yeah, I gave her a fucking great orgasm.