Belle is away for the week taking the younger kid back to college. I was already pretty worked up since, for a variety of mundane reasons, I have not been allowed to share in her orgasms very much for a while now and, I find, whenever she leaves me, my horny index ratchets up anyway. So last night I was pretty tossy-turvey in bed trying to get images, scenarios, and thoughts to go away.
It’s now been 82 days since I last came. Eighty-two days since I stroked myself, 80 days since I saw it/I was last unlocked. One hundred twenty seven day since she ordered me to fuck her. These numbers, for me, are not that big but I feel like I’m just now feeling like I did before that last fuck with regards to the contents. It was very disorienting to me to jack off like I did. It broke the spell that I didn’t have a penis. And that stuck with me. I feel like, just now, I’m getting back there.
There are multiple levels to this permanent enforced denial thing. Feeling like you don’t have a penis anymore is a deeper level than just wanting to always be locked up. It’s beyond thinking about whether or not you want to be allowed to orgasm. It’s hard to describe, but it’s where I was fully prior to the last fuck.
Before then, I was regularly (daily, if I remembered) reminding myself, out loud not just in my head, that I didn’t have a penis. I would literally say, “I don’t have a penis.” Saying it and hearing it reinforced the practical reality of it. And last night, as I laid there and the device would pressurize over and over, I felt that urge to disassociate from the thing causing the pressure. And the words came out all by themselves.
“I don’t have a penis.”
The thing in the cage seemed to fight back at that, if feebley. Like the Whos down in Whoville, it said “I am here!” So I said again, I don’t have a penis. And I said it again. And again.
Permanent enforced denial is something of an ouroboros — a snake eating its own tail. It creates and perpetuates itself. And I, due to how I’m wired, do everything I can to reinforce that cycle. Even though it’s meant letting go of what used to be the most important part of my body.
I am pushing to reestablish that dissociative condition with the contents. To that end, three words came into my mind to describe it: stunted, pathetic, useless. These are words I never would have used in years past. Even for several years after we started practicing denial. And, the irony is, it is the denial itself that makes these words apt descriptors.
Stunted. The definition of that is “inferior in size or quality.” Synonyms are “scrawny” and “scrubby.” Prior to its permanent imprisonment, the contents was a well formed if slightly below average sized specimen. Now, it has conformed to the shape of the interior of those devices it has spent literally years inside of. First the Steelheart, and now more often the Evotion Orion (though currently the BA-31P). When it’s out and hard, it’s not the same shape. Doesn’t feel the same. Doesn’t look normal. I’m pretty sure it has been permanently altered by its experience.
And that’s fine. That’s how it should be. If it never comes out and never gets used — if no one ever sees it hard, if I never fuck with it, if I never hold its hard shaft in my hand — it doesn’t matter what condition its in. Its normal and natural state is to be encased and unusable.
When it first started to change, this bothered me. But now I want it that way. I don’t want to see it as anything other than contents and I want it to always show its status if it’s visible to anyone. I want it to be stunted.
Pathetic. “Inspiring scornful pity. Ridiculous. Silly.” It is a pathetic thing. All it can do is fill a hard shell when the kinds of situations for which it was designed are happening. It looks pitiable. It can’t do anything. It wants to, but it’s denied. Fully and always. And a big part of its patheticness comes from the third word.
Useless. “Having no beneficial use or incapable of functioning usefully.” The last fuck with Belle shows that. I came almost instantly. I can’t give anyone pleasure with it because it can’t be used long enough to provide any. It’s “unserviceable, ineffectual, meaningless.” And again, it is that way because it’s always locked up. And I want it that way because it is always locked up!
To be clear, it was never that impressive. But it wasn’t useless. It wasn’t pathetic. It wasn’t stunted. Denial created those conditions. Denial created in me the desire for those conditions. It is so far removed from being a “cock” — physically and mentally and emotionally — that pretending like I have anything like one seems ridiculous.
The point of this is, it shouldn’t exist separately from its housing. They are one now. So, practically, I just don’t have a penis. I have this compound entity that is more than the sum of its parts. But also less than it was. But also exactly what it should be.
Thumper, there is a desensitizing cream you can buy at any drug store (at least in Canada) that would allow your election to last longer so you both can enjoy lovemaking when and if Belle lets you out of chastity. I admire your steadfast willingness to give up coming for.years now.
I’m on day 118 since my last orgasm. I don’t often use a chastity cage but I’m wearing two rings (1.75″ and 1.7/8″) on my junk. They weigh over 6 ozs. Itallows me to edge which makes it even hardest to cum and prevents the chafing of my cheap cage and ball trap ring. I’ve been following your story for 10 plus years. You are to be commended on your abstinence.
Please note I meant erection, not election in my comment above.
Thumper, your journey has been an inspiration and a revelation and your willingness to share your thoughts frankly is incredibly generous.
Those of us who are dealing with similar issues of being locked long term may not be exactly where you are but inevitably we have experienced or thought about things like this.
Let me try another perspective and see if this works. Rather than deny the existence of your penis or now try to belittle it and somehow make it insignificant, consider that you are in fact living precisely what you and others have thought about, which is giving over control of your penis to someone else.
That literally means it is intact and full and exists but what you do with it sexually and for whose gratification it exists is entirely not your business anymore.
Belle kept you locked for a very long time and to cope with that you start reminding yourself it wasn’t there. But you knew it was. You were just trying to fool yourself.
Then she very craftily let you out and let you do all the things you had accepted would never happen again. In reality, she showed you who was in control.
And now you are in a spin of sorts trying to make sense of it.
It seems to me that what is still going around in your head and what is hard to get to grips with is that the actual control of your penis is not yours. This is an incredibly hard thing to get your head around or for anyone to grasp but really that is it. You are trying to control things still rather than accepting that Belle controls your penis and she will use it as and when she sees fit and how she sees fit.
Rather than dissociate, which is always a struggle in any submissive situation, you do have a choice to accept not three words but two: Belle decides. You could just say I surrender or I give up but those don;t seem right. Accepting that Belle decides is obviously not going to be easy but it seems to me to be what you are avoiding.
There is a moment in every Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationship where the resistance stops, where the acceptance begins. It is a moment of surrender and that’s where you are standing, right on the tip of it.
Dominants say that is truly the point when the fun begins and I believe that. It is not merely the Dominant’s fun either since the moment of surrender is like opening onto a whole new plateau or entering a whole new world.
In most respects you are already there except for the last little bit. You are locked by choice. You accept and intend to accept to Belle’s control but you are really just holding a bit back.
Maybe think about why that might be. what is the fear or the concern that is stopping you from just getting back to where you were by accepting Belle will decide how to make use of you.
Is it a fear she will maybe not need you? I think she’s shown that is not likely. She might even be *more* enthusiastic if she sees you giving her all the control rather than writing these essays in which you struggle against the condition *you* want.
Maybe that’s part of the dynamic. But maybe the greatest rewards come from the greatest risk and so when you take that final step and surrender fully to Belle’s control, you will find things you never dreamt of.
The way you’ve described her over the past few months it is clear she is a very smart woman who understands both you and the situation very well.
Personally, I think there’s an alternative to the three words. And in accepting that Belle decides, you don;t have to say your penis is irrelevant because it will be no longer yours to describe. You will ask her and She will tell you.
If that doesn’t give you shivers of excitement, I don;t know what would.
Just let go.