Living as a permanently denied person hasn’t really changed all that much lately. What I mean is what it’s like to be permanently denied has been pretty static. Which may be kind of obvious considering there’s this really big and important physical act I don’t get to do at all anymore. We’ve settled into this kind of rhythm where Belle lets me get her off and I get nothing but the satisfaction of a job well done in exchange. I have come to accept that and the way that affects me emotionally and physically has kind of settled into a kind of plateau.
I mean, it had.
A handful of posts ago, I wrote this:
I just don’t fantasize about using the contents. At all. Even in my dreams, I’m not using it for anything. I’m always locked. Always denied. Sometimes, I have dreams with sex and I’m 100% always locked in those, but there are other times I have dreams in which sex isn’t a part and my locked status is still a part of the dream. Like, nobody is asking or can tell, but in the dream, I know what’s going on in my pants.
Which was true. But, then, ZOMG, all of a sudden, last night, it wasn’t.
I had three dreams. Each one woke me up and were intense and left me feeling so much pressure inside the Orion.
The first involved me blowing some dude. Relative to what I wrote above, that was kind of normal. I was locked, on my knees, and I have no idea who the guy was. What was weird is that this mystery guy was also locked, but also somehow not which is how I was able to service him to the moment of his climax. You know, dreams are weird like that. But all I remember is a fragments of that dream. I do remember waking up and being very tight. Luckily, I was able to fall back asleep pretty quickly.
The next dream was where things were very different. I was fucking the ever loving hell out of Belle. In various positions, very hard, and for a long time. It was intense and driven and very much just fucking. But I never came. It went on so long that Dream Belle got kind of annoyed and tired and I remember picking up on that and freaking out that she wasn’t going to let me finish so I started to fuck her harder and faster and all that did was annoy her more. I can remember seeing the hard shaft of the contents going in and out of her, I could feel it, and it was amazing and I was loving it but also I had to hurry the fuck up because she was getting tired of it.
Then I woke up. OH MY GOD, I was so horny. So fucking tight, so fucking horny. An 11 out of 10.
The hilarious part of that dream, in retrospect, is how in reality I have essentially zero stamina and will come after only a handful of strokes which is a large part of why I’m not allowed to fuck her anymore. Dream me was a raging stallion. Real me is pathetic.
I did not fall back asleep so easily. I grabbed at the tight package between my legs then flipped over and ground it into the mattress and generally suffered being unable to do anything at all to relieve my frustration.
I did eventually fall asleep, though, because dream three was of me jacking off. It was as if I had somehow got the Orion off and was standing over the sink jacking it. The goal was to just edge myself, I remember thinking in the dream, since coming was against The Rules, but then I realized that no matter how close to coming I took myself, I couldn’t do it. I was once again jacking it harder and faster and never quite getting there. And, again, it felt so good. The sensation of my closed fist sliding up and down and rubbing the leakage over and under the head. OMG, yeah, that was the fucking shit. That was great, but then I really wanted to shoot my load. But I couldn’t. It was impossible.
And I woke up again, still so goddamned tight and packed and horny out of my goddamned mind.
At this point, someone will wonder if I had a wet dream. Jesus, I wish I had. But I’ve never in my life had a wet dream. Not even now, nearly two years after Belle made me pussy and hand free. Not even a trickle.
I guess it may be relevant to point out that I’m not at home. I’m traveling for work and I’m in a hotel room which, historically, has been the setting of intense self abuse. Hotels make me horny, I guess. But I have no idea if that’s what was behind this.
In a way, as frustrating as it was (and is — I’m still pretty horny tbh), it was also kind of nice to feel it. As I said above, things have settled into this kind of plateau for me and I missed the intense feelings of frustration that were so common back when the contents would occasionally be released and allowed to squirt into her pussy. Recently, the only time I get even remotely as worked up is right after she comes. And in between those times, I just am. I know I’m not getting out. It knows it’s not getting out. So the drama level is pretty low.
I say that, but the last couple of times I was allowed to share in her orgasm, I did really feel an urge to fuck Belle. And now last night. Is this a new phase? A blip? Something to do with the phase of the moon? No idea.
I noted on Bluesky yesterday that I’ve been locked up continuously, except for a brief respite here and there, for four years. In response to that post, a follower asked me, “So what has it done to you? Do you still notice changes to be ongoing? What have you seen most recently?”
Before last night, I probably would have just directed them to that post from November. That would have answered the “what has it done to you” part of their question. But this post answers the “what have you seen most recently.”
And, yeah, I guess there are still changes ongoing.