OD vs. T&D vs. D/s, etc., Part 1

I admit to harboring a healthy number of sexual perversions. Some of them, I’m sure, aren’t even legal in all the states. Most of what gets me going, though, is strictly in the realm of fantasy. The number of things I’ve read, watched, and rhythmically enjoyed on the web as opposed to the number I’ve actually engaged in is drastically lopsided. That being said, when I started learning more about all the various flavors of orgasm denial (OD) and how its practiced, I found myself unhappy with a great deal of what’s out there. I would never judge the kink of another, but much of how OD is applied practically is far too “out there” for me and, at least as (if not more) importantly, my Belle Fille.

Things I said to Belle that I do not want from our practice of OD:

  • To be demeaned
  • To be hurt or injured
  • For her to be hateful toward me
  • To be dominated by her all the time, in all aspects of our life

What I do want very much:

  • For her to control if, when, and how I will enjoy orgasm for the rest of my days
  • For her sexual pleasure and satisfaction to always be before mine
  • For her to always leave me craving more of the unique pleasures only she can give
  • For us to have fun with our distinctly different sexualities

There is so much on the web around OD, tease and denial (T&D), and domination and submission (D/s), etc., that is very anti-male. I admit to being new to this scene, so it’s entirely possible what I’m reading is just people staying in character, but I don’t think so. Many sites written by women for women (example) make men out to be little more than sexual animals who can’t be trusted to control their urges and whose sex drives can be harnessed to make them do all manner of things they wouldn’t do otherwise. I’ve even read men on forums regurgitate this POV. Like somehow OD saves them from their inner pigs. (The notable exception, and luckily the site I found very early on in my exploration, is Tickleberry.)

The above line of thought is so alien to me it’s not something I can even pretend to be into. Again, I do not judge anything anyone else is into, but personally, I revel in my maleness. I rejoice in the differences between women and men. The fact that I enjoy sex as much as I do, that it’s as important to me as it is, that I think about it all the fucking time is wonderful. I would never want to abdicate my male prerogative to anyone else, even my beloved Belle Fille.

So, how can I say that and still get off on not getting off?

I see the way Belle and I are developing our version of OD as having two distinct parts. The first part is purely emotional and involves our evolving relationship and its importance to me. The second part is much more about the sex and the kink and FUN of how she controls my emissions.

First and foremost, I see my transference of control over my orgasms to Belle as a sacred gift. I love her and trust her and care enough about her and our relationship that I truly never want to experience sexual release ever again if she’s not with me. I have alluded to the fact that I was unfaithful to Belle, so I need to stress that I did not come to this decision with the idea that it was a necessary penitence, act of contrition, punishment or because I didn’t feel I could trust myself in the future. I did it willingly because I was looking for a way to help heal the damage I had done and saw this as not only something that held great personal appeal to me but would truly demonstrate the magnitude of my commitment to our relationship. Giving Belle the one thing that more than any other makes me male – control over my penis – tells her that I want my happiness and hers to be inseparably intertwined. This is not about the absence of sex or just having sex when she wants it. In fact, I will still initiate sex as much if not more than before. I trust her to use the power I’ve given her with the same loving attitude and care she’s always used in other aspects of our relationship.

The fun part of all of this isn’t the what of her control but the how of its execution. Things like the chastity device, edging, using my cock as a simple tool for her pleasure since she may not allow me to cum while she’s enjoying it, and in general teasing me and keeping me in as active a state of sexual stimulation as possible for as long as possible are all just icing on my kinky little cake. I have always gravitated towards porn and fantasies involving either the willing or unwilling loss of sexual control. Now, I can actually live a version of this with the most important person in my life. She teases me and keeps me guessing as to how or if I’ll be released. She’ll stroke me or go down on me until I’m a quivering mass of sexual ecstasy and leave me hanging and craving more. She’ll allow me to enter her and even fuck her with abandon as long as I understand I am not to ejaculate within her. Do we need a chastity device or other accoutrement to experience all this? No, certainly not. Jesus, I’m so hot right now just thinking about it! We’ve had enough sex recently with OD as the central principle to know we could do this all by ourselves indefinitely. The toys aren’t required, but they sure do make the whole thing a bunch more fun.

The most important thing we both bring to the equation is mutual respect and love. I can remain secure with regards to my position in our marriage as an equal partner and confident in my masculinity while simultaneously giving her the keys to it (literally and figuratively). She in return will get sexual pleasure beyond what she’s previously enjoyed along with levels of attention and devotion from me unseen since we first began our relationship.

That’s the plan, anyway. So far so good.

Blue balls

Jesus, my balls ache. They feel fat, heavy, and bloated. I’m pretty sure this is merely a symptom of not being released by Belle, but it’s only been three days since my last orgasm. We’ve had sex two of those nights and one of the mornings plus she jacked me off last night and this morning (up to the point of orgasm, but not beyond). So, I’ve had more than my fair share of stimulation, but no release. *groan*

On the other hand, it could be a result of my D.I.Y cock ring. While shopping for chastity devices, I read on Tickleberry their tips for measuring the circumference of my balls and cock (you need that for the trapped-balls type devices that fit around your unit). They recommend taking that measurement to the local hardware store and getting a similarly sized steel ring to check the fit. I did the math (circumference / 3.14) and got a diameter over 2 inches. This seemed odd since most of these things seem to top out at 2 inches and, while it does somewhat pain me to say this, the size of my member is nothing out of the ordinary.

After wearing a 2″ ring from my local hardware store for two days and a night, I had to take it off due to the pain. It’s not too tight when my dick is soft, but when it’s hard (as it was pretty much the entire first night I wore it) it’s quite tight. The next day, the pain was gone. Since Belle had allowed me to orgasm the night before, I couldn’t know what caused the pain. I wore the ring again over night and had to take it off again the next day due to pain, but that was after being denied the night before.

So, I’m left with two scenarios. One, the circumference of my unit is freakishly large and I’ll only be able to wear custom-fit elephant-type chastity devices. While this might be good for my ego, it’s a real pain in the ass as I so badly want to wear chastity for more than 48 hours at a time. Or two, I’m a weak little pussy that only after a couple of days of denial has such a bad case of blue balls that I’m left limping around the house like a 70-year-old.

Neither is very appealing. I’ll keep you posted.

P.S. We eventually bought the CB-6000 from this site which had the lowest price I could find online. Not only was it cheaper than a stainless model, but it comes with multiple rings (none of which is bigger than 2″). We figure it’s a good training wheels type option to use while deciding if a chastity device is right for us. If so, I’m definitely getting some heavy metal.

Belle, who just left town for a business trip, told me I could open the box when it arrives but I can under no circumstances put it on since, technically, the device belongs to her, not me (as does the thing it goes on). I anxiously await its arrival.

How it started

Belle Fille and I, as I said, had more or less stopped having sex. Clinically, it was a sexless marriage – we had sex, but infrequently. After I caused pain in my marriage (I believe that’s how the politicians say it), we actually started having more sex. In fact, I’d say we’ve easily had more sex in the past month than we have in the past year (maybe twice as much).

In order to keep that up, I started shopping for sex toys. We’ve never used them in our lovemaking, though I’ve used them extensively prior to our marriage and even afterward during masturbation. As I clicked around Healthy & Active’s 14 categories of sex toys, I noticed they had one called “Misc. Sex Toys”. Seriously? They had fourteen categories of sex toys and still needed one for the miscellaneous stuff? I had to look.

After digging around in the medical devices (I’ve always had a doctor kink), I noticed a category called Chastity. It was as if someone lit a flare in my brain. I was instantly and profoundly aroused. I don’t recall ever seeing chastity devices before that moment and I can’t say I was too impressed with their assortment of three models, but the concept was powerfully stimulating. I asked the Google for more info and soon found myself on the wonderful Tickleberry site.

Now this is what I was looking for! They had great informational articles and beautiful photography and the gear they were selling was gorgeous. Not only was I able to explore a fascinating new kink, but the gadget geek in me was in heaven looking at the finely crafted stainless steel contraptions. And, even better, they were expensive. I started reading about Divine Domination and found myself unable to stop thinking about chastity and losing control over my ejaculation.

That night, after our regular conversation about our relationship, I decided to open myself up a little more to Belle than I ever had before. I showed her the Tickleberry site and the chastity items. My interest in them was quite evident. I’m very happy to say she did not close up upon seeing them. I can’t say she was as intrigued as I was (not by a long shot), but she also didn’t do or say anything to make me feel strange about getting turned on by it all.

Not having been snuffed out by a negative reaction from Belle, the little seed continued to germinate.

On names

The names I’m going to use on this site for me and my wife are the names we developed for each other in the early days of our relationship and, until recently, had all but abandoned.

She called me “Thumper” because I liked to fuck like a bunny. Hey, what can I say? I love sex. As far as I’m concerned, the act of having sex is a cornerstone element of the male existence. For me, the very moment I slide my cock into a warm and wet pussy I get a message from a distant, reptilian, unevolved part of my brain telling me I’m doing exactly the thing I was put on this earth to do. It may seem odd that someone with this point of view would start practicing orgasm denial (OD). Over time, I’ll make my position clear. For the moment, let’s just say I don’t think being denied ejaculation each time I pleasure my partner to in any way diminish the profundity of the experience.

My wife’s nickname came from my discovery, early in our relationship, of her ability to talk dirty in French. Holy hollandaise sauce, Batman! That was hot. For all I know, she was giving me directions to the nearest restroom, but it pushed my buttons. I did a little research and found that “beautiful girl” in French translates to “belle fille” (pronounced “bell fee”). So, that’s what I called her. Belle Fille. It’s been more than a dozen years since I gave her that name (and nearly as long since I used it regularly) and we’ve both grown older and she’s given me two beautiful kids in the mean time, but that’s still how I see her. My Belle Fille.

Why this blog?

Orgasm denial comes in many flavors (most of them salty). “Male chastity” along with “tease and denial” are other common names. I’ve found similar concepts in both Indian and Judaic tradition. In addition, it seems to be a foundational element of BSDM.

The reason I started this blog, though, was not to categorize, compare, and contrast all the various practices (though that might happen along the way). None of the sites I’ve found seem to be written for me or my partner. There are elements of nearly all of them that appeal to me (and my kinky side), but when I think of how I want orgasm denial (OD) to work in our relationship, I can’t find an analogue. So, since we’re at the very beginning of our exploration and I don’t have anyone other than my partner with which I can discuss it, here I go. Maybe this will prove helpful for someone else.

A few things up front. First of all, everything you read here will be true. I will not relate events to you that did not occur nor will I embellish those that did. You’ll just have to trust me on this. Second, I have no idea how long this thing will go. Maybe I’ll lose interest in a couple of days or weeks. Maybe not. I assume it will go at least until OD becomes a “normal” part of the life my partner and I will lead, but there are no guarantees in life.


I am a 41-year-old father of two and husband of 11 years. I live in a mid-sized American city and own a small business. You can call me Thumper.

Recently, my wife and I started couple’s therapy (for reasons that I will make clear). Short story, after 11 years, we found ourselves in a situation not unlike that of many other couples (whether they know it or not). We grew apart, I hurt her, and there we were. Luckily, we both wanted to save the relationship. Regardless of whatever I did, I’ve never for a second stopped loving my wife, and neither did she stop loving me. However, there were issues. We had stopped communicating and our sex life had pretty much disappeared. I resented her lack of sexual availability and she resented having to shoulder the majority of household tasks (on top of her demanding job). At least we hadn’t yet started to resent each other’s existence.

Today, though, I’d say our relationship is better than it’s been in probably 10 years. Yes, the month we’ve spent in therapy has helped. But the real revelation – the one that has so fundamentally altered my outlook on life – didn’t come from the psychologist’s couch. It came from the internet. Through the happy coincidence of linked web pages, I stumbled upon a concept referred to by many names. For the moment, the name for it I like best is “orgasm denial”.