I don’t know what to call the guy I talk to about my brain. As in, is he a therapist? Psychologist? I don’t really know the difference. I should ask him, I guess. “Shrink” seems a serviceable catch-all.
As I pointed out before, his blog name here is Obi Wan and, now that I know him a little better, I’m guessing he’d like that very much. He’s the kind of guy who, when he says something, says it with a knowing authority. I find that interesting since we’re talking about emotions and such that to me feel very squishy and without hard edges. Definitive statements about things that seem less so aside, I do like him. He doesn’t fuck around and says exactly what he thinks. Plus, he’s totally hep to kink and power dynamics and all that. I suspect he’s a top in real life, but we don’t talk about that (except that he volunteered that he was straight to help make a point once). When he talks about submissives, it like a primatologist would of bonobos.
In the last few sessions, he’s made some statements about me that feel mostly correct. One is that he believes me to be a hedonist. The classic definition of hedonist is “pleasure seeker” but I think in my case it’s “new experience seeker.” I’m motivated by novel even extreme stimuli, both sexually and professionally. I said to him that I often struggle with not having accomplished enough in my life. The classic “he’s not applying himself” thing I’ve heard since the fifth grade. He says back that to an outside observer I appear to have accomplished quite bit. But regardless, I am not motivated by accomplishment. I am not in the game to rack up trophies, real or imagined, but to create a space in which I can satisfy my craving for new things to ponder over or do or discover. I struggle with thinking I’m supposed to have accomplishments of a certain stature at this point in my life even though I personally don’t put much value into them for myself.
Part of my recent issues with depression could very well have been caused by the fact that I’m in a bit of a rut in that regard. Professionally, I haven’t felt very necessary and that train of new things has been sitting in the station. I have taken this new insight to drive a fairly significant change in my company and it’s done wonders to improve my mood and motivation to come in every day. It makes me feel like I have a purpose and, if my luck holds out, will lead to future accomplishments I’m likely to discount.
The other thing that came up recently is that I objectify men. Like, in the typical way woman are supposedly always being objectified by men. Obi-wan thinks that to me, men are sex objects. That’s opposed to women who I find infinitely more fascinating. We came to this diagnosis in a rather round about way. We were talking about subbing to a dominant partner and how I would be more willing to give a female partner a lot more leeway in that regard than a male partner. That I kinda don’t want to know more about the Dom than what is inherent in the D/s dynamic. The more mysterious and unknown he is and the more our relationship is focused on the D/s, the better (presumably since I’ve only had the one D/s thing with a guy). This has also been the case even when I was having “normal” sex with men. Frodo has seen this in action more than most.
So this begs the question, can I have a friendship along with a sexual relationship with a man? I have significant friendship with Frodo that’s lasted both through our sexual adventures and three decades. I can only wonder if having sex with him in the future (if it happens) will change that. It’s not like it’s likely to happen very often if it does. And, of course, I haven’t been able to integrate friendship with Drew into a sexual relationship, D/s or not.
Sometimes, my bisexuality feels like a superpower. Like I can see through walls or something. Using that analogy, having a meaningful relationship with a man I’m also having sex with is my lead. A hard block that defeats my special ability. The way my emotions seems to short circuit when male friendship and sex mix doesn’t feel very super. If feels kind of broken. Not the kind of broken that can be fixed, either. Like trying to get bowling balls to fire out of a baseball pitching machine. Impossible.
I suppose I could focus on how depressing that all sounds and wonder if getting into something with a guy is even morally defensible, but I’d rather think about it as a valuable revelation. My time with Drew had some immensely rewarding aspects and I learned a lot about myself. Like, next time I need to be even clearer about what I’m capable of and where my boundaries are.
